Author Note: Welcome to the 'Beggy' ship! (Bucky x Peggy) - Don't judge!
This was based off an RP so apologies in advance for the shocking format of the way the story is written.
The portrayal of James 'Bucky' Barnes belongs to my friend - all credit to them.
The horrible portrayal of Peggy is by yours truly.
Part 1 of 2
She heard the static over the radio. The noise covered the shattering sound of her heart when Steve's voice was abruptly cut off.
And in that moment, in that second of a moment, she knew.
She lost him.
"Steve?" she whimpered into the two-way radio, begging for a miracle. But none came. "Steve?" she tried again but was met with just static. She couldn't breathe, she struggled to breathe, to hold back her tears, to be strong. But her world had come crashing down around her. She sat there, her heart open for everyone to see, and wept. Agent Carter; the woman not to be trifled with was now broken.
But, this was Agent Peggy Carter we are talking about here. Despite how her own world stopped, the rest of the world kept moving. And she needed to as well. She knew what she had to do, what her next duty was. It wasn't something she wanted to do herself, but she knew it would be better coming from her than from a complete stranger...
Taking a deep shuddering breath, She fixed herself up and walked out of that control room with her head held high. Colonel Phillips was waiting for her outside and she ignored the sympathetic look on his face. "I'd like to inform Sergeant Barnes before word gets out." she said, her voice wavered a little but there was determined strength behind it.
The Colonel lifted his hand to dismiss her. She didn't have to do this. He could easily send one of his men to spare her the pain of delivering the news to the best friend that was left behind. Agent Carter had endured enough pain for one day. "I'll get one of my men to do it." the Colonel offered.
Peggy shook her head, her lips quivered and her eyes watered but she stubbornly held back from breaking down again. "No." she simply said as she took a deep breath. "He deserves to hear it from someone who knew St-Steve ... of his worth." She explained, stammering on uttering Steve's name.
The Colonel looked at the strong woman he had known and come to admire working alongside slowly break down. Or, in her case, remaining strong. He sighed but agreed nonetheless. Despite being her superior, he knew it best not to argue with Peggy.
"I'll contact Dugan. See where they're at and have them meet at Headquarters when they get back."
Oh, that's right... They were still out on their mission...
Peggy had been so caught up in her sudden loss that she forgot the rest of the Howling Commandos were still out there. 'Please let them come home safely' She mentally prayed as she closed her watery eyes momentarily, putting a halt to any tears that were threatening to escape.
"I'll inform Howard." She said, grateful that Colonel Phillips had found it in his military-striven heart to allow her to, at the very least, handle things personally to those who were close to Steve. Neither of them deserved to hear of Steve's death over a radio announcement. It was heartless. And one thing she knew Steve wasn't; it was that - heartless. The man's heart was the complete opposite; pure gold. Something that had quickly charmed her long before he became 'Captain America', long before he took the serum.
With a small nod of confirmation from the Colonel, Peggy took her leave. He watched her leave with her head held high and a confidence in her walk as she was now determined to carry out her new mission. Looking at her from behind with her poised walk of confidence, one would never have guessed that she just lost the love her of life.
While waiting for word on the whereabouts of the Howling Commandos, Peggy easily tracked down Howard Stark down at Headquarters where she quietly delivered the news to him, telling him to keep it under wraps until she could speak to the Howling Commandos.
He agreed, but it didn't stop him from abruptly leaving to assemble a team together to look for Steve, and the tesseract too - as the Colonel still had the unfinished mission of looking for that foreign object. However, he didn't remind Peggy about it - he felt she had enough to do already with placing more burden upon her shoulders by informing the Howling Commandos of Steve's death; even though they weren't strictly family - but they were the only family Steve had.
"Agent Carter!" She heard her name being called and turned from staring at the map on the wall to see who had interrupted her thoughts. "Colonel Phillips is on the line."
Giving a nod, she followed whatever rank the officer was to the phones and picked up the receiver that was waiting for her.
"Agent Carter." she briskly said, keeping her voice set to military tone while she waited, not wanting to risk wearing her emotions on her sleeve for the other men to see and make them think she wasn't cut out to be a woman in the military.
"Carter. They're on their way. Should be there within an hour."
"Thank you, Colonel."
"Take care, Agent." The stern voice ended the call, even though he still remained distant and cold with her, it was evident he did have a soft spot for her, hence the reason he told her to 'take care' but still called her by her respected title.
Peggy waited. Painstakingly waited. Seconds ticked by what felt like hours. She was pacing up and down the floor of the headquarter building, almost wearing the floorboards out beneath her heels. She glanced at the time. 15 minutes until they arrived. Her nerves were beginning to get the better of her, she could feel her emotions starting to bubble up inside her as time began to tick by, drawing the inevitable nearer.
Sighing, though it came out rather shakily much to her annoyance, she decided to take a walk to help clear her head and reset her inner turmoil. Upon her walk around the block, up and down the street, and then around the block again, she caught a glimpse of a crowd of green. Her brown orbs rested on that particular crowd and she began to make out who it was. Dum Dum Dugan leading the Howling Commando's back home with Sargent Barnes by his side.
