Some quotes are from episode 3x02.

Nell's guilt

Nell Jones arrived at the Mission when it was still dark outside wondering why she bothered going home at all since she didn't leave well after midnight the previous day. She was rather irritated with Hetty at the moment as it was her fault she was at work so early (if she were honest with herself she'd had admitted she would had arrived around that time regardless). When she had arrived home the previous day, a message in a black envelope was ominously waiting at her kitchen table. She didn't dare to wonder how it got there.

Miss Jones,

I need the sealed package that is to be opened in case of my death from the drawer. You know which one.

Hetty

With the note came the code (that Nell didn't really need) and the key for the drawer. Nell knew exactly which one. And it couldn't be open in the presence of the others. Or even when they were in the building.

Nell resented being summoned like this. Because it was not a request. Not really. Hetty was her boss in she didn't mind taking orders pertaining to her job. Or even her second temporary job. Although she also wouldn't mind easing up a bit on that. She was suddenly acting as technical analyst and operations manager. Well, the way she sees it, she's only doing things that Hunter, who is the official temporary operations manager, can't be bothered with.

However she knew anything in that drawer had nothing to do with work but everything to do with that debacle in Romania and everything to do with Callen. Seeing G. Callen written on that package confirmed her guilty fears and made her resentment for Hetty grow. She had been sending Nell on all kinds of Callen related errands. As if he felt this, he has taken to badgering Nell about things and she in turn did her best to avoid him. His pleading eyes tugged at her heart strings and she was always in danger of blabbing everything she knew (which wasn't much) to him.

She delivered the briefcase to Hetty and asked questions about when she's coming back to work. Her boss waved them off and either didn't notice Nell's increasing annoyance or simply refused to acknowledge it. It did nothing to placate her, when Hetty asked her to check on the Jaguar repairs. She wondered when she became a personal assistant on top of everything.

She's not easy to upset and she usually doesn't let things get to her but she was overworked and tired to the bone even before the start of her official work hours. She discovered early into the first week of Hetty's absence that 24 hours a day is not nearly enough time to do both of the jobs if she wants to cram in a few hours of sleep and a quick meal here and there.

By 9 A.M. when the rest of the team, except for Eric who has been at work for a couple of hours, finally arrived, she was operating on three cups of coffee (and she's a tea person!) having already analysed the data for their current case, reviewed a third of all personnel status records and to her immense annoyance discovered three out of four DTS's from their recently closed case were still missing from her desk.

Taking a deep breath she decided a little break is in order before remembering she was supposed to check on those Jaguar repairs. Deciding she might as well multitask, she put the headset on dialling the mechanic's number, grabbed some files that needed to be destroyed days ago and flew down the stairs. Seeing Callen and Sam heading towards her she almost changed direction but there was nowhere to go. She changed tactics instead, trying to appear busy which she actually was but they were relentless. She ended the conversation with the mechanic and turned to them, wearing a totally fake smile on her lips.

"Hi. You both owe me a DTS on your last trip."

For a moment they both looked like they are ready to start sprouting excuses and Nell celebrated a small victory. Her joy was short lived as they ignored her polite hint.

"What's the word on Hetty, Nell?" Now seriously frustrated with them, she recited what she had told them a thousand times before.

"Hetty is at home recuperating and expecting to return shortly." Her voice was as fake as her smile. She tried to flee them before her frustration with them became evident.

"You said the same thing last week."

"And the week before that." At that point she really just wanted to yell Go fuck yourselves! I don't know anything! But that is simply not Nell Jones. Besides she knew they're not the ones she's really angry with. And she felt guilty about Callen enough as it was without telling him to go straight to hell.

"Look, I can only tell you what I've been told! Trust me, no one wants her back here more than me. I've got three months of personnel status records to release, a room full of PII's that need to be declassified and destroyed, not to mention the quarterly training reviews that are about to become semi-annual if I don't finish them." Wow, when she said it out laud, it sounded even worse. "And just because you don't see her, it doesn't mean she is not here."

That ought to at least make them feel a bit sorry for her if nothing else.

All the good mood she may or may not have left vanished at the sight of Deeks' overflowing inbox.

"Well, looks like your inbox is about to reach critical mass, detective."

"I'm on top of it."

"Really? Because somewhere in this compost pile are several unfiled NAVCOM 2282 forms, along with your last two time cards. So, if you'd like to get paid somewhere in the near future, I suggest you start digging."

She wasn't planning on rounding on Deeks like that but his claims of being on top of it only darkened her already sinister disposition. She noticed Callen subtly glancing at his almost as full as Deeks' inbox but only spared him a meaningful look. She stopped herself from lecturing him too, when she remembered that package she left with Hetty only a few hours ago.

She returned then to her menial task of declassifying the PII's since she apparently was no longer needed at briefings. Of course, Hunter who was briefed by Nell herself would do a more accomplished job of briefing the others. Nell scoffed at never-ending pile of files that were officially Hunter's responsibility. She disliked the acting operations manager more and more. Not to mention she forbade Eric from whistling. And his whistling always, always made her smile. She kind of hated her at the moment. She then resisted the urge to pout but gave in figuring no one was there to see her anyway.

