Hanna Marin is one of those people who remembers "firsts" well. She remembers every detail of them, from her first ice cream cone, up to each and every first time she tries on a new shade of lipstick. She has a mental list of all of these "firsts", and she ranks them in order of importance, to some degree, most nights before she falls asleep. Her most important memories usually involve Emily Fields, which is funny considering the first time she met Emily she definitely wasn't aware that there would also be a first time she kissed Emily.
Hanna couldn't think of anything better in the world than getting to date your best friend, but when the two of you are keeping it a secret, it doesn't seem so wonderful anymore. That's how Hanna and Emily decided to keep their relationship, though, so she had to learn to deal with it. It wasn't that they were afraid of people whispering about it behind their backs at school, it was that they refused to let A, or whoever, be able to hold this against them. This meant not even telling Spencer or Aria, and it also meant not telling Alison once she came back, and Hanna should have known that eventually it would get complicated.
...
But Hanna remembers the first time she kissed Emily, behind closed doors, blinds down, in a dark bedroom during a thunderstorm. She remembers the first time Emily says "I love you," but doesn't mean it in the just-friendly way anymore, while they are sitting on the dock at Spencer's lake house, completely alone. She remembers the first time they see Ali again, in the flesh, and the deep sense of dread that fills her when she sees the look that their old friend gives Emily.
...
"So you don't trust me?" Emily says, her tone a little harsher than before.
"I'm not saying that," Hanna responds.
"Then what are you saying? Because asking me not to spend time alone with Ali sure seems to imply that you don't."
"I'm sorry, I do trust you. It's her that I don't trust."
Hanna means what she says. She really does. She trusts the swimmer not to hurt her, not intentionally, but she really hopes that it isn't a mistake to give someone in her life that much trust ever again. Forgetting all of the history that comes with Emily and Alison isn't an option though, and she can't quite understand why Emily doesn't seem to get that.
"It shouldn't matter if you trust her, you should trust me enough to handle the situation no matter what she does. Not that she would even try anything anyway," Emily continues, her voice just as heated as before.
"Can you really blame me for being worried, Em? I know what she meant to you. I know how you felt about her."
"She was our best friend. She IS our best friend. I'm not going to cut her out because of the past. Maybe you should start acting like a friend to her instead of getting jealous, that may actually solve a lot of your problems."
"Okay. Sorry," Hanna mumbles, tears threatening to fall. Emily sees this and her expression softens for the first time that day, but Hanna makes up a reason to go home and leaves before the brunette has the chance to say anything else.
...
Hanna remembers the first time she walks in on Emily and Alison. They aren't doing anything, it's not like that, but for Hanna it seems just as bad. She walks through the door and sees the two girls sitting next to each other, clearly in a deep conversation. Ali's hand is resting on Emily's knee. As soon as Hanna enters the room, Emily and Ali jump up and the look on Emily's face looks like pure guilt.
"Aria called," Hanna chokes out before looking down at her feet, trying to act like everything is fine. She knows that if she shows any emotion, Spencer will ask why she is so upset, and she cant lie to Spencer. Not anymore. Instead she swiftly goes back downstairs to "check the cell service". Emily won't look at her for the rest of the night.
...
Shana is pointing a gun at them and Hanna is just waiting for Emily to protect Ali, to throw herself in front of her or grab the girl's hand. When Emily puts herself in front of Hanna though, and reaches behind her to hold Hanna's side, she realizes it's the first time she's ever seen Emily gravitate to someone other than Alison, ever. It calms Hanna in a weird way, even though someone is threatening everyone she loves, Emily is protecting her and that's all she can think about.
...
The first time Hanna physically gets mistaken for Alison, they are at the funeral home and she cracks. She doesn't want to act like her, she doesn't want to look like her, she doesn't want any of it. She wonders if that's the only reason Emily is with her, because she was built to be some sort of Ali 2.0. The difference is that Alison was never in love with Emily, but Hanna is. She really, really is. But it doesn't seem like that's been enough lately. She wonders if it ever will be. Maybe they should tell people, she thinks, maybe she should admit that she's been dating Emily Fields for the past few months.
...
"What was it like to come out?"
"Where is this coming from?"
"I just never really asked you..."
Emily rolls her eyes and laughs. Not the nice laugh that makes Hanna feel like she's on top of the world, but the mean, mocking kind of laugh that she forgot Emily was even capable of.
"Why? Are you planning on coming out now?" Emily says without even trying to hide the sarcasm in her words.
"What if I am?" Hanna counters.
"Lets be real, Han. You like that no one knows about us. You're never going to end up with a girl."
"Excuse me? Who are you to decide that?"
Emily stops the car in front of the blonde's house and waves her hand dismissively.
"I've just been in this situation before. You're not gay. Just like Alison."
Her comment hits Hanna like a punch in the gut. She doesn't know what's worse, the fact that Emily is dismissing Hanna's very real feelings for her or the fact that she just compared her to Ali, and specifically, how Ali played with Emily's heart.
"Go to hell," Hanna says quietly before getting out of the passenger's seat, walking into the house, slamming the door behind her.
...
Blocking Emily's number is irrational, Hanna knows this, but she does it for the weekend anyway. She just wants Emily to reassure her that they are okay, that Alison isn't a threat. She just wants to hear Emily say it. She needs to hear Emily say it.
3 days after she blocks Emily's number she gets a text from Spencer.
"Em's been over at Ali's alone this morning for 2 hours and counting. I'm thinking they finally had the talk."
She realizes it's a group message when Aria's response comes through.
"Do you think she actually likes Emily?"
Hanna turns her phone off.
...
The first time Emily apologizes to Hanna is also the first time she buys her flowers.
"People might get suspicious if word gets out you brought flowers to my house," Hanna mutters when Emily walks into her bedroom, and she half expects Alison to follow.
"I'm sorry. I've been an ass and you don't deserve any of it," Emily says with such sincerity that the blonde's heart swells because she's missed this Emily so much over the past few weeks.
"It's okay..." Hanna starts but she is quickly cut off.
"It's not. Look I've practiced everything I want to say to you so just let me get it all out, okay?" Emily asks. Hanna nods, unsure of what is about to follow. She sits up on her bed and waits.
"I shouldn't have gotten mad at you for being concerned about me seeing Ali. I was being selfish. Alison was the first person who ever made me question myself. I mean she was the first girl that made me realize that I wasn't normal. I didn't have these intense crushes on boys."
Hanna's stomach drops. She promised not to interrupt, so she doesn't, but she has a pretty good idea of where this is going, and she just wants to pull the covers over her head and cry. Emily doesn't seem to notice the look of abandonment on the other girls face, and if she does, she continues anyways.
"After she went missing, I never had a chance to get closure with all of that, and when she showed back up, it was confusing. Trying to sort out all of my emotions was confusing. And so I lashed out at you and it wasn't right. I just didn't know how to handle it," Emily shakes her head.
"So you talked to her yesterday about all of this." Hanna mumbles, and it's more a statement than a question.
"I did. I got my closure. And then I realized that I was ridiculous for even needing it because I have you. And I love you. And I never have to second-guess you. And my life would not be as incredible as it is without you. Do you think you can ever forgive me for making you doubt that?"
Hanna smiles.
Emily's first apology makes Hanna's "Top 5 Firsts" list that night, and it stays there for a long, long time.