The One Where They Go On Safari

by Emzem

The friends are about to embark on a safari tour, but Joey has a disturbing secret... Crossover with Wild at Heart, the itv drama. You may not be familiar with the British WAH drama, but don't be put off as this story focuses mainly on the friends.

TOW they go to Leopard's Den

A/N: This is a Wild at Heart/Friends crossover. If you've never heard of wild at Heart, just think of it as a British tv drama based in Africa.

A/N: I don't own them.

Outside the 'Leopard's Den' safari Hotel, Rosie Trevanion was busy loading the jeep. It was a lucky week. Some American tourists had booked her for a Safari out to Serengeti; so for the first time in many weeks, there would be some money coming in. More importantly for her though, was the chance to convince her family and friends that she had learned all the skills needed, for working as a safari tour-guide.

She'd tried going "home" to England. She had almost gone mad with claustrophobia there, dreaming constantly of the great spaces and endless skies of her Africa. So she had come back, taken warmly to the 'Leopard's Den' jeep, and settled into a comfortable rut driving tourists out to take snaps of obliging and patient lions.

Rosie had finished loading the jerry-cans onto the jeep. She now had enough petrol to last her for a hundred safari rides and back. Not as many as twenty were needed exactly, but her father always had a strict policy on emergency rations. She felt well satisfied with her morning's work.

She was passing the heavy cans up, one by one, to Du Plessis, her friend, who was standing on the roof-rack.

"Where are you going, Rosie?"

"I'm taking some Americans out to Seronera. They're very rich, so I'd be obliged if you try and be polite for a change. We might get a fat tip then."

Du Plessis glared, "I'm always polite," he took a swig of his beer-bottle, "Especially to Americans. Americans have dollars."

Rosie's face split into a grin, "But we might have to stock up on the guest's wine, since you drank it all last week."

Du Plessis put on his most innocent eyes. "I never touched the guest's wine."

"Do you remember whathappened last week? You got so drunk, you started playing strip-poker with my friend?"

"Shestarted it," he pleadingly looked down his shirt, as he started to mumble, "Crazy English girl..."

"I don't think so," Rosie grinned, "I'm going to get the tourists now. Be nice!" She warned.

Somewhere at the back of the lodge, Joey Tribbiani was happily munching on a sandwich. He went there alone because he hadn't understood anything anyone was saying again, and therefore felt somewhat left out.

Suddenly he remembered what activity they had organised for the day.

Oh right, the safari!Joey thought. Hmm, now just a final recap on my animal knowldege. Let's see...That over there is a deer...Hey, it's the Trevanion's deer! They keep it as a pet. My knowledge is goooood! The 'deer' approaches him slowly, sniffing innocently at his sandwich. "Now whad'ya want, Bambi?" Gasps "Get off my pistrami!"Argh, it's onto me! "I'm warning you, I can pound the hell out of you, now stay back!"OK, that didn't work... "See this is the kind of behaviour that got your momma shot!" Oh-oh, now I've made it angry! "Get back!" Joey ran far enough until there was a safe distance between him and the animal. He looked around to notice he had outrun it. Phew, that was close! "Awww I dropped my sandwich!" He picked up a stick and began to beat the ground in fury. "Stupid animal, made me drop my sandwich."

"Joey!" A distant call. "The ride's starting, are you coming?" It was Monica, but he couldn't see her.

"COMING!" He replied. For a moment he had forgotten all about the animal that had chased him for his sandwich, and he threw the stick away into the grass.

"MAH!" There was a short bleating sound as the stick hit something in the grass.

"OH-NO!" Joey ran out to see what he had done, then he found the deer-animal lying in the grass.

"OHMYGOD, I killed the deer!" Stupid! First things first, there's no time to eat that now! I have to get to that safari thingy and pretend nothing happened...Just be cool, act and be cool...You did not just kill the Trevanion's family pet...OH MY GOD! Just calm down, it's in the long grass so no-one will see it. They'll just think it died of natural causes...Got to go to the safari thingy...

Du Plessis clumsily got down off the roof-rack. He thought it would be safer on the ground, because he could see his house beginning to blur.

Du Plessis had been thankful for the Trevanions. He finally had a whole new heir he could trust to his land. He had not thought of retiring this early, and even when the doctors diagnosed him with angina, he was still determined to work. It was only due to a recent accident, that he had decided he was too weak for hard labor. Secretly helping Rosie or Sarah every now and then, was his way of making up for his absence. Though it had not been long since he was still hard on the job himself, and leaving everything in the hands of others, had not been the easiest decision to make. He sighed heavily as he remembered.

"A fond farewell to all my greatness," he muttered into his beer-bottle. "Still it's not so bad I suppose." And he chuckled at the thought of the guest's wine. "Thank heavens for Rosie, anyway."