Seeing them in the distance, she paused in her stride as she felt the waves of emotions wash over her once more. Perhaps this was a mistake. To openly deliver the news to someone about Steve's death was making it all the more real, despite being the level-headed person that she was, she desperately wished this wasn't real. That it was all just a horrible dream. A nightmare that she would wake up from at any given moment. But no. The pain in her heart was far too real for it to be a dream. She was trapped in a living nightmare. Pressing a hand to her stomach, she clutched at the material of her uniformed jacket as a source of an anchor point as took a moment to collect herself. Grounding her emotions and blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill. She had no idea how Sergeant Barnes would take the news, and she already had her moment to grieve. She gave an unladylike sniff to clear her nose, blinked back the tears and gave a soft sigh as she squared her shoulders and presented herself in a more professional state.
She walked over to them, quickly calling out his name before Dugan could happily state how happy he was to see her. "Sergeant Barnes? Might I have a word in private?" It wasn't a question. The words strung together to form a question, but her tone gave it the authority of an order. Her voice steady, giving away no hint as to what burden she was currently bearing.
Something that Barnes had personally come to learn with time in the service (although that itself wasn't very long), was that getting called aside in private was never usually a good thing. What possibly could've gone wrong in the time that he'd been gone? They were winning the war, at least it felt as such. Especially with a super-soldier on the team now and HYDRA camps being taken down one by one. The Howling Commandos alongside Captain America viewed as an unstoppable team.
Joy painting his expression became wary just for a second, that being enough to paint worry. But then again, Steve's girl, Carter, was delivering the news. So it couldn't be that bad, right? They would've sent a messenger for something huge, right? That was another thing that Bucky came to learn as well. If someone could push the job onto another poor sap, they would. That included delivering bad news.
Exchanging glances between soldiers just long enough to give reassuring smile and a gentle nod of the head. Hiding any concern that had just crossed his expression just a second ago. Head swiveling back to meet Agent Carter's and another gentle nod to follow.
" 'Course, ma'am." Turning his attention back to the Howling Commando's, he excused himself with the promise of a regroup later, "I'll be right back then we all can go out for drinks." Chipper attitude, as always. Always seeming to smile even in worst of times - It was just part of who Barnes was.
Internally? He was panicking and trying to convince himself whatever he was about to be told or instructed to do, wouldn't be as bad as he anticipated. Raising a hand to push away stray chestnut strands of his own hair and a gesture of hand for the female to lead way.
Peggy waited patiently as Sergeant Barnes spoke briefly to his comrades in arms, a stab of pain hit her heart at seeing how happy they all were knowing she would be the one to bring down that happiness. And that shared drink of celebration would be turned into a drink of remembrance, or possibly into a night of drinking in mourning. Neither of which she could blame them. She, herself, would be in need of a whiskey. Or three.
Right now, however, she had a mission and it was her duty to the army, the country and to Steve, to carry it out.
Receiving the signal from Barnes that he was ready to follow her, she abruptly turned on her heels and lead them away from the group, further down the street.
No words were spoken between the two as she didn't bother with small-talk, afraid that her emotions would become the enemy in this particular war. Keeping quiet allowed her to regain her composure that was threatening to slip.
At that moment? Bucky could possibly drop. This was a moment he could breathe and take a break, not have to worry about bullets firing and lodging into his flesh and muscle. Something that didn't occur often in times like these. That's why he wanted to savor it, find joy in it, and even meet up with his best friend when he returned from his own mission and grab a drink with him.
Talk, make sure Steve was holding up alright. Keep him for any length of time that Peggy wasn't occupying. Nothing against her, he simply missed his practical brother, too.
Each lost in their own individual thoughts as Peggy led them further down the street before turning around a corner and leading them down a side street, where she then lead them into an abandoned building that had clearly seen better days. However, it would give them ample amount of privacy, especially if the Sargent acted out; she had wanted to spare him the humiliation of onlookers gawking at the scene.
Grief was very dangerous. She had watched her mother go through it, she - herself - went through it with losing her brother to the war. One might think she ought to be used to it. But no. It was still just as painful.
Some people broke down and cried, others acted out in anger or hostility - out for blood. An eye for an eye.
Of course, he always had the option to storm out - of which she would not follow.
"You got me in suspense here, ma'am. I didn't do somethin' wrong, right? Or are you assigning me elsewhere? Or better yet, sendin' me home? I already told you all, being held hostage at HYDRA hell, didn't make me any less capable. Don't wanna leave my country dangling if I can help it." Bucky was already filling the silence so his own thoughts wouldn't scream at him possibility after possibility of what their little meaning could mean.
He'd already been offered to go home if he wanted, given what HYDRA put Barnes through, but he, instead, chose to stay and fight. The option had been pressed a few times by Steve himself, but again, he neglected such. If Carter was here to lather the very same choice, he might very well have to punch something to try and make a point.
