Fireworks

It was a common question that everyone asked. A conversation starter usually, one to engage the participants in a friendly talk before they all moved on to something else. And, Ethan supposed, it was New Year's Eve. It was going to be asked.

But, when someone had approached him and casually said, "how's 2017 been for you?" all he could do was stutter out a "fine" and walk away awkwardly. He didn't miss the realisation cross their face - of just who they were asking and why his response has been so short and strange, but he didn't look back to hear an apology or anything they had to say. Instead, he took a seat in the corner of the pub, furthest away from the emergency department staff, to watch - detached - as the new year was welcomed in.

Really, the start of 2017 wasn't all half bad. Admittedly, he spent it next to his brother's girlfriend in his brother's girlfriend's bed after having sex with his brother's girlfriend. Cal was away, after stealing his research proposal, so Ethan had stormed off angrily to Alicia's house and ended up kissing her. Kissing his brother's girlfriend. It had been impulse at the time, the moment - as cliché as it was - seemed right and he went for what he had been wanting to do for almost half a year.

And then, as stupid and wrong as it was, Ethan slept with her, seeing in the new year by betraying his brother. He didn't hate Cal for going out with Alicia, not one bit. After all, Ethan wasn't trying to date her when Cal and Alicia first kissed. But he was going to try and make a move that very same minute he saw them both, at the other side of the pub. And that was what made him angry. He finally found the courage and it was too late.

What he did hate, however, was how pleased Cal was. How happy he was. It wasn't a bad thing to see Cal so love-struck - it was certainly a welcome sight after Taylor's deception - but he was love-struck with the girl Ethan wanted to be love-struck with. That ground him. He wasn't often jealous of Cal, but this was one exception. One huge exception that Ethan could never get over.

And then, of course, 2017 started with something Ethan shudders to think about. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but looking back it was a mistake. One big mistake.

He did try to tell Cal, the day he got back. He wanted to tell Cal, wanted to lay it all out in the open but Alicia jumped in and stopped it in its tracks. And then it became harder and harder to look at Cal and Alicia. The deception, the lies, the horrible guilt that swelled at the pit of his stomach. And then he couldn't stop lying.

Of course, Cal kissed someone in the pub. In front of Alicia. And looking back, it was so obvious that Cal knew that he and Alicia had slept together. On Charlie's stag do, everything Cal was doing, the aggressiveness and passive aggressiveness, all of it added up to him knowing. And the kiss, well that was obvious now. He was pushing away Alicia before he got pushed away himself.

And that stupid stag-do tattoo! He wanted to get it lasered off. The minute he saw it he knew he wanted it gone. But now, he can't bear to remove it. He's still holding onto anything that's left of Cal and the tattoo is one of them. Every time he looks at it his heart saddens, but he feels a strength. Cal's strength. He knows that the embodiment of Cal's strength isn't in a tattoo he got when he was too drunk to know what he was doing, but it was a nice thought and a nice reminder of Cal.

Then he later realised that his brother, his immature childish brother, will always come before a girl. Something he should have realised a long time ago but never truly valued it. After Alicia dumped him, Cal was staying out all night, calling in sick to work, coming home drunk. And so Ethan turned Alicia's offer of a drink down because Cal was more important to him and he needed to check on him, look after him like the brother he always thought he was and wanted to always be.

Too little too late, though. Because two months later…

But before that, Cal started gaining momentum in his career. Ethan teased him at first, along with Alicia, but he was internally proud of Cal, wanting to become a surgeon and setting out to complete it no matter what. He wished Cal had become a surgeon. Wished Sam hadn't stopped the surgical rotation. Maybe if it had happened sooner, maybe if Cal had gone he'd still be here.

Of course, it wasn't exactly plain sailing, but there were fewer downs and more ups in his life. In the shared life he led with his brother. The normal routines happened. Getting up. Having breakfast, Making tea or coffee. The simple things Ethan only values now because he doesn't have them anymore. A life with his big brother around the flat.

And then it all came to an abrupt stop on the day permanently etched in his mind: the 29th of April 2017. The day one of the last things his brother told him, face to face, was that life was too short. The day, only hours after that, the next time Ethan came face to face with him, was when his bloody, bruised, cut up body was lying dead in resus bay 4. Murdered by Scott Ellison. Murdered after protecting Ethan.

He'll never, ever forget that moment.