Almost on cue Rosie appeared in the doorway. She stepped outside, revealing behind her, a whole host of bewildered-looking faces.

Du Plessis stared at all six of them, "Ach, man!" He said astounded, "We've never had this many tourists."

Rosie signalled for the American's to follow her into the jeep. As she got into the driver's seat, she gave the Afrikaaner-man a stern glare. One last warning not to be rude.

First in line was Monica, "OK people, let's move it," She commanded the others, "and remember to sit in the order I was telling you." Her hair was tied back and concealed under a white cap, which she had on back to front. The humidity had made her hair look like a 70s afro, a regret she carried with her on all exotic vacations.

"But will there be enough seats for the six of us?" pondered Rachel. She peered over an expensive pair of designer sunglasses.

"Yes there are, Rachel," Monica continued, "I asked the lady earlier, and she said they'd give us a special 7-seater jeep."

Indeed it was a seven-seater jeep. Rented, for the rare occasion of "more than 4 guests".

Chandler sat in the jeep next to Monica. He looked tired from stress, and the rims of his eyes were red from sun-glare.

Phoebe came on third, followed by Ross.

"Hey, um. Who's going to sit in the front?" Asked Ross.

All the friends stared at him, grinning expectantly.

"Aww, man." Ross moaned, "Why did I have to mention it?" And he got in the front passenger's seat next to Rosie.

Hurriedly Rachel got to her seat, when she spotted a rather chafed woman, chasing Joey out of the hotel.

"I told you to stay out of the fridge," yelled Nomsa, "that steak filling was for the pies!"

"I couldn't help it, it kept staring at me." Joey hurried over to the jeep, hiding behind Chandler like a small child avoiding a whack from his nanny's rolling pin.

As Joey settled down in the jeep, it was clear he was wearing khaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and a wide-brimmed bush hat. He sat down, hunched in the weight of expensive, bulky binoculars and a Nikon camera.

"Why are you dressed like that?" Asked Chandler, emphasizing on the "Why"

Joey glanced confusedly in reply to the question, then he suddenly noticed how he was dressed, "Oh! Well, I remembered how people always laugh at the tourists, and they don't get taken seriously and stuff...so this time I decided to dress the way a normal person living in Africa would dress. So now I'll get taken seriously! Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yes, now the people here in the Bahamas won't know the difference." Chandler said, with a tone of that familiar Chandler sarcasm in his voice.

"Dude...We're in Africa." replied Joey.

Rosie started the engine, to drown out the sound of her own laughter.

She and the friends were soon grinding slowly along four-wheel drive, heat hammering down onto the open-topped cab. Rosie was happy now, peering through the dust-coated windscreen, trying to follow the almost invisible, overgrown track through the scrubby bush.

"So, when are we gonna see our first antelope?" enquired Ross.

"Well," Rosie began, "we're actually nearer to the region where the impala like to graze."

Joey started jumping up and down in his seat, "So we're not seeing any antelope. Does this mean I don't have to learn what that means?"

"Eh, please remain seated while the vehicle is in motion." Instructed Rosie.

"Yay!" He continued to jump up and down.

"Oh, you'll have to excuse my friend," said Chandler, "he's kind of in a phase right now where he just ignores the big words he can't understand."

"Please don't jump up like that." said Rosie finally.

"Oh," Joey sat abruptly back down. He then began to read something in silence for a few minutes and then grinned excitedly, "Hey guys, listen to this: 'DooDookaa." He was putting on a terrible South African dialect.

"Oh no, he's finally lost his ability to speak!" mocked Chandler.

"...I'm speaking Swahili. 'Amboolala'. How good am I?"

"That's not Swahili Joey, that's gibberish!" Rachel added.

"But how come it's in this Swahili words book?"

Ross reached back and picked up the book and studied it, "That's not a Swahili words book," he indicated the title, "this is a field guide."

"Yeah but I was reading the Swahili words pretty good, eh?" He gave Chandler a shoulder nudge.

"It's in English." Chandler said disapprovingly.

"Oh I think we might be reaching our destination," Rosie said, in the hope of bringing back the safari spirit, "There's a heard of impala over there." She indicated with her finger the grazing animals. The passengers looked slightly unimpressed, and secretly weren't even sure where they could see them properly.

"So, do they make these into hamburgers?" Joey asked.

"Hopefully not," The tour guide informed, "it would cost them a massive fine if they did!"

"Oh good!" Phoebe began, "Killing animals is cold-blooded murder, that's what it is!"

"Yes, well..." Said Rosie. "It's strictly against the law to kill animals off this reserve."

Suddenly Joey's eyes widened at the thought of the nyala. He looked around as if to appear innocent. This is where my great acting skills should pay off, he thought.

