A/N: So this story was rattling around in my head while I was having a sad day. It is meant as a companion piece for "Reflections from Our Shared Bed" although it can be read as a stand alone. I apologize in advance. Like it? Hate it? Let me know. I appreciate your comments.

Emma sat down heavily on the stone bench. The cold from the seat felt good as it numbed her physically. She had been living with numbness for some time now. It seemed fitting.

Leaning forward, Emma put her elbows on her parted knees and studied earnestly the ground beneath her feet. Her long golden curls hung down like a curtain blocking her view of anything other than the sod. She'd taken time to curl her hair today. She wanted to look pretty… for her.

Emma had some things she needed to discuss with Regina, things she had wanted to say to her for some time. She had been working up the courage for months just to say them. Today was the closest she had ever come.

Sitting on the bench, Emma knew it was now or never. If she didn't say something today, she probably never would. Clearing her throat, she began.

"Hi."

She paused. This shouldn't be so awkward. She waited but there was only silence.

"Um. So, I've, uh… I've got some things I wanted to talk to you about. Stuff I really need to discuss with you."

Emma hesitated again. She wasn't sure she could say these things out loud but they needed to be said. Still searching the ground as if the answers were hidden there, Emma stretched her neck from side to side, trying to relieve some tension. Tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, Emma decided to start with something simple.

"So, um, Caroline is not happy about having to wear uniforms to school. I tried to tell her that was just the way things work in the school here. Every kid in Storybrooke wears them. I guess she gets her fashion sense from you and is dying to think that she will have to wear uniforms, as she says, for-ever Ma!" Emma chuckled seeing their daughter, exasperated, wrinkling her nose in distaste in a way that was entirely Regina.

"I tried to tell her what I thought you'd say. It makes school about learning and not about clothes. Education is important. There are plenty of ways to express individuality that do not include your outerwear. I guess I don't sound as confident as you. I have a hard time understanding why you spent so much money on clothes for her if she never wears them. Mom confessed Caroline has her convinced there needs to be a school board meeting about it. Little manipulator. She is so your daughter."

Emma paused again. She didn't know what she expected to hear. It just seemed right to pause and let someone respond. But no response came.

"So, I got Henry's final grades in the mail today. Our kid is smart, you know that right? He's a genius!" Emma couldn't suppress the swell of pride in her voice. "I can't believe it. That must be all you too. I certainly didn't do that good in school. Anyway, he's only got this one year left and our baby boy will be going out into the world. You'd be so proud of him."

Emma stopped talking then for several minutes before she was ready to resume speaking.

"Oh man! Did I tell you they're changing the menu at Granny's? Can you imagine that?! Same old menu for what, nearly four decades and all of a sudden Granny wants to change things up. She's got this wild hair to add… wait for it… sushi to the menu. Sushi! I think she's seen one too many episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives." Emma laughed heartily at the thought of Guy Fieri cruising through Storybrooke in his red Camaro. "Yeah. You don't have to worry. I'm definitely not gonna eat sushi at Granny's. I love the old gal, but no."

Another round of silence and finally Emma sat up straight, leaning against the back of the bench. Enough small talk, it was time to say what she came to say.

"So, I suppose you noticed I'm making small talk. I guess I'm nervous about why I'm here. But then, you probably know that. You always could read me better than anyone ever could. It's just, I'm not really looking forward to saying what's really on my mind, you know?"

Emma took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It was time.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you. Not at all. Did you ever just have something come up and you know, you think I'm gonna go tell so and so about this and you… you've got that one person that as soon as you hear some news or you have a concern or whatever you just automatically decide I'm gonna go talk to them. They will know what to do. They will know what to say. They'll be able to help me with this or encourage me or celebrate with me. Hey, maybe they can straighten me out and call me an idiot. Well, you'd call me an idiot…" Emma laughed nervously.

"See, that's the thing," Emma said looking straight ahead. "You're my go-to girl."

"You're the one who tells me… everything. You always just… fix it. Just fix it by being there, by being you. The way things are now," Emma paused, closing her eyes, dropping back down with elbows on knees. "The way things are now, I didn't feel like I could, you know, just come talk to you."

"To be honest, I didn't want to." With that revelation, Emma grunted out a sigh and looked forward again.

"Dammit Regina! This sucks. I don't know what the hell to tell Caroline about the stupid uniform. It's not working to just say what you would say. I just feel like I'm not doing a very good job. And Henry is feeling all guilty because he's not sure he wants to come back to Storybrooke or if he should take a job in the city. He's worried about what I think and about what you would say. And frankly it scares the hell out of me to think about him not coming home. I mean, I want him to spread his wings and grow but it terrifies me to think he'd stay away. Is he ready for that? And would he come back for you? Is it just me that isn't enough? I know, I know. That isn't fair. I suck at this."

