note from the author (i): okay, so I've wanted to give this a go for a fairly long time, and I figured I'd just bite the bullet and do it. First try doing, well, humour. And the only other thing I've tried first person was nothing like this, so we'll see how it goes?
warnings: swearing, an internal monologue that never shuts up and resembles the speech pattern of a teenage girl more than it adheres to real grammar rules (aka if you see a sentence that is "like. Being deluded." etc, I promise that's just my way of expressing this character's internal monologue, and that I'm aware it doesn't count as a proper sentence.
thanks: nic (symphonies of you), anna (colorful swirls) and reppad (reppad98) for reading this and encouraging me to continue with it, ellie (prouvaires) for the name syrinx which i borrowed and bequeathed upon theodore nott's sister and rose (RoseScor90) for leonardo's full name and sparking his general existence. lots of love xx
disclaimer: disclaimed.
You know when you're having a nice, relaxed time enjoying a leisurely breakfast of porridge and toast and then your cousin comes storming into the Great Hall, tugging her boyfriend by the ear with an expression that can only be described as "hell-hath-no-fury-like-a-woman-scorned"?
Yeah, I hate that.
Unfortunately, it's a reasonably common occurrence in the life of yours truly, Dominique Weasley.
"Tell him he's a prick!"
That would be my cousin, Lily. Currently brandishing her wincing boyfriend at me. See, normally seeing her boyfriend - Tavish Corner - wincing in pain would fill me with joy because he's a complete prat, but the fact that it's Lily inflicting pain upon him means that I should probably enquire what he's done to deserve such a fate.
It's so hard to be a good cousin nowadays. So many expectations.
"What's he done now?" I ask, ensuring that my weariness is blatant.
Lily scowls. "He made plans to go to Hogsmeade with Rickett this weekend even though he'd promised we'd go on a date!" she informs me, all five foot and two inches of her quivering in indignation.
I stare at her boyfriend in incredulity. That's pretty low. I briefly contemplate destroying his ability to have children. The thought is dismissed quickly. That's more a Rose or Lucy thing than a me thing, to be honest.
I narrow my eyes at him. "What kind of excuse for a decent boyfriend are you?" I demand. He looks somewhat smug. How sickening.
Seeing this, Lily throws up her hands, slaps him hard across the face and storms off. She is a wee bit melodramatic. Corner, on the other hand, is grinning at me. "She wants me so bad," he says cockily. I mime being sick. He departs to the Ravenclaw table.
Finally. Porridge.
Potions begins with a bang. Literally.
We all look up at the ceiling. Once the smoke from the explosion clears, we see the soot-covered face of Langdon Montague, attached to a body that is hanging to the chandelier by a fraying part of his robes. It takes three minutes to get him down, due to the fact that there's not really anywhere he can land when surrounded by so many potions, and another futile fifteen to try and find the culprit.
Professor Griffiths glares at everyone, and starts questioning Langdon who, for some reason, is not speaking.
I turn to my cousin Albus. So does our cousin Rose, as well as his best mate in Slytherin, Kat Smith. My best friend - that'd be Cassie Lewis - notices and turns to look at Al. They instantly frown at each other's presence.
"Why," I begin quietly, "did you decide the ceiling was a good place for Montague to end up?"
Al shrugs. "He's a dick."
Rose fixes him with a look, while Cassie mutters, "So are you, and we haven't put you up there yet."
Kat arches an eyebrow. I decide to intervene. "Albus?" I prompt.
"Like I said, he's a dick," Al repeats.
Cassie's face is suddenly overcome with a grin, but her eyes seem surly. "Fuck, you're jealous that he got a date with Macmillan and you didn't, aren't you?" she snorts. "Macmillan's not that great; you're not missing out on much."
From the heat in Al's expression as he looks at Cassie angrily, I can tell she's hit it on the mark. Megan Macmillan, Hufflepuff Sixth Year, has stolen the heart of my cold, sarcastic, admittedly mean, volatile, temperamental Slytherin cousin, Albus Potter? The world must be going mad.
"Shut up, Lewis, you don't know what you're talking about," he responds heatedly.
I pointedly look at his fingers, which are turning white from his tight grip on the desk. He scowls at me. "Really? Couldn't even back me up this once?" he asks in annoyance.
I frown at him. "You pinned a kid to a chandelier because he got a date with a Hufflepuff, and on top of that, you won't even admit it. You don't deserve my help, you deserve my judgement," I inform him with all the authority of a girl who's had to mediate her cousins' fights over the years. You wouldn't believe how stressful that can be, especially when your cousins are as dramatic as my lot. Somehow, I ended up as the go-to-girl for mediation, instead of a logical choice like Teddy. Except Teddy's too old to help at school and a bit too inclined to listen to Al and Vic to be truly fair. Still, why me? I'm not only the middle child - Lou's four minutes younger and three inches taller - I'm basically the middle cousin too. Family, I tell you. Can't live with them, and with a family of my size, there's probably nowhere in the world that I could go to live without them.