Now that they were here, she suddenly found herself at a loss of words. How on earth could she deliver such a thing so delicately? Does she begin with an explanation that led up to Steve's demise or just come right out and say it? How cruel and heartless the latter would be! But she certainly didn't want to start with 'I'm so sorry' because that was just utter poppycock in her mind. Especially when it came from errand boys who had no care over the person that had been killed.
She swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath as she ignored his ramblings and did her best to break the news to him as gently as she could without her breaking down herself. "Sergeant Barnes..." she started, hushing his ramblings with a frown. Her chest rising and falling with each heavy breath she took as her emotions welled up inside her and had no way to be released except through deep and steady breaths.
"Steve is ... dead." she softly said, almost choking on her words but she held back with a clear of her throat.
"He crashed the plane over the Arctic waters...sacrificing himself...Howard's out there looking for him...but..."
But they'll only be bringing back a dead body. Even with the serum inside Steve, he was still just as mortal as any other man and there was no way he'd be able to survive it.
"I'm so sorry" she whispered, tears welling up in her own eyes but she blinked them back. And she was, she was truly sorry for his loss. Because she felt the heart-wrenching pain as well.
She held her breath as she watched him closely, studying him. Trying to analyze what type of move he was going to make as he processed the information. She didn't know him well enough to predict his behavior. But she did know how important he was to Steve, how much Steve meant to him - which was why she chose to tell him personally than through a messenger boy.
Steve was...? No. No, that wasn't possible. That wasn't right. No, this was a cruel joke, probably organized by Stark for his sick kicks. That's what this was. Carter would start laughing any second and Bucky would be sour over such a cruel thing.
Seconds of a blank expression - Waiting. Waiting for that quirk of a smile and quiet laugh that would prove theory. It never came.
All of it seeking through Bucky's cracks, that his best friend, the very man he swore his life to protect, was gone. And he couldn't do a damn thing to rip him back from the claws of death itself. Steve was really gone.
Crystal blue eyes widened and pupils constricted. Crystal eyes robbed of any innocence the war itself hadn't yet touched and destroyed like it had anything else it came to contact with. The slivers of Barnes that remained from Hydra's destruction and the war's trauma was almost immediately crushed. Steve, of all people, was supposed to outlive this. Bucky was supposed to be the first one to go, that's how it always played out in his own head.
Bucky would die in the war, he wouldn't get to come home to Steve like he was supposed to. Someone would tear life away from Bucky before the impurity of the world touched Steve. That's how it was supposed to be. Hell, Steve wasn't even supposed to be here. Steve was supposed to be safe in their shared apartment. This was what Bucky had strived for years to prevent, just this. They poked and prodded at him like a lab rat and injected him with God knows what. That in itself was terrible enough. He found Redskull himself right after finding Bucky. That was even worse. Now he was dead.
What kind of cruel God would allow such a thing?
A breathy chuckle left quivering lips and a very visible uncomfortable smile painted his face. Dread completely enveloping him and his brain trying to process everything he just lost. His best friend was no more. Steve Rogers was no more. All because this stupid army, this stupid war, this stupid life couldn't just let him live as he deserved.
In peace.
And by Peace, Bucky didn't mean lodged in ice in the wreckage of a plane to die from the freezing cold alone by himself if the crash didn't kill him first.
Brow knitting and eyes quickly filling with tears that threatened to spill over. Shoulders dropping from where they were once tense and it was as if the sergeant's whole life just came shattering down around him. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Steve was supposed to live, that was the only thing that made Bucky happy about that serum. It would keep Steve alive. How could Stark do this? How could Carter let this happen? He didn't belong in war, Steve never belonged out here, but they let him out here anyway. There was a reason he was always declined a spot in the army. This was exactly why.
A whole collision of emotion overwhelmed Bucky. Anger. Sorrow. Loss. Grief. Pain.
"No.." A soft whisper at first, just barely audible. "No. No, you're lying. No. No, I'm gonna go back to my bunk, he's gonna come back, and everything is gonna be fine. Steve's fine. He's gonna come on back, he's gonna have that stupid-perfect smile, and everything will be fine."
Denial.
Peggy could do nothing except to watch helplessly as grief finally washed over his usually joyous features. The first tell-tale sign was his brows knitting together, followed by the drop of the hopeless smile he wore on his face, the sag of his shoulders as his body crumbled beneath the weight of the news. And if that wasn't anything to go by to someone who has a sharp eye like Peggy, then it was his watery glazed eyes that were still searching hers before they tore themselves off of her and began dancing back and forth, searching the room for answers.
She took a deep breath as his voice finally cut through the silence, denying it all. If it wasn't for the sound of his voice filling the air, it would have been the sound of her heart shattering further.
She didn't dare speak. She knew if she did, her voice would break, and then so would the dam, flooding her own features with tears again. And she couldn't be in such a state when Sergeant Barnes was teetering on the edge of one himself.
Hands lifted to entangle in his own chestnut tresses. Raking digits through and slicking disheveled hair back repeatedly, on the practical verge of ripping them out. Eyes wide and a weight heavy on his chest that left him panting. Struggling to fill aching lungs, desperate to fully fill. The weight of the world slammed down onto Bucky's broad shoulders and he was trying with all his strength not to crumble under it all. That seemed too much easier. To just let it kill him.
