I'm Going Home
A cold wind blew in through the open window and curled around the curtains in Susan Pevensie's room. The chilly breeze caressed her silver hair like an invisible hand as she sat gazing out of the window into the starry night, with a book on her lap. It was a simple, leather bound book slightly covered with dust as if it hadn't been looked at for years. Her hands ached with age as she quickly opened the book and flipped the brown, old pages. Susan was looking for something: a picture she hadn't laid eyes on in years.
After flipping page after page she found the old photograph. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy smiled up at her as her tears rained on the book. All three were sitting on a bench with their suitcases between their feet, smiling and waving, forever frozen and unknowing. 1949 was the year. The year of the accident on the British Railways, and the year Susan lost them all forever: Her brothers, sisters, and friends.
"If only they had known," Susan muttered bitterly under her breath. "If only I had been there."
Susan wiped away her tears with fists; much like a child would, and then shut the book, tucked it between two others on a shelf, and sat on her soft bed. She handled the photograph with careful hands as if it could turn to dust if she held it too hard, then she placed it on the dresser next to her. Susan stared at it for seconds, minutes, hours…She couldn't tell. The sky outside turned pale gray like it does when dawn's approaching, but she couldn't be sure.
~*~
"Come on Su," Lucy pleaded "Professor Kirke and Aunt Polly invited all of us: Peter, Edmund, Eustace, Jill, you, me… Please? Come and talk about Narnia with us. And Aslan, we can talk about Aslan too."
"Narnia! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children," Susan replied as she put on some lipstick. "Lu, I'm late for that party I was invited to. Remember? The one I told you about weeks ago, and I don't have time for games."
"Games? Narnia wasn't a game; Aslan wasn't a game! You know that. Stop trying to be so grown-up!" Lucy cried, and stormed out of Susan's room, and house.
"Look, Su, we're leaving tomorrow," Peter put in, looking at his younger sister. "And we'd like for you to come—"
"You know where to find us if you change your mind. The train leaves at nine-thirty," Edmund interrupted, picking up his bag and opening the door. "Goodbye, Susan." He added, looking at his sister, who was putting her dark hair up with pins.
"Goodbye, Su." Peter said as both he and Edmund left to join Lucy outside.
~*~
Susan had fallen into an uneasy sleep, filled with dreams of dark figures lurking in a misty wood. The dark figures moved about quickly but quietly, and they called her name in whispers as soft as the rustling of leaves, and they stretched their shadow hands out to her. Everything in the wood looked threatening: a tree stump looked like a gnarled hand, a tree looked like a giant ready to strike, and the mist looked sinister and suffocating. Susan tried to run from the figures but she lost her way in the mist, and tripped on gnarled hands, and went in circles because the shadow hands wouldn't leave her. She sat down on the cool earth thinking she would never escape the shadow figures until she caught sight of a glimmer of silver light weaving between the trees further into the wood. A mix of hope and curiosity filled Susan, and she was tempted to follow the strange silver light. Then it occurred to her that if she did there might be no way of coming back, but all the same, everywhere the light appeared was cleared of the shadow figures.
She set out to follow the light as it went deeper and deeper into the wood. The twigs and leaves crunching beneath her feet made Susan jumpy, but there was no going back now. She'd never find her way as she had walked several hours and it was getting colder as the sky darkened. Susan noticed the silver light slowed as the trees became fewer, the shadow figures became quiet, and the trees became still. No one called her name once the silver light stopped moving. Susan hesitated for a few seconds before walking around the tree that shielded the silver light. It was Peter. Or at least some form of Peter; whether he was a ghost or a vision she knew not. He was wearing colorful clothes, but they somehow were dimmed by the glow of his crown, and he smiled and waved at Susan. With tears in her eyes Susan realized that he was the silver light that guided her to safety, out of those misty woods, and away from the shadows. How she would have liked to hug him and talk to him, but at the precise moment she took a step toward him the light began to grow stronger and golden. After just a few seconds Susan was blinded by the flashing light like a lonely boat would be blinded by the shimmering light of a lighthouse: a single ray of hope. Then a curious thing began to happen. Susan felt ticklish all over, and then as soon as it was gone she felt warm.
Aslan stood before her. He was as big, golden, and magnificent as she remembered. But Peter was gone. The Great Lion looked her in the eyes steadily and Susan felt both afraid and glad. He opened his mouth and blew. Susan felt as if she were home…in a dream from long ago, something talked about only in whispers with Lucy, Edmund, and Peter. Soft, warm wind blew through Susan's silver hair, and the trees, and all around her, but it seemed to blow Aslan away for he dissolved and was carried away along with a few stray leaves.
