A/N: Dear Fandom, thank you for being absolutely insane. An out-of-season Christmas drabble for the Host Club. I haven't caught up in the manga yet, so I'm basing all my personalities off the anime.
NOTE: This is the beginning of a drabble collection from me. Most drabbles will be Twins/Haruhi-centric, but I will throw in some Host Club insanity (like this drabble) because, well, it's the Host Club. How can you not include them?
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, which is nothing to be proud of. Really.
Summary: In which Tamaki is in a festive mood and Haruhi, shockingly enough, is not. But that might just be because of the elf outfit. Stupidity ensues.
Word Count: 1, 181

01— the key to timing.

"Oh, Haruhi-kun looks so cute!" One girl squealed, hands clasped in front of her. "Just like an elf!"

"That's… kind of the point," Haruhi said blandly, fighting back a blush as she glowered at the twins from across the room. Hikaru smirked at her and Kaoru waggled his fingers in a mock wave before they launched into their act. Damn rich bastards. Always have to get their way…

"Do you not like your outfit?" Another girl asked, eyes wide. Haruhi leaned back slightly as the girl swooped towards her. Truth be told, the elf ensemble was probably the most comfortable outfit she'd ever been given in all her time with the Host Club. Of course, that was only because it was the one that covered least. Haruhi could only silently thank God that there had been tights thrown in, even if they were the most blinding shade of green she'd ever seen.

"Yes, Haruhi," Kyoya suddenly interrupted, seemingly appearing from out of nowhere. "Do you not enjoy the outfit that we were provided with for a small fee?"

He was getting that eerie look on his face again. Haruhi shook her head furiously as he pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Of course not, Shad— I mean, Kyoya-senpai. It's… great," she said tightly, staring daggers at the twins.

"Excellent," the taller boy replied, smiling superficially at the girls flocking him on either side. "Enjoy your time here at the Host Club, ladies."

One girl swooned as he walked away. "He's so dreamy!"

Haruhi choked on her tea and decided that everyone at Ouran was obviously insane.

At least it can't get any worse, she thought absently, as the girls sat back down again. I am already wearing this awful outfit, after all.

"Where's my little helper!?" Tamaki shouted from across the room. Haruhi groaned and slumped down further in her seat, hoping he wouldn't see her. This, of course, meant he saw her straight away.

"There you are!" The senior pushed his way through the crowd, dressed in a ridiculous red Santa suit, and pulled Haruhi to her feet. "Haruhi!" he beamed, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and turning her towards the crowd of girls that had formed. "It is your job as Santa's little helper to aid me in giving each lovely girl here the thing she desires most!"

Haruhi stared at Tamaki. "Eh?"

Tamaki's features brightened. Clutching Haruhi to his side as if she were a lifeline, he swept an arm out in front of him and announced, "Every girl here shall get the chance to enjoy our company for free once this semester!"

Haruhi's stomach dropped somewhere in the direction of the floor. "Our company, Senpai?"

Tamaki laughed. "Of course! It'll be a Christmas special! As Kaoru and Hikaru use one another to entertain, we shall use each other to entertain!" He crushed Haruhi to his chest and spun several times. "Won't that be fun?"

"Mother in Heaven."

As the excitement over Tamaki's announcement died down, a shadow loomed behind them. Both Haruhi and Tamaki glanced up in time to see Kyoya towering over them, looking rather displeased. "Tamaki," he said darkly, "we didn't discuss this."

"I'm sorry Mother," Tamaki apologized pitifully. "But, the goal of the Host Club is to make these girls so ecstatic they can do nothing but worship me!"

There are so many things wrong with that sentence, Haruhi mused, shaking her head. From the corner of her eye, she could see Hikaru and Kaoru heading straight for them, identical scowls on their faces.

"Why is Haruhi hosting with someone!?"

"Because you cannot separate the bonds of true love!" Tamaki shouted. A second later, he paled. "In a strictly Father-Daughter way! With hugs and platonic bonding and cute moments and family reunions!"

Haruhi didn't appear to have noticed his slip-up. And if she did, she didn't care. "Because I'm in Hell," she told the twins with a groan. They stopped staring at Tamaki and looked down at her instead, lower lips jutting out.

"Our poor toy," they drawled in unison.

"She should come host with us, instead," Kaoru suggested. "Threesomes are very taboo."

"As is incest," Tamaki ground out, glowering at the two redheads. "Which, if I recall, is exactly what you two are doing already, so why should Haruhi host with you?"

"Because," Hikaru elaborated, fingers trailing over the nape of Haruhi's neck. "Incest is taboo enough. But we're twins, and if we were in a threesome…" He trailed off, shooting Kyoya, who actually looked like he was considering their offer, a casual look. "Well, that would just be the biggest taboo of them all."

Tamaki coloured. "Mum!" he said without removing his glare from the twins. A few girls looked around, confused as to who he was referring to. "Help me! These hooligans are trying to take Haruhi away from me."

I wonder what I should cook for dinner, Haruhi thought absently as the twins both nuzzled her and argued with Tamaki. Nothing green, that's for sure.

She cast a quick look at Tamaki.

Or red. Definitely nothing red.

"Alright," Kyoya finally said, looking up at the three squabbling boys. "I've come to a conclusion as to what we should do."

"What!?"

"Nothing," was Kyoya's response. "Haruhi will continue hosting on her own. Tamaki, you will let each and every one of these girls here know that you are in fact, not going to be hosting with Haruhi, but that they still get one session free of charge."

"But, why can't Haruhi host with us?" The twins wailed, clutching at Haruhi pathetically. The brunette sighed.

"Because if he joins you, it may be," Kyoya's glasses glinted dangerously, "too taboo for our clients' tastes."

"Why can't Haruhi host with me then?" Tamaki sobbed, wrenching her away from the twins grip and into his chest. "It wouldn't be taboo!"

"Incest," the twins reminded him. Tamaki sobbed some more and hugged Haruhi tighter.

"Haruhi is immune to your, ah, feminine wiles," Kyoya said, poker faced. The twins snickered. "There would be no chemistry between you and there would therefore be no entertainment."

Haruhi wriggled free of Tamaki's grip and slunk back towards her table where the girl who'd asked her if she didn't like her outfit was still sitting, gaping at the scene before her. "I'm sorry," Haruhi sighed as Tamaki began running around frantically in search of her. "I hope we haven't scared you."

The girl shook her head wordlessly. Haruhi groaned as the twins joined Tamaki in his search. "I can't be that hard to spot," she muttered. "I'm the only person wearing green."

"What is Tamaki-san doing?" The girl finally asked, after a long pause, staring past Haruhi. Turning her head, the brunette found herself witnessing yet another one of Tamaki's finest moments.

"He's brooding."

"…in the corner?"

"It's the best place to grow mushrooms."

"Well that makes sense!" The girl said brightly. "Now, you were saying something about being a lawyer before Tamaki-san came over?"

Haruhi could only gawk at her. Insane, she decided. They're all absolutely insane.