Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing Ruroken... Shocking, I know...

Like a Child

This was his last time playing with them, and it was... difficult. He wanted so badly to enjoy being here with them. But his mind rebelled against it. After seeing Katsura. After nearly dying. After killing the one he loved, the military corner of his mind was slowly taking root once again. He was planning his return to Kyoto, and he couldn't concentrate on the game, silly though it was.

The children noticed. They'd all chalked up his distraction as his wife "taking off" on him, so they were being a little more patient than usual. He hadn't the heart to tell them the truth. To let them know that their friend... the "old guy" who sold the medicines that had saved some lives in their small village, was, in fact, a murderer. That his wife had been his most recent victim. Just as he hadn't the heart, even in his troubled state of mind, to give up this one last day in his life of being the kind man who played with children. Who many of the townfolk actually seemed to have grown to like. He didn't really want to leave, even with the terrible memories of this place that he knew would always haunt him.

But he had no choice. He was Katsura's sword. Anyway, someone would find the bodies of those ninjas. He'd been unable to bury them in the frozen ground, and he had been forced to leave them in the snow. With his wife missing... with the obvious fresh wounds and scars he had that the children had only commented on in passing. With all of this, the men of the village would know what had happened. He would be worse than shunned. The sentence he would have gladly taken less than a year ago would be laid upon him. Only now he couldn't let that happen... he had a promise to keep. To Katsura... and to Tomoe...

"Old man! You aren't paying attention!" one of the younger children cried out to him for the third time. His voice was exasperated. Their tenuous patience was wearing thin. It had been the youngest who'd renamed him "old man on the mountain", a nickname which he'd accepted with some amusement. A sixteen-year-old elder... well he felt old most days. He was sure his eyes made him look older...

He smiled faintly... And that nickname made him think of his shishou...

Again the frustrated voice of the child, Hoji. This time accompanied by two or three other voices, and a tugging at his gi. "You can't play the demon right if you don't pay attention!"

The demon... He played that part all too well. He wished they'd chosen a different game today...

"I'm sorry," he said softly, a gentle, distant smile on his lips. "I'll try harder."

The little ones nodded and ran off, squealing as he finally chased after them. It had been strange at first acting so slow and clumsy for them. Letting them get away. Being sure he was always a handspan behind them. Just enough to make them feel like he was trying his hardest, and failing miserably. Always remembering to breathe hard after he stopped and feign exhaustion to give them time to catch their own breaths. But he had grown to love it. And he would miss this as well. He would miss all of this...

The children had collapsed into a giggling heap as he bent over, resting his hands on his knees, dropping his head, as he reminded himself again that he was supposed to look tired. He hid the half smile at his little deception behind his long, red bangs. Though this time it wasn't quite so difficult. His recent wounds slowed him. And playing this game hurt. He'd need to rebandange everything this evening.

It would be worth it.

He remembered learning how to act "normal" when Tomoe would come down to the village with him. The first time they'd played and he'd been a bit too fast. A bit too rough. The children had been nervous around him. So had she. Frightened for the children who unknowingly played with a hitokiri. He understood now, her terror that he would kill them as he had taken away her first love. The look in her eyes had reminded him that he really was a demon. And that to play with children, he had to pretend to be a man.

He'd learned. Slowly. And the children kept coming to him, even after that first day. He never knew why, but he was grateful. They made him feel human again, and he'd managed the charade so well that he'd almost fooled himself into believing it. For them... and, later, for her... He'd liked the idea of her seeing him as a man.

The smile faded...

He already missed her. So much...

A small hand was tugging at his gi once again. One of the older children. He'd been so distracted he hadn't noticed her approach. He was going to have to start shutting himself off again on the trip back to Kyoto. He couldn't be taken by surprise like that...

"Himura-san", she said respectfully, looking concerned.

Again, he forced the soldier to the back of his mind. "Yes, Kayoko-dono?" he'd asked, gently, turning to the only girl in the group. He'd started tacking on the "-dono" recently. Old fashioned respect and manners were highly valued in this small village. He'd been trusted much more quickly when they'd noticed how polite he was. Even better when he'd upped the honorifics. Oddly, he found that he liked saying things like "Kayoko-dono". It made him feel a little lower than them. Even the children. He liked this feeling of unimportance. It felt like a part of his childhood, living under the shadow of his demanding shishou. He found that being insignificant made him feel secure. If he lived through this hell... he intended to push it even further. He would transform himself entirely. No one would ever be able to see the demon again... If he could manage it, no one would even really see him...