Streams of tears beginning to pour down his cheeks as the dam broke. A clenched jaw and teeth bared, pain crossing Bucky's face. Almost as if someone had just delved a blade into his chest - Except this hurt so much more.
Peggy silently continued to watch him, observe him, through gentle mournful eyes, remaining quiet until she felt the need to speak. Disrupting him might cause him to lash out at her, and she was hoping to avoid the violence and hostility that is known to come with grief.
But the pain that flooded the Sargent's face along with the tears, had caused Peggy to take a step forward closer to him.
" Please... Please, tell me you're fuckin' with me... Please, Peg, please.." Begging to be told this wasn't real. "Carter, PLEASE." A trembling voice - Bucky had never been so broken, not even in the clutches of HYDRA to which they tortured him and leaving him under the impression he'd never see the light of day.
What truly tore at her broken aching heart was hearing him call her 'Peg' as he pleaded. Begged. For anything but this. She knows this feeling too well. But for Sergeant Barnes to call her by her first name... It's never happened before. It was always 'ma'am', or 'Agent Carter'.
Only Steve had called her by her first name.
Of course, not that she minded, it was merely an observation.
It was personal to be on first name basis, and she understood how personal this situation was to the both of them. Their rankings and professional status be damned to hell!
"I'm so sorry. I'm so-" her breath caught in her throat as she whispered those words, "So sorry" she breathed as she stepped up to him and finally offered physical contact to him. She had given his space to breath but when he begged for this not to be true, pleaded with her name, she couldn't just stand idly by and let grief consume him.
She avoided using his name, mostly because she wasn't sure if 'Bucky' was something more personal to him with Steve and she didn't want to overstep that line so insensitively.
One hand reached out for his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze, allowing him to either push her away if he wasn't ready for the physical comfort, or to give her permission to pull him in close. Everything was screaming in her body to wrap her arms around him as though she could squeeze the pain away...
Confusion adding into the mixture of everything else that currently piled onto Bucky's heart. Questioning what he was supposed to do now - As it seemed to light at the end of the tunnel went dark; Leaving Barnes alone to be consumed by the ebony black. They could torture Bucky, hell, they could kill him, and it wouldn't be like this. His whole purpose was stripped off his backside, the whole reason he was here, gone with a snap of his fingers.
This was how nightmares played out. The only difference is by now, Barnes would've shot upright in a cold sweat and gasping only to discover the horrors weren't real. If he was asleep, it was time to wake up.
At that moment, he hadn't even taken into account how hard this must be for Peggy, too. All he could think about was his loss and his want to grab Steve by the hand and rip him back to life. Steve spent his whole life in pain, struggling to breathe, being overlooked and mistreated. And right when the universe gave him what he finally deserved? It ripped it away from him again - Only far worse this time.
Mind blanking out in a flurry, barely even able to register the agent's touch at first. Looking at her hand and falling still, narrowed eyes looking as if it were unreal. Senses overwhelmed and a need to destroy something surged through him. He wanted to be destructive, express the rage and sorrow burrowing deep inside. Scream his throat raw and cry until he passed out. That's what he wanted. But right now they were in the amidst of war and Bucky couldn't afford an outburst that might permanently falter him.
Instead, he swallowed it hardly while waterfalls still poured down his cheeks. Trying to push it all down, sit on the lid and pray it doesn't force open and explode.
All he could do instead was grab onto Carter's wrist. Give a sharp pull to the female - A rather rough touch for a woman when usually he was so delicate - and tug her inward. Closing the space between the both of them and linking arms around her tightly. Melting into a warm embrace and burying his head against her shoulder with pursed lips to try and keep his cries quiet. Instead pained noises stuck in his throat while his whole frame trembled like a leaf in harsh winds.
Peggy's eyes widened in slight fear the moment she felt his fingers wrap around her wrist. Oh no. She had provoked that grief-stricken violence within him. Something she had been trying to avoid. She knew Barnes wasn't the type to inflict violence upon women, but grief, as it's been stated, was a dangerous field.
However, she was taken by surprise when her body was pulled in towards his body rather than flush up against a wall from being pushed away with blame placed upon her.
Arms were frozen mid-air from being suddenly pulled into a hug. Perhaps it was the grief that delayed her otherwise sharp intellect when it came to gauging others reactions and reacting herself.
Upon feeling the weight of the broken man on her shoulders, clinging to her as though she were his only source of a lifeline, followed by sounds that tugged ever so painfully at her heartstrings making her gasp a sound that was a mix of sympathy and her own heartache showing through.
Her arms immediately came Sergeant Barnes's frame, one arm around his shoulders, clutching tightly at his uniform, balling the olive green material in her fist, the other hand entangling in the brown locks of his hair. Holding him securely to her; as though she feared that he, too, would be ripped from her so suddenly. She forced herself to keep breathing deeply, long slow breaths - otherwise, she would have broken down by now, especially at hearing the heartbreaking sounds coming from Barnes himself.
