Warnings: some naughtiness and a non-canon encounter I thought would be fun
Disclaimers: These guys aren't mine, they don't belong to me, worst luck, so don't bother me.
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Sexuality
Alfred found the finished school paper, an essay of some sort by the looks of it, laying on the floor of the young masters room. Thinking it may have fallen and be needed delivered to the school, he picked it up and skimmed the title page;
Sexuality
by Dick Grayson
It was dated two weeks ago and the teacher had marked it was an 'A-' adding the hand written note 'Pls see me.'
Breaking his own strict rules of maintaining the family's privacy, he somewhat guiltily turned the page and began reading.
'By sixteen it's generally assumed by physicians and those who give a lot of thought to such things that most people either have at least a basic understanding of their own sexuality or are—actively or otherwise—exploring their options, even if it's still on a theoretical level and pursued in solitary privacy somewhere.
I'm not sure if I was precocious or simple normal but I've thought about my own leanings almost as long as I have memory.
When I was very young, three or four years old, I remember hearing my parents making love (as opposed to simply having sex). We spent most of the year living in a small trailer as we toured with the circus we worked for and it only had one small room. I couldn't avoid listening though they did make a point of waiting until they thought I was sleeping.
I remember being jealous of the closeness they shared, and resenting being excluded. I didn't fully comprehend what they were doing or why but I do know I hated being left out of something so obviously important to them which clearly gave them both so much pleasure. I never said anything, probably too embarrassed or somehow understanding that they would like to pretend I didn't know what they were doing but I do recall both the looks they'd exchange in the morning and my discomfort.
When I was a little older, seven or eight, my father would sometimes give me a dollar or two to get myself ice cream or buy admission to a movie or local swimming pool. Without anything being said, I understood that I was supposed to make myself scarce for a few hours. I suppose that it's possible that there may be some small bit of Oedipal resentment against my father, his being able to share something with my mother which I couldn't but if that's true, I've come to understand that what they had together was a happy and healthy marital relationship and only hope that I'll have the same someday.
The circus; most people seem to assume that life there is a free for all but in fact it's like living in a small town. It's a self contained environment where everyone knows everyone else and where, while certainly hook ups happen. It's more of a family environment that is usually realized. So far as it goes, my early grounding was that of a close nuclear family, emotionally stable and affectionate. I recognize how lucky I was to have that as long as I did and both embrace and am grateful for the values my parents tried to instill in me.
Having said that, the concept and definition of family in the circus was a liberal one; homosexuality was easily accepted and I was raised with no judgments regarding alternate lifestyles, something I still believe in.
When I was just shy of my ninth birthday my parent's deaths were the reason and occasion for my move to Brixton and into Wayne Manor. Living with Bruce Wayne and his reputation has provided me with an entirely different perspective of sexuality than my parents would have continued to raise me with.
Bruce, now thirty-two, remains single and actively dating a variety of women. Though it's been suggested, in some cases strongly suggested that my being exposed to 'serial sexual encounters' will warp me or cause me to become cynical and callous regarding my own relationships with and feelings about women, I don't believe that.
The so called toxic environment I've been living in for the past eight years is, in fact, simply a home with people who care about one another as well as their day to day lives, thoughts, opinions and hopes, just like any reasonably non-dysfunctional home. While I've become used to seeing different women at the breakfast table with some regularity, I also understand that they are, for the most part, intelligent, educated women who understand where they—and I—fit in Bruce's life. They know that, in all probability the relationships won't last forever and seem to accept it pretty well. The usual comment is 'We're adults', as though that explains things and maybe it does—free will and all of that.
I reject the idea that I've in any way been harmed by this.
The on-going rumors which circulate regarding my and Bruce's relationship intrigue me.
The rumors, while garbage, are on-going. What's forgotten is that CPS keeps a close watch since my wardship with Bruce is a high-profile case. It would be exceedingly difficult to cover up or hide any kind of abuse, consensual or otherwise and it has never been a serious issue.
Be that as it may, I've struggled privately with my feelings for Bruce. He is, I think, unaware of this but it's easy enough to understand. I was raised (before my life with Bruce) in a tactile, close home where there was no censure regarding unconventional pairings. As I mentioned, I have no issues regarding alternate pairings. I also believe that we all have potential for same sex relationships. Some people have more potential than others and while I don't actively pursue the idea, neither do I completely rule it out. And having said that, I would be astonished if he were to be open to anything along those lines; he sees himself as my friend, mentor and father figure but nothing more. Most of the time, that's how I see him, as well.
Bruce was, and remains, in a very real way, my savior. When my early life was destroyed he came along and picked up the pieces. He provided and continues to provide anything I need, starting with the basics—a home, a roof over my head, food and clothing—and moving on through emotional support, encouragement and purpose.
I know that without him my life would be very different than it is now and so it's an obvious conclusion that my feelings for him begin and probably end with gratitude.
Add to that reality that Bruce is, by any definition, an attractive man. Gay or straight, it's a simple fact and when you add in my own emotional needs and, coming from the background of an openly affectionate and tactile family, it would be any easy jump to make the relationship a physical one. I admit to fantasies but—and I have mixed feelings about this—I would never jeopardize what I have now by advances which would not only be unwelcomed but would unalterably change our relationship for the worse. It's a nonstarter.
Sometimes, usually but not always when I simply don't see it coming, I'll be hit on. Generally it comes from a girl or woman, occasionally from someone male. When it happens, I find myself surprised and embarrassed by the usually unwanted attention. I also find myself suspicious about the reasons behind a grab or a phone number slipped into my pocket. It's no secret that I'm related to a wealthy man and I've seen too many examples of relationships of convenience, something I have no interest in, nor do I want to be used.
As to the loss of my virginity; I won't go into details other than to say it happened without trauma and was a positive encounter which happened during a vacation. The parting was both mutual and painless and we still see each other occasionally, though that part of our relationship is over.
My own sexual leanings are (almost) all heterosexual. I'm attracted to women, often older women and I don't believe that's any kind of attempt to find a mother figure, though that's been suggested to me. I find older women, women in their twenties, to be more interesting, more accomplished and better company than my peers. Am I involved with someone at the moment? No. Would I like to be? Yes. Is there someone in particular? Yes. Is she aware of this? I'm not sure, but I think so. Sadly for me, the interest doesn't seem to be mutual but I still hope for happily ever after and sometimes think that she would be the one I'd like to ride off into the sunset with.
Esthetically I appreciate an attractive person, no matter their age, race or gender. Whether that means I want to become involved with them depends on too many factors to really be able to break them down.
Who really understands why someone is attracted to another? Personality, looks, mutual interests—of course but I also believe that there has to be some other kind of connection; a spark, chemistry, call it whatever you want. Without that I'm not interested nor would I think anyone would be interested in me without that bond.
I'm comfortable with my own sexuality, in whatever form or forms it ends up manifesting itself. I want to think that I'm open to both love and friendship without prejudice. While I naturally lean to being heterosexual, I don't want ti close myself to what and whom ever I may encounter down the road. I assume nothing.'
Alfred placed the stabled sheets back on the floor, exactly where he'd found them.
6/28/10