Don't ya just love these Intruder Alert drills?
Hey, I'd rather close the blinds and shut off the lights and sit huddled on the floor than learn math problems, wouldn't you? These things are so ridiculous, though, seriously. You know why they started these intruder alerts? Columbine. Columbine fucked us all. And you know the intruders at Columbine? Columbine students. Any intruder would be a student who would KNOW about the drills, man. Like shutting the windows and flicking off the light's gonna fool ANYBODY, anyway. Except, I dunno, some elderly bitch.
Hey, grandmothers are hella shifty, man. Ya know I work at the grocery store, yeah? There's this one old lady that comes in with a stroller and a blanket over a bunch of balloons, and as she goes she pops the balloons, you know, and replaces them with food. So it's like we're not supposed to notice or think she's got a baby under there or something, except she does it EVERY WEEK and every week we say, "eh, lady, gonna pay for those groceries?" and she says she left her money at home and abandons the baby carriage. We've got, like, a storage room full of them. I shoved a bunch in front of rush hour traffic...
What?! It's not like they had babies in them!
Oh, you mean the old woman. Jesus, Stan, don't be such a socialist. These aren't sad little old ladies on welfare, they're hardened criminals. We have this 'nother grandma who'll buy huge ass bottles of vodka but hide steak in her purse. And this one that stole a checkbook and was wanted all over Park County for buying, like, 3000 dollars worth of food then reselling it to poor people.
... I can't believe that bitch of a math teacher just 'shushed' me.
I'm not YELLING. Ya know why she shushed me? Racism.
I KNOW I'm white, asshole. I mean everyone was talking, but since she told Token to be quiet, know she has to tell us all to be quiet so no one can call her out.
I'm totally serious. Token can back me up. Ey, Token?
That black asshole just flipped me off!
No, I DON'T see the "irony," Stan.
Oh, whatever. All my old friends turned into real douche bags over the summer. You think Token's bad? Token ain't nothing next to Jimmy... and Clyde went all straight edge. Dude, he does like, ti she or tai chi or whatever that shit's called. Hella drinks tea and meditates. It's the reason I'm stuck hanging out with you.
Ha, just kidding. You know I love you for your mind... specifically, the homework answers.
Yeah, yeah... hey, ya know what I would do if I were directing one of those generic high school movies? I'd cast a really fat chick as the "girl everyone wants," you know, the most popular chick, and all the jocks and popular crowd would just be played by the ugliest people I could find... and the movie would never address it, you know? Like irony and shit. I've got a thousand ideas like that, though none're as good as animals in hats... Oh, and if I were directing some action flick, I'd give the bad guy asthma. Imagine that, guy has to cut off mid diabolical laugh to fumble for his inhaler.
I'm not MOCKING your asthma. Well. Okay. Just a little.
God, how long is this Intruder Alert going to last? I mean, c'mon, we're hiding from a FAKE INTRUDER, dude. ... Ya know what this reminds me of? When they taught kids during the Cold War to hide under their desks in case of atomic bombs.
What are you talking about, my hand isn't on your thigh.
OH, you mean THAT hand? Why, I'm shocked. Just shocked! How did that happen?!
No, really. It must have developed a sentience of its own. I'm offended you'd call me a liar, Stanley Marsh.
Jesus, you're still hung up about Monday, aren't you? I APOLOGIZED, didn't I? What, was I just supposed to assume you weren't gay? Assuming makes an ass out of you and me, or some shit like that.
I AM keeping my voice down. Besides, no one's listening to us.
EY, quit fucking EAVESDROPPING, Clyde!
Oh no Stan, I'M not gay. I'm straight. Straight as a ruler. I'm just bendable. You know. Like a ruler. Here, look, here's a ruler, right? Ssssstraight. Now I'll just bend it here...
... just... gimmee a minute too...
... god damn... fucking thing...
Okay! So this ruler is made out of wood. But if it was made of out plastic, it would have totally bended. Bent?
What do ya MEAN, you lost me halfway through?! My metaphors are flawless. You just aren't listening to them right.
Hmm? My hand's still on your thigh? OH, will you look at that! I had no idea. No, really.