Hey guys! This isn't one of my greatest fics and I'm not the best writer, but I hope you enjoy~
Disclaimer: I do not own NCISLA, but I really, really, really hope that I did.
She walked towards the couch in the bullpen and slowly sat herself down. Her body was still aching from Afghanistan, but her bruises and broken bones were healing up nicely. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes before slowly breathing out and throwing her head back. She was amazed at how quiet the mission was and how relaxed she felt.
It had been three weeks of recovering, recuperating, and relaxing at home. She couldn't wait to get out, go back into the field and throw herself into a case, but that would have to wait until after her results from her reevaluation. She'd done well and in true Kensi fashion, she was stubborn as hell towards the psychiatrist – who was not Nate – and insisted that she was fine. She was anything but.
But right now, in this moment, she was calm. For the first time in three weeks, there was silence. No gunplay, no memories, and most certainly, no Jack.
Actually, that was not true. There was one memory that broke through her solace.
"Shhhh, we're going home. We're going home."
She could still feel his strong arms wrapped protectively around her as she settled into his warmth and broke down. She swears she could still feel and hear his heartbeat that steadily beat through his chest.
His voice had been calming and reassured her both mentally and emotionally that she was safe, but it was his arms that ensured her safety physically and for that, she couldn't thank him enough.
"Hey."
She slowly opened her eyes and looked at the direction the voice emanated from.
A small smile appeared on her face as she replied, "Hey."
He was leaning against his desk when he asked, "When's the last time you had a good night's sleep?"
"Deeks, I'm fine." She automatically responded, not looking him in the eyes.
He gave her a disapproving look with a knowing smile.
She let out a sigh and asked, "How'd you know?"
He stood up straight and walked over to her, "I've been through this once too, remember? I know what it's like. I've been where you are. Besides Sam, I'm the one person that knows what you're going through and the one person that you can't lie to. So, Fern, that being said, when's the last time you had a good night's sleep?"
She finally relented, "Two weeks ago." She didn't miss how his voice turned playful and how he tried to suppress a smile when he called her Fern. Honestly, when he had first called her Fern, she hated it, but now, it was comforting.
"After that?"
"Nightmares."
He held out a hand and when she gave him a curious look, he said, "C'mon, I'm gonna take you home."
"Deeks…" She started, but ultimately, she acquiesced and offered him her hand.
Deeks smiled and helped pull her up. "Good choice."
"Thanks, Deeks." Kensi sat down on his couch and took the beer that he offered her. He opened his own beer and sat down next to her. "Thanks for bringing me to your place. It's just that -"
"Hey." Deeks rested his bottle on his coffee table and placed his hands on top of hers. "Hey, you don't have to explain anything to me."
She gave him a little smile and broke their gaze to watch whatever it was that was playing on his TV. He wistfully smiled as she pulled her hands out from under his and turned to watch the TV show that had captured his partner's attention.
He felt empty and cold as she broke their act of affection. That feeling soon went away when she leaned against him. He could feel how tense she was and literally hear the regrets that were bubbling up to the surface. He felt her slowly pulling away from him when he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulled her close, and grinned wildly. She finally settled against him and together, they watched the show in comfortable silence.
"Have you seen your mom yet?"
She broke away from his embrace and looked down at her hands. Her fingers deftly slid over the neck of the beer bottle, little droplets of water being scooped up by her fingers.
"Yeah, um…"
"You tell her about Jack?"
She shook her head. "I told her what happened though."
"That's good." Not knowing what else to say, he took a sip of his beer and waited for her to talk.
"How do you do it, Deeks?"
He looked at her curiously, "Do what?"
"How do you smile when everyone looks at you with pity?"
"I think about the one thing that makes me smile."
"What's that?"
"You."
"Deeks…" Her voice was a whisper as she said his name. Tears threatened to fall as she looked at him.
"Look, Kens," He placed his beer back onto the coffee table and shifted himself to face her. "I had Sam to talk to and now, you have me." He shifted again to move closer to her and continued, "Last time, I told you how I hoped that you never went through what I went through, but you did." His voice was barely above a whisper when he finished his sentence.
"You went through it worse than I did, Kens. You were beaten and tortured. You found the one person that made you so stubborn and broke your heart after years of not knowing, but I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here even if you don't want to talk."
Kensi looked away from him and fiddled with her beer bottle again and recalled the night when she had said those exact words to him.
He had said that he wanted to get away from everything. He looked like a lost puppy as tears started to well up in his eyes. His hair was disheveled and his scruff was a little more grown out than usual. The stitched up scar on his cheek that she presumed was from some sort of knife only made him look more vulnerable than he already was.
She had asked him if he wanted to get away from everyone too and he didn't respond. Tears threatened to fall as she took his silence for a 'yes' and slowly nodded in understanding. She had started to walk away when he had called her back. He had explained how he got through the pain; how she was his safe haven. She had let out a shaky breath that she didn't know she was holding and tentatively walked toward him. She wanted only to kiss him and finally break the sexual tension that their relationship and partnership was built upon, but as soon as she heard Sam and Callen's voices, she pulled back and took a deep breath of disappointment.
