Who Hunts Monsters

The night sky is beautiful, as always.

Something I've come to appreciate about my recent promotion is the extended working hours. Honestly, being the last one to leave the office at night makes it so much easier to carry out my evening ritual in privacy.

They wouldn't understand. That, or they would misunderstand why I'm doing it. I don't want them to worry about the wrong things.

This is the tallest rooftop in the city, and every night I can catch the coldest night winds as they blew across the ocean and brushed by Cranagan. Every night, after work and after the office empties of staff and friends, I can make my way alone to the roof after leaving Rein sleeping in my briefcase, and sit cross-legged on the cold concrete. My knees would brush thin air.

Dangerous position, I know, but I'm not scared.

I need to be here.

I have to remind myself, always.

I can't forget.

It's hard for me to imagine confiding in Nanoha-chan or Fate-chan about this, since I doubt that they'd understand. Definitely not Nanoha-chan—she's such the Hero, capital H. I was so relieved during the Scaglietti Incident when we found Quattro beaten but alive after Nanoha had defeated her. I don't think it even occurred to Nanoha that she could have killed someone. Heroes don't think in those terms.

Fate-chan's not much better, for all that she knows what it could be like. Her red eyes still sometimes carried a wounded air, whenever she slipped and remembered. And for her, maybe it was that memory, that knowledge of what she could have been like, that kept Fate-chan from crossing the line.

Oh, I don't mean that killing is the line. I've no illusions—soldiers have to kill sometimes in battle, to save their own lives or the lives of those they've sworn to protect. No, I have no illusions.

But even if Fate-chan has killed, she's never crossed the line.

I remember ten years ago, on a rooftop like this one. Well, not exactly like this one, although this rooftop is pretty close (that's why I come here every night). Spacious enough for a helicopter to land, although there's no chain-link fence here, and that time was on top of a hospital.

It was a beautiful night then too.

What a young child I was then.

You see, you never know exactly what kind of person you are until that defining moment comes. If you ask my children (my family), or my friends (also my family, in a way), they will all say that I'm a noble, kind person who has a strong moral code and determination to help others. A hero. And I'm not saying that they're wrong about all that.

But I'm not a hero.

Because heroes never, ever cross that line.

Oh, I'm not punishing myself, or driving myself into the ground out of some need to repent. Really, I'm not! That's just the kind of misunderstanding I know Nanoha would jump to.

See, the defining moments come when you have nothing, absolutely nothing, left to lose. A sort of who you are in the dark kind of moment.

I love my family. Signum, Shamal, Vita and Zafira… Even though we've only known each other for half a year then, I love them as if we've been family forever. And oh, they love me so much in return—risking my disappointment in them in order to save my life! Challenging the Bureau for me…I'm so honoured with their love. And for me, because they didn't want to taint my life with blood, they swore not to kill a single soul as they fought to complete the Book of Darkness. They never wanted to murder anyone.

In a way, even my Wolkenritter can be heroes.

There's a line.

A line.

I wanted to kill Fate and Nanoha.

That night on the rooftop, surrounded by the dying remnants of my family…I wanted to kill them. For a moment, a second, a lifetime of rage, murder had flared in my heart.

I saw who I am in the dark.

Even if all the fighting was done by the Book of Darkness, I know who the real villain was.

Was, not is. I had been lucky, and everything had turned out mostly alright. I know that I'm not to blame for all the violence. I had been tricked, so nothing was my fault, right?

I can't forget.

There is a line.

I crossed it.

Every night, I come up to the rooftop to remember. Remember what makes me different from the crooks I catch. And I always find my answers, I do.

That moment of murderous desire does not make me a killer.

But oh, how easy it could be, to fall.

Author's Note: I had always wondered what could have been going on in Hayate's head that moment when she saw "Fate" and "Nanoha" kill the Wolkenritter in front of her in A's... This is my speculation that Hayate's thoughts had been, for a split second, murderous, and how Hayate might come to view that impulse years later.

Thanks to Synaesthetic for her help with one of the lines!