Hindsight

by Abyss the Hedgehog

"In hindsight, so many things seem obvious... but just how much does have to happen for you to realize it?" Sekai's POV, AU artistic liberties so that nobody dies, at least. Forgive me the blockiness of the story; it's more of a stream of consciousness than anything else.

In hindsight, I'm an idiot.

Perhaps none of this would have happened if I didn't ask Setsuna that one thing at the beginning of the year. Maybe it would, but I wouldn't care, not being nearly as involved as I've become. Or maybe I was always just hopeless.

I asked her to switch places with me, so I could sit next to Itou Makoto, a boy that I've taken a fancy to. There was no particular reason: he was good-looking if a little plain, good-natured if a little indecisive and I just wanted a boy to talk to. We became fast friends, but he had a penchant for becoming friends with everyone. I was his best friend at a time, since I was sitting next to him in class, talked with him the most, bothered him and joked with him. Perfect schoolgirl logic.

I didn't realize back then that Setsuna's link with him was so much stronger than mine would ever become.

He didn't seem interested in romancing anyone, and so I decided that being his best friend was enough. I was happy. I had him, I had Secchan, I had my mom. I was just an ordinary kid pleased with ordinary things. That was a good time. Sometimes I would catch Setsuna looking at him oddly wistfully, but I would think nothing of it. At best I'd tease her that she's fallen for him and she would deny with the same deadpan expression.

I should have known better. In hindsight, I'm an idiot.

It was obvious that Makoto wouldn't stay clueless together. He had to have a type. I tried to probe him for it, ask teasing questions if perhaps he hadn't been staring at Nanami's boobs for too long or if Hikari's tushy wasn't too unappealing, but he'd always just bonk me over the head with a notebook. Sometimes he'd blush, sometimes he'd just tell me to leave him be. He'd break sooner or later, but I just couldn't find an answer.

And then, one day, I pouched his phone and saw the most beautiful girl in school on the wallpaper. My heart sank. Katsura, from 1-4. There was so much to look at. Her long luscious hair, her shapely figure, her huge tits, her pretty face and purple eyes. If I didn't know any better, I'd think it's just some AV starlet he was jacking off to. He took my phone and asked to keep quiet, obviously embarrassed about the photo. Apparently he took it on the whim as part of the charm superstition: if nobody finds out a photo of a person you like for three weeks, that person is certain to be yours.

So I broke his charm right at the finish line. If I just teased him about it, that might have been the end of it. He'd grumble, probably not talk to me for a few days, and then things would resume as normal. He'd still have starry eyes for Katsura – which boy in school didn't, really? – but that wouldn't be the end of the world. Instead, Saionji Sekai, yours truly, in a moment of astonishing stupidity that only affects schoolgirls in love, decided to help him get his girl.

In hindsight, I'm an idiot.

That certainly caught him off guard. He thought I'm teasing him, but no, Saionji just had to stick her grubby little fingers into this affair. And so, for his sake, I chose to get to know Katsura Kotonoha. She was… nice. Very nice. I expected some sort of high horse missy from a rich home, but it turned out she didn't have anyone to talk to, being withdrawn, and was happy to just have me. Boys she was afraid of and girls were jealous of her (there was plenty to be jealous of, honestly). We became friends and, through this friendship, I introduced her to the boy that I loved.

They hit it off, of course. Makoto's kind of a doof, but he was nice, caring, interested to know more about Kotonoha than just her BWH. She was shy to meet him on her own, so I acted as an intermediary, balancing out the two dorks in love. I wasn't sure why I did that, and I still am not sure why I destroyed my own chances with him. Was it out of some misguided sense of fulfillment? Was I certain that he would never like me and instead settled for his happiness only? Was I just a perv that got off to watching two people try to get together? The real answer is probably hidden among these.

Or, perhaps, I was just an idiot.

They started dating. I was smiling, and some part of me was happy for them both, but deep down, I was frustrated with all of them, and with myself. Frustrated with Kotonoha for existing and swaying him away from me. Frustrated with Makoto that he followed the girl with the biggest tits rather than the one he knew for the longest time. Frustrated with myself for having such awful thoughts, and for not gathering enough courage in me to just tell him how I felt.

One day, me and Secchan were coming back from school, planning to study at her place. My smile must have slipped, because she noticed. She was always perceptive to a point where it was scary to think about. "Makoto?" She could read me like a book. I told her everything once we got home. I just… I just couldn't hold it. Him and Kotonoha were getting along so well, there seemed to be nothing that I'd be able to do to make him change his mind. And even if there was, I didn't want to break Kotonoha's heart either! She was a friend, even if the circumstances behind our friendship were duplicitous.

As Secchan held my head on her small lap and wiped away my tears with a saint's patience, a plan hatched in my head. No, less of a plan and more of a desperate last chance to interest him in me. We were walking back from school. Makoto and Kotonoha were dating for a week now, and so far there didn't seem to be any hiccups. They were still awkward with each other, but that's just two people who have no idea about dating trying to date. I put my plan together when his train home approached, joking that I'd like some sort of compensation for graciously putting them together like that. Makoto, the idiot that he was, chuckled and said yes, I'll think of something. The train was already there and my heart was pounding like a hammer.

