The Fellowship of the Rings Destruction
By US.
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Tolkien's and Saul Zaentz...and stuff. I'm sure K-mart doesn't mind the advertising. Same with Walmart. I have no idea if RAFTABLES is an actual trademark or not. Lightsabers obviously belong to...uh...not me. Barney is not mine, thank God. Special notice to Destiny's Child, Nickelback, Tori Amos and Walt Disney for getting their songs stuck in my head. Also Finding Nemo, Veggie Tales,Pirates of the Caribbean and a bunch of other movies I don't recall at the moment. And yes, "Elrond's reasons" are sort of a running gag in the fanfiction world. Glarwenolas and Ketchup-Corp. are mine.
PROLOGUE:
Once upon a time, there was a man named Hesildur. There was also a Maia called Sauron. And an Elf named Elrond, apparently. Not to mention thousands of hot CG elves, lackluster CG men and slimy CG orcs and ALOT of CG arrows. So why was this motley crew assembled?
To put it in a nutshell, Sauron wanted to take over the world, and he had a KeyRing to help him do it. It was the key to the vast energy plant that kept the orc army going, because after all, EVERYBODY knows that an orc would much rather sit at home and talk to Shrek or Fiona than go and fight some bloodthirsty elves. Sauron also had other keys on the One Key Ring, but the locks for those keys had all rusted or been smashed in a carwreck. And that's a whole 'nother story.
So anyway, Sauron saw that his orcs were lagging, so he decided to go out and give them a pep talk. Unfortunately, he had an allergic reaction to something, probably the Elves' anti-dandruff shampoo. What with all that sneezing, he managed to blow handfuls of the good and bad guys away. One of them happened to be Hesildur's father. Hesildur was very excited at this turn of events: it meant that he was finally to inherit a kingdom. However, Sauron was still on the loose. Hesildur saw the Maia standing over him and his dead father, his hand stretched out and a mace raised over his head. What Hesildur didn't know was that Sauron had realized the war was lost and was extending his hand as a sign of friendship. What Sauron didn't realize was that the mace was raised in a most disturbing and threatening manner over his head.
And so, in one quick stroke, Hesildur cut The One KeyRing from Sauron's belt. Startled, Sauron dropped the mace on his own head, effectively killing his own body. At this the Orcs felt very disoriented, and fled. Hesildur was quite proud of his feat, although his sword Narsil had shattered in the process. All of a sudden the Elf Elrond appeared, and told Mr. Hesildur to follow him. Elrond had to hit him with a spear butt several times to get his attention.
Elrond, who was suspiciously familiar with the enemy territory, led Hesildur to the great power plant, even unto the great lock. But Hesildur was so dumb he didn't know that the key goes in the lock, and left Elrond yelling at the top of his lungs.
Later, the Orcs, who were desperately trying to get The One KeyRing back so that they could do what Hesildur was too stupid to do, attacked Hesildur's Theraputic River Tours (worth 800 dollars in American currency). Needless to say, Hesildur wouldn't give it up. He found that by sticking the Key in his mouth, he became invisble. Then he ran for the river. This arrangement proved to be a problem, because Hesildur could not at once gulp air and keep the key in his mouth. Of course, he had to breath, and The One KeyRing sank. In a fury,the orcs shot Hesildur. Hesildur died.
For a few eons The One KeyRing sat at the bottom of the river, until somebody else found it. Then he dropped it, and Bilbo Baggins found it. And now we can finally get on with this story.
By US.
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings is not mine. Tolkien's and Saul Zaentz...and stuff. I'm sure K-mart doesn't mind the advertising. Same with Walmart. I have no idea if RAFTABLES is an actual trademark or not. Lightsabers obviously belong to...uh...not me. Barney is not mine, thank God. Special notice to Destiny's Child, Nickelback, Tori Amos and Walt Disney for getting their songs stuck in my head. Also Finding Nemo, Veggie Tales,Pirates of the Caribbean and a bunch of other movies I don't recall at the moment. And yes, "Elrond's reasons" are sort of a running gag in the fanfiction world. Glarwenolas and Ketchup-Corp. are mine.
PROLOGUE:
Once upon a time, there was a man named Hesildur. There was also a Maia called Sauron. And an Elf named Elrond, apparently. Not to mention thousands of hot CG elves, lackluster CG men and slimy CG orcs and ALOT of CG arrows. So why was this motley crew assembled?
To put it in a nutshell, Sauron wanted to take over the world, and he had a KeyRing to help him do it. It was the key to the vast energy plant that kept the orc army going, because after all, EVERYBODY knows that an orc would much rather sit at home and talk to Shrek or Fiona than go and fight some bloodthirsty elves. Sauron also had other keys on the One Key Ring, but the locks for those keys had all rusted or been smashed in a carwreck. And that's a whole 'nother story.
So anyway, Sauron saw that his orcs were lagging, so he decided to go out and give them a pep talk. Unfortunately, he had an allergic reaction to something, probably the Elves' anti-dandruff shampoo. What with all that sneezing, he managed to blow handfuls of the good and bad guys away. One of them happened to be Hesildur's father. Hesildur was very excited at this turn of events: it meant that he was finally to inherit a kingdom. However, Sauron was still on the loose. Hesildur saw the Maia standing over him and his dead father, his hand stretched out and a mace raised over his head. What Hesildur didn't know was that Sauron had realized the war was lost and was extending his hand as a sign of friendship. What Sauron didn't realize was that the mace was raised in a most disturbing and threatening manner over his head.
And so, in one quick stroke, Hesildur cut The One KeyRing from Sauron's belt. Startled, Sauron dropped the mace on his own head, effectively killing his own body. At this the Orcs felt very disoriented, and fled. Hesildur was quite proud of his feat, although his sword Narsil had shattered in the process. All of a sudden the Elf Elrond appeared, and told Mr. Hesildur to follow him. Elrond had to hit him with a spear butt several times to get his attention.
Elrond, who was suspiciously familiar with the enemy territory, led Hesildur to the great power plant, even unto the great lock. But Hesildur was so dumb he didn't know that the key goes in the lock, and left Elrond yelling at the top of his lungs.
Later, the Orcs, who were desperately trying to get The One KeyRing back so that they could do what Hesildur was too stupid to do, attacked Hesildur's Theraputic River Tours (worth 800 dollars in American currency). Needless to say, Hesildur wouldn't give it up. He found that by sticking the Key in his mouth, he became invisble. Then he ran for the river. This arrangement proved to be a problem, because Hesildur could not at once gulp air and keep the key in his mouth. Of course, he had to breath, and The One KeyRing sank. In a fury,the orcs shot Hesildur. Hesildur died.
For a few eons The One KeyRing sat at the bottom of the river, until somebody else found it. Then he dropped it, and Bilbo Baggins found it. And now we can finally get on with this story.