The Movies Are Wrong. Here's What Really Happened…
By Jedi Potter
Disclaimer: I don't own any of
the characters or anything else from Star Wars.
Author's Note: I would just
like to say that I don't mean any disrespect to any of the characters in this story…
Luke Skywalker was actually not a Rebel. He was a full-fledged Imperial, helping his father, Darth Vader. So there was really no big rivalry between Luke and Vader. They were actually great buds. Except some times (all the time) Luke's whining got on Vader's nerves.
And that's where the beating started. Father beating son is never a good thing. Except this time the whiny little immature brat deserved it!
Oh, yeah, and that fight on Cloud City where Luke got his hand cut off…let's just say that Luke had been whining a little bit too much that day…
But besides the beating, they had a pretty good relationship. As good a relationship as an evil mastermind and a whiny little brat both trying to please their master, an old man with a lot of wrinkles, can have, that is.
But one day, Luke got tired of it. So he ran away…or at least he tried to. He tried to climb out of his window down a rope, but he forgot to tie the rope onto anything. Well, I bet you can guess what happened then…Splat! Not a pretty sight. Bacta treatment for 6 years, and he still never fully recovered.
But strangely, that incident brought them together…well, at least it brought Vader's lightsaber and Luke together…We'll just say that Vader taught Luke never to try to run away again.
But then one day Vader realized his error in beating Luke…he hadn't done it hard enough. So he went back to finish the job.
But Luke pleaded with him and said, "Please, can I have one more meal before I die?"
And Vader, being the kind, gentle, caring guy that he is, said yes. So they went out and stopped at the second Death Star for a burger.
And when they were finished, Vader said, "Well, as long as we're here, let's go see the old man."
"We're going to see your dad?" Luke asked.
"No," said Vader in that what-are-you-stupid voice, "not my old man. The old man…the Emperor."
And so they went to see the Emperor in his private quarters. But the Emperor had a nasty surprise for them…his face! It was disgusting!
Upon seeing them, the Emperor said in his kind, gentle, grandfatherly voice, "Ahh, Vader and Luke. What brings you to my humble presence?"
Luke looked delighted. "You have presents for us? Where? Let me see them!"
"YOU IDIOT! I DIDN'T SAY 'PRESENTS,' I SAID 'PRESENCE!' GET A BETTER VOCABULARY!"
As the Emperor said this, Luke looked confused. "A better what?" he asked.
"VOCABULARY! V-O-C-A-B-U-L-A-R-Y!"
"Well sorry," Luke said in his most sarcastic voice. "You don't have to get all mad about it. Gosh, first my dad beating me and now you yelling at me. I don't know how much more of this I can take!"
The Emperor turned to Vader. "YOU BEAT THIS BOY? Excellent work! That's definitely a bonus in your salary."
"Yes, I was just getting ready to finish him off, but he asked if he could go out for one last meal. So I took him here for a burger."
"But we don't serve burgers."
"Then what was…aah, never mind." He paused for a second. "Hey, I just got a great idea. You can kill him using that electricity junk of yours. I love it when you do that. It's so cool!"
"Yeah, all right. Let's get on with it."
Luke was starting to panic. "You guys know you could never kill me…right?"
The Emperor had a look in his eye that seemed to say you'd-like-to-think-that-wouldn't-you.
But Luke stood tall and said, "Well, then, you leave me no choice. I'm going to have to use my super-whining power on you!"
The Emperor stared at him. "Your what?"
"You heard me. Now back off!"
The Emperor shook his head and raised his hands, preparing to shoot that cool electricity out of them.
"All right then. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, yeah, that's right. You won't be able to say anything after this." And in the most childish, immature voice he could think of (his normal voice) he let out a scream that pierced their eardrums.
Only stupid Luke forgot one thing. He wasn't protected from his super-whining power. And so he collapsed to the ground with them.
But it didn't stop then. At that moment, people all over the galaxy were dropping dead. Luke had forgotten to read the label on the box his super-whining power came in. It had said: "Warning: This is an all-destructive, suicidal weapon. Use with care."
THE END