He was about ready to step in when I grabbed his hand with mine and turned him around, seizing his lips like I was gasping for air, in dire need of his flavor and softness. He froze, and so I could savor him just a few moments more before I let go, red like a cherry. Makoto made a sound and walked back into the train, eyes set on me the entire time. He almost flopped into the car from all that. Soon he was gone, but I could still sense his shock and disbelief, how it contrasted against the lovely taste of his lips. I ran my fingers over them, feeling how they quiver and how I quiver, like I've just braved the worst challenge there could be.

But no, I didn't realize this was a coward's way out until much later. In hindsight, I am a coward.

He didn't come to school the next day, and I was starting to feel guilty over it. Kotonoha came over during the lunch break – we ate together on the rooftop – and asked me if I know anything about his absence. "Oh sure, Katsura-san, I gave your boyfriend a moral hiccup by snogging him on the train station yesterday". She'd probably just laugh it off if I said that, but instead I lied. I said that he's probably just having a cold, and should be fine the next day. She, the good girlfriend that she was, offered that we could bring him the schoolwork from today.

And so, after school, we were both headed for his apartment. He was there, sure as day, not looking too sick… at least until he saw me next to Kotonoha. His face took on a strange color and for a moment there was some hesitation painted over it before he offered to let us in. Kotonoha chickened out, likely still not at the phase of visiting her boyfriend's place, and so we just gave him the books. I watched them kiss – it was a small, chaste kiss of two fledgling romantics – and had to resist biting my lip in frustration. I'd much rather he kissed me, or at least that he didn't look so shocked to see me. We sat next to each other, for crying out loud.

The next day, he was back in school, but we didn't talk at all. Everyone took notice of it. Some, like Setsuna, were discreet enough to leave it be, maybe discuss it after class… but then that dumbass Taisuke grinned and asked us:

"What's this, a lovers' quarrel?" The whole class laughed, except for three people. Makoto just rolled his eyes and shrugged. Setsuna's narrowed. I broke out in cold sweat. His and Kotonoha's dating was kept under wraps, if only because they weren't the kind of people to talk about it with others but me. I knew what I had to do, even if it made my stomach turn. I just had to convince them to be open about it when someone asked them.

Secchan asked me on the side again, and once more I told her what I did. She frowned, but said nothing, opting to simply hug me in the girls' bathroom without a word of reproach as I clung to her for support. "Are Itou and Katsura really dating?" She asked me. I nodded. Setsuna didn't ask me anything else, only offering to walk me back home.

In hindsight, I am a coward.

Things came back to normal, or the semblance of it, for a time. Makoto learned of some girls from Kotonoha's class bullying her and came to confront them. Katou Otome was leading the posse, apparently, and Itou's reproach completely broke her spirit. The two, by my suggetstion, simply explained the situation. It took a lot of convincing, particularly in our class, but the fact was clear as day: Itou Makoto and Katsura Kotonoha were dating. Didn't win him any favors with some people – Taisuke demanded to know how he "scored" with "the best girl in school" so easily – but, eventually, Katsura-san was inducted into our friend group.

Things were normal, as they always were in a friend group like this. Sometimes I'd caught Setsuna giving Kotonoha a stink-eye, but others took to her with no problem. It worked wonders for her confidence too, to have a group of friends she could talk to about topics both big and small, as well as a loving boyfriend. We had to tell them to tone it down a little bit with all the affection, but they didn't shy from stealing kisses from each other. It was almost as if they derived pleasure from listening to Taisuke's whining about how life's unfair. That idiot, naturally, was blind to Hikari's affection.

Things were normal. I resigned myself to this illusion of happiness next to him. Or perhaps I was happy after all, happy to be the second best girl. We didn't ever talk about that kiss at the train station, but things were casual between us. We even kissed once. It was Truth or Dare. Secchan issued a challenge for Makoto: make out with Sekai for five seconds. Kotonoha didn't seem to mind – and she had to give Taisuke a lap pillow earlier – and so our lips touched again.

It was electrifying. He wasn't stiff or careful, just casually kissing me as if this was the most natural thing in the world. My brain was on fire and frozen at the same time as I dug my nails into my thighs to keep my arms from reaching out for him. It felt good for him too; he barely stopped his groan as we finally separated, a thin trail of saliva between our mouths. When we all parted ways and headed home, I couldn't walk straight. My mind was nothing but mush as I struggled to remember his taste, to keep it on my lips for as long as possible. Secchan walked me home, supporting me so I wouldn't stumble anywhere.

At my doorstep, she asked me a single question:

"Did you like it?" I did. I liked kissing him, I liked how he caressed my lips with his as if I was his girlfriend and not Kotonoha. My panties were damp, and I was in desperate need of release. I didn't reply, too ashamed to even nod, but she seemed satisfied all the same. We hugged each other goodnight and she left, leaving me scrambling to the bathroom for a quick schlick, before Mom came back home.

In hindsight, I was not happy at all.