Susan stood in her white night gown in the quiet wood, unsure of what she was to do next. The stars and the moon, visible now that there were fewer trees, lit the ground around her, and were reflected by the river to the east. She was thirsty and tired, and despite her aching feet and strong desire to sleep, she decided to journey east. It would take half an hour at most, if she walked slowly. She walked on, weaving through trees, dodging low hanging branches that had the habit of hitting her face, and jumping roots of trees and tree stumps. She came across a sea of bluebells, but despite the dark, each flower was able to keep its color and shine brightly. It reminded Susan of a time from long ago, or perhaps a dream, where she walked with her brothers and sister through a wood with a pair of beavers. The flowers gave her a sense of happiness that she had felt before. She smiled though she had tears in her eyes. She walked further, through patches of moonlight into dark green thickets and out again into mossy glades, steadily nearing the river.
Susan arrived at the river and kneeled at the edge, but instead of a clear, mirror-like surface she found glittering water: like all the stars had shrunken, and fallen in the river. She was startled, but was tempted to try the water even if it was shimmering so much that she couldn't see herself. Then it occurred to her that it might be some sort of poisonous sparkle. She giggled at the thought, and scooped up some stars, and drank deeply. For a moment, Susan couldn't find her voice. The water…was not water, she thought, it was like I was drinking light. After much thought she decided it was liquid light what she tasted, and scooped up some more. When Susan no longer felt thirsty she picked herself up and headed north. Off in the distance, at the edge of a lake, stood a white stag that seemed to glow in the moonlight.
The White Stag stopped drinking from the river and it became clear as a watery mirror. It regarded Susan with observant, limpid eyes as she walked closer. Susan noticed it was a strong, yet fragile animal, with delicate, thin legs and a solemn look about him. The Stag looked as if it might run from Susan for a second, but remained still even as she came close enough to touch him. She vaguely remembered chasing after the Stag through Lantern Waste with her brothers and sister as Kings and Queens of Narnia: the capture of the White Stag meant receiving a wish. But then she remembered tumbling out of the wardrobe into the spare room in Professor Kirke's house in England. Susan held out a hesitant hand and touched the stag.
"I wish to go home," She whispered, looking into crystal eyes that searched her face. "Please,"
The Stag nodded at the river. Susan stood still, and the Stag nodded at the river again. It wanted her to get close to the blue, glassy water. She did. She kneeled, looked into the watery mirror, and found the reflection of the moon and the stars, then her own. Her skin was no longer wrinkly, and her hair no longer silver. She was, once again, Queen Susan the Gentle of Narnia. Her long brown hair hung loosely around her face, cascaded down her back, and was adorned by a circlet made of pure, white gold. Her azure eyes seemed brighter, deeper than the deepest ocean or purest sapphire. She smiled and saw pearly white teeth beam at her. Her night gown was replaced by a simple red dress, truer than any rose. She stood and white light filled the world. Nothing was visible but the incandescent light. It hurt Susan's eyes briefly for it was gone as fast as it had come, leaving the sun hanging up in the sky, almost as if it had been an instantaneous and brilliant sunrise.
The colors of the word shone brighter, and meant more than any she had ever seen in England. The richest purples, blues, reds, greens, pinks, and yellows were nothing compared to the ones donned by the trees and flowers. The sky was a silky mirrored image of the ocean, with little white boats of cloud floating in it. Tall oak trees were taller, and their leaves greener and the flowers that grew on them were an intense carnation. The birds were radiant and many more than she'd ever seen in her life: kingfishers, hummingbirds, bluebirds, cardinals, chickadees, chukars, Budgerigars… Lucy would have loved this, thought Susan while she watched squirrels run playfully, rabbits hop off to find food, salmon jumping in and out of the river, foxes waking to find food; all the animals that passed seemed to bow before her but they wouldn't say a word. Susan faced north, where the Stag stood watching her, and noticed that further there was a sturdy beaver's dam…Like Mr. Beaver and Mrs. Beaver's dam, close to the Western Woods…in Narnia.