Maybe a convent. I should look into that.
"Really? Macmillan?"
That'd be Rose. She's probably my favourite cousin, on Dad's side at least - which is quite handy, seeing as she's the one I dorm with - but she's pretty hard to impress. I don't worry about that, of course. I've been in with her since birth. Obviously. Being her cousin and all— oh my god shut up Dom.
Rox went to New York over the summer and came back with all these American Muggle sayings like "oh my god" and "for chrissakes" and it's infecting me. I'm deeply unhappy about this.
Anyway, back to Rose and her apparent bias against Megan.
"What's wrong with her?" Al asks defensively, and it would be kind of adorable, except he's a sixteen year old boy, not to mention my cousin, so it's really not the kind of word I'd associate with him.
Rose wrinkles her nose. "She's so ... 2D," she proclaims dismissively. "She's like pastel."
Al looks a little nonplussed and fairly outraged - on the behalf of either his desired lady friend or his taste, I'm not quite sure - but I see what she's getting at. Megan's nice, honestly, but that's sort of all she is. She's like this entity that walks around and she's perfectly polite and smiles and she's nice but she's really... nondescript. Forgettable.
And that's coming from me, Middle Weasley extraordinaire. So, y'know, it's pretty bad.
"She's got a point, man," Kat voices my thoughts, glancing at Al. He looks strangled.
"There's nothing wrong with her!" He looks ready to explode. "Not that it'd matter if there was," he adds hastily, "seeing as nothing's going on there."
"Though not for your lack of wanting," Cass murmurs beside me and I stifle a giggle. It's only October, it's too early to set Al off into one of his sulks. James would have our heads.
Professor Griffiths seems to decide that resolving the mystery is a lost cause right at that point, because she instructs Langdon to go to the Hospital Wing and resumes the lesson.
Back to Potions. Oh, joy.
"Dom!" I hear my name being called, much to my disgruntlement. Nine times out of ten, someone calling for me is bad for me. They all want me to do something; I'm very exploited. Pity me. Make a charity, ask for donations. We can ship me off to Saint Lucia for a week (and I really hope Maman's genes'd beat out Dad's because getting burnt on a charity trip would suck) and change my name when I'm back and then nobody will ever call me over again. I'm going to lose myself in this daydream for a while, methinks.
"Dominique!" Except, no, someone wants my attention. Dammit. I was hoping they'd get discouraged and leave me alone.
I look up and swiftly change my mind. You would too, if you saw those eyes. Hot damn. Me likey. I'm so glad that this is in my head because oh my god, if this beautiful specimen of man could hear my inner commentary, I'd probably blush so hard I'd melt myself right here. And even though blushes are apparently turn-ons, I doubt ones that make you melt are, so that's a thing.
Whoops, beauty on earth is talking. His name's Leo, if you're wondering. Leonardo Neroli Zabini. Don't ask how I know his middle name, either; it's a long story involving my cousin Rio (she's the daughter of my Aunt Gabrielle), who is incidentally the best friend of this beautiful creature.
Have I mentioned that sometimes I adore my cousins?
"Dom? Are you all right?" Leo asks and I realise that he's been talking this whole time and I have not been listening, which is frankly a sin because his voice is like music. But MANLY. Manly music. Me likey.
Please let the recession into five year old verbal skills remain in my head and not be verbalised with this godly figure present. I really don't need to seem any more unattractive right now.
"Oh, yeah, sorry, my cousins have been going crazy, I've been thinking about it a bit to help, you know, the usual," I save face with a beam. It's not like it's a lie. They're totally going crazy, and I did think about that like an hour ago, so. Currently my mind's filled with memories of Leo riding his broom around the Pitch - and honestly, if you can't wolf whistle, learn how to just in case you ever get to see that sight - but he does not need to know that.
"Right. Yeah, I heard from Kat that Albus was being more temperamental than usual in Potions," he says with a smile, eyeing me as he runs his hands through his hair. I reckon it'd feel like heaven. Like dipping your hand into the wings of angels or something. "Anyway, Rio's having a party, and she made all of us swear to let you know the second any of us saw you," he explains. Yowch. Nice to know that he came over to chat because he can't bear to be away from me because he dreams of me as some sort of priestess of Kama Sutra and holy shit shut up Dom CONTROL YOUR MIND. "'Course, I'd have still talked to you anyway. We're going the same way, after all," he continues. That's better. Good stuff, gorgeous Greek god. Except he's Italian, but you know. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO PERFECT? I wish he had a flaw. Like. Being delusional. That'd suck, actually, because he'd be locked away in an asylum and I'd never get to check his beauty out again. Maybe like an inability to say the word "quack"? That could be adorable, though.
