Stuck In the Past

Beep, Beep, Beep. The annoying sound of my alarm clock wouldn't stop quick enough as I rolled over and shoved a pillow over my head.

"Zack! Get up and get ready so you don't make us late too." Josh yelled from the bathroom. The alarm clock finally stopped but the sound of Josh yelling was even more annoying. I opened my eyes only to be blinded by the bright light shining through our dorm window that Dylan must have opened when he woke up. Dylan, Josh, Ryan, Becca are probably the best friends I can hope for at the time this. They will always be there for me. I heard singing coming from the shower, it was Josh.

I smiled, he is always rocking out in the shower. So I rolled over and yelled at him, "Josh! Remember there is no half-singing in the shower you're either a rock star or an opera diva." Once I finished. The music coming from the shower was no longer Josh's favorite song it was now his impression of opera. I sat up and clapped as I heard the water turn off.

I got up and looked around and caught Josh's eye in the mirror and he understood. "They all went down to eat, you know before all the good food is gone..." he explained "They said that they would bring us up some food back up." He paused to look at me questioningly "What's wrong Zack? You don't look to good." "Yah, I'm fine just tired." He looked at me, not really believing that nothing was wrong. "Okay." he sighed. He was the kind of person who could and would read peoples emotions. He seemed to get that I was tired and not in the mood to talk about it.

Josh shrugged and then left the bathroom. His normally chocolate brown hair that was now almost black with the water from his shower dripping down from the ends.

I quickly got into the shower. I am always able to think better in the shower, with the hot water easily sliding down my body. The images of what happened a few weeks ago kept replaying over and over in my head. It was all to much to take in at one time. My dad died around a month ago and I haven't even told my friends. They know that I haven't really been my self but they don't know the whole story. My past came back to me in a rush.

I turn around to see a gun pointed directly at my head. Everything I ever seemed to have cared about was sliding further and further away from me. I don't know what is going to happen to me now. Will I ever be able to see my parents and friends every again. I hear the sound of the gun and I know that there is no changing or going back. I closed my eyes and except what's going to happen. I wait for the pain, the impact of the hit, but it never came. I slowly opened my eyes and at that time all I can see his stilled body lying in front of me. Tears leaked out and slowly made there was down the sides of my face. The cement all around his chest was quickly turning a dark red. The man who had had shot the gun was already about five blocks away. The sound had everyone stunned. We never knew that this fight would go that far. I sank to my knees as my dad reached up to cup my face with his hand. The look in his eyes said I love you. "Be careful." He whispered in between labored breaths. I nodded knowing tears were now sliding effortlessly down my cheeks, as I herd his breathing getting shallower as his heart started to slow. "I love you." were the last words he breathed to me, as I sat there helplessly and watched the life leak out of his eyes. His hand started to slip and fall. to the ground as he took his last breathe he looked up to me and smiled.

I slipped on the wet floor and fell banging my wrist on the floor. I got up slowly messaging my wrist and hand, I looked up into the mirror. My past sliding back into my thoughts, after so long of keeping it out. I realized that, no one even tried to stop that man with the gun, the gun that killed my father. No one really knows what it takes to be me, to be a spy. People think its all fun and the most that could happen would be a few cuts. They know nothing. I have to make sure that people know what they are getting into when they come into this kind of stuff.

By now I was almost done in the bathroom. The steam helped me stay calm even though I was far from it. I was mad, but I knew I had to be strong just like my mom. I cannot make it too obvious. I can make it through this, and I will.

I turned around and stepped out of the bathroom, and flop down on my bed. Josh looked up at me with concern written all over his face. It felt so bad having to lie to him but my mom told me that we have to keep everything confidential until we find the man who killed that to my dad.

"No, I won't be in this alone forever." I told mentally myself trying to convince myself of the lie. Even if I told I would still be alone, because they would have to take me away. That's the thing about being in a school for spies.

You could be lying to someone but they could also be lying to you to. You just never know. Rule #1 in the life of spies, Don't trust anyone. Life was so hard like this. I knew that they all trusted me. So why can't I seem to find it in myself to trust them when I need them the most.

I was so caught up in my thinking that I never realized that Josh had gotten up and moved over to my bed and sat at the end waiting for me to talk first. Josh has known me for my whole life, his parents were on a mission with mine and when only my parents came back, they couldn't bare to send their closest friends son to a foster home so they cared for him like a son. Yes, Josh was my "brother". And at sometimes it was nice to know that he would always be there for me no matter what.

I was so mad at myself. I couldn't even trust myself enough to tell my little brother what happened to our/my dad. He was so happy and I didn't want to see anything bad happen to him, more than that I didn't want him to know that our dad died because I failed to pay attention when in a full on fight.

My thoughts were swirling through out my head making me very weary, as I looked up to meet Joshes seaweed green eyes, they seemed to be swimming with his own thoughts.

"Zack." He whispered. If I wasn't looking at him I wouldn't have even heard it, but I did. and at that moment I knew that he had known all along. Some how I felt betrayed and I knew at that moment that I would make sure not to take the truth lightly, ever again.

His light green eyes darkened as he remembered. Tear flowed out of his eyes, and he smiled.

How could Josh smile at something like that. Our dad had died and we... I had to leave him behind. I gasped sadness and anger coming into my own eyes, as my own tears silent streaked down my own face. Josh seemed to have noticed a change in me because his smile disappeared and he leaned forward to hug me, but I push away from his embrace. How could he hurt me like this?

He kept whispering words of comfort to me but they worked the opposite right now. I brought my hand up and punched hitting him square on the cheek. I watched his eyes and they held nothing but sadness. "How long?" I asked not even really wanting the answer, the only answer I got was a few incoherent stutters.

"How. long. Have. You. Known?" My voice broke on the last word. The look of betrayal must have been shown clearly on my face because he broke down in sobs. I instantly felt bad for what I had done, I mean I hadn't told him either, so why should I be so mad at him. I turned his head up so he was now looking at me. "I'm sorry." I muttered exaggerating the word sorry. He smiled and nodded. He started to say something to me but I cut him off. "It was wrong of me to hit you and you know it. So don't say its fine." I said raising my voice slightly. He nodded but smiled slightly. "Mom told me the day after it happened, but also told me not to mention it and let you have some time to get over it because it had hit you pretty hard and that it might upset you more to talk about it, but then I noticed that you haven't really taken an interest in anything at all very much." He paused for a breathe then added, "You sure you are okay?" All I could manage at the moment was a small nod so that's when Josh got what I was trying to say.

"Fine. Just tell me if you would like to talk, I'm always open to talking." Josh said as he made his way over to his bed so he could finish the book he was reading for our science class. But right now all I knew is that Josh still didn't know that dad had died to save me, from myself. Now I know that there can't any more secrets between us. Both of us had stopped crying a while ago so that made it easier to look at him. Except for the fact that I could only look at the half of his face that wasn't red from where I had hit him. I opened my mouth to say something, just as the door opened and my friends came in. They paused in the doorway to our room. Looked from my brother and then back to me a few times before shrugging it off and giving us a ton of food that they snuck up to our room.

The sweet smell of pancakes and syrup came in with them and then that's when I realized just how hungry I was. I started putting everything in my reach into my mouth as I got lost in my thoughts.

I should tell Josh that I was the reason Dad died, shouldn't I?

After Josh, and Dylan had left to meet up with Ryan before going to class, I heard some foot steps coming up to me. I looked up to see Cammie.