While pouring another cup of coffee that did nothing to wake her, only making her jittery, was when she accidently overheard Callen asking Eric about the laptop they found at Comescus. She stopped in her tracks knowing, and wishing she didn't, that he's never going to see that laptop he's been waiting for, for three months. She could see understanding dawn on him at Eric's confused What? and could practically feel his remaining trust in fairness of the world and goodness of people and faithfulness of Hetty dissipate in front of her very eyes.

In that moment Nell felt so, so tired. And so old. His blue, blue, blue eyes pierced her soul, making her short of breath. The expanding guilt spread through her chest like cold fire, squeezing her stomach, her throat, her heart. She felt hurt. She felt betrayed. She felt sad. And in that moment she kind of hated Hetty too.

She might have dissolved in helpless tears (but probably not) if not for the arrival of one Patricia Michaels from NSA. Cyber defence specialist? Really? Nell could do, what this Cyber defence specialist came to do, in her sleep. She was a multitasker like that. And since when it was okay to bring just anyone to the Mission?

Still fuming at the unfairness of doing a string of totally boring tasks, while her real work is in the incompetent hands of some dumb cow, she pointedly put the ballistics report in Callen's hands right in front of Hunter although she was specifically instructed to first report to her current boss.

Her satisfaction was short-term though as she was still far removed from the case, buried under the meaningless bureaucracy, while the team was out on the field, relying on a perfect stranger to lead them. Nell was used to being their eyes and ears. She trusted with this task no one save for herself and Eric. The current situation made her nervous.

She was so distracted watching Eric and that woman typing on the keyboards and watching the screens, she crashed directly into some people who had the time to stand around without hurry to get anywhere. She glared and picked up the files crankily without anyone offering a hand.

"Doesn't anyone here have any work to do?" She was muttering under her breath more to herself than with the intention of anyone hearing her but people were getting out of her way anyway.

When every computer in the house started beeping, announcing a cyber attack on DoD, Nell was on her sixth cup of coffee and it didn't look as if it was going to be her last either. She just about had enough of that day. The only thing keeping her from just going home and to hell with everybody and everything is the fact that she got a break in the case after deciding this case needs her expertise like it or not.

"You need to take a look at the accident footage."

"I'm sorry. We're a little busy here. We do not allow mailroom employees in our OPS centre."

The incredulous look on Nell's face masked the cold fury that consumed her. Had Hunter not stepped in at that exact moment, recognizing Nell's importance and her words value, Nell would have wringed Patricia Michaels' pretty little neck. For the time being, so she could explain what she discovered, she suppressed her murderous rage but she was by no means calm.

Nell Jones was angry. She was frustrated. She was pissed off beyond belief and she was making it known to the next person that breathed funny. Noticing the expression currently on her face, even the ever brave Agent G. Callen avoided facing her head-on, thus risking infuriating her further with his mere existence and chose the safer option of getting out of her way.

The first briefing of the team she gave that day and the field assignment managed to spin her focus on the task at hand, so she could control her varying emotions and gave her a feeling of accomplishment she had been craving since she got out of the bed at the break of the dawn. Still, she was in no way at ease, which may also have been the result of the ridiculous amount of coffee she consumed.

When Kensi invited them to a few beers, she seriously considered accepting an invitation and making good use of it. She deserved it after all. But then with Hunter's visit to the weapon's room, Callen's mood dropped. He stared after her longingly as if she's the answer to everything he wants and needs to know. Nell's heart broke a little as she watched him.

No, Hunter was not the one with the answers. But Nell knew who it was.

Her relative calm now all but ancient history, the anger, which was slowly growing through the day, expanded tenfold, exploding in her chest, burning every rational thought she had left. She was seeing red.

Callen left them, trying hard to appear as if everything was fine even as it was painstakingly clear to all that nothing was fine. She forgot all about that beer as she stormed off like a girl on a mission, snarling, actually snarling at anyone that got in her way. Passing a stunned Eric, who was as usually gazing at her adoringly, she did not even bother to offer a tight lipped pitying smile as was her accustomed response. She grabbed her things from the locker room and with perverse satisfaction slammed the front door behind her.

Only when she struggled to put her car key into the ignition she noticed her hands are shaking uncontrollably as a combined result of little to no sleep, lack of any real food, caffeine overload and her haywire emotions. Suddenly feeling lightheaded and sick to her stomach she rested her forehead on the stirring wheel. Her energy drained she wanted nothing but rest and maybe a glass of wine to render her unconscious.

But then as a sign from the universe she noticed the key of that blasted drawer still hanging around her neck. If it was possible the sight of it merely succeeded in making her madder than before. Gritting her teeth she ripped it off as if it all of a sudden burned her skin, and threw it on the passenger seat.

With renewed vigour she slammed the foot down on the gas pedal.

Things needed to be said and Nell Jones was going to say them.