She couldn't afford to break down again. She had her moment to grieve and any other grieving could be done in her own privacy. She had to remain strong for Steve. Because she had to get his best friend through this. It wasn't fair on him if his only source of a lifeline was breaking down too. She had to be strong for Barnes.
And for the Howling Commandos.
Oh, she still had to deliver the news to the Howling Commandos. The mere thought of this sent another tidal wave of grief wash over her and she squeezed her eyes shut, letting her head drop to the Sergeant's shoulder as she quietly composed herself. The only audible sound she made was the faint shuddering of each breath she took, her lungs and chest constricting her from breathing properly as she pushed herself through the tidal wave of emotions.
In reality, Bucky wasn't sure whether the hug was for him or for her. He could see the pain in Carter's eyes though, see how much she was hurting but trying to hold together for everyone's sake. Especially her own. Chances are, she needed this just as much as the sergeant did.
A strange sensation clouding Bucky through all of this. In the mix of havoc and chaos, there was a form of calm in her presence. Stability. Clinging to her, it was as if the light Steve provided that was extinguished came back in gentle flickers. Redirecting Bucky's dance in the darkness and attempting to lead him back, to which Bucky desperately chased after.
She was calm in the storm, even if it was just the faintest of it. Bucky needed Peggy right now because even if they weren't well acquainted, they both loved Rogers more than the world could comprehend. She understood the storm inside.
She didn't speak. Not because she couldn't speak, but more so because there was just nothing that could be said.
What could she say?
'I'm sorry for your loss' would be her sounding like a broken record player.
'It's going to be okay'? because it wasn't. Barnes had just lost his childhood best friend, his brother-in-arms, and she lost someone she had love.
Once word got out, things might be different between the grieving pair. Blame placed upon her since Peggy Carter was the last person to speak to Steve. So far no one knew that she begged for him to not do this, she begged for him to let her get Howard on the line because he'll know what to do. But it was too late. The logical part of her knew this. But the grieving part of her should have listened to her gut feeling and call Howard. And of course, no one knew that she sat there and listened to the static that became the worst sound of death to ever ring in her ears. She had helplessly called out his name into nothing but static. So, supposedly it was her fault. How would Barnes react then? Word would eventually get out.
There were no words that could take the sting out of the pain, though he did appreciate Carter's prior efforts at an apology. This wasn't her fault, although Bucky did want someone to blame. And for a second or two there, he did find himself forcing that weight onto her - Only to yank it off shortly after. The only bone he had to pick with the female in his arms right then and there that she let Steve be injected with the god-awful serum. Wishing that she could've used her authority somehow and forced it all to stop. Let Steve simply be instead of dragging innocence into war only to be demolished like everything else.
It was wrong for the sergeant to blame her, he understood this. But in times like these, right there and then, he wanted someone to blame. He wanted to be angry at someone, lunge at someone and scream at them. Point the finger and watch them crush under the burden they were now forced to bear for taking away Steve Roger's life.
But he couldn't.
Bucky hadn't felt this exposed since he was a child. But here he was right then and there, clinging to a woman higher in power than he was and that barely knew him, sobbing and trembling like a child. A sense of selfishness washed over him. Carter was hurting, she had to be, and while she served as his rock right then and there for this all, Bucky wanted to do the same.
Taking a deep breath - Or atleast trying to. It took him a few tries to get a deep enough inhale to force the oxygen to rush through his lungs, but once he was able, his breathing slowly began to become controlled. Every second felt like hours dragging. The brunet was unsure how long they'd even been there; minutes, a half hour, he didn't know. All he knew was that the world came to a crashing halt and he wanted to make sure Carter was alright, too (although it was extremely evident she wasn't).
What was once quiet cries now was utilized to silence. Hands that gripped uniform bunched into fists slowly released. A tense form now falling into forced ease and faux strength. Pulling apart their forms just long enough for Slate eyes to meet chocolate and lips to pull into a hard line.
Having heard his painful cries quieten down, her arms still remained around his frame in their embrace, until she felt him pull away. Only then did she loosen her grip, letting her hand fall away from his locks, as well as releasing the material of his uniform that she balled up in her fist.
Her brown orbs immediately searched for his blue ones, worried about his emotional state, worried what was running through his mind. But she didn't have to ponder too much on that thought as he seemed to have answered her unasked question by apologizing. Her brows knitted upwards in empathy and the tears stung at her eyes that were desperate to be let out of the jar they were trapped in since she was refusing to open the lid and let them flow freely.
"I'm so sorry.." Now it was his turn to apologize, though it was unclear what he was uttering it for. A meek and hoarse voice spitting apology after apology. "M'so fuckin' sorry.."
Was he apologizing for his outburst? Maybe gripping her tightly by the wrist? No, he was apologizing for her loss as if he were the one who did it. That's where he could pivot blame, onto himself. If he was present with Rogers, maybe he could've prevented the loss of a hero. If Bucky were to perish, only a few would bat eyes. It wouldn't be such a tragic loss considering the only person Bucky ever had was Steve. It wouldn't have been so bad if Bucky died. But Steve? He was adored. He was loved. He was cherished.