Things continued like this for a while until one day after class, Makoto asked me for a heart-to-heart on the rooftop. He seemed unusually down in the dumps. I thought he and Kotonoha had some problems, and there was nothing wrong with that: every couple has arguments now and then (even if I couldn't imagine Kotonoha raising her voice at anyone, let alone arguing). We ate some lunch leftovers together, and I waited what he would say. Some part of me took pleasure in seeing him squirm and be miserable, as if punishing him for daring to pick Kotonoha over me. It was shameful back then, and it still is.

"Sekai, I need your help." He said, avoiding eyecontact. I tensed. He was a better student than me, so it couldn't have been about homework or exams. No, it had to be related to Kotonoha. "I… we… we had sex yesterday, first time." My heart sank for a moment before I forced it back into my chest. He wouldn't be sad about that. Did something go wrong? Did Kotonoha think it was too early? Did he think that? "…I don't think Kotonoha liked it." Oh.

"W-what do you mean?"

"Well, we… were at her place. Did everything as we normally did, but we both wanted to go all the way this time…" He tented his fingers. Obviously, even if I was his best friend, it couldn't be easy talking about it. "I put on the rubber, she was on the pill, we all planned this… and then it was over in twenty seconds." Oh. Oh, that must have hurt his pride a ton. Nothing quite puts a damper on lovemaking like a quick shot, I've been told by, ahum, more adventurous friends of mine. She must have been disappointed too.

"Damnit, we were both waiting for it, and then it just… ended. It's my fault." He looked down, obviously frustrated about his inability. "I got excited, and… S-sekai, I was… I was wondering if you can help in any way." He needed help. I didn't like it that I have to help him get along better with a girl other than me, but I wanted to help him. I wanted him to be happy, but how could I possibly help him? I was still a virgin; about the most erotic situation I was in was that kiss during Truth-and-Dare. How could I help him? Give him a porn mag? A bunch of tips fresh off the Internet?

Instead I said something much worse.

"I could train you!" I was this close to breaking down in hysterics. I just said it without thinking, and it terrified me to my very core. That was cheating! I was trying to wrench myself into his pants despite being friends with his girlfriend! Was I that obsessed with Makoto that I would go out of my way to ruin their relationship under the pretense of "helping"?

…or perhaps I wasn't ruining it? Perhaps I was banking on remaining the second best girl? A mistress to Kotonoha's wife, that he would be able to go back to in times of dire need? A friend that would hear him out and soothe his aching heart? It still sounded disgusting and immoral… but it was more palatable to me now.

Makoto looked equal parts disturbed and confused. "…train me?"

"Y-you know, since you probably just n-need more stamina to please Katsura-san a-and all that jazz! S-so we can figure out the techniques so you're both pleased." I was babbling out things that I didn't want to say, growing increasingly panicked; this close to a freak out. Makoto didn't say anything for a while, looking genuinely baffled that I would suggest something so… bad.

"I… uh, I'll let you know what I think, alright?" We parted ways as if nothing happened, but I knew that he must have thought of me as some sort of sex freak, a manipulative bitch trying to get in his pants behind Kotonoha's back. I cried myself to sleep that night.

In hindsight, I am awful.

We only exchanged greetings and some notes for the next few days. It didn't escape others' notice, though this time Taisuke couldn't just joke about a lovers' quarrel if it was both me and Makoto that were sad. Once again, Secchan was perceptive. I ate lunch with her that day, on the rooftop, and told her of my disgraceful plan. She didn't judge me, even if she perhaps should have done that.

"What did he say?"

"That he'll think about it." She nodded, a strange expression on her face. I couldn't tell if she was pleased or put off by this development. I couldn't tell what I myself thought. "Secchan… am I a bad person?" Setsuna surprised me. Her small hands held mine, squeezing reassuringly as she shook her head.

"You're not." She said with absolute certainty. I knew she'd do a lot for me – we were inseparable, basically, best friends forever – but this time it didn't sound like she was just trying to lift my spirits. That, and a small kiss that she gave to the knuckles of my hand. "You're not, Sekai."

And I believed her. For the next few days, things between me and Makoto got back to normal. We were still a little stiff around each other, but none of us was sulking anymore. It seemed like he and Kotonoha made up too. A relationship wasn't just the physical part, and even if they were both upset about their first time, that alone couldn't destroy that. Things were back to normal. Makoto invited her and me to a movie night at his place. I didn't want to go at first, fearing that I'd make things awkward, but they didn't seem to mind, even when I cuddled up to him in the middle of the movie. He didn't hold his hand around me like with Kotonoha, but I didn't mind. For the faintest of moments, I was feeling a perfect happiness. A second best girl. That wasn't bad too.

Kotonoha's dad came over to pick her up back home – staying a night at Makoto's place was a no-go – and soon it was just the two of us, playing video games on his old console. Dressed up for sleeping, in a t-shirt and short shorts, I felt no shame with him dressed up pretty much the same way no matter how close we sat. Even when our knees accidentally touched, we'd just laugh and wave it off. Just two friends, goofing together on a sleepover.

"Hey, Sekai…"

"What's up?"

