I do not own Naruto. All rights belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
Warning No Beta
Chapter One
It was half past midnight. The reception probably just ended. She wondered if the whole village had made an appearance, probably, if the empty streets were any indication. It was the marriage of the future Hokage and the largest clan left standing, who wouldn't want to be there? It was practically a regal event.
She snorted, toeing at the dirt, it was stiff due to the unusually cold winter Konoha was currently being cursed with. She rocked forward and the old swing gave a deep groan of protest but swayed softly at her motions, shaking some loose snow off the firm branch above her head, it fell into wet heaps at her feet.
She stared up at the starry sky, thinking if she could just disappear right then and there, if she could melt away with the snow, if maybe she could feel alright again. Or if she could feel anything at all. The thought made her throat constrict painfully as she took soft gulps of the icy, burning air.
The swing came to an abrupt stop as she heaved a heavy sigh, looking down at her watch with tired eyes. They'd be heading home soon, probably drunk, to their new home. Where they'd pop out a few kids and join the domestic rat race.
Her stomach twisted painfully.
She moved off the old swing with a tired groan. As she combed a hand through her hair she thought that maybe she should head back to the hospital and see if she could convince one of the nurses to let her take over a rotation or two… or three.
Probably not. She was sure Tsunade had made sure everyone working tonight wouldn't dare. She'd have a lot of things -more specifically, people- to answer to tomorrow, but right now she didn't really give a damn.
She rooted around the pockets of her coat for a moment before pulling out a heavily fragranced pack of clove cigarettes. She placed one between her lips, reddened and slightly swollen by the sharp chill in the air.
"Need a light?"
She looked up between pink lashes to see a slightly familiar shinobi in anbu gear, he had dark hair and a carefree, goofy smile on his face. A dangerous combination.
Despite the sourness biting at her tongue, her lips curled around the cigarette into a smile, she nodded, noticing as he grew closer that his eyes were a very daring shade of hazelnut brown.
"I didn't think I'd run into you again." He smiled, offering her a silver lighter, to which she leaned forward. He hesitated for a moment before lighting it for her, a barely noticeable glimmer appearing in his eyes as he drew back.
"You did look familiar," She smiled, "Unfortunately, I can't place where we've met."
"Fortunately," he smiled, coming a little closer than before to boldly pull the cigarette from her lips, "You happened to be working the day I came in with a punctured lung." He took a long drag, his shoulders stiffening slightly, squaring out to show off the muscle in his upper body.
Her green eyes shifted from his broad chest, settling on watching his gloved fingers as he held out the cigarette to her. She once again bent forward to pinch it between her lips, allowing them to brush ever so softly against the cool leather fabric of his gloves.
His grin broadened as he seemed so follow the intent behind her behavior, his eyes wandering to the subtle curve of her neck.
"Lucky you." She breathed, the orange glow illuminating her pale features. She began to walk, allowing him to join her leisurely pace.
"I never got to thank you." He laughed, a slightly heady edge to his words as he accepted the cigarette she offered him, lighting it as he trotted beside her.
He smelled like blood and moss, and she couldn't help but think that maybe he was just what she needed to disappear for a while, something to numb the prickling in the back of her spine.
"You can now." She breathed, letting her fingers trace over his knuckles. Imagining his hands fisted in her hair…
"Oh?" He breathed, he was tall, and as he stopped to stand before her, his chin just barely brushed the hair atop her head "What could I possibly do to repay you?"
Whatever sultry purr she planned to conjure was interrupted by a very wet gob of snow that forced the man's chin to nearly slam into her head, had the pair not been two trained shinobi.
"What the fu-" the dark haired shinobi began, but as a second snowball whizzed just past his head, exploding into bits of watery lumps on her coat, he froze in an awkward stance that blocked her vision.
"I can take it from here."
Sakura scowled at the annoyingly familiar lazy drawl and pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling heat rise to her face as she pushed past the now deeply confused anbu.
"Fuck off, will you?" She hissed, seeing the mock-innocent glimmer in Kakashi's eyes as he raised his hands in defense.
"I was just on my way home when I saw my favorite student being pawed at by some strange man. What kind of man would I be if I didn't intervene?" He asserted, leaning over to shoot a look at the dark haired man from over Sakura's head.