The next few weeks went by in a blur, he can't really remember them if he looks back. Some parts are clear, were mostly interactions with the police and otherwise random little things, but that period of his life is darkened and damaged and surrounded by death and grief and loss and heartache.

And he can still feel some of it now, but less so. He doesn't know whether that's good or whether it means he's moving on from the death of his only family left. He feels bad about it, feels bad about moving on. A part of him doesn't want to, but a part of him imagines Cal, imagines what he would say.

And he would tell him to get out there and live.

Of course, it didn't get any better for a long time. He wasn't sleeping well, he wasn't eating well and he wasn't functioning well. Having no-one charged with the murder was hard enough, but having the murderer keep turning up was even harder, especially when the police couldn't do anything.

He didn't know what happened to him and he will forever regret not helping Scott when he died, but he can convince himself enough that maybe it wasn't all bad. After all, good came from it. Not for Ethan, but other people. And maybe that's enough. Never to justify it, but to let Ethan have peace.

But, of course, his life didn't slow down there. Connie found him on the roof after he handed in his resignation. He wasn't purposefully up there to jump off, but it wasn't like he hadn't considered it after going up there to escape the ED. It was just another one of those passing thoughts that he had, except he deliberated on it more.

Studying for his consultant exams wasn't a bad idea from Connie, and a least it gave him something to focus on. A better reason to get up in the morning than just because he had to. A reason to find a schedule, to be productive, to work towards something. And he started to find his life be back on track. A light in the darkness, almost. Something to work towards, to achieve, to find success. Everything was better than it was. No girls, no immediate tragedy - still the sadness of his brother but getting better.

Obviously until Connie came to him about her heart patient who then turned out to be her. That flipped everything on its head. The struggle of keeping the secret and watching Connie destruct in front of him was not easy and the exams were becoming harder and harder to focus on. And when he went home every night his mind was bombarded with Cal and Connie and exams and just how hard it was to cope.

And then she nearly died. He was watching someone he came to consider a friend nearly die in resus - in the same place his brother died, in front of him - and had to sacrifice the one good thing that still remained. But Connie survived - just - and it didn't matter if she hated him, it didn't matter if that was over because she lived.

He didn't leave her bedside (except for work) until five days ago when she was discharged, and she didn't complain when he stayed before that. The one good thing – their friendship - was still intact and Connie was alive. Alive and pushing for him to regain some normality back instead of staying with her all the time.

He felt bad about seeing in the new year without Connie and felt awful that Cal wasn't here to see it in with him, but he was thinking about both of them and he hoped, wherever Cal was (despite Ethan not believing he could be anywhere) he was thinking about him too.

But even then, there's still that bit at the back of Ethan's mind that reminds him how disappointed Cal would be with him. For sleeping with Alicia behind him back, for hiding it from him, for pushing everyone away after his death and handling it so badly, for letting Scott die, for not telling anyone about Connie… there's still so much that Cal would hate him for and not much that Cal would love him for.

Apart from the consultancy exams, and even then he doesn't know whether he'll pass and become a consultant. Last time, when he and Cal both took it, they both failed. He always imagined they'd take it together again, and both pass together. Now he'll either fail or pass alone. Either disappoint Cal or give him a reason to love him.

Not that Ethan's ever needed a reason to love Cal, he always did, whatever he did. But he's got the rest of his life; he's going to give Cal reasons to love him back.

He glanced up at the clock that hung near the door of the pub. The second hand was coming up to the twelve, the minute hand striking 11:59 pm. One minute to midnight, one minute until an entirely new year, the first year in 32 without his big brother. It wasn't the first time he was celebrating the new year without him, but it was the first time when Cal wouldn't be celebrating the new year too. And that did hurt.

Charlie approached him just as the preliminary fireworks started to go off. The seconds were counting down, all the staff were getting ready to count down the final ten seconds. "So, Ethan," he said, "what's your new year's resolution?"

Ethan faintly smiled as he watched the seconds tick by on the clock. He knew the one thing that he was going to do, the one thing he was going to do for the rest of his life until he saw his big brother again. "I'm going to make Cal proud."

And somewhere, far far away from his little brother, Cal was being asked the same question as he sat with his family. With their family. He smiled as he looked down at Ethan, sat in the pub surrounded by friends, just as he was with family. "I'm going to protect him and love him. And I'm going to be proud of him."

Happy New Year, I hope you all have a good 2018!