Meet the Pyro
by Jonathan "KnightMysterio" Spires
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Author's Note: Here's my take on what it could be like, presented in script format. All characters copyrighted to Valve and used without permission for non-profit amusement reasons. Yes, I believe Pyro is female and have written various pronouns accordingly. Engie/Pyro ahead, so apologies if you don't like it.
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Opening Scene
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(RED Pyro is out on the battlefield of Doublecross. She uses an airblast to reflect a critical rocket back at BLU Soldier, who gibs, and then uses another airblast to push a double jumping Scout off the nearby bridge. She finds BLU Demoman closing in on RED Engineer from behind and uses her flare gun to ignite him, chasing him down with Axtinguisher. After checking on RED Engineer to see if he's okay, the nearby dispenser refueling her, she turns back to the battlefield. She then looks around. She notes BLU Soldier, BLU Scout, and BLU Demoman's bodies, BLU Medic healing BLU Heavy, RED Demoman taking out the BLU Engineer, BLU Sniper, and her rival, BLU Pyro. But she notices someone is missing.)
Pyro: Whrr is... *gasps, as if realizing something, and then runs towards the intelligence room*
(BLU Spy is making his way towards the intelligence room, the sounds of fighting behind him. He looks around the corner quickly, and pulls out his disguise kit, muttering 'Just in case..." Disguising himself as RED Sniper, he heads towards the intelligence room, only to find RED Pyro coming around the corner at the same time.)
BLU Spy (as Sniper): Oy, Pyro. You see that bloody BLU Spy go through here? Wanker went ghost on me before I could kack him. *looks around, seeming annoyed* If that overgrown snail makes off with the intelligence then Solly's gonna chew me bloody ear off...
(RED Pyro seems suspicious, doing nothing, simply staring at 'RED Sniper.')
BLU Spy (as Sniper, nervously): S'matter, mate? *whirls, aiming his 'sniper rifle* You spot that blasted spook?
(RED Pyro slowly reaches up to her mask and removes the front air vent. BLU Spy turns and looks in shock when he hears Pyro speak.)
RED Pyro (voice is harsh, rasping, but sounds female): Funny thing about working with flames... You learn to recognize certain smells... And you don't smell like Sniper at all.
(As 'RED Sniper' tries to sputter an answer, RED Pyro quickly puts her frontal air filter back in and fires her flamethrower. BLU Spy's disguise is ignited as RED Pyro begins laughing insanely in her normal in-game voice, BLU Spy screaming in agony.)
Title Screen: (Normal 'Meet the Team' intro plays with 'Meet the Pyro' screen, which looks burned in several places and chopped up with an axe.)
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RED Base: Lounge
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(Entire RED team is sitting in the lounge, relaxing and celebrating after a victory. Pyro is sitting in front of one of the two TVs in the room, watching Star Trek, sipping a soda through her mask, her front filter laying off to one side as she drinks through a straw. Heavy is getting a big plate of sandviches and other snacks for everyone. Scout is on the couch, sitting with his feet up on the table and chugging from a can of Bonk!, but Heavy quickly pushes them off as he sets the plate down. Engineer is sitting a little ways away from the others, looking a little irritated, and strumming his guitar. Spy is leaning against a pillar, while Sniper comes over to the table the others are at while pouring a cup of coffee. Soldier is sitting at attention on a nearby chair, unable to fully relax even when he has reason to. He takes the coffee from Sniper once he finishes pouring and pours a cup for himself. Medic is sitting on the couch with Scout, fiddling with his Medigun, while Demoman is splayed over another couch, clearly drunk.)
Demoman (slurring): Another fine victory, lads!
Soldier: I'll admit, you maggots did better than you usually do. (smiles, pleased) Got some new heads for my collection as well.
Engineer (idly strums his guitar): Credit where credit's due, y'all. If Pyro hadn't noticed that the BLU Spy couldn't be seen and thought to go check on the intelligence, then we woulda lost.
Sniper (sips his coffee): No one's sayin' otherwise, mate. (turns and raises his coffee mug to toast Pyro, who seems engrossed in her show)
Heavy (chortles, picking up a sandvich): Yes, Pyro is great credit to team! Come, friend Pyro, and join the celebration!
(Pyro turns, as if considering, and shakes her head, watching her show again)
Scout (scoffs): Aww, let Mumbles have his fun. (ignores angry look Engineer gives him) Guy gives me the creeps, anyway.
Engineer (annoyed): You weren't so 'creeped out' when Pyro saved yer butt during the last Control Point run.
Scout (shivering): Yeah, I'm grateful for that. I'm also gonna be haunted by it for the rest of however many lives the Respawn gives me.
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Flashback
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(The map is Badlands. RED Scout is running ahead to check for Sentries, when a BLU Scout and BLU Soldier come around a corner, and spot RED Scout. He tries to run, but is cut off by BLU Soldier's rockets. BLU Scout then comes and smacks him in the face with Sandman before he can run in the other direction. RED Scout is cornered, BLU Scout and BLU Soldier looming over him and ready for the kill. Suddenly, BLU Scout goes down, RED Pyro viciously chopping him into bloody chunks. BLU Soldier tries to react, but RED Pyro ends up swinging her axe in an uppercut, gutting BLU Soldier. She then jams her flamethrower into BLU Soldier's guts and fires, flames erupting from BLU Soldier's eyes, mouth, and ears as RED Pyro laughs insanely. The scene switches to Scout looking terrified, a silhouette of RED Pyro killing BLU Soldier looming over him.)
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RED Base: Lounge
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(Everyone save Engineer looks a little unnerved by Scout's story.)