"A living one." the pinkette scoffed, tossing her cigarette as she held Kakashi in place with a particularly venomous glare while she offered a sympathetic shrug to the now very dejected looking brunette.
Seeming to get the hint that their unwanted guest wouldn't simply wander off without causing a scene he politely said goodbye to the Hokage's apprentice with a promise to see her again.
"Seriously, an anbu, Sakura? Do you know how lame those guys are?" Kakashi scoffed from behind his mask, playfully eyeing the fuming woman in front of him. He never did understand the expression 'don't poke the bear'.
"What the fuck, Kakashi?" Sakura sighed, seeming to cool off from either the barrage of snowballs or Kakashi's poor sense of humor.
"Where were you tonight?" He questioned, tone now low and accusatory. Everything she didn't want to hear right now. She'd much rather be listening to whatever sweet nothings that anbu could be whispering into her ear right now, had Kakashi not made an appearance.
She shoved past the older man, allowing her shoulder to roughly rock against him as she did so, but he made it clear that her sour attitude wasn't enough to shake him- not that it ever was.
"I sat in the back." She grumbled under her breath. Annoyed that he wouldn't just leave her alone.
"Oh yeah? In your scrubs?" He questioned with a quirk of his silvery brow.
"Your eyesight is going with old age, this is my nicest ball gown." She whipped, lighting another cigarette to try and occupy her slightly shaking hands.
"Don't know how anyone could miss that hair in a crowd." He sighed. Something in his eyes was boring through her, making her already aching stomach twist harder, her free hand balled in her pocket.
"What's it to you, anyway?" She bit, twirling the cigarette between her lips in annoyance.
"I guess you're right." He nodded, "I should just mind my own business and let my students avoid and ignore each other. Sounds like a great plan."
"Sounds like it isn't your problem."
"You know, Sakura." He stopped, the breeze catching his spiky hair as she turned to meet his gaze, her mouth twisted into a hard line around the still burning cigarette.
"Your maturity used to help keep the team together. Kept Naruto in check and kept Sasuke from getting too full of himself, I never imagined how difficult the three of you would have been if you were just as thick-headed as they were. Now it's clear that you guys would have just skulked off to sulk and cry to me when you wanted the other to know you were upset."
She threw her hands in the air, "What do you want me to do, Kakashi?" She screamed, ignoring the curious eyes of the few stragglers walking home from the bar or shop keeps closing up for the night.
"Should I just put my feelings aside for the sake of everyone else, like always? Just pretend like I'm fine and that none of this ever happened, yeah? Maybe I should go and ask Naruto if he wants to get some ramen and patch things up so that every time I look at him I can remember this shit. Maybe I should go invite them both to my house for tea and fucking cookies so I can look at them and remember why I feel like this."
She was breathing in short, ragged breaths now. Her eyes tinged red with tears and the cold air as she stood, arms up, and stared at Kakashi. His face contorted in something akin to sympathy, shock and exasperation.
"Well, what is it you want me to do?" She repeated, eyes scouring, scrutinizing the man. Daring him to answer her. To say something, anything.
He took a step forward, reaching out to her. She slapped his hand away, feeling the sudden urge to scratch and bite and kick and scream.
"That's what I thought." She whispered.
As she turned her back to leave, he didn't follow her. He simply stood where she'd left him, watching her disappear into the crowd. He couldn't find it in himself to hold this against her, he knew she was speaking out of hurt. It was just… fuck. In that moment of her raw emotion, it felt like team seven was once again, just another pipe dream.
She pushed her way home, feet heavy and chest feeling raw. Every step felt like it was reverberating through her body. Her face stung, she wasn't sure if it was from the cold or her tears, probably a mix of the two.
The transition from the dimly lit streets to her apartment was a blur. Be it a blur induced by rage, or confusion, maybe a little from the glass of sake she'd had not long ago, but something had doubled her vision. She wanted to triple it. To fall into her bed with a bottle of sake and a medical scroll, she wanted, as always, to fucking bury it. To ignore it, to make it at least a tolerable ache she'd only feel in the late hours of the night but right now, on this night, there was nothing to quell it.