Goddammit. Bloody boys.
"Oh, she asks that you invite your cousins, too," he adds, before his brow furrows. "And close friends. I'm pretty sure. But they have to meet her approval," he says, which is not surprising at all because Rio's sexy and funny and sporty and the badass Slytherin Quidditch captain and part-Veela, so everyone either loves her or hates her while wanting to be her. She gets a lot of fans, and being the down-to-earth crazy loyal girl that she is, she does not approve. Everyone's got to pass her judgement to come to one of her events, which just adds to the legend. Her parties are legendary, like mythical beasts or the length of James' list of conquests. They're just like any other party, really, except there's more people I like around and thus 100000000x more fun.
Plus me. I only ever go to parties my family throw, or are thrown by one of the closest friends of the family, which are basically the only ones worth being invited to. That's what I tell myself, anyway. I think it's true though, judging by the death glares I get from the girls who stalk my male relatives. Which is slightly disturbing, because Cassie has assured me that they're just jealous, and that really isn't comforting at all because they're jealous that I'm spending time with these boys they like that I am related to. Doesn't jealousy tend to indicate some sort of desire to be in my position? That's kind of revolting. Trust me, if you're related to James, his messy hair and "fuck me eyes" - direct quote from Izzy Adams, I almost choked on my toast in disgust - are not attractive. In the slightest. They're kind of ridiculous, actually, not to mention baffling - I will never understand how the hell he pulls girls with hair like that.
Leo, though... That boy can roll out of bed with messy hair any time, I say.
"I'll be there," I say, smiling. God, are my lips twitching? They totally are. I probably look like a demented rabbit. Ugh. "And I shall tug along the appropriate people," I add, before mentally face-palming. Tug along?! What am I, a twelve year old at muggle camp? "Uh, when is it, though?" I ask. Good girl. Distract the man from your idiocy. Nice play.
He furrows his brow. "Saturday," he says slowly, "at her Dad's pub."
At this, I stop in my tracks. "Hang on," I say, my voice rising in pitch slightly. "She wants us to sneak off campus?"
He looks at me with amusement. "I guess?" he answers, and it looks like— okay, no, it doesn't just look like it, he's totally trying not to laugh at me. Wanker. Gorgeous, intelligent wanker.
I scowl at him and jab him slightly in the ribs. Oh my god, when did I become Rose? Displeased expressions and violence? It's only a short road until I'm basically in love with Scorpius Malfoy and way too good at downing firewhiskey to be healthy. Better get a grip. "You wouldn't be so amused if you were related to James Potter and Roxanne Weasley," I mutter, glaring at him slightly.
He winces. "Ah, okay, point taken," he admits, looking vaguely apologetic.
I love my cousins dearly, I do. It's just that some of them are incredibly... boisterous. Or, as Rose put it last week, 'abso-fucking-lutely batshit bonkers'. Which is probably a bit hypocritical coming from either of us, but she was probably including us in that statement, so I'll let it pass. Anyway, most of us are - or can be - pretty damn loud. Rose is probably the loudest when she's shouting, but thankfully, she doesn't shout awfully often. James, on the other hand, is basically a box of glee that is always ready to pop out with some loud cheer. He's a fun guy, but with this comes an absolute inability to behave or keep quiet, except when he's on one of his missions. Actually, maybe we can make him shut up by using that. Only on the way there, though. He's a ridiculously happy drunk, so the way back will be the stuff nightmares are made of. Roxanne, on the other other hand, is just a straight up troublemaker. It's probably why she gets along so well with all us cousins. Whenever she and Rose are together, be terrified. Anyway, she's just mischievous and enjoys daring people into doing things and can't resist a challenge herself, so I can't see that ending well for quiet sneakery. And yes, I know that's not a word. Shut up.
This is going to be a mission.
"Rose, Cass, we've got a party to attend on Saturday," I announce as I enter the dorm. I flinch when I see that Gemma Boot and Caroline Finch-Fletchley are in there as well. I wouldn't mind Caroline coming because she's actually sweet and I think Rio would really like her, but she's been Gemma's best friend since first year when she was too nice to tell the girl to shove off, and now they're kind of a package deal and there's no way in hell that Rio'd let Gemma in - I'm pretty sure, anyway - and I don't think her presence would be particularly pleasant. She's a bit... difficult.