Bucky could've found a way to protect him somehow. Instead, though, he failed. He failed Steve, he failed Carter, and he failed this whole country because he wasn't right there with Steve to protect him like he was born to do.
"I'm so sorry.." Another apology, eyes glassy and looking as if he might burst into tears again. Yet they never spilled over again, instead, profuse blinking forced them back. Instead of pulling Carter again for selfish comfort, instead, he reiterated the hug differently. Pulling her head to his chest, and wanting to help the mourning agent find relief. Bottling it was unhealthy, it'd be her own undoing to keep it all held inside.
He did what he could, holding Peggy gently now in comparison to a moment ago when he clung to her for dear life. Heavy arm linked around her waist and held her to his chest, hand cupping the back of her head and finger intertwining with dark tresses. Leaving enough strength subsided so that if Carter were to deny embrace (which Barnes wouldn't hold against her), she could.
"I'm sorry.."
'Oh god... No. Don't do this to yourself, Barnes.' she thought to herself, unable to speak the words. Because if she did...it'd be her opening the lid to her feelings...and she couldn't...Not now. She had just regained her strength back. And she needed that strength for her next task on breaking the news to the Howling Commandos. It wouldn't be just one person she was dealing with. It would be eight men. Each reaction would be different. But it was nothing she couldn't handle. Or so she assumed.
Too caught up in her thoughts, she didn't register Bucky moving slightly closer to her, or her to him? She didn't know. She felt his arms wrap securely around her, pressing her against him. Not forcefully... it was...welcomed. Which was strange for Carter as she doesn't normally offer nor welcome the physical touch of another man unless they want to come face-to-face with either her fist or the barrel of a gun. Their choice.
But then again... this wasn't a normal situation to begin with either.
Nevertheless, her own arms wrapped around him in a more gentle embrace than when she had his uniform balled tightly in her fists. Her head resting against his chest where she could hear the rhythmic pump of his heart beat against his chest. It was a little erratic, but it was also understandable. Emotions were running high left, right, and center. "It's not your fault, Barnes. You mustn't think that." She murmured firmly - her voice surprisingly steady despite the thickness of emotions still evident but was clearly being hidden or forced down. Denied.
She didn't know him well enough or for very long, but she hazard a guess that he wasn't one to swear profanities around women - again, she could be wrong. But it was that particular apology that she immediately knew he was blaming himself. Which was why she dropped formalities, social class and ranking altogether. Right now, she couldn't give a damn who gave orders and who didn't, who knew Steve more and who didn't.
There would be no blame from her that Bucky had a lifetime of Steve whereas she had only begun her the start of her lifetime with him - only for it be torn from her.
Right now... they were just two broken souls missing one person together.
"You've been through so much, ma'am.. How you're not sheddin' a tear right now is beyond me. Either you're heartless or strong beyond belief." That last comment being a joke, of course. Peggy was far from heartless - Even with lack of interaction between two, Bucky could read that much from her. Chances were it was the exact opposite, actually. A heart too big for the body and a heart that didn't belong in war. Just like Steve. Yet that's where both ended up.
The thing about Peggy though, was that she was used to carrying more weight than she was supposed to. She grieved the loss of her brother for five minutes in privacy before pulling herself together in order to help get her parents through the loss of their child. It wasn't just about painful losses though, she had the burden of being a woman. Which meant that she had to repeatedly fight just to be seen before she had to fight even more to prove her capabilities. It was a man's world where a woman certainly didn't belong. But she was going to change that. Which meant squaring her shoulders and taking every bullet that penetrates her skin. Because with each bullet she took, it only made her that much more stronger.
Unfortunately, this particular set back was unraveling all that she had proven to herself and to others. However, her head was still held high in her grief. She refused to break down into hysterics just to give men the satisfaction that she clearly wasn't equipped to dealing with the death and destruction that came with war.
Barnes' attempt to lighten up the mood didn't go unnoticed. In fact, it brought a small smile upon her face and a small chuckle against his chest, especially at debating whether she was heartless or too strong for her own good. It's probably why her and Steve connected so well together; Both their hearts beat strong on both emotional and moral grounding.
Now... Only one heart was beating instead of two.
"I'll tell the commandos, alright..? You don't gotta do nothin' else, ma'am.. I'll take care of it." Soft reassurance in a broken tone.
She sighed softly at the mention of the Howling Commandos. No. She had to do this. She couldn't pass that burden on to Barnes. Gently easing away from him, her brown orbs rested on a random spot on her skirt, "It's quite alright, Sergeant. I'm perfectly capable of telling them myself. They'll have questions that only I could provide them answers with."
She certainly hadn't meant to sound as condescending as she did, especially reverting back to calling him 'Sargent', establishing the ranking of authority between to the two. Of course, if he fought her on it, she would allow him to do so. She understood. It was the exact same thing with the Colonel - feeling it was her duty from the heart to be the one to break the news before it was done so coldly and cruelly through someone or something else (like a radio announcement).
