Disclaimer - The Mentalist belongs to Bruno Heller and CBS. Not me. Obviously.

A/N - Hello again, my wonderful readers! I humbly present to you another one-shot to fill in the time before the end of the hiatus. It's another trip down memory lane, this time focussing a little bit more on the aftermath of the season two finale, and on our first real glimpse of Red John. To this day, it's one of my favourite episodes, so I really wanted to explore it a little more. Anyway, I hope you like it!

~ Red Sky at Night ~

Jane closed his book slowly, his thoughts jumbled and his mind far away from the words written on the dog-eared pages. Glancing up, he noticed Lisbon watching him from the other side of the bullpen, and he sighed slightly, though he didn't make any move to get up of his couch.

Clearly Lisbon was worried, and she'd probably been worried for a while now. Not that he entirely blamed her for that, he reasoned. After all, it had only been two days since those two psychotic film students had almost killed him. Only two days since he had been at Red John's mercy…

"You okay?" she asked, startling him slightly. Lisbon was standing over him now, and her eyes betrayed her concern. Quickly Jane schooled his features into something that he hoped resembled his usual cheerfulness, though judging by Lisbon's deepening frown, his rather pathetic attempt had probably come far too late for her not to have noticed his original jumpiness.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered immediately. He tried to smile, though he wasn't sure he'd quite managed that either. The growing concern on Lisbon's face confirmed that he hadn't even been close.

"You're sure he said nothing?" she asked again, a small amount of hope warring with her obvious concern. "Nothing at all?"

Jane sighed, pretending to consider his answer, though there wasn't really anything to consider in reality.

"Nothing," he told her, trying to inject confidence into his voice, a confidence he certainly didn't feel. He felt squirmy, like he always did when he was forced to lie to Lisbon. He'd found, over the years, that regardless of how necessary lie was, he really didn't like lying to Lisbon.

As if to highlight the point once more, he watched her reaction to his lie, her hope all but extinguishing, and the squirming in his gut increased tenfold. Damn…

"Jane…"

"Yes, Lisbon?" he replied sweetly, shaking away his previous thoughts. He needed time alone to think, and for that, he needed Lisbon to believe that he was okay.

"Nothing," she sighed.

Thankfully, Lisbon, whether she thought he was alright or not, was at least apparently taking the hint that he wasn't in any mood to talk, and she began to walk away without another word. He sighed a sigh of relief, though he was careful to keep his expression guarded against her wily cop instincts, at least until he was sure she was gone.

As he watched her leave, Jane leant his head against the back of his couch, and finally allowed his thoughts to meander back to his meeting with Red John. The fear, the anger, the overwhelming urge to rip away his bonds and strangle the bastard with his bare hands.

He had told the team the bare minimum of what had happened. Jane had expected Lisbon to ask again though, and he had been quite prepared to lie once again. No matter how squirmy lying to her made him feel, there simply wasn't another choice, not when it really came down to it.

Red John was his…

What he hadn't expected, he realised, watching as Lisbon suddenly began to march back to his couch with determination gleaming in her eyes, was just how hard he would have to try to convince her to let it go.

"You're an idiot, Jane," Lisbon said bluntly as she sat down next to him on his couch without invitation. This time he made no move to hide his surprise, though her return finally brought a true smile to his face for the first time in days.

"Well hello to you too, Lisbon," Jane said as he turned to face her, smiling widely. He was certain he knew what she was talking about already, but he supposed it was always fun to find out for sure…

"Shut up, Jane," Lisbon retorted, scowling. "I mean it."

"Did you know, the word 'idiot' actually derives from the Greek word idiōtēs," Jane said casually, completely ignoring Lisbon's threat. "Which, amongst other things, essentially means a person lacking in professional skill."

"I rest my case," Lisbon deadpanned.

"Nonsense," Jane asked, still grinning. "I'm hardly lacking in skill, Lisbon."

"Or modesty, it seems," Lisbon replied. "Anyway, it was the professional bit I was talking about. Would it kill you to do things normally, just once?"

"Where's the fun in that?" Jane shot back.

"It's not about fun, you idiot," Lisbon replied, and Jane grinned widely. "It's about safety. Every time you go off and do your own thing, it ends badly."

"You can't honestly be blaming me for what happened the other night?" Jane asked, slightly surprised by her suggestion. "They knocked me out as soon as I set foot in the building."

"And yet you left me a clear message saying that you would be at the KC outlet," Lisbon pointed out. "So why the hell were you even in the building?"

"I had a hunch," he replied unapologetically.

Jane could have sworn he saw her eye twitch. "A hunch?"

"Yes, a hunch," Jane replied seriously. "I knew the murderers were ready to show their hand."

"And so you placed yourself in direct danger just to smoke them out?" Lisbon began. "Doesn't really sound like you, Jane."

"Well, I admit, I might have misjudged the situation slightly."

"Jane, you could have been killed!"

"But I wasn't," Jane replied bluntly. "Not even close really. Once Red John turned up, I was safe. Ironic really."

"What did Red John say to you?" Lisbon asked after a brief, awkward pause.

"Nothing," Jane repeated. The squirmy feeling was back.

"Bull crap," Lisbon immediately replied.

"Lisbon -"

"This," she gestured between them, "This right here is why you're an idiot. Stop trying to deal with it on your own and tell me what he said to you."

"Lisbon…" he began again.

"Jane, don't lie to me," Lisbon interrupted once more. "I don't deserve that, and you know it."

