Jealousy: Petunia's Dreams
During the day, Petunia Dursley could hide behind the shield of her vacuum cleaner. It's loud, dull drone wiped her mind of any thought; it turned her into a zombie-like cleaning machine, which was perfectly fine with her. Any respite from her horrible dreams was welcome.
But during the night, Petunia didn't have the luxury of her vacuum cleaner. She would lie next to Vernon for hours, her mind traveling through years and years. Petunia thought about the Snape boy and that school. She thought about the day Lily received her letter and the day she left on that beautiful scarlet train. Most of all, though, she thought about Lily.
Her little sister had been a wonder, a beauty, an absolute joy to be near. Everyone said so. From the minute she was born, the spotlight on Petunia, the darling of the Evans family, had shifted onto Lily.
"Petunia dear, come see you new sister!" Her mother called to Petunia, inviting her to the bed where she lay, holding the baby, surrounded by friends and relatives.
Three year old Petunia tottered over to her mother and hopped up on the bed. Interested, she peered at the bundle in her mother's arms. She saw a tiny, tiny figure, swathed in a sky blue blanket. Petunia noticed the wisps of fire-colored hair on its head, so unlike her own honey blonde hair. Otherwise, the baby seemed totally unremarkable. It was sleeping, as all babies did. Petunia saw no reason why all these people should come just to see this boring new baby, when she was far more interesting. Why, Petunia thought, I can read and sing and jump rope!
"What's so special about her?" Petunia asked her mother. Mrs. Evans smiled softly.
"She's beautiful, don't you think? That red hair…no Evans has had that color in generations. Every Evans I've ever met has that same golden brown hair."
This made Petunia even more irritated. Who said she didn't have pretty hair? When her hair was braided with pretty pink ribbons, Daddy said she looked like a model!
"So?"
Auntie Stella laughed. "Sweetie, if you don't think that hair's gorgeous, just wait until that little girl opens her eyes."
Right on cue, the baby opened them. Petunia scowled immediately when she saw its big green eyes.
"So? They're just the color of frogs! Big, fat, ugly dead ones!"
Petunia ran away, reveling in her naughtiness, but at the same time just a bit remorseful. The baby's eyes really were beautiful…more so than her own mud brown ones.
Lily's eyes, the same ones Petunia had seen on her new sister's birthday so many decades ago, haunted her in her dreams. When she closed her eyes, Petunia could see her younger sister's face, leering at her, seemingly mocking her…
"There's nothing so special about magic! So what if you can wave a stupid stick and say a few silly nonsense words!? It doesn't make you special!"
Petunia had tried to believe her own words, but deep down, she knew that Lily really was special. And in the bottommost depths of her heart, she secretly wished to be just like Lily-to have beautiful auburn hair boys went mad over, and big, long-lashed green eyes, and even the sprinkles of freckles across her nose…but most of all, she longed for magical powers. To Petunia, magic was a way to escape the mundane, everyday world. Every summer, Lily would return home, looking prettier and happier than when she left. Every summer, she would regale their parents and Petunia with funny stories about magic that seemed so amazing, they could never be true.
Petunia wanted to convince herself that Lily lied, that she only made up those wonderful, fantastical stories to impress her family. The truth was, she wished it was her, instead of Lily, at Hogwarts, learning how to turn pens into pillows. But, no, it was Lily, extraordinary, wonderful Lily who got to go. And it was Petunia, Petunia with the drab dirty blonde hair and the dark, dull eyes who was nothing special, and no one at all.
As soon as she could, Petunia moved out of their parents' house and in with her boyfriend, Vernon. When he proposed to her a few months later, she accepted readily. Not out of love-why would she do such a foolish thing? No, it was because while Vernon was proposing to her, she realized with a burst of malicious happiness, that she would finally beat Lily at something.
But then Lily went and got engaged to that horrible boy with the outrageously messy hair just three weeks before her wedding, and Mrs. Evans had busied herself with her youngest daughter and left her eldest to fend for herself. Petunia had insisted on a huge, fancy wedding in the most expensive hotel she could find, but somehow, even that was overshadowed by Lily.
"Oh, Petunia! Such a beautiful wedding. And so many people! You and Vernon will be so happy together!" Grand Auntie Elizabeth smiled kindly at Petunia, who was hanging onto Vernon's arm.
"Yes, yes, it's so wonderful, but I am glad it's all over. Now we can focus properly on Lily's wedding!" Mrs. Evans chimed in happily, unaware of Petunia's scowl.
"Oh, yes, I simply can't wait! Little Lily will be such a beautiful bride…."
Petunia sighed. Even on her wedding day, "little Lily" shone brighter than the bride.
On her own wedding day, even Petunia had to admit the woman was lovely. And though she plastered a false smile on her face and danced and laughed, Petunia couldn't let go of the hard little knob of resentment digging in her heart. How was it fair that Lily had everything? Everything in the entire world that her heart desired…and Petunia had nothing but her own hate.
"Lily…what a pleasant surprise."
Petunia stood in the door glaring down at her little sister standing on the stoop. She held her newborn little boy and looked as radiant as one of those models on the cover of Vogue.
"Petunia dear! I brought your new nephew, just to say hello. I just know he wants to meet his auntie!"
Lily's smile faded when Petunia didn't budge from the door to let them in, or even smile.
Petunia looked at her little sister and her nephew, and her eyes narrowed. How dare she, Petunia thought. How dare she come here and parade all she has in front of me. I wish she had never been born-perfect Lily with the pretty eyes and wonderful magic…I wish she never existed.
"Petunia? Is something wrong? May I come in?"
"No." Petunia spoke in a hard flinty voice, so different from her normally breathy, girlishly high tone. "I want you to leave. You and your…foolishness, your stupidity, your…abnormality."
Lily's eyes widened. Petunia noticed and took a perverse pleasure that her words, sharp as daggers, could drive so much pain into her sister's heart.
"I want you to never come here again. I want to be free of you and your freakishness. You don't know-every single day of my life…I wished that you had never been born. Maybe, just maybe, I would have been happy then."
Petunia regretted those last words as soon as they left her lips. As Lily gasped, and turned to rush back down Privet Drive, Petunia felt an overwhelming urge to follow her sister, to overtake her, enfold her in her arms, ask forgiveness over and over.
But she didn't. She watched Lily flee, her hands balled into fists to restrain her own temper, her own urge to call after Lily.
So the two separated forever.
When Petunia saw the envelope, her heart seemed to simultaneously leap into her throat and sink to her toes. Twenty years later, Petunia still recalled the Hogwarts letter exactly. She could have recognized one in her sleep.
With trembling fingers, Petunia ripped open the ornate wax seal and drew out the thick, smooth parchment carefully folded within the envelope.
Somehow, she knew what was written on the parchment. Petunia didn't need to see the words-
…Though you may know already, I regret to inform you that your sister, Lily Evans Potter, died-was murdered- in her home late last night. She did not die painfully, yet her death was that of a hero's…
Petunia sank into a kitchen chair and closed her eyes. Even so, a single sparkling tear dripped down over her nose and finally fell onto the word "died." The water blurred the word. Petunia noticed, and desperately wished that obliterating the word would vanish the fact as well.
A deluge of tears let loose and thoroughly soaked the cool parchment. The ink ran horribly until no words were recognizable, but that didn't matter. They were etched indelibly in Petunia's brain; for the rest of her life, those words-"Lily Evans…died…painfully…hero……." would haunt her.
A single sparkling tear dripped down over Petunia's nose and fell on the pillow. I know I've done wrong, I could just never stop it…and now it's too late. Lily, forgive me. Please, forgive me for all I have done. Dear sister…forgive me.