EXISTING

"I'll just be out for a bit," he sharply whispered.

"But where are you going to be, James? I don't think its safe…" Lily answered, hushed.

"Sirius wants to try that muggle bar… Forgot what it's called…" She looked worried as he rolled his long wand around, around his fingers. "…but that doesn't matter! It isn't as if he'll find me there. Lily, you need not worry!"

She shook her head, biting her trembling lip as James grimaced. Through the crib's wooden bars a baby yawned, sitting up to look at his parents.

"I'll use my cloak. Sirius said he has a disguise-"

"Have Remus there too," she pierced, one hand on her green-sweatered hip.

James' eyebrows rose as he said, "You think he'll protect me or something? He has more sense than I do? Well he barely speaks to me since Harry came along-"

"-That isn't true-"

"-and I wouldn't want to be with him; he's acting a right coward git!"

"James! Language, please." Lily turned behind her, eyeing Harry. He was smiling up at her with a small and rigid white tooth poking out of his gum. "I think it's time you talked to Remus… I know he's a mess. Everyone's against him, including you-"

"-It's not the same thing-"

"-I don't care! You're his friend. He has no others. It's just you, Sirius, Pete, and the Order with him, and he hasn't come to the meetings as of late."

James heaved his chest up and down, throwing his messy hair back angrily, and glared at his beautiful wife, furious at the world. "I'll talk when he does. I want to leave this bloody house."

He lightly patted his son's head and grabbed his cloak from the dark trunk to the left of the nursery door. "I'll see you in the morning," James told her gruffly as Lily subconsciously moved her cheek for him to kiss. She cringed away immediately, unseen by James as he pushed his way threw the door and onto the stairs.

Lily did not say anything more. Nothing would make him stay. The front door slammed as footsteps muffled across the outside path. There was a light crack, and she was a stranded twenty-one year old, fifteen month old mother on the dying side of the war, all alone.

She fell to the rocking chair, dragging a hand to her forehead as a bit of tears fell down her face. Her child was gibbering to himself while she could not bring herself to do anything. She knew her life was at an end and that anything she did would not stop it.

Lily cringed; Harry let out a wail. A thud came from the street below. She left her chair, grabbed her wand, and crept to the window. It was only a neighbor, stumbling over Halloween decorations. Lily went back to her rocking chair next to Harry.

He looked at her with his big identical green eyes, as if he also knew that they had a limited time in the world. Lily scooped him from his bed and cradled him in her arms, her red hair falling onto his small and smooth head.

She buried her face into his small stomach and he laughed, ticklish. Lily felt a great guilt at the pit of her stomach any time she thought about her son and the future. Even if he ever did live to the age where he could walk without falling and talk without stumbling, why would he ever want to live it?

Lily was sick of it all, alone and old too fast, tired easily, with barely a start at an existence.