It was as she said, they might have questions of what happened, how it came about. The closure was the least she could provide for them in means of comfort if they didn't choose to seek comfort from her. Dugan might; he always had a soft spot for Peggy. Not on a romantic scale, more of a platonic. But the rest... they'd either find comfort amongst themselves or at the bottom of a bottle - to which she couldn't blame them.
And it would be here that she would take her leave and allow them the privacy of their grieving.
Her brown eyes lifted to his, "You've been through enough." she explained in a half-hidden apology as her hand reached out and slender fingers wrapped around rougher, warmer ones, giving it a gentle squeeze.
At the end of the day, they had both lost someone dear... but her pain was only small compared to what Barnes would be feeling. Losing a childhood best friend, a brother... He didn't deserve to be suffering like this, and he certainly didn't deserve to go through it all again by delivering the news to the Howling Commandos.
Rejecting the offer of Barnes being the bearer of bad news, it brought a frown to highlight his expression. Watching her part and making no means of effort to close that space again. It was wrong to do such a thing - Even their current authority and situation aside. Never force something on another human being that was not consented or wanted. It was just one of the morals that Barnes stood by; it was something everyone should've stood by, actually.
Even if the others had questions that beckoned to be answered, she didn't have to do this on her own. If she wouldn't let the sergeant do it himself, the least she could permit was him to assist in doing such a thing. She was trying to take on tasks that were exceeding of strength limit, she was trying to hold everyone together and even herself. Taking care of her own being was hard enough, let alone anyone else that was close to Roger's.
A faint sniffle leaving Barnes, wiping his nose faintly and averting attention away from the Agent just long enough to try and pull himself back to senses; Peggy averting her own eyes turn, enabling him the privacy needed to compose himself. There'd be time later for him personally. After the war, there'd be time for him to lash out and release boiling turmoil. Not right now, not while Peggy was standing here carrying a heavy burden that would make the strongest men's knees buckle and bust. Bucky could at least split the weight and ease slim shoulders. Steve would never let him hear the end of it if Bucky let a lady handle such a task on her own.
Nothing sexist involved, no, it was instead manners, respect, having a heart.
"Ma'am, I... M'not usually one for arguing with orders, but just... At least lemme help. You don't gotta do this on your own, Carter.." Formalities returning, Bucky reaching out to clap a hand against her uniform-clad shoulder. A thumb gently rubbing into her left clavicle and giving her one of those similar buddy holds he'd give to his guys.
Maybe not the best approach, but still trying to take the steps to close the gap between authority right now. Carter was... well, she was known for her reputation of being a tad bit touchy at times. Hell, just give her a look the wrong way and she might bust your shins with her heels. A woman to be feared but in all the best ways and for the greater reasons.
Perhaps it was Barnes' gentle caress to clavicle that made it hard to say 'no' to him. She certainly didn't want Barnes to go through it all again, to have those feelings dredged right back up in a few minutes when delivering the news to the Commandos, to be the one responsible for wiping the smile of victory off their faces - only to be replaced with the worst pain imaginable; the pain of death.
At the same time, if she were to picture herself in that position... How would she fair? As strong as she was, even she had her breaking points. She would've delivered the news to them, answered any questions ... And then what? Grieve with them? Gone home and grieve by herself? The latter was rather dangerous. But her Mother and Father were all the way in England, and the one other person she could rely on was ... Gone.
"Alright." She managed a soft response with a smile that quivered slightly at wanting to break down again but she was clearly fighting the urge to. Knowing if she succumbed to her grief, it would be the end of her. At least for today. And she had one more task in front of her before she could open the gates to the dam within.
They would deliver the news to the Howling Commandos together. Or at least, Peggy would take the lead with Barnes backing her up, or stepping in on her behalf.
"You wanna join the boys n' I after this..? I'll get drinks tonight - Just... Ain't good for you to be alone right now. Don't gotta agree, ma'am. Never gonna force a hand on something you don't wanna do, even if you weren't higher in rank than me and could have my ass out of work for just lookin' at you the wrong way." Another added comment in an attempt to raise a mood that sunk so deep even the darkest depths of the ocean had lost it.
Barnes' voice pulled Peggy out of her thoughts, slightly taken aback at the sudden offer.
"I don't know Sargent. It's thoughtful of you to offer."
But she didn't know how the Howling Commandos will react to the news, and whether or not they would want her around... As illogical as that was to someone like Peggy, her grief was still just as strong as her own inner strength. Right now, the two turmoil storms were butting heads, making any logical sense become blurred.
Giving her a tired, half grin. One that was forced and fake but he was still trying none the less. Still trying to secure Carter like how Steve would've tried. If he were only here, he'd do such a better job... Thoughts coming to pause and brow knitting. If Steve were here, he'd thump Bucky in the back of the head for being so torn up. He'd laugh and eventually gain a hearty one out of Bucky, too.
Bottom lip beginning to quiver at the thought but quickly stabbing pins into that balloon. No. Focus, Bucky.
"Please...?"
Hearing the plead in his tone, she bit her bottom lip in thought. She didn't quite fancy going to the Stork Club to get drinks. Mostly due to the fact that there was a promise of a dance at the Stork Club; a dance that she'll never get. Entering the building would be opening the lid to her tightly concealed jar of grief.