Sniper (hesitant): That... actually reminds me of something. We were on defense in a Payload run a few weeks back, and I was the only one who hadn't been sent to Respawn yet...
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Flashback
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(RED Sniper is perched on a bridge in Upward, picking off BLU team members as they try to move the cart. They try to fight back, Sniper deftly moving around to avoid getting killed after each shot. Finally, after RED Sniper takes out BLU Medic, the last three surviving team members focus on RED Sniper. RED Sniper manages to take out BLU Spy, but BLU Demoman and BLU Heavy manage to corner RED Sniper.)
BLU Heavy: Time to die, leetle baby man. (revs minigun)
(RED Sniper just glares, Kukri in hand, ready to face death head on, when RED Pyro, freshly Respawned, runs down and sets BLU Heavy ablaze. He panicks, and ends up stumbling off of the nearby cliff. BLU Demoman takes out Eyelander and tries to attack, but RED Pyro knocks him down with a swat from her axe and then jumps on top of BLU Demoman, grabbing him by the throat and strangling him, giggling shrilly all the while, as RED Sniper walked on.)
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RED Base: Lounge
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(Demoman rubs his own throat uncomfortably, he and Heavy casting wary glances at Pyro.)
Sniper: I enjoy my work. I freely admit that. But ol'Pyro... Bloke seems to get off on hurting people.
(Engineer says nothing, just smirked a little and strummed his guitar. Spy glanced at him, and sighed.)
Spy: Pyro... We know he is dangerous, and very good at his job, but we also know nothing else about him.
(Medic looks up at Spy, an eyebrow raised. He briefly smirks.)
Medic: From the zound of zat, it sounds like you have your own ztory to tell about our fire-using azzociate.
(Spy just puffs a cigarette, closing his eyes.)
Spy: It was in Badwater Basin where ze incident happened...
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Flashback
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(RED Spy is sneaking around cloaked, the gibbed bodies of his teammates nearby. BLU Demoman had gotten in a lucky barrage, taking out his team in a single attack. He stalks around them as they push the Payload cart through the tunnel, knife in hand, ready to take out as many BLUs as possible before getting killed. However, another RED has found them first: RED Pyro. She runs up to the bomb directly, and starts sweeping her flamethrower back and forth. Because the BLUs are so crowded into the tunnel, they can't escape or get around to shoot her, and die horribly, RED Spy watching on in horror.)
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RED Base: Lounge
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(Pyro, who had apparently been listening in, chuckles at this, startling everyone. They calm down after a moment, and turn back to their snacks.)
Scout: This is crazy. I hate not knowing what Pyro really is. Medic, you had to have seen Pyro without his suit on to get the ubercharge device in his heart. Spy, you... hell, I wouldn't put it past you to know everything about every one of us.
Medic: I am aware of who and what Pyro truly is. I am also aware zat Doctor-Patient Privelege means I don't have to tell you anyzing. Plus I like not being on FIRE.
Spy: Unfortunately, I know nozzing about ze Pyro. He has been very careful about guarding his secrets, and has burned every record of his existence that I know of.
(Scout facepalms and leans back in annoyance)
Engineer (shakes his head): Does it really matter? Yeah, Pyro can be a little... disturbing at times. But our firebug's been a big help to the team.
Heavy (curious look): You and comrade Pyro have been getting along quite well, lately.
Scout (chuckling): Yeah, you and Mumbles just might replace fatty & the doc here as the official couple.
(Medic gives Scout a cross look, but Heavy doesn't seem averse to the idea. Engineer just smirks.)
Engineer (sets down his guitar): Ah just know that Pyro's been a big help to me over the past couple'a weeks, keepin' Demos and Spahs offa my buildings. (gives team irritated look) Been more helpful than Solly in perticular.
Soldier: Are you implying that I haven't been doing my duty?
Engineer: Considering the number o'times mah Sentries and Dispensers have been fragged cause you or someone else wasn't watchin' for a Demo or doin' Spychecks...
Soldier: MAGGOT! I have given my all to this team and you and some mumbling freak won't...
(Soldier pauses as Pyro jams her flamethrower in his face, everyone else standing up with a start. He gulps nervously and slowly backs off, sitting back down. Pyro chuckles maliciously, her mask's front filter back in place.)
Engineer (grinning evilly): Y'all might wanna treat Pyro with a bit more respect. You never know when she might be the only thang that keeps you alive.
(Engineer picks up his guitar again and leaves, grabbing a few sandviches. Pyro eventually stops aiming her flamethrower at Soldier, picks up a couple of the sodas on the table, and sashays away after Engineer. Once the two are gone, everyone relaxes a little.)
Demoman: Not NEARLY drunk enough te be dealin' with you lot... *chugs his Scrumpy*
Scout (visibly stunned and confused): ...'She?'
(Everyone looks at Medic, realizing for the first time the pronoun Engineer used.)
Medic (sits back on the couch and casually eats a sandvich): Gentlemen, I'd advise you all to leave it alone. Pyro has her reasons for concealing her gender and her face, and if you pursue ze issue, I guarantee you shall be waking up in flames for a good long time.
(The others all look at each other nervously, as the scene and music change to the ending stinger, focusing on the Pyro this time.)
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BONUS!
Some fan-made Domination quotes I made for Pyro!
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Versus Scout
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Run as fast as you like, I'll still burn you to the ground!
Run rabbit! Before I cook you for dinner!
Dominated, rodent! Now BURN!
Your mother should stop buying you shirts that are so flammable! Haha!
You're so fast! So fast you're ON FIRE! HAHAH!
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Versus Soldier
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My flames burn hotter than your passion