"I thought about your idea… I'd like you to train me." And then we weren't just two friends, but a frustrated girl staring at her crush asking her to help him learn how to fuck his girlfriend better. Can you imagine a more hair-pulling situation? I nearly dropped the controller, just staring at him with my mouth slightly open. Some part of me screamed to tell him that I was just messing around, that I didn't mean to teach him like that, but the other, the dumber one, saw an opportunity to get what I wanted for so long. "I know it's weird, and it's still not quite alright with me, but if that's the only way to… to improve, to make sure that Kotonoha is satisfied, then—"

"Sure." In hindsight, I was a bitch. Suddenly I was aware that he sat so close, with both of us in our jammies. I wore panties under my shorts, but he might not have been wearing any briefs… As I later lay in his bed – he took the couch – and took in his scent, it was becoming hard to even think. I wanted him. I wanted him to pin me down on this very bed and take me, make me his personal toy. I wanted his love, his lust, his affection. Before I knew it, my fingers were inside me, and I tried my hardest not to scream, both in arousal and in frustration.

On Monday after this weekend, things seemed normal at a glance, but I knew that sooner or later he'd ask me for assistance. We met on the rooftop after class. I was only meaning to tell him how this would go, but a bitch in me decided to start us off right away. I told him to sit, then went down on my knees in front of him. He lit up like a light, but didn't say a word, merely watching me as I slowly undid his pants and, after a deep breath, fished his dick out.

In hindsight, I am a horny bitch.

At first I simply stroked him, getting familiar with the shape of his manhood. "This is Kotonoha's", I'd think now and then, fighting back the jealousy. What more could I want? Given the circumstances, this was the best I'd get: a chance to be physical with him. Handjobs quickly became blowjobs, "once a day" became "twice a day" and then "thrice a day". Frankly, I had no idea if this would even work, do anything beyond give us a moment of pleasure and a chance to release pent-up stress. He also opened up to me in conversation. He'd monologue about his girlfriend with my lips tightly wrapped around his meat, unaware of how indecent and awful that sounded. I didn't say much, having so much to work with, merely listening to him.

Initially I thought that their relationship was getting better with my help, but eventually something began to crack. They were talking less, being less with each other. He wanted more lessons and I, too horny to stop and too stupid to listen, obliged him. All of this was to please Kotonoha. Or was it? Was I really helping my friend in fixing her relationship? Or was I just waiting for a chance to have him to myself?

It was yet another night at his place. Kotonoha had just left and we were left to our own devices. "Sekai, I want to go all the way. I must make sure I'm adequate." I had no idea if he really believed his words or was just trying to get into my panties. I let him all the same. He took me on his bed, took my virginity, took my breath away, treated me like a queen. He wanted me, desired me, made me as happy as I thought it's possible. We fell asleep embraced together, completely naked and covered in sweat.

The moral hangover came tomorrow.

It only hit me once I was back home. Saturday early afternoon. Mom wasn't home, so it was just me. My legs quivered and I stumbled down to the bathroom, fighting back an urge to vomit. Where was all this going? Why was I so actively trying to steal Makoto from Kotonoha like that? There was no better proof of cheating than having sex. Only the two of us knew about it, and yet I felt like everyone suddenly stared as I passed on my way home. He used a rubber, so there was no risk of pregnancy… but that wasn't even the point! Was I really so obsessed, so incredibly monothematic to try and get him, and only him? Were there no other men in this fucking school that would do? Why was I so attached to Makoto?

I called Secchan and lied back on the bed, trying not to choke on my tears. The self-revulsion shook me deeply, turned my body into a block of ice. I wanted to disappear, to bury myself deep underground and never show up again. I just… I couldn't bring myself to look Kotonoha in the eye anymore. How could I? These blowjobs might even have been fine, but a full-on sex even she would not forgive. I had no idea how someone as sweet and nice would look when angered… but I was likely about to find out sooner than later.

Setsuna came, and I told her everything. I told her about the trainings, what they entailed, how I carried them out. I told her that I've done a terrible thing to myself, to Makoto, and to Kotonoha. She bristled slightly when I've mentioned that last name. I could see it. For all they've been seemingly getting along, Secchan did not like her one bit. But why…?

"When you were together… were you happy?" Such a heavy question. Of course I was. It was the most electrifying, most exhilarating event in my whole life. At the same time, I was cheating with Makoto behind Kotonoha's back, and that soured the situation plenty.

"I don't know."

"Do you think you can only be with Itou? No one else?" Another heavy question. God, I wish I knew an answer to that one back then.

"I don't know…" Now it was her who looked conflicted over something. I asked what troubled her, but she didn't answer, merely opting to hold me.

"…Sekai, if you are sure about this, then you know you'll have to let him go."

Of course. That seems obvious in hindsight. Just… let go of him. Makoto is not the end of the world. Now I know that, all that time, Secchan tried her hardest to get me and him hitched, but ultimately, he chose Kotonoha. She spent all that time fighting a lost war, and then trying to sabotage their relationship just so I could get a shot. She's a good friend, but all this shouldn't have happened.

When he asked me for more training, I didn't refuse.