"Whose party?" Gemma asks, her tone faux-innocent. Caroline looks pained; we've had this conversation before, and it always ends the same way.
"Someone who doesn't want you there," Rose suggests, smiling beatifically at Gemma as the blonde's face flushes in anger.
"If they want you there, then clearly they don't have much taste," Gemma grinds out, glaring at Rose.
Rose just smiles wider. "They don't need much taste to know that your presence should be avoided at all times," she shoots back.
Gemma opens her mouth to retort but Caroline grasps her by the hand and says firmly, "we promised your brother that we'd meet him at the library ten minutes ago, so let's hurry before we're even more late." With that, she drags Gemma out of the room.
I glance at Rose. "That was harsh," I comment.
Rose raises an eyebrow at me. "Not particularly," she says. "Not after what she did to Scorpius." Cassie nods from her bed, and seeing as she doesn't even like Scorpius that much, I have to agree that Rose makes sense.
Gemma's a bit of a ladder-climber, y'see, so I suppose she was overcome with joy when she ended up in a dorm with Rose and I. Unfortunately for her, she ticked off Rose on the first night by siding with Kelli McLaggen in an argument the Hufflepuff had with Rose during the Sorting Ceremony - which neither Kelli nor Rose seem to have gotten over; as understanding of human character as Rose is, forgiving, she is not - and then she blatantly ignored Cassie, dismissing her as unimportant, which hardly endeared her to the girl. I caught her telling Izzy Adams about my shower habits one morning, which turned me off her too. Not just because it was weird as hell, but because I'm actually a fairly private person and I didn't appreciate it. Anyway, that's how Caroline got stuck with her. We tolerated Gemma; we weren't her friends after those incidents, but we didn't dislike her this intensely.
And then she screwed over Scorpius Malfoy. In her ladder-climbing, she'd decided that the gorgeous yet unattainable young Ravenclaw was the way to go; our relatives were out of the question - Fred was too focussed to give a damn about her, Louis was too close to Rose and I, Albus couldn't stand her existence, Hugo was too young and the last time she'd flirted with James, she'd accidentally broken a couch in half and he'd laughed in her face - and the Scamander twins were far too smart to give her the time of day. So was Scorpius, unfortunately for her, but being the social-climber that she is, she devised a scheme to work to her advantage. She burst into tears in the middle of the Great Hall during breakfast and - I'm not even kidding - started screaming, from Gryffindor table across to where he sat at Ravenclaw with Louis, that he'd "completely broken her heart" when he broke off their "three month long secret relationship" and that she'd given him everything and she guessed that was what she got for "falling for a brooding son of a" — get this — "Death Eater". I don't think I've ever seen Rose angrier in my entire life. She just verbally annihilated the girl. Scorpius was sitting at his table in utter shock, which I'm pretty sure was the only reason Louis stayed there and didn't take down Gemma with Rose.
Actually, you know how I said Gemma's a bit difficult? She's actually a crazy raging bitch.
Anyway, that's why Rose can't stand her so much. Rose would probably have ripped Gemma's hair from her head in her sleep if it wasn't for the fact that she'd lose her position on the Quidditch Team if she did. It was halfway through last year, and Gryffindor was in a great place to get into the Championship. Still, she quite blatantly hated Gemma throughout the year and made it perfectly obvious that she didn't believe a word Gemma said.
My family knows it was all lies, anyway; Scorpius, Louis and Rose are this gorgeous little trio, and both Lou and Rose insisted to us all that Gemma was full of shit - not that we couldn't guess that anyway, because please, it's not exactly as if Rose's massive thing for Scorpius is unrequited - so we know the truth. It's not our place to say anything, though. Whenever anyone asks Scorpius about it - a total of thrice, I believe - he tells them the truth, but he never released any information of his own accord. I guess it shows just how little respect he has for anything Gemma Boot has to say, as much as he may like her brother, but it has led to at least a quarter of the school thinking he's a heart-breaking weasel and that Gemma Boot is a martyr, of all things. It makes Rose want to burn Gemma's bed in the night, but she doesn't release the information either, despite the fact that she could do it subtly enough that it couldn't be traced back to her and effectively enough that it'd be accepted. I asked her why she didn't, once, and she just shrugged and told me that if he didn't give a fuck about what anyone else thought on the matter, neither would she. Clearly didn't mean she wouldn't detest Gemma for all she was worth, though.
"Anyway," Cassie says, interrupting my trip down memory lane, "whose party and where?"
I blink. "Rio's," I say, before sitting on my bed and glaring at them both. "At her dad's pub, this Saturday," I grumble. Cass' eyes widen and Rose sighs.