"Himura-san?" she asked again. She was one of the older children, only just young enough still to be allowed to play with the boys. Young enough to trust him inexplicably. Old enough to notice the changes in him. And old enough to notice that he hadn't really been listening to her. His mind was wandering off on him. Shock, Katsura had warned him. At the time, Kenshin had responded respectfully to his commander and otherwise ignored the idea. Death had never affected him before.

But he was starting to think Katsura was right. His mind was not with him. And he was making this poor girl wait. Again.

He felt bad about that, and he forced himself to focus on her this time. Straightening and looking her in the eye. "I'm sorry, Kayoko-dono. I didn't mean to ignore you. Please repeat for me. I'm paying attention this time."

She looked worried. "Are you okay, Himura-san? You look sad today. And you're having trouble with the game." She paused, trying to find the right thing to say. "Roshi said that your wife left. I thought he was lying, because she scared him a little, but you seem different..." She trailed off, apparently remembering suddenly that their playmate was one of the grownups, and that she was supposed to show him more respect than that. They all forgot that sometimes when they were with him. He showed them more respect than they were used to. Certainly more than they'd ever expected when they'd first seen him. And he played better than anyone they knew. He was just like one of them. Only older. It was hard to remember not to talk to him like another child.

But he wasn't offended. He smiled at her. It wasn't convincing. "Roshi is right, but I'm fine. I'll be fine. Thank you, Kayoko-dono."

She nodded, appearing uncertain. But she only responded, "Of course, Himura-san. I didn't mean to bother you. You're just nice. I don't like to see you sad."

I'm nice...? His eyes softened. God, he would miss these children. "Thank you, Kayoko-dono. I appreciate that." More than you can ever know...

She nodded. "Are you going to leave us, then?"

He stiffened, surprised. Suspicion immediately aroused. Not at her, but at the adults of the village. "Why do you ask?" Did she know? Had she heard something? Old instincts and paranoia hit hard. His eyes narrowed. His expression hardened. Military thoughts snuck in. Had someone already found the bodies? Were people talking? If so, he'd have to leave now. He couldn't risk anyone following. Couldn't risk compromising Katsura.

His sharp change in demeanor made her gasp and take a step backward. Shakily, she replied, "I just thought... If you were all alone... I'm sorry." She tried to push aside her alarm at his sudden change, but it was difficult. If he had been any other grownup... "Are you sure you're all right, Himura-san?" She was nervous, but still worried for him. For some reason, she couldn't just stay afraid. Not of him.

He realized immediately that he'd been out of line, and was grateful, though concerned, for her trust. He managed to compose himself, forcing faded instincts to the back of his mind (Later... I'll hone them again later...) and brought himself back from the brink. If anyone here were suspicious of him, then the children would not be here. "I'm sorry, Kayoko-dono." He winced, imagining how he'd probably appeared. His expression softened. "I'm very sorry. You're right. I'm upset about everything. I'll be fine. But right now, I'm not... myself..."

She relaxed, still worried for him, but all of the fear had vanished. His explanation was good enough for her. "I hope you get better, soon, Himura-san."

He smiled again. "I do, too. And yes..." He sighed sadly, remembering her unanswered question. "I am leaving. Tomorrow. A... friend needs my help. I promised to go with him for awhile."

She brightened. "Oh, that's nice. Maybe he will cheer you up! Then you can come home and we can play again."

Home...

"I would like that, Kayoko-dono. Maybe one day..." But he knew he would never be able to return to Otsu.

Their time for talk was over. The little ones had finally caught their breath and no longer were able to contain their excitement over the strange collection of bugs they'd found that had been distracting them throughout Kenshin and Kayoko's discussion.

Overcome with the energy and excitement that only the very young can have, they rushed over to him, grabbing his hands and gi, pulling their friend over to look. And he had to laugh at their energy, helpless to do anything but join them.

He missed her terribly. But there would be time enough to torture himself later. For these last few precious moments before he became the demon again, Kenshin just wanted to be Kenshin. The Old Man. Himura-san. He paused in his thoughts. Even baka deshi, if that had still been possible. He wanted to be a child again, for the first real time. He wanted to be kind and loving and loved like they were. Like he was at this moment.

If he ever survived Bakumatsu... this is what he wanted to become...

Author's note: Thanks to lolo popoki and sueb262 for looking this over and convincing me that it was not meant for the rubbish bin! And, of course, thanks for reading!

Sirius