Title:

Location: Incirlik, Turkey

Date: 12/32/2017

P O V: Sargent "Jaz" Khan

"Happy New Year!"

All around me people on our post were shouting & dancing in exuberant celebration through drunken songs, sloppy kisses, and cheesy greetings.

God I wanted to feel that happy that carefree coughing I leaned back against the rocks overlooking the vast massive ocean, pulling my jacket tighter. My eyes watered as I watched fathers spinning their daughters high up in the air as they squealed "Higher Daddy! Higher!" mothers throwing balls with their sons who all whined they were throwing like a girl. Even though it was nearly midnight the moonlight lite up the packed beach filled with over three thousand Soldiers. Many who had their families with them.

I felt the breeze of the ocean caress my check or was that tears? I couldn't be sure what I wouldn't give to change the hours of the hand. I would never have to hear those words uttered from Dr. Zoe's lips "You are Positive"

Only three words yet they held such damn power they left me feeling ashamed helpless powerless. I hated feeling this way. How could this happen to me? I've always been so careful so responsible how could one night really change it all?

The tiniest splashes let me know it was tears that I felt, wiping them away I cursed myself for being so weak. Pull yourself together Khan act like a Soldier not a wimp. Look around you everyone here has problems yet no one else is out here sitting alone on a pile of rocks crying feeling sorry for themselves.

Amir is kicking the ball with several of the kids laughing as he head butts a shot towards the end of the beach. McGuire is dancing with many women the blurry vision made it hard for me to see how many. A few of them are female Soldiers I want to shout to them warn them to be-careful because they'll get a reputation. It will follow them, it will destroy them.

I stay quite taking a long swig of my fifth or sixth beer Preach is setting up the fireworks show with the help of at least ten kids, some local some children of Soldiers. He is so good with kids it's a shame he is away from his kids. Adam is on the back of the pickup truck next to the radio blaring out Dick Clark's Rocking new Year Eve Party in Times Square I remember going to that party so many times growing up in New York City.

The dog is lying next to Adam looking at him like where's my food bitch? My eyes lock with his everything rushes back. I'm Positive those words don't just effect me, they change his life to now. I close my eyes my chest is so tight. I'll be banned from Active duty I'll be dishonorably discharged I'll be left to deal with these consequences alone he'll never leave, he's married to this damn job.

I should just jump I think looking over the edge as the waves crash against the rocks hard. Just like that girl from that play I can't remember names right now my mind is a foggy mess from the news, from the booze. He'd be better off that much I know.

My heart is beating so hard staring at his gorgeous face why couldn't something just go right for me for once? Adam is the man I have dreamed of since I was a kid he's smart, funny compassionate, tough, strong, unchauvinistic, he listens he respects, he never judges or rushes to opinion. He's perfect in short, I mean I know he's not really perfect he's human he has his faults we all do.

He's perfect for me however I love everything about him the way my small frame fits into the crock of his arm after we make love, how he kisses my head when he thinks I am asleep, how the sound of his voice reciting song lyrics of poems lure me to sleep.

Got No Direction, I'm spinning up, I'm spiraling down

I remember that Summer night how the moonlight glowed in your eyes

The heat wasn't from the summer fading sun, no it was passion so deep

A heist a hesitation of a first kiss

Sweet Bliss

No longer ignorant to the power of your lips

I can't fight it, I don't want to

I'm giving myself to you

I'm a willing fool for your magic heartbeats

Nothing I can do Nothing I wanna do

To Stop this free fall

I'm madly in love with you

His world will go on without me I love him so damn much it hurts, his eyes are full of laughter as he turns to hear whatever joke McGuire is telling so animated with his fingers. I get up slowly trying not to make too much noise so I don't alert anyone.

The waves are rising now high tide is coming perfect when I jump my body will be washed out to sea, no one will have to mourn me. I glance back one more time, I can see him so clearly his face freshly shaved after I complained his stubble was itching me when he was on top of me. One more act of selflessness a perfect example why someone like me didn't deserve him.

I love him I stare at the ocean the mist reminds me of that night in Paris when we stood on the The Port à l'Anglais Bridge overlooking the Seine river which glittered in the lights of the city looking magical peaceful dreamy almost, the first night he confessed his love to me, it seems so far away now. Closing my eyes I tried to capture that feeling back, it was raining, cold yet we were laughing over something, I don't remember what but that wasn't the important part. He was holding my hand, helping me so I didn't slip I was slightly tipsy not drunk just feeling good.