She climbed the steps to her apartment, the familiar dusty smell of old wallpaper greeting her as she shakily unlocked her door, sucking annoyed breaths through her teeth as she stumbled into the dark space and dropped her coat on the floor beside her, sinking onto the cool wooden floor.
She brought her knees to her chest, an old habit she sank back into when stressed, in that moment she felt like she was the same little girl with butchered hair and teary eyes, the girl she was before she met Ino.
The tears didn't come, but she found it harder to catch her breath as the seconds passed. Silence and darkness clothed her, cloaked her, she felt like she was sinking back into it. Whatever was holding her together was growing thinner and thinner, it felt like trying to hold water in her hands, perpetually slipping from between her fingers.
She raked a hand through her hair, ripping out a few strands in the process. She took a long glance at her watch, unable to see the dial from the glare of moonlight illuminating the face, but she didn't have were home now, probably actively fucking in the home of the former fourth hokage.
A soft tap at the glass doors near her balcony drew her out of her musings, picturing little dark haired and blue-eyed menaces running around the village streets, as she loudly cursed and pushed away from the wall with a little more force than intended, hand bursting through the plaster.
A string of curses erupted from her lips as she pushed her way to the door, shaking the powder white dust from her hand as she pushed back the curtain and cursed louder. Promptly shoving it back into place and falling down onto her couch, grumbling as the door slid open. She fanned a hand over her eyes, hissing at the pain that resided there. She wondered when the last time she didn't have a tension headache was and sincerely couldn't remember.
"These clothes are impractical."
"I agree." She muttered, feeling the couch dip near her feet as Sai plopped down beside her, through her fingers she could see him silently mussing with the bowtie at his throat, mouth in a tight line as pale, thin fingers pulled it free of it's tight knot.
"Did you come to scold me too? I'm afraid Kakashi already beat you to it." She sighed, allowing her feet to fall into his lap where the pale artist seemed to mindlessly trace the arch of her foot, humming an uneasy tune as his inky eyes scanned the dark room.
"Not particularly, though I think I probably should."
"Yeah. Thought so."
"But I won't." He assured, in his own way. The tune he was humming became more melodic in time and his thumb swept gentle circles around her ankle, she lent into the gentle touch, feeling her shoulders slowly relax into her couch cushions.
"How… was it?" Sakura asked, hesitantly. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know, but it felt wrong not to ask.
"It was… interesting? I've never attended a ceremony like that. I have heard of them, and I picked up a few books on the subject to prepare myself, but I still find it a strange concept."
"You'll have one someday, Sai." She chuckled, not much in the mood for joking but enjoying the company. Something painful still drifted below her words, and she knew he could tell it was there- but Sai was smarter than most credited him for, he'd keep his comments silent.
"Do you think so?" He hummed, the gentle circles he was rubbing into her ankle now traveled to the padding of her foot, a little harder than before. She closed her eyes at the feeling.
"If you meet the right person, yeah."
"I don't know if there is a right person for me."
"Me either, but I guess nobody really knows for sure."
"Did you…" He began, dark brows furring slightly as he seemed to focus his eyes somewhere in the blackness, mouth becoming a tight line as he seemed to slump slightly in his seat.
She knew the words that danced behind his lips, she'd heard them before. In those times, however, she thought she had an answer. Now that she looked back on her life, she supposed she always thought she had the answer.
"Do you want to find that person?" He questioned, leaning over slightly and resting his forehead against her hip. She could smell a light wash of cologne, and as she softly thumbed some of his dark tresses behind his ear, she felt her heart give an awful clench.
"I don't… I don't know." She breathed, "People… things… they change. I don't want to put my faith in someone and then wake up one day not recognizing them any more."
"Isn't change a good thing?" He asked against her shirt, his hand pressing softly against her hip.
"I don't know any more." She sighed, fingers brushing along her waist for a moment before Sai halted her motions, waving her pack of cigarettes freely with the hand not occupying her side. She gently pulled one from the back, softly rubbing the dip of his wrist in thanks as she lit it and laid back, it's orange glow illuminating his glossy hair. It cast a pretty color against his pale skin.
"I mean…" She breathed, "I tried to take a random anbu home tonight, just so I could feel something. I feel… cut off, does that make sense?"