I couldn't let go. I knew I had to, because once he inevitably came back to Kotonoha, I'd be left on ice, and with no way of having him. It was like a bad habit; kick it off before it's too late. But, like a bad habit, you really don't want to kick it off. We did smaller, minor things on the rooftop and then whenever he came to me or I came to him, we would finalize the session in a bed, bodies sweaty and breaths strained. I loved every stroke of his dick, every moan he ripped out of my throat, all the times he called my name and I called his. It was a downward spiral that would surely end in disaster, but neither of us wanted to stop. At this point I didn't care if he honestly believed that this was for training. I just wanted him, and I knew he wanted me.

Makoto's relationship with Kotonoha became strained, and it didn't escape anyone's attention. I knew that Secchan knew about my betrayal, but she never said a word, only judging me silently from behind others. My happiness was her chief concern – and if that meant that I would ruin an existing relationship, she would let me do it. She stopped bothering Kotonoha however, deciding that inaction is as far as she's willing to go. It made sense: I did say I was planning to let him go…

But I couldn't.

A few days before the school festival he took me on the rooftop. Didn't even bother with disrobing me any, just pulling my panties aside to go to town on me. I let him, entranced by his touch. We couldn't pretend it was training anymore – it was a dirty quickie just outside of notice. However, as we lay there, basking in the afterglow, with his dick lazily rubbing up against my butt, he said something that brought me down to earth.

He asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend.

At first I thought I misheard, but when he saw my confusion, he said it again. "Do you want to be my girlfriend, Sekai?" was what he said. I just stared at him dumbly. He must have taken it as a demand for explanation and so went on.

"I can break up with Kotonoha. Things aren't okay between us anymore, it's… I realized that I've been chasing the wrong girl this entire time." He certainly knew what to say to make me quiver. Such a chance! Break up with her, become my boyfriend in turn? That was a dream come true! "I want you, Sekai. I feel like I'm happier with you than I ever was with her." He knew exactly what to say. He just knew how to get me to agree with him.

This time, an alarm lamp lit up in my head. I just wish it would have happened sooner. "Makoto, we can't do that. This was always meant to be only training." It hurt saying these words. I could turn to him at any moment, and I knew he would accept me. He wanted me, I wanted him… but this was wrong. "Come on, you fought so hard to get Kotonoha to go out with you, didn't you?"

"And what came out of it? A fat lot of nothing." I didn't usually hear him be frustrated or even angry, and yet here we were. "You… we just clicked together."

"Makoto… this is wrong. You know this is wrong."

"If it's so wrong, then why does it feel so right?" Another million-yen question right here. He was right. It felt right to satisfy myself, to indulge my base instincts, my obsession, my own pursuit. He was right, partially. Goddamnit, I was here first. Kotonoha was an intruder, an outsider that butted into our group…

…but then I realized that I myself invited her in. I got her and Makoto together. Even the training, wrong as it was, was meant for him to be better at pleasing her, not me. I couldn't. I wanted him. I wanted him so badly, even as I rejected all this, my thighs were still soaked. If he were so bold to take me again on the rooftop, against my will, I might have submitted to him and resigned myself to my carnal desires.

But I couldn't.

"It felt right. But it doesn't anymore. I did a really bad thing, Makoto." He wasn't going to be forever faithful to Kotonoha, not when he was a sixteen-year-old who freshly discovered sex. "I led you astray, tried to steal you away from Katsura-san. Don't you think it's awful? I won't say that you should have stopped me, but… you're telling me now that you are willing to throw her away? For what, for more sex? You know a relationship isn't just that, right?"

He looked dumbfounded, and something about his expression deeply hurt me. It really felt like he wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't quite reconsidering, but rather just pondering. After a pregnant moment of silence, he just left. No decision, no "goodbye", no "I love you", no nothing. He just left.

I decided to cut my class short. My whole world was spinning like I've drank six Sapporos in one go, and I was pretty sure I almost got run over by a cyclist on my way back home. I was pale, shuddering and feeling pretty disgusted myself. For Kotonoha's sake, I decided to throw away my chances with the boy I loved, but I couldn't look at anyone or anything. I just crawled into the bed and lied there, crying silently.

Setsuna came to visit me, but she wasn't alone. The whole gang came over to check up on me, minus Makoto and Kotonoha. I wasn't much for talking, but seeing their grins and hearing their encouraging words made me feel a little bit better. Eventually, it was only me and Secchan. We didn't say anything for a while – me in the bed and her sitting in a chair next to it. Something about the look on her face worried me. It was the kind of look that heralded a terrible announcement.

"For your sake, I'll do a lot of things. You know that by now." I knew that. "…so I told the guys that Makoto forced himself on you." I stared at her blankly before a realization washed over me and I felt even sicker than before. Setsuna looked to be understanding, reaching out to stroke my hair reassuringly, but the feeling of abject terror remained even despite her soothing touch. "I told Ka-no, Kotonoha the same thing. She wanted to remain on her own after the news, so she didn't come over."