At the same time, however, she also didn't want to leave Barnes in this state either. Especially under the influence of the Howling Commandos. In fact, the lot of them would need that woman's touch, that woman's supervision to stop them from doing anything stupid. Because they were boys, and boys had the tendency to do the most stupidest things sometimes. At least her being their, with the aid of her ranking too, she could keep them in line. But she'd only dare pull rank if she deems it necessary. Otherwise, she'll just be another grieving friend alongside them.
Sighing softly, she placed her hand on Barnes' forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze with her fingers before retracting her hand. "Alright. I'll be there." She didn't miss the quiver in his bottom lip when he almost begged for her to come.
It wasn't going to be easy, mentally or emotionally, but she'll just have to bite the bullet for Barnes' sake. It was the least she could do for him right now.
Letting out a shaky sigh at the inevitable they're both about to face, she tugged at her uniformed jacket and took a deep breath in, inhaling slowly before exhaling slowly. A few deep breaths was all she needed to reset herself. Lifting two perfectly manicured fingers to her eyes, she pressed them gently to the caruncle of her eyes, soaking up any remaining tears as she poised herself for the aftershocks of what follows the main shock.
She cleared her throat and swallowed; perhaps a little too loudly, before glancing over to Barnes. "Are you ready Sergeant Barnes?" She asked, her voice lilting a little with emotion, but otherwise remaining strong and steady. For now. Time will soon tell how it quickly it might all change.
A faint nod signaled that he was indeed ready to face this with her, not that he really wanted to do it, though. It was more along the lines of something that had to be done - There was no running from it. They could do it with one another though and make such a task easier. Bucky wouldn't have to struggle so much on his own - But there was no doubt he was going to try to get as wasted as possible before his head hit the pillow tonight.
"Honestly, ma'am, not at all. Much rather run from this one, between you n' I. But that's not really an option. We both got this, alright? I got you, even if you're not too keen on that, it'd be wrong to knowingly neglect your feelings right now.." Still, there was blame on Bucky. Silent guilt that would eat away at him. But for now, they were acquired with a task to be fulfilled.
Straightening up a small bit, adjusting his own uniform. Hands dragging across fabrics to push out the folds and then running fingers through his hair. One more good rub to his eyes, to his face, hide the tears that had spilled over not too long ago.
A deep breath, a deep exhale.
"Right... You good to go? You sure you can do somethin' like this, ma'am..? I know you feel like you gotta, but you don't... I just want you to know that."
The thought process of 'What would Steve do?' and making decisions that would be right by Steve, carry on his legacy and what Peggy aspired to be was the reason she had found herself in this situation.
But she wasn't alone. Barnes was right beside her. No doubt, doing the same... Ensuring that Steve's impact on their lives was not left in vain. That they carried on - hoping he'd be proud of them.
"Yes. Let's go." she said as Barnes seemed to have fully composed himself by now and was seemingly ready for their hardest task ahead of them.
Locating the Howling Commando's shouldn't be too hard... Just follow the sounds of merry men who were unknowingly about to get their hearts crushed.
Silence stretched between Carter and Barnes, except for the heavy footsteps of his boots and the click-clack of her heels. The silence was welcomed for Peggy though. She didn't want to fill the void with unnecessary small talk, nor did she want to risk losing their individual composures with what little strength they managed to scrape from the bottom of a dry well.
Most men would often raise gaze to a man above them; one who was strong, fearless, courageous. Though the only living soul that Barnes found himself looking up to as if they were mounted on a pillar was Carter right now. How she was able to keep herself held, how she was able to spare smiles and kindhearted tendency to assure everyone else was okay but attending to herself. It was something that Bucky found himself both admiring and fearing. Such an unhealthy thing to do, but a strength that only proved that the agent was truly a force to be reckoned with.
Under different circumstances, he'd praise her for such a thing. Barnes could often hold himself together properly, but right now? His knees had buckled and legs gave way beneath him. This woman had been present to break the fall, to physically and metaphorically hold him and all his broken pieces. Keep everything in place.
Bucky never thought less of Carter for sex - It just wasn't who he was. He'd be extremely honest, there were times where he preferred a man in charge, but only because there were knits in time where opposing sex applied strange. Like her coming into dorm one of the times Bucky overslept - Unfortunate Barnes in nothing but briefs and must rather wishing it'd been the colonel. Even if he did get his ear scolded off.
Though even minor incidents such as that aside, Bucky did hold respect for Peggy. Including outside work, of course. He didn't know her personally, but she'd been there during his basic training and held stern even with obnoxious and immature comments because of her originality and sex.
Point being, James did look up to Peggy.
That protective instinct settling in similar how to it would with Steve, wanting to pull her in and hold her until all the busted pieces melded back together. Keep her protected in place of Steve because it's what he would've done, just for her.
Of course he didn't do such a thing, instead continued to give her a faint reassuring smile and a slight nod of his cranium. It was going to be tough, all of this was. It was to be expected with loss, with mourning, with grief. But they didn't have to do it alone.
Brothers in arms, that was the military's motto, right?