Emma took a long steadying breath. She needed to calm down.

"I just love the kid, you know. I guess I still see him as that little boy at my door all those years ago, coming to bring me home to you. I understand now the fear you must've felt over me taking him from you. I get it now, I really do."

Emma sat back again against the back of the cold, stone bench. The breeze was cool but it was obvious spring was on its way. It wouldn't be long now until Regina's apple tree began to blossom.

"But mostly, I just miss you."

Emma reached up a hand to brush away a tear that had escaped her eyes.

"There. I said it. The truth is out now." Emma made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

"I feel so stupid saying it like this. I just miss you so much, Gina. So damn much."

Emma tried to control her voice, but the words sounded wet with emotion.

"I know there isn't one thing I can do about the way things are. Nothing I can say, no magic I can perform… this is just the way it is now. I get that. But that doesn't stop me from missing you, from wishing… from wanting things to be different.

It doesn't stop me from laying in our bed at night… thinking about you and how you'd laugh at my jokes and… and how you… you look in the morning when you first wake up, all grumpy until you get that first sip of your coffee and start to feel human again. I lay there thinking about how utterly 1950's housewife you look when I come in from work, walking around in that apron, baking something from scratch despite being the strongest feminist in town."

Emma felt a genuine smile imagining her. "Do you have any idea what a contradiction you are gliding around that kitchen in your standard mayor-wear power suit, looking all fierce in your Jimmy Choos and then the apron and the baking!" Emma laughed out loud now.

"Oh God, how I miss that." Emma's laugh turned suddenly into a sob.

"And how I miss you." Emma no longer tried to stop the tears. It was pointless. She cried with abandon. Besides, there was no one here to see, to watch, to judge her. So the tears just fell, wetting her face, dripping from her chin, soaking her shirt.

"I don't know what to do! I don't know how to be somebody's mom! Not like you did. I don't know how to take care of the house. I don't even know where you kept the bills. They almost cut off the power last week. And the town… it doesn't run itself. Nobody appreciated the work you were doing until it isn't getting done. And dammit, I miss you! It isn't supposed to be like this."

Emma's voice had gotten louder as she went on. Now it returned to a near whisper.

"I miss the sound of your voice. I miss the smell of your skin. I miss the way you scoot closer to me in the middle of the night, even though you're in deep sleep, just so you can feel me near. It wakes me up every time but… but I don't care. I'm sorta used to you now." Emma tried in vain not to imagine Regina's soft sigh of contentment that would follow her drawing close to Emma in her sleep.

"My mom keeps trying to tell me that it'll get easier and it'll get better and things will work out… and I call bull shit every time, man. What does she know about it? Psh… she quit talking to me about it because I lost it with her and told her you don't know what you're talking about! You can't possibly understand. You've never been through this. You might've been separated from your true love before but he's still kissing you good morning and snuggling you on movie night and helping you raise Neal… and Regina is never coming back!" Emma felt the color of rage bloom across her face just thinking about the exchange with her mother. They'd stopped talking about it after that.

Emma sighed again and scuffed the toe of her boot in the soil.

"This is terrible…"

Emma tried to change the subject for her own benefit.

"I wish I could go back, you know? If I could go back to that first night when I met you and just say what I was thinking when I saw you run out to meet us… You were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life. You took my breath away. I was glad Henry came and found me… well, until you turned into a total bitch and tried to kill me but..." Emma tried to laugh a little then.

"I guess we could've avoided a lot of pain if we had started out on the right foot. But even if it had to go bad and there had to be all that drama to move us into a place where we could love each other… I wouldn't have waited… I mean, after I knew I loved you, I wouldn't have waited so long to tell you. Now I wish I could have back that time. I would've told you. I wanted to enjoy every moment with you I could.

Because I love you.

I do. I love you so much. I love you more right now than I have ever loved you. And it hurts, Gina. It hurts so damn much."

Emma's voice was raspy now. She hadn't talked out loud this long since…

"But you know what? I don't have a clue what to do about it."

Emma closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. It was getting late and the first signs of dusk had begun.

"Well, I have to go now. But baby, I'll be back. I'm sorry I haven't been here sooner. Caroline wanted to come every day after… but I just couldn't. Mom brought her but I couldn't. I'll do better baby. I promise.

I won't let her forget you. I won't let her forget… because I never will."

Emma stood up from the stone bench and laid a purple and white orchid atop Regina's headstone. Her finger grazed timidly across the unforgiving, cold granite.

"I love you baby. I'll be back and we'll talk again. Soon."