In hindsight, this all happened because I switched places with Setsuna. Her chase after Makoto was more on the platonic side, but, perhaps she too would have developed romantic feelings towards him. She'd probably do nothing about the phone charm, and certainly she wouldn't have suggested something so dumb like playing matchmaker.

And now we were ruining relationships and people's public opinions because of how much of a fucking idiot I was all that time. "Secchan… am I a bad person?" I asked, feeling tears starting to well in my eyes. Setsuna looked at me and smiled. It was a very sad smile.

"I'm afraid both of us are."

I stayed at home for a few days, still not feeling very well. Kotonoha came to visit and we had a chat. She wanted to know how things between me and Makoto were, and so we perpetuated that lie Setsuna made: he caught me and took me, misinterpreting my usual teasing. She was heartbroken, that much was certain, but there was something else. Her eyes looked like they've lost some shine to them. The way she looked at me chilled me to the bone, like I was staring at an oncoming train in a dark tunnel.

"Saionji-san…" We've been on first name basis by then, so her going back to formalities terrified me even more. "Can you, with all certainty, say that you never tried to seduce Makoto-kun?" She stared at me with those empty, dead eyes, like she was planning to throttle me right then and there. Honestly, it would be well deserved. Naturally, I cowered before her before a revulsion hit me and I found myself scrambling out of the bed to rush to the bathroom.

That near-admission of guilt, ironically, spared me from her wrath. Kotonoha apologized, saying that she's simply stressed and is just thinking of the bleakest scenarios all the time. She didn't mean to spook me that badly. I could only offer a weak "don't worry about it" and watch her leave before I succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep. In a nightmare that I had, Kotonoha stood above me with a gruesome saw, ready to cut me open. The moment the steel dug into my body, I woke up with a scream, and with yet another rush to the bathroom.

God, that was all so fucked up. How did we end up here, when at the beginning we simply had stupid silly phone charms?

The atmosphere in school once I was back felt different, and much worse than before. The rumor spread quickly enough. People looked at me with pity and compassion. In comparison, Makoto received nothing but looks this close to full-on hostility. Gone was the usual bubbly, slightly carefree air that persisted even through all this romancing drama. Taisuke even asked me to switch places with me in class, so he could keep watch of any "funny business", and so I was seated next to Hikari from now on.

Makoto didn't make an effort to defend himself any. He didn't accuse me of lying, didn't try to refute accusations, present proof. There was no proof. It was his word against mine – and a vast warmachine that Secchan put into motion to support it. She did it with a heavy heart, but, at the end of the day, I mattered to her more than he did. Nobody spoke to him, not even a customary "hi". There was no bullying, no violence – but honestly, this might have been even worse. Just… it was as if he wasn't even there.

I watched him try and talk to Kotonoha later on, in the cafeteria. She very pointedly tried to avoid him, but he kept trying to apologize and make amends. After his impassiveness the whole day, it was surprising to watch him so animated, so terrified. He grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving. When she turned, it was with an open hand, right to his face. The sheer resounding force of the slap turned everyone's heads to look at the poignant moment of rejection. Kotonoha didn't say a word, merely turning back on her heel and walking away. He stared at her dumbly, and stayed like this for a few more moments before he too turned and left.

In hindsight, this is all my fault.

Secchan walked me home that day, but didn't come in. Apparently she had some important preparations to deal with, something regarding the school festival and some other personal stuff. That's when he came to visit. The sight of Makoto just standing in the doorway, casually saying "hi" even despite the resigned voice, shocked me profoundly. For a moment I thought that this is it; he would force himself in, brutalize me and leave my lifeless body inside.

…but no. He wouldn't. For all his faults, Makoto was always softhearted. Violence wasn't something he did, which is why Secchan's lie was so shocking. Who would have thought that a reclusive, unremarkable guy like him actually turned out to be a rapist? I didn't let him in, but we talked at the doorstep. There was a lack of shine in his eyes, just like in Kotonoha's a few days back.

There wasn't much to talk about either. All he really did was ask me: "Was it worth it?" We both knew what he meant. Rather than come clean I chose to slander and smear him to save my own sorry hide. We were both guilty here: I started the idea and he fell for it bait, hook and sinker. Only he was paying for our stupidity.

I had nothing to say to him, wracked by shame. He seemed to have expected it; he turned without a word and left. That was the last I saw of him. Later I've learned that he transferred to another school outside of Sakakino. I still had his phone number and he had mine, but neither of us would call. This was the end. The problem was gone, and yet I didn't cheer. How could I, if I started this mess in the first place?

As it turned out, neither me nor Kotonoha had a date to dance with at the school festival, and so we just attended our attractions. Our class was doing a maid café, for example; a cute initiative with cute waitresses. Kotonoha was supposed to oversee something her class made, but some strings were pulled and she spent most of the festival at our place. I played up my appearances, both for her and for myself, and I think she tried her best to go back to normalcy as well. Some of the girls from her class came over to be a bother, but Nanami told them to beat it. The last thing we needed was some bullies, and Kotonoha was in a perfect position to be bullied right now.

