A/N: Originally this was going to be a Bella/Jasper story. But I've been inspired to write a slash story after reading A Tangible Dichotomy by PerfectlyPersuasive and Lessons Learned by mistyhaze420.

The story deals with substance abuse, depression and suicide. If any of these things bother you, please don't read.

Say when you're alone

It's better 'cause nobody knows you

When no one's your friend

It's better 'cause nobody leaves you

So you turned your back

On a world that you could never have

'Cause your heart's been cracked

And everyone else's is goin' mad

But I hear voices

And I see colors

But I wish I felt nothing

Then it might be easy for me

Like it is for you

-I Wish I Felt Nothing by The Wallflowers-

Edward watched her as she walked away. He wanted to call to her, to make her stay. But he knew Tanya well. Once she made a decision she stuck with it. It didn't matter how much begging and pleading he did, and he'd done a lot, she wouldn't change her mind. She wouldn't be coming back no matter how much of a life they'd built together, how Edward's world revolved around her. Tanya was gone.

And it hurt. Slowly he made his way to the shower. He turned on the water and stood waiting for it to heart up. He didn't think it was possible for him to feel more broken then he already was. But apparently it was. He stared at the water streaming from the showerhead and wished he could cry. Maybe it would ease some of the hurt. But he hadn't been able to cry for years. Since long before Carlisle and Esme had adopted him. The only thing he felt was pain and emptiness until Tanya came along 4 years ago. She'd made him feel something. A good something. She made him feel like maybe he could finally put his past behind him.

But he should have known better. He was never good enough for Tanya. She could never love him because he just wasn't worth loving. It had taken her awhile to figure that out. But she had. He'd been waiting since the moment they met. But somehow it didn't make now any less painful.

Edward stepped under the steady stream of water, hoping it would release some of the tension in his neck and shoulders. Of course it didn't. It never did.

He closed his eyes as the water poured over him. With Tanya he felt like maybe, just maybe he was worth something to somebody. But he'd been wrong again. He was worthless. Just a nobody who didn't deserve to live and didn't deserve to be loved. So many times he'd thought about ending it all. He'd tried a few times and almost been successful once. But for whatever reason Carlisle and Esme were always there fighting for him to pull through.

Edward didn't quite understand why his adoptive parents hung onto him. Didn't they know their life would be so much easier without him around? That was why he talked Tanya into moving to Chicago with him. So that Esme and Carlisle could have their lives back. They were such good people, such nice people. They didn't deserve the burden he had placed on them.

At first they'd been unwillingly to let him go. But eventually he'd convinced them it would be best for them, for him.

He and Tanya had lasted exactly six months in Chicago. And now he was alone. He guessed that that was how he was supposed to be. He didn't warrant the kindness, the love of others. He just wasn't worth the effort.

Edward didn't know how long he stood in the shower, how long the water had been coming out icy cold. Nor did he care. He didn't have the strength or the energy to care.

Finally he turned off the shower and got out. He dried off and pulled his towel around his waist. He walked past the bedroom he and Tanya shared and went to the living room. It really wasn't much better. Everywhere in this apartment reminded him of what had been. He knew he'd have to get out of there soon. He couldn't stay. It hurt too

much to be reminded of his perfect Tanya. To be reminded that she had never loved him, that she never could.

He laid down on the couch and squeezed his eyes shut. Even though he had been expecting this moment, it still blind-sided him. Edward had thought things were going considerably well. That they had been pretty happy. He thought he was getting better. He'd have an occasional bad day, but most days he was able to stay in control of himself.

Today had been a relatively good day. He'd woken up and the pain was there, but it felt…not less, but further in the background. He'd reached into his bedside table drawer and pulled out the bottle of xanax that he kept hidden there. He opened them and then closed the bottle again, deciding he was going to try and make it through the day without them.

Tanya had seemed quiet at breakfast. Looking back he should have sensed something was wrong. But he hadn't. She said goodbye and left for work leaving Edward alone in their apartment. He didn't have a job right now, he wasn't really able to keep one. But he didn't really need one either. Esme and Carlisle kept his bank account full.

He went for a job and then came home to take a nap. It must have been a long nap because Edward woke up to see Tanya staring at him from across the room.

"Hey, baby," he greeted her, stretching. The look on her face scared him and made him wish that he had taken the pills that morning.

"I can't do this anymore, Edward."

He swallowed hard and then asked "Do what, baby?" trying his best to keep his voice casual.

"This!" she nearly shouted at him. "I can't stay here and pretend everything is alright. Everything is not all right. I love you, Edward, but you are not okay. And it's bringing me down. I can't stay here. I need to leave to save my sanity."

Edward heard "I can't stay here and pretend I love you, Edward. You are not okay. It's bringing me down. I can't stay here. I need to save my sanity."

That's when he began the begging. He begged and pleaded with her for the better part of an hour. He told her how much he needed her and that he didn't know if he'd be able to go on without her. But there was no changing her mind. And she left, giving him one last kiss on the forehead.

Now Edward laid on the couch wishing he'd taken every single one of those damn pills when he woke up. Then he would fell all right. He would feel nothing. He wished he felt nothing.

Those damn pills were calling to him now, like a siren. And at this point he didn't even bother resisting. He got up from the couch and went to his bedroom. He opened the bedside table and pulled out the bottle. He opened it and quickly poured the contents into his hand. There were about 30 xanax there.

He lifted his hand to his mouth and began swallowing pills. When he'd taken every pill he washed it down with half a bottle of whiskey and then he laid back on the bed and took a look around the room. Hopefully this would be the last time he'd ever have to see this room. Hopefully he would never have to feel again.

He closed his eyes and began to drift into unconsciousness.

A/N: Okay, so tell me if its worth continuing.