Viva La Vida
I know Saint Peter won't call my name.
She would never go to Heaven. She knew that. She understood it and was quite unhindered by it.
She knew what she wanted could only be obtained through giving up beliefs prior to Edward.
She'd never been a truly religious person, but she dabbled in Christianity...Lutheran, Catholic, Nondenominational, and the like. She even took a junior comparative religions course.
She didn't know if she believed in Heaven so much as she idealized it.
No one knows what to expect when they die. Shinigami, 72 virgins, Heaven or Hell. The best you can really do is to live for yourself, because there are no guarantees after that.
Bella knew this. And he knew this.
An eternity with Edward was exponentially better than an afterlife plagued with doubt. With Edward, there was security. She knew what to expect.
She had never really planned on giving up her life for a guy, especially one she hadn't known all that long. But every day felt so new and yet so much the same because, with him there, nothing could touch her.
Her mother wouldn't approve. Her father would rather she didn't. Her former self would beg her not to. It went against everything.
Philosophy was another thing she didn't know much about, but she wasn't bothered. She lingered in her own thoughts, escaped into her own warped little reality, and she resided there. Everyone else and everything else was irrelevant.
Here in Edward's arms was all that mattered.
And Jacob. There were no guarantees about her wavering feelings for the werewolf. She wasn't sure how she looked at him. And she knew he felt differently. He knew she was what he wanted. But she wouldn't be that to him. She couldn't be that to him.
He certainly wouldn't save her from an eternity of doubt.
And if she needed to give him up as well, she wasn't sure she could handle the pain. But she had made her decision. Edward was her life and she was going to live it with or without the aid of her best friend. And, somewhere deep inside, she knew that was wrong.
Edward was her light and her passion and her fire.
It didn't matter now, anyway. She was damned but she was damned with him and maybe that was her own piece of Heaven.