Before I could home that day, Secchan stopped me. Something about her expression alarmed me: she looked like she was crying just a moment ago. I haven't seen her do that since the beginning of the year, back when she was still picked on by bullies. It was Makoto who saved her back then. Look where we are here now. This time, it was me who brought her to her place. She told me something that shook my very world.

She was leaving. In a week, she and her mom would be departing to France.

It was like someone took ground from under my legs. I stared at her in dumb, muted shock, stared and couldn't believe my ears. First Makoto, now her? Was this karma, my punishment for this mess? Setsuna was apologetic, but she could not do anything to change her mom's mind. In a week, I would remain alone. Yes, there would be others from our group, there would be Kotonoha, but… that just wasn't the same. Secchan was someone else. She was the dearest of friends, the one who kept me up despite my failings, despite my misgivings, despite everything I've done. Who am I without her?

That week felt like it only lasted a day or so. Before I knew it, I was seeing Setsuna again for the last time in a long, long while. She was departing that night, staying back at the apartment to take care of the few final things before their flight to France. We had some time, even if it was in an empty room where most of their things were already taken away. Setsuna seemed thoughtful, as she sat there on the edge of the bed, in a dress that seemed more daring than her usual fare. Black was always a good color on her.

"We'll still keep in touch, so don't worry." I forced myself to smile. She smiled in kind, but hers wasn't nearly as well-made as mine. "I probably can't call you on the phone anymore, but there's still the net."

"Yeah." The discussion didn't exactly gel. For our last meeting it sure was awkward and painfully silent. "Sekai, I... you know that I'd do anything for you." I flinched. What an awful time to remind me, I thought, idly thinking back of Makoto and wondering what he was up to before I quenched that thought. "I've been… I wanted you to be happy so that even once I was gone, you'd be able to keep on going."

"I am happy, Secchan."

"Liar." A moment of silence. I looked down at my feet. "Makoto is still in the back of your mind. You won't forgive yourself after everyone smeared him… and it's all my fault." I didn't want to admit it, but it might have been. Setsuna was the one who engineered the lie. Prior to her interference, nobody else but us three knew what was happening. "Sekai… Sekai, I'm so sorry. I made such a blunder, and… and I was thinking that this was all good for you, I-I…" Her voice was starting to choke up in her throat, and tears dwelled in her eyes.

It wasn't quite the same like the tears back when she told me she was moving. Here, it seemed there was way more regret behind. "Secchan, it's okay, it's fine. What's done is do—"

"It's not fine!" I jumped a little at a sudden increase of volume. Setsuna held my arms tightly, shaking me desperately. "Nothing about this is fine! I ruined your lives, Sekai! I ruined his, and I ruined yours! What kind of awful person does that?!" She clung to me, breaking out into full-on sobbing. "Who does that…?"

I knew that well. I knew just how hard it was to live with the feeling of guilt clinging to you like a wet t-shirt. I told all about it to Secchan all these times, and now it was her time to let it out. She held it much better than I could ever hope to, but even she wasn't infallible. "…hey, Setsuna…" I found myself speaking without ever making such an intent after a moment. "Do you think we're bad people?"

She stares at me for a moment and then nods without a word. At least I got her to stop crying, for all it was worth. I never realized it, but she was pretty, so pretty. She might not have had much in the way of a body, but just looking at her made your heart beat faster and feel warmer. You were happy when you looked at her, if that even made any sense. It made sense for me. Secchan was my friend, my dearest friend, that stuck with me through thick and thin. If I ever killed someone, she'd help me bury the body and get rid of all evidence without so much as blinking. She wasn't made out of stone, however. Sooner or later that mask would give in, and she would wallow in despair. It was her lowest moment, her darkest hour. She needed comfort and I, fresh off my own darkest hour, wanted to provide it.

So I kissed her.

I don't know what came over me. I just leaned in and pressed our lips together for a brief moment. She didn't resist, likely too surprised to react. It came to me a second too late just what I was doing, pulling back. "Oh, um, s-sorry, I didn't mean to—"

She kissed back.

Before we knew it, we started disrobing each other in a fit of confusion, arousal and frustration. We were tired, tired of our schemes, tired of the world, burdened by the weight of sins on our shoulders. Makoto was so important to both of us, without him we were just… lost. We needed release, and who was better to turn to for it than your best friend and your partner in crime?

Before I knew it, my face was buried between her legs, nuzzling up against her soft trim, tasting her adorable flavor. I had no idea what to do, relying entirely on instinct, on my want, trying to use my lessons with Makoto as a template. I was doing a good job, at least; Secchan's voice was trembling with excitement, her small body squirming from all this sensation.

Before I knew it, she paid me back twofold. My body was hers, and she made good use of it. She was even greener than me when it came to lewd stuff, but it didn't seem to matter any. I've never felt so electrified, so on fire. The way she cared for me amidst all this dirtiness, that did way more to me than even the most skilled lover would.

Before I knew it, we were making out and scissoring at the same time, clinging to each other for warmth and affection. Before I knew it, I breathed out "I love you, Secchan" and she returned the sentiment. We kissed some more, our bodies moved some more… before we knew it, it was over and we cuddled together, basking in the afterglow. Despite the abruptness of it all, it felt right. For the first time in a while I felt like I was truly happy. For a moment, I didn't think of all the drama that I've caused, that I was a part of. There was no phone charms, no Kotonohas, no Makotos, no lies. It was just me and her.