"Well, this should be a fucking ball," Rose says with a sardonic smile.
It's Charms when I finally see Lou. It's a Ravenclaw-Gryffindor class, actually, and it's got long benches so we sit in a group.
"Louis," I say as I slide into the seat on his left, "we're going to Uncle Theo's pub on Saturday and we have to gag James."
He blinks and then nods. "Seems logical," he replies, before reaching over Rose on his right to jab Scorpius in the stomach. "Party at your quasi-uncle's on Saturday," he informs him.
Scorpius nods, before frowning at Louis. "Quasi-uncle is the most ridiculous term in the universe," he complains.
"Got a more accurate one?" Louis challenges, and grins as Scorpius is forced to shake his head.
See, Theodore Nott, who's Rio's dad, used to be married to Scorpius' Aunt Daphne. Apparently it happened straight out of Hogwarts and it was a really bad idea - Maman told me that it was something about the grieving process, how grieving for the same person tended to bring people closer together and sometimes mistake that closeness for love; she actually glanced pointedly at Aunt Angelina and Uncle George at that, though I have no idea why. It's not as if they were grieving for Millicent Bulstrode, as Theodore and Daphne were - and they weren't actually in love, so three years into marriage, they got it annulled. Thus the quasi-uncle, as he was Scorpius' uncle, just not when Scorpius existed.
Theo married my Aunt Gabrielle a few years later, thus making him my Uncle Theodore, and his children - Seventh Year Slytherin Rio, Sixth Year Gryffindor Nikko, Fifth Year Ravenclaw Lia - my cousins. Scorpius' quasi-cousins, I guess? They actually act like they're his real cousins, though, because Uncle Theo's best mates with Daphne and her new husband Blaise Zabini, so they all grew up together.
Daphne and Blaise had two kids together - the glorious specimen of man that is Seventh Year Slytherin Leonardo, and Fifth Year Slytherin Sienna. They adopted another, Fifth Year Ravenclaw Laetatia, and she's blonde and blue eyed and ridiculously sweet, a far cry from her adoptive sister Sienna, and yet the girls are closer than Rose and Hugo, which is saying something. Anyway, those three are Scorpius' cousins.
Just to add to the mix, Uncle Theo has a sister, Syrinx - don't even ask how one was called Theodore and the other Syrinx, because we're still baffled - who married this guy in the Italian Wizarding Mafia, Lorenzo Viena, and they had two kids, Stefano and Bella. Bella's currently Head Girl, and Stefano's Teddy's best friend. Both siblings are Slytherins. I've mainly gotten to know them via family gatherings at Rio's, or any event with Rio and Teddy, and they're pretty cool. Fred's Head Boy alongside Bella - and he's always been fairly focussed, even with all his pranks, but nobody expected that - so I've gotten to know her even more.
But yeah. And I bet you thought the Weasley side of my family was ridiculous. Which is still a valid assessment, but in comparison, it's a positively nuclear family. According to Louis' logic, though, if Rio is Scorpius' quasi-cousin, then he's hers, right? And Leo would be her quasi-brother, which is just wrong on so many levels - and not in the least because they're best friends and quasi-cousin is a horrifically nonexistent relationship term - which would make him my quasi-cousin, and I don't think being attracted to any kind of cousin is where I want to be going.
Except I think Rose and Scorpius are technically like third cousins or something, and they're somewhat stable, so maybe it wouldn't be—
"Weasley, you're going to hurt yourself if you keep trying to think."
"Malfoy, I will break your liver in two and ship it to your parents if you don't zip it."
—nope, okay, it'd be that bad.
Maybe that's why Uncle Harry's godfather was the last of the Blacks. He decided not to marry his cousin. I mean, sure, the Black name died out and his cousin killed him, but hey, it could have been worse. They could have been married and then he have been murdered by his cousinly wife who most likely would have threatened to tear his spleen to shreds with her teeth.
Not marrying the cousin seems like the safer option, really.
note from the author (ii): okay. Like I said, this is all very new for me, so some feedback would be appreciated so I can try get up a new chapter ASAP, pretty please!
I did actually adhere to canon (in regards to the relationships described this chapter between her maternal uncle and his ex-wife) by marrying them, and then I shamelessly broke them up. As for the end of this chapter, I adore Sirius, I just wanted to poke a bit of fun at all the Black inbreeding. :P
As for a character list and houses/ages whatnot, if anyone's confused, mention it in a review and I'll flick one over in a reply. If it ends up as a popular demand, I might also chuck it in the end of the next chapter.
But yep, I'm quite nervous so any and all feedback is very appreciated!