Jane sighed. There was a lot she didn't deserve from him, and this wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. He sighed, and ran a hand through his unruly hair. He should've known she wouldn't believe him. He should've definitely known that she wouldn't give up...

"He said," Jane began quietly, "And I quote, 'Tiger, tiger burning bright, in the forests of the night. What immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?' It's William Blake."

"I know," Lisbon scowled, still clearly annoyed with him, but confused more than anything. "But why? Why would he say that?"

"No idea," Jane shrugged. "Then he mentioned Kristina…"

"Jane…"

He shook himself. "Anyway, he mentioned Kristina, then he left. That's it."

"You idiot," Lisbon repeated, though she looked worried. "You shouldn't have hidden that from us. It could mean something."

Jane shook his head. "It doesn't."

"It could."

"It doesn't."

Lisbon didn't look convinced, but she didn't push it, and for that he was grateful. He had no desire for an argument, not when his head was already filled with a swirling mess of confusion and doubt.

"Why do you think he didn't kill you?" she asked instead, turning slightly on the couch.

"I don't know," Jane replied slowly. "I think maybe...I think he knows that this is worse. He likes to watch me, to make sure I'm suffering."

She frowned. "What are you saying?"

"Hmm?" Jane replied, dragging himself out of his memories and back to the present.

"What do you mean by 'this is worse'," Lisbon asked, slowly, her brow furrowed in confusion. "What's 'this'?"

"Life," Jane replied quietly, no trace of a smile on his face anymore. He was tired of pretending with her. Exhausted, really. "Living with what happened."

"You'd rather be dead," Lisbon replied numbly.

"What?" Jane replied, jerking his head up. "No…Lisbon…"

"Shut up, Jane," Lisbon interrupted, anger dancing in her eyes. "I can't believe…I thought…"

"I'm not suicidal," he told her.

"You'd rather be dead, Jane!" Lisbon burst out, spinning round to face him on the couch. Jane had the absurd feeling that he ought to be running away, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to move. "That's the definition of suicidal."

"Actually the definition of suicidal is wanting to kill oneself," Jane replied bluntly, hoping that she might calm down enough to see that. "Which I do not."

Thankfully, it seemed to work. "What?"

"I don't want to kill myself, Lisbon," Jane replied, leaning back against the as he turned away from her.

"And I'm supposed to believe you," Lisbon shot back, clearly still angry. With what happened to her father, he realised that – though she was certainly wrong in this case - he honestly couldn't blame her for her reaction.

"I'm really supposed to take your word for it," she continued, somewhat sarcastic, clearly still angry. "Just like that?"

"Yes, you're supposed to take my word for it," Jane told her, taking a deep breath. "Just like that. Clearly you won't though, so listen up because I won't say this again. I was suicidal -"

"I knew it," she muttered.

"I was suicidal," Jane emphasised as he ran a hand through his hair. "For a brief period only. And for the record, as soon as I realised how bad I was, I got help."

Lisbon hesitated. "Was it…?"

"After my wife and daughter were murdered?" Jane continued, almost dismissive of his own feelings, even though he still felt them deeply. "Yes. Of course."

"Was that why you went into the mental institution?"

"Yes," Jane replied, his thoughts once again returning to the past. "Sophie Miller saved my life back then. She continues to save it now."

"Jane…"

"Look, I'm not going to lie and say that every day is filled with sunshine and rainbows," Jane interrupted. "But I'm fine. Fine and dandy, if you must know." He sighed softly. "Lisbon, I realised a long time ago that if I want justice, if I want my revenge, I need to be alive to get it."

"It's not about living for revenge, though," Lisbon argued. "It's about wanting to live, Jane…"

"I wasn't finished, woman," he continued softly. "I also realised, not so long ago, that there are plenty of other things to live for. They…they would have wanted me to keep going for myself too…"

"We want you to keep going as well, you know," Lisbon replied quietly.

"There's that too," Jane replied, and somehow, miraculously, a smile found its way back onto his face. Despite the dark topic, and despite the dark depths of the parts his past that he had no intention of even thinking about, let alone talking about, Lisbon had made him smile again.

"We need you, Jane," she continued quietly, glancing around the bullpen at the empty desks of Rigsby, Van Pelt and Cho.

"I know," Jane smiled. And he did. They were a strange group, a strange family really, but a family all the same. He cared for them, more than he'd ever intended to.

"You really scared me, you know," Lisbon told him. "I thought we'd lost you."

"I know, and I'm sorry," Jane replied. "Though I still maintain that it wasn't entirely my fault. Those film students really were insane. In fact, now that I think about it, it wasn't my fault at all, really…"

"You should be sorry, Jane," Lisbon shot back, and Jane could see the grin finally return to her face. "I don't care how you justify it. You should have told us what you were going to do. You didn't. You were an idiot."

"I know that too," he nodded with a smile, and was pleased to see her smile grow too. "Really I do. And I promise, I'll try not to be so idiotic in the future."

And honestly, despite the growing threat of Red John, he knew that he would do everything he could to keep that promise.

For himself.

For Lisbon.

A/N - So how was it? I definitely took some liberties with Jane's past, but I do believe that this kind of thing is entirely within the realms of possibility. Hopefully you agree? Also, I realise that it is perhaps unlikely that Jane would ever share so much of his past with anyone, but I kind of feel as if Lisbon is the exception to that rule. Hopefully you agree with that as well. If you've got a spare minute, please review to let me know either way. I'm always interested to know what you think! And if you haven't got a spare minute, then no worries, and thanks for reading anyway - appreciate it more than I could ever say in words!