"Mm. Which anbu?" Sai hummed, his breath warming the cloth barrier between them, making the flesh against her stomach feel taut and sensitive.
"I don't think I even asked his name." She laughed, dragging her fingers through his hair with her free hand.
"It's okay to be reckless… at times, I have learned." He yawned, drawing his legs up to lay them over the arm of the couch, his fingers brushing along her ribs.
"I think you've been around us too long, Sai. You're picking up bad habits." She laughed, letting him curl closer to her side.
"Maybe."
They laid silently for a long time, she listened to his breathing and traced small circles in his shoulders and scratched softly at the nape of his neck. The warmth and closeness was a welcome feeling right now, but did nothing to calm the pounding of her heart or the ache that only seemed to feel more dangerous than before.
If she weren't a medic she'd think she was having a heart attack.
She fell into an uneasy sleep around three, and woke up alone at four. It was still dark, but there was a warmth in her home that wasn't there before. Sai must have turned on the central heating before he left, the only proof of his impromptu visit being a crinkled bowtie lying at her feet. Even the curtains were moved back into place, undisturbed.
Her limbs ached from sleeping at an unusual angle and she heard various cracks as she stretched and sat up, hair mussed and feeling stiff. She checked her watch again, oddly expecting it to encite different feelings in her than before, it didn't.
She was still here, alone, in her dark apartment.
The walk to her bathroom was more a display of muscle memory than a test of her highly honed shinobi instincts as she shuffled around her medicine cabinet for a familiar bottle of her personal reserve of self-made medicine.
She popped a few tablets into her mouth, pulsing a bit of chakra through her system to allow the drugs to spread more effectively.
She made a decent back into the hall, her fingers dancing along the scratchy striped wallpaper, they pulsed with a comforting warmth, images of sunshine dancing over their surface filled her mind. As she walked into the kitchen, she could smell fresh-cut flowers and smell freshly brewed coffee, the slightly dusty and chemical scent of a book.
Her kitchen smelled of herbs and spices, and a light echo of laughter followed her through the entirety of the room. The familiar pulsing exuded a light she couldn't quite describe. She could feel soft brushes along her shoulders, a large hand running through her hair.
Her living room was bright and airy, filled with the springtime scents of Konoha, of wildflowers and maple. Sunshine tanned her skin and freckled her cheeks, her bare feet padded along the wooden floor, to a comfortable spot just within a large beam of sunlight, she sat there, curled up with something firmly held within her hands.
It was a red twine, she thumbed and tugged and gently slid it between her fingers as she followed it's length.
It stopped in blackness, her shabby couch facing her as she wrapped her fingers tightly around her shoulders, cursing at the small mound of snow spilling from her balcony door into her apartment, she kicked it out onto the balcony as she slammed the door into place.
The grey sky outside set everything in an ugly blur as she rubbed the chilled skin on her arms with numb fingers. She checked her watch again, it was half past noon.
She groaned, stiffly returning to the bathroom to see a familiar orange bottle sitting on the rim of her sink, lid popped off at sat beside it. She groaned, placing it back inside the medicine cabinet before climbing into her yellowing bathtub, shivering from the biting air as the pipes rattled within the wall, sloshing her with a striking splash of cold water before sputtering and humming with a much more satisfactory warmth.
The shower was over quickly and did little to soothe the vengeance of her migraine.
When she finally dressed and made it back into her kitchen for a cup of coffee it was nearly one o'clock. She lent onto her elbows at her kitchen counter, staring aimlessly at nothing as she sipped at her drink, the warmth hitting her stomach and helped to quell the nearly nonexistent chill from earlier.
She took a deep breath, reminding herself that she could do this. She could show up for her shift, look Tsunade in the eyes and tell her that it was her decision and that as her mentor she should support it, and do her job like she did every day.
This had become her morning ritual and it had worked thus far, hopefully it would be enough to at least get her through the workday without complaint. It had to.
A knock at her door- front door this time, probably not a guest, stiffened her shoulders and broke her concentration. She gently toweled at her damp hair and made her way to the door, nose scrunching slightly as she realized she couldn't sense a chakra presence on the other side of the door. So not an anbu with a summons to meet with the Hokage, was that a good thing?
"Yeah?" She questioned, opening the door just enough to see a haunting splash of yellow before promptly slamming it back into place.