Later that day, the friends were hanging out back at the Leopard's Den safari lodge.

Monica, Rachel and Phoebe were on the porch, sitting at some patio furniture, while the boys were on on the front lawn with some cricket bats and other sports equipment.

Du Plessis emerged from the hotel with a bottle of beer in one hand. Nomsa came out shortly after him, carrying a tray of refreshments, which she placed on the patio table in front of the girls. As soon as they thanked her, the boys rushed over to each grab a glass of cold lemonade. Du Plessis leaned an elbow onto the patio railings to view his land.

Phoebe approached Du Plessis and waved her hands in a circular motion above his head.

"What the heck are you doing?" He jumped and some beer sloshed out of the can.

"I'm cleansing your aura."

"Well butt off. I don't need my aura cleansed. Crazy American girl!"

"Alright alright." Phoebe sided back to her seat.

"What was that all about?" Rachel asked her.

"Oh nothing, I just got this really bad vibe from him, you know?"

"Really, how do you mean?"

"There's something about his hat..."

"Oh, with the leopard-skin band..."

"leopard-skin! Oh my God, that's horrible!"

Monica, who had been listening, smacked her hand across her face, "Here's a hint. When talking to Phoebe, Never mention the words leopard andskin in the same sentence!"

The friends were patting Phoebe's shoulders, "Calm down Phoebe. It's not so bad." said Ross. Phoebe glared at Ross. "It-is-bad." He quickly compromised.

Then he decided to change the subject. "So when is dinner ready?" he asked.

"We have only one small meal at dinner," Nomsa replied, "later in de evening."

"Wow, so it is true that food in Africa is scarce." Chandler joked. Everybody stared at him including Nomsa. "...OK. You look angry...So I'm just gonna shut up now...and drink my fine lemonade..." He cringed as he tried to hide his embarrassment inside the glass. Ross was at least glad the shame had shifted on to someone else.

"So boys, how did the cricket game go?" Monica asked.

"Well, not so good," said Ross, "Chandler kept screaming like a little girl every time the ball got near him."

"OK. In my defense, African cricket is way harder than the British game!"

"It's the same," Du Plessis interrupted, "the Trevanions brought it over from England." Chandler slunk down into his seat again. The girls giggled with delight.

"Ah it's not so bad," Ross patted Chandler on the shoulder, "Joey fell over twice!"

"You did?" Monica asked.

"...No." It took Joey three seconds to reply, as if he had been deep in thought. He then quickly pinched his lips together. His arms had been folded ever since he had finished his drink.

"Hey what is with you?" Chandler asked him, "You were being quiet all the way back from the safari tour."

"Nothing...I'm fine." The others looked at each other with puzzled expressions on their faces.

Rosie immediately stepped out onto the patio. She was wearing a pair of heavy duty gloves and carried a large bucket full of food scraps.

"Hey that's odd." She said, "Where's the nyala?"

"What's a nyala?" asked Rachel.

"Oh please, Rach." Laughed Ross, "A nyala is a deer-like creature living in the South-eastern regions of Af-"

"OK OK Ross," interrupted Rachel, "shuddup already!"

"Hm, OK" said Rosie, "well if none of you saw it, just never mind." And she prompted Du Plessis to follow her into the hotel. Probably to discuss why he was drinking the guest's beer.

With all the friends alone, suddenly Joey jumped up.

"All right, all right. I'm sorry. I killed the deer thingy, it's dead!" He felt his eyes sting with tears.

"You what?" said Phoebe, shocked. The others covered their mouths with their hands. Ross knotted his eyebrows and shook his head. They were all staring at Joey, who was nearly crying. Chandler spat a mouthful of lemonade and had almost found it amusing.

"I think you might tell us what you mean by that!" Chandler coughed.

"It was an accident," Joey became livid now, "I threw a stick at nothing in particular and it hit the deer!"

"You animal-killer!" Shrieked Phoebe.

"You'd better tell us where it is!" Said Ross.

Later, when Joey had showed them the location at which he found the nyala, everyone stood still and stared.

"What exactly are we looking at?" Asked Chandler. Because the nyala had gone.

"I don't geddit!" Exclaimed Joey. "I mean, it was here before!"

"Did you eat the deer as well?" Mocked Chandler.

"Oh my god, poachers took it!" said Joey.

"No, Joey!" Cried Ross. "Poachers don't take animals that are already dead!"

"So vultures ate it! who cares, I killed a ny...a nyaya...nya...I-killed-a-deer!"

"Maybe the sandwiches finally got to your head!" said Chandler.

"Well I just think you've been out in the sun too long." Said Ross.

"Or the Bambi movie!" Said Phoebe.