Could it be that the Stag took her to Narnia, instead of England, when she said "home"? After all, the Stag hadn't been wrong: there was no other place that felt like home after the accident on the railways. Peter, Edmund, and Lucy carried Narnia in their hearts while they were in England, and, Susan figured, that she was able to get by on their memories even if she denied her own so, when they were gone, her heart was broken and she was no longer home. At least, that's what it felt like to her.
The White Stag walked over to Susan and settled down on the grass next to her. Susan smiled. "Thank you," she said to the Stag, as she sat leaning against him. She began to pick the grass blades and fiddle with them while she became sleepier, and sleepier.
Mr. Tumnus, Lucy's dear faun friend, entered her mind playing a merry tune on the flute, and Father Christmas' sleigh slid into her mind's eye. She saw the huge man before her, with a red robe, and a long, fluffy white beard. Susan remembered how she had felt glad and solemn at the very same time, making her stand still in his presence. She remembered as well how his booming voice called her name, and how she jumped. He handed her a bow and a quiver full of arrows and a little ivory horn, which reminded her of her old self, the greatest archer in Narnia, and the Gentle Queen. She laughed a little, picking another blade of grass and remembering how he served them all tea, and then had gone before they even noticed he had moved.
High King Peter the Magnificent, King Edmund the Just, and Queen Lucy the Valiant galloped on horses, chasing a White Stag. Susan saw them wave and smile at her, as she, too, was chasing the Stag. They wore brilliant clothes that flowed about them as they sped through the thickets, and crowns that shone like diamonds when they caught a tiny ray of sun. All this she remembered and missed. Susan did not want to sit around to wait so she stood and walked towards the beaver's dam as the Stag watched her.
Suddenly, the wood turned frosty white, as if the world was being tucked into bed by a sudden blanket of snow. The Kings and Queen galloped around a clump of big oak trees before the white engulfed them. Susan shrieked; they were gone, and she was left to an empty white world. It was neither cold nor hot, but Susan shivered as she squinted her eyes to see beyond the empty whiteness before her. She could hear her own shallow breathing, and horses galloping off in the distance… or just in her head, but she could see nothing but white.
Laughter floated in the air while she stood still, and her heart pounded as if she'd run from Lantern Waste to Dancing Law in just a matter of seconds. Two young boys walked through the sheets of white, between two strong horses, laughing at some private joke. Susan watched them come closer, and closer; she watched them turn from tiny figures into two twins, wearing colorful clothing like she did when she was Queen in Narnia, and crowns. They lacked swords, and the horses saddles. The twins stared at Susan for a few seconds, and then one smiled warmly at her and held out his hand. She gave hers.
"Queen Susan," said he as he kissed her hand. "Welcome,"
Susan found she could utter no words that would express her astonishment, and wonder: This young man before her was King Cor of Archenland. He looked like she remembered, but some how different. He looked older, and yet not; he looked wiser, and yet not; she could ever make up her mind about it afterwards. He looked like a King as he held his head high, and there was a certain glow about him. Next to him, identically impressive, stood Prince Corin, smiling and holding out his hand to her. He welcomed her as well, and kissed her hand like his brother had.
"Welcome to where?" she asked, hoping for a single word: Narnia.
Prince Corin smiled, and said, "We're glad to see you again, after so long."
"We wondered, after what King Peter said," added King Cor, but Susan interrupted.
"You've spoken to my brother?" The twins nodded. "Have you spoken to Edmund and Lucy, too?"
The twins nodded a second time. Ed…Lu…They're here! Susan thought, as hope bloomed in her heart like a flower would on a spring day. There might be a chance to talk to them once more, and tell them how she missed them on Christmas, during the summer, and when age took its toll on her, and left her in her lonely house with nothing but dusty pictures sitting on the dresser, hanging on the walls, hiding under pillows. Susan trembled with a quiet happiness, and she hoped Cor and Corin thought she shook from cold, though she knew by their curious, shining eyes that they suspected her reasons for trembling. King Cor placed a warm hand on Susan's shoulder.
"You will see them again. As long as you follow your guide," said Prince Corin. "Goodbye."
King Cor took back his hand, followed his brother as he walked away, and disappeared into the trees.
The trees were green again, the sun shone brightly, and the river ran wildly. It seemed that the snowy cover slid off the world to reveal all the colors of the nature, which, to Susan, looked brighter still. She was no longer afraid as she ran over to the Stag that watched her with careful eyes. She lay on her side, and watched a yellow rose bloom quicker than any flower should. As her breathing slowed, her eyes fluttered closed, and finally, sweet sleep graced her at last.