He held me closer as we walked the pedestrian pathway of the bridge the starlight guided us god it was so beautiful in Paris, I could picture myself living there one day, I spoke fluent French.

I must have been too quite for him because he wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we stopped to take in the view of the closet city. He pulled me closer asking me what I was thinking about, I was embarrassed but he made me feel so at ease.

I sit closer to the edge thinking about the conversation in my head I almost think I am imagining it. Why would Adam Dalton a Captain of one of the most Elite Armed Forces Special Units even give me the time of day?

"What are you thinking about babe?"

He called me babe okay so I might feel like a school girl with a crush, breathe Khan. I smile despite my tears as I remember.

"My future someday when I retire, I can see myself here living in Paris with my husband, will have two kids a girl, a boy and a cat, I'll have some mundane old job, which will bore me to tears, but I'll be with the man I love, he'll cook me breakfast in bed for no reason, he'll buy me roses just because, he'll tell me I am beautiful"

"My little girl I shall call her Cosette she will be beautiful with her father's wavy blond hair except hers shall be long, I will probably drive her nuts trying to comb it out"

"What does Cosette mean?"

"It's a female form of Nicholas it means Victorious people. Religion: Nicholas of Myra is a patron saint of children"

"I'm sure any little girl you have will be a saint"

"Oh your funny Adam"

"I think it's funny you see her with blond hair, so you already see your future husband?"

I remember blushing damn he caught me, I could barely look at him which seemed to amuse him because he lifted my chin with his finger on his right hand, pulling me closer with his left hand which was wrapped around my waist.

"I mean don't all girls have a picture in their mind?"

"I don't know Jaz I'm not a girl last I checked"

"No you are not for sure"

"So you've been checking me out?"

"No oh god Adam that's….

"Jaz it's okay" He laughed I was mortified his eyes glistened with amusement, forgiveness. "I have a confession, I've been checking you out to"

"Wait you have?"

"Yes"

"So uh do you like what you see?"

"Can I show you instead of telling you?"

I was so nervous how was he planning to show me? I nodded my permission closing my eyes hoping he wasn't going to throw me in the damn river, god he would be….softness like a baby's skin, delicate sweetness filled my dry cracked lips, oh god he was kissing me! I felt my knees shake ever so slightly my chest expand, open your damn lips Jaz make it something he wants to remember not the joke at the range. Closing my eyes I allowed myself to relax as my heart fluttered fast like a butterfly that has been trapped in the cocoon for too long.

His lips I can still feel them on my skin, in my mouth, his tongue rough yet thrilling my mouth with so many senses. Senses I have never felt or tasted before. In my whole life I have never felt that wanted that treasured, that loved or desired it wasn't about sex to him. He wanted to taste me take his time getting to know all of me.

My back slammed into the railing he lifted me up placing me on the edge of the railing holding me so tight the wind took my jacket for a ride the coat tails flying in the breeze, he never let go. I felt like Jack on the Titanic when he shouts he is the king of the world. I felt like Queen Khan of The Seine.

Now I stare down at this ocean it's not beautiful it's not magical it looks black scary like a witch's heart. Perfect for how I feel now getting up I don't care if anyone sees me. This isn't me I know it, I'm not the girl I once was.

I just don't know what to do now, I should tell him, he has the right to know, I can't. I can't say those words to him, I can't end his dream, I can't take away all that he's worked for just because of my fear, my needs.

Love isn't selfish it's forgiving Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

I'm positive of many things in life and right now I know my kind of love would kill him, he would stay with me out of obligation, responsibility, Adam didn't love me, sure he claims he dose, they all do it makes it sound better when they are on top of you. Real love though it's not something I deserve it's not something I have ever known.

Except my dreams, god my dreams are so sweet like a song, no real life is like a damn thunder storm, like this ocean I am almost in now, I close my eyes will it hurt? I hope it's quick, I don't do pain well. I glance back at Adam again, my eyes linger taking him in. He is gorgeous like a god, Oh shit he's seen me, he looks worried. Damn it Khan you messed up! Deep breathe it's now or never. Life has killed the sweet melody of a dream I dreamed. So now I kill life. Happy New Year I hope it's amazing to you Adam, I won't be here to see it.

Happy New Year #Bravers Hope it is good to you, 9 more days till our girl comes home. Thanks as always for the love, reviews, follows, favorites.