"Stupid killing death-stick!" Joey said angrily, as he picked up the stick he had found.

"That's the stick you killed it with?" asked Rachel, a little disappointed.

"No way," said Ross, "no way could that puny stick knock out a full-grown nyala, let alone kill one!"

"What makes you so sure of that, Ross?" Asked Phoebe.

"Well er, I dunno, er..."

"What's up?" Asked Joey.

"Nothing. OK. Maybe I have something to do with it as well."

"Oh my god!" gasped Phoebe, "Two of my friends are murderers!"

"OK. It happened this morning." Ross began to tell his story. "I went out here to look for Joey, because he had disappeared...And I just came across the nyala...so I just fed it a little grass. Then..." Ross shook himself. "It started to choke on the grass." He cleared his throat. "I just didn't know what else to do...and then it collapsed..."

"What did you do then?" Asked Monica.

"I was already late for the safari tour, so I headed to the jeep and left it there. It was all my fault, I'm sorry."

"Ross, don't blame yourself!" Said Rachel. "...I may have had something to do with it as well..."

"Oh not you too!" Cried Phoebe.

"Yes," said Rachel, "before the safari I wanted to wear my new sunglasses, but I couldn't decide whether to go for the purple ones with the stylish rims, or the ones that actually worked, with the not-so-stylish rims."

"Ah, the great decisions of life!" Chandler mused.

"And...well," Rachel continued, "I went outside to ask Ross which ones looked better-"

"Is this going anywhere?" Asked Ross impatiently.

"Just let me finish...and there was the nyala, on the ground. I didn't see it, so I tripped right over it, causing me to smash my new sun glasses on the ground. So I got mad and told the nyala to beat it, but when it got up it was already hurt because I tripped on it. So it collapsed...and...I did it, you see?" She began to cry.

"There, there, Rachel," comforted Monica, "I don't think it was you at all. You see, it was me, and Chandler..."

"Oh no!" Screamed Phoebe, "Did all of you kill the nyala?"

"But listen, listen," Began Monica, "Chandler and I were both out here this morning. You see, we wanted to be alone so we could make out."

"Oh my god, Monica!" Said Chandler, "This has nothing to with the deer incident!"

"Yes it does!" She continued, "I can't make out when a deer is watching me!"

"Oh no, now I remember." Chandler said, wishing he hadn't.

"So I tried to force the deer to go away, but it wouldn't."

"Then what?" Asked Joey.

"Then," Continued Chandler, "It got sacred of Monica, and had a heart-attack."

"It was so not scared of me, it was scared of you!" She pushed Chandler on the shoulder.

"Argh! See that was scary!"

"Did you still make out?" Asked Joey.

"Yes, then we made out." Said Monica.

"Ok, what was it like?"

They all gave him a dead-pan look.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" Said Phoebe.

"I know," said Ross,"I guess we all killed the nyala, except you, Phoebe."

"No, actually I might have killed the nyala too guys." Said Phoebe, admittedly.

"Oh no!" Said everyone at once.

"Yeah. I'm kind of cursed. So, I killed the nyala, I'm so sorry guys."

"What, you killed it with a curse?" Laughed Ross, "That's ridiculous, Phoebe!"

"Why would it be ridiculous, Ross? You believed everyone else's story. You believed that Joey killed it with a stick, for crying out loud!"

"She has a point." Said Chandler.

"Oh, this is just horrible," continued Phoebe, "how are we gonna tell them?"

"I guess we tell them the truth." Said Ross.

"Oh yeah right!" Laughed Phoebe, "Why don't we tell the Trevanions that?" She was joking but it would have sounded serious to anyone listening. Then Rosie and Du Plessis approached them. They were followed by Danny and Sarah Trevanion and the two kids: Evan and Olivia.

"Tell us what?" asked Danny.

"Oh how the nyala died." Said Phoebe.

The other friends were trying to cover up her mouth to stop her talking.The young girl and boy started to cry and ran away.

"Oops!" Phoebe covered her mouth by herself. "Not a very good job of mouth-covering here!" She shouted to them.

"What happened to the nyala?" Asked a very serious Danny. "And I want the full truth."

"Oh, you want the truth?"

"Yes."

"The truth?"

(Angrily) "Yes!"

"The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"Phoebe!" The friends almost kicked her.

"OK," Phoebe cleared her throat, "So this is how it all happened, "...Joey threw a stick in a random direction, which coincidently beat the nyala to death, then Ross choked the animal with grass, the legal type! Rachel tripped over it, in heels. And Monica and Chandler scared it, causing the animal to have a heart-attack, and I cursed it. That's how your nyala died!"

Everyone stood in silence for a whole fifteen seconds. Then Du Plessis said:

"Get outta my country!"

The End.

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