"Kens?" His voice pulled her back from her thoughts. "Kens?"
She looked up at him and smiled. "Thanks."
"Look, Kens, you don't have to explain, but if you want to, I'll be here. And I'll talk about what happened to me if it would make you feel better."
She was going to shake her head, but her body betrayed her and she nodded. He took her hands in his and slowly rubbed his thumb the back of her band for comfort as he started to explain what had happened to him.
By the time he had finished and she had started to explain what happened to her, it was nearing 1 AM.
But she didn't care.
"Do you know what it's like to see a ghost?"
Beer bottles and cartons of Chinese food lay scattered on Deeks' coffee table as she sat cross legged on his couch. They faced each other while picking at their noodles and rice and taking the occasional sip of beer.
"Depends. What kind of ghost? Metaphorical or literal?" Deeks smirked.
Kensi was immensely grateful to Deeks for everything that he'd done for her throughout their partnership. Especially, for making her smile during serious moments and for teaching her to let some of the weight off her shoulders. Though, that was one of the many reasons they had trouble communicating the way that they did. But, it was also one of the main reasons that she could talk to him about the hard things; the things that she couldn't talk about to the other members of the team – even Nell.
Kensi gave him a small smile in return and continued on with her story, "Both. When I saw Jack through the scope of my sniper, I couldn't shoot. I thought that it was just a mean trick that my mind played on me. I always thought that he had died. Then, when I was being held captive in that cave, I finally saw for myself that he was real and I kind of freaked out, until I realized he was hurt."
Kensi set aside her food and drink and gave Deeks an apologetic look before continuing, "As soon as I saw him, all of my old feelings for him came rushing back like a tidal wave. And then he started speaking and I felt my heart breaking all over again."
Deeks set aside his own meal and moved closer to her, taking hold of her hands and gently stroking them. She looked up at him and gave him a grateful smile. Her throat closed up and tears started to well up in her eyes. Thousands of thoughts started forming in her head of whether or not she should continue with her story. She already felt guilty enough for talking about Jack to him, but talking about her love for Jack was a whole new level of guilt.
After a long (but, not really) debate in her head, she decided to continue, "He told me that he didn't love me anymore. And that was really just-" She cleared her throat and started a new sentence, "Even if he had left me on Christmas morning, a part of me still loved him, but to hear him say that…"
Kensi shook her head and looked away from Deeks, who was being patient and waiting for her to speak again. It was several minutes before she did though, but now, she looked directly at Deeks.
"He told me that he had gotten married and had a child. I felt so angry at him, but when he told me that his wife had died, I felt so guilty at myself for feeling the way that I did."
Deeks wrapped his arms around her. Her head nuzzled his chest as he pulled her close and whispered, "You don't need to feel guilty about anything. Nothing."
"I feel that way right now." It was a low whisper, low enough for him not to hear it, but he did.
Slowly, he pulled away from her and looked her in the eyes. To her, it felt like the moment on the motorcycle where they'd kissed. She had vehemently complained at his lack of communication, but when he did "say" what he meant, she'd taken off and he'd been captured. He'd been captured and tortured and –
Before any other thoughts could come to her, his lips were on hers; slow and timid. His hands cupped her face as hers played with the soft curls on the nape of his neck. His fingers gently rubbed her cheek as he pulled her closer.
Soon, the lack of oxygen was too much for them. They pulled away slowly, wanting to savor the taste of each other. When he opened his eyes, her eyes were still closed and all he could think to himself was, 'God, she's beautiful.' Their foreheads rested against one another's and their hands remained idle where they were. Their breaths ghosted past each other and tickled their skin.
When she did open her eyes, all she could see was how blue his eyes were. His fingers still rubbed small circles on her cheek as her hand moved to feel the light scruff on his chin. At her touch, his smile fell. He knew exactly what would come next. Her touch was full of longing and wishful thinking, not of the hope he expected to feel - if you could feel hope that is.
She muttered a sorry to him and started to pull away. As soon as he felt her hands slip away, he caught her by the wrist.
He stood up alongside her and pleadingly whispered, "Stay."
"I can't, Deeks."
"Why not?"
She turned around to face him and he let go of her wrist. "Because I'm too damaged, Deeks. I'm too broken."
In one last ditch effort to get her to stay, he confessed, "That makes two of us."
He pulled her into a tight hug and kissed the top of her head. "If you leave right now, I don't think I can go on with our partnership anymore; I can't continue to fake this." He wrapped his arms tighter around her and said, "You're not the damaged one in this relationship, I am. You might be broken, Kens, but I'm damaged."
His honesty broke her heart. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in her own tight hug.
Through tears, she whispered, "I'll stay."
A/N: Reviews are much appreciated! :D