Or, it would have slammed back into place, if not for the insistently wedged sandal now occupying space in her apartment. She could hear a pained hiss but was slightly pushed backwards by the surprising force of the man on the other side of the door.
"We need to talk." Was all his said as he strolled into her apartment, the door slammed behind him as he took up residence in the space between her dining room and living room. Suddenly she was met with a sea of blue and alarmingly jagged whisker marks.
"I want you out, Naruto." She whispered, green eyes definitely clashing against blue. She'd be damned if she was bullied in her own home. Not today, and not by him. Not now.
"I just don't understand." He growled, throwing his hands in the air as he paced around in the small space, gripping the back of one of her dining room chairs as he seemed to keel forward, long blonde hair falling in a disheveled heap around his face.
"Is something wrong with your ears? I said-"
"I'm serious, Sakura."
The sound of her name on his lips made a familiar warmth hit her eyes, already red and blurry with anger and pain as chakra unintentionally emassed at her fists.
"What did I do to you, Sakura?" He growled, throwing the chair onto its side and striding forward to stand before her, sucking air through his teeth as his chest gave violent heaves with his unstable breaths, "was it because I told you the truth, is this your version of a tantrum-"
"You can't be fucking serious." She snarled, standing on her heels as she grabbed a fistfull of that damnded orange jumpsuit, it twisted violently in her grip as she brought her face inches from his eyes wide and acidic as she glared, mouth curled with fury.
"You think this is a tantrum, Naruto? You think I'm just mad?"
He tore her hand away, but didn't budge, her wrist still firmly caught in his hand as he looked down at her. His eyes swam with genuine confusion and something that made her chest ache all over again- for probably a thousand different reasons.
"I told you, Sakura. I told you, we weren't together, you just decided one day that you had feelings for me. What was I supposed to do? Tear down what I finally built just because it was with someone else? What did you want me to do?"
Fat teardrops began slipping down her face and to the dip of her chin as she fell away from him, teeth practically chattering with anger as she tried to catch her breath.
"I just decided one day? Is that what you thought, Naruto?" She whispered, meeting his eyes for what she hoped would be the last time- for her sake. Maybe for his too, she didn't know.
He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off, a pained laugh filling the darkened space.
"You know, I always thought you were smarter than people took you for, maybe I was wrong. I loved you, Naruto. I didn't realize it until the day in that godforsaken village, when I told you I loved you- and maybe I didn't think it meant it at the time, but… I did. I never loved Sasuke, Naruto. Not like… he was my teammate, barely my friend, but someone I cared about. I was twelve and didn't know the fucking difference."
His mouth twisted into a tight line, opening slightly before she promptly cut him off again. Chest now wracked with laughter as she ran a shaking hand through her bubblegum locks.
"Honestly, I truly did. I loved you when I thought you were going to die in that crater with Pain, I loved you when I held your heart in my hand, I…" She was finding it harder to catch her breath as the words seemed to fall from her lips.
"I loved you." She whispered, "I loved you and I thought… I knew I was too late when you came back from that god damned mission- and I don't blame you for that. I don't blame you for your feelings. I can't."
"I…"
"I blame you for what you said though." She concluded, unable to see his face through the tears, it was probably for the best, "I didn't want to hear it, maybe I should have known, but I didn't need to hear it. If all your feelings for me ever were was another stepping stone to one-upping Sasuke, maybe you two are more alike than you think."
She didn't bother waiting for a response as she slid her coat around her shoulders, escaping through her own door. He could let himself out, he was familiar with the place, after all.
Silence coiled her around her even in the busy morning streets as she made her long-suffering trek to the hospital, eyes raw and nose bright red. When she entered the building, she could feel every stare like a bee sting. When she finally made it to her office on the third floor, she didn't even need to try and sense who would be waiting for her there.
As she collapsed into the older woman's ample chest, she sobbed in silence. A firm hand softly stroked her hair and back.
"I told that idiot it was a bad idea." She sighed, breath lacking it's usual morning edge, surprising for Tsunade.
"It's alright, Sakura." The older woman whispered, resting her chin atop her pupil's head, "It'll be alright. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now."
If there was one person who knew this, far better than Sakura ever could, it was Tsunade.