And now she had to go.

I didn't despair even as I became alone. Yes, the life was going to be so much more difficult now that neither she nor he were present, but it was a fact that I had to live with. We kept in touch with Secchan – now even more frequently than before despite the limited means. I was happy. It wasn't quite the happiness that I felt back then, in the throes of pleasure, but something about me felt fulfilled after so much torment had seeped through.

The atmosphere at school slowly returned to normal. Kotonoha seemed in better spirits too. Hikari and Taisuke got together, finally. Things were just… normal. I was once again an ordinary kid pleased with ordinary things. It felt nice, if a little sleepy. Sometimes I would think of what became of Makoto before insensitively shrugging my shoulders and concluding it's not my business anymore. That lie he took with him. Then I would think what became of Setsuna, and I would smile. I had no idea if this made us a couple, or if we were just saying things without thinking, but she was still my friend.

And then, my mom announced that we too would be moving to France. My whole world exploded once more, but this time, for the first time in what seemed like forever, a sudden twist of fate was something that I wanted. To be able to see Setsuna again, to hug her… maybe to kiss her, I wanted it. Mom seemed surprised that I wasn't arguing against it. Yes, leaving the old life behind wasn't easy, and I would certainly miss all these idiots from school, even Taisuke.

But… but perhaps I needed to start anew. In hindsight, I got out of all this with a slap on the wrist.

And so, I found myself living in Paris. Setsuna and her mom were set up quite a distance away compared to back at Sakakino, but it was still just a matter of some travelling. I even took to cycling to get around from point A to B. I also had to took up French for obvious reasons, but, surprisingly, it didn't end up being too difficult for me. I was still messing up some grammar rules, but I could speak largely coherently after just a couple of lessons.

Our first meeting after being separated was at a small café about in the middle of the road between our places. Setsuna looked good, more confident, healthier. It seemed that staying in France did a lot of good to her – and she was always flawless with her own French – but now that I was there too, she was positively radiant. We talked about a bunch of dumb stuff, the usual kind that schoolgirls at our age would talk about.

But then something in the air changed. We both looked at each other, and reminder of that last night at Sakakino came in full force. "…Secchan, I… we're friends, right?"

"Yeah."

"Do we… do we want to be more than friends?" We both understood that back then this wasn't meant to be more than a piled-up frustration, stress relief for both of us, a last hurrah between friends. It just… came to us. Could a relationship come to us in the same vein? Was it possible? What if it wouldn't pan out and we would go our separate ways.

"I don't know." She replies after a moment, and I think that's about the best answer she could give me. "Let's just… let's not think about it for now, okay? Let's enjoy our company. It's been a while." It was. I smiled at her.

In hindsight, this realization of our feelings may not have been possible without all that happened before it. If we didn't switch places back then, we might have had never even think of such a situation. Maybe things would go how Setsuna originally envisioned them: that I would be dating Makoto and she would be making sure that ship sails smoothly. Maybe he would be dating Setsuna instead, and I would be the doting friend instead. Hell, maybe he'd ask Hikari out. I cannot say.

In hindsight, things would probably be vastly different than they were now. Me and Secchan started dating after dancing around the issue the entire Christmas. If this was Sakakino, the New Year's Eve would be a perfect time for such a confession, near the shrine. No such luck here in Paris, but we still had fireworks for an extra effect. She was the one who proposed. We kept it between us, and, I think, that helped us remain as friends still. The worst kind of relationship is when you stop being a friend with another person to be their lover instead. People here were more tolerant of same-sex couples, but we decided that nobody needs to know, at least not right away. We had fun at clubs, went to parks, enjoyed class parties and, when it was just the two of us, we would sometimes indulge in another's touch, behind closed doors.

I kept minimal contact with the Sakakino crew. I knew that Taisuke and Hikari were still going out, but Nanami broke up with her senior boyfriend over some sort of misunderstanding. Kotonoha was on her own so far, but she seemed to be taking it in stride, and her bullying lessened a considerable amount. It seemed that only one of Otome's posse seemed determined to keep pestering her, but even her was told to knock it off.

Things there were going at their own rhythm. Things here too had their own pace. In hindsight, that seems like a natural thing.

In hindsight, so many things seem obvious… but you never know until after you've done them.

---

Hi there. I felt a strange need to write something School Days-y recently and so, over a course of a few days, this recount of the story from Sekai's perspective – and with some artistic AU liberties – was born, a stream of consciousness that hit me and wouldn't go away. All the truth behind Overflow's tangled family tree aside, Sekai x Setsuna had always been something of a guilty pleasure of mine. At the same time, I wanted petty campus drama that didn't necessarily end bloodily and so, here we are.

As far as my other fanfics go, the usual phrase is "when it's done", I'm afraid. I've been trying to write my own things, got back into Hollow Knight, the works. Do stay tuned, however: I have quite a few more ideas for oneshots like these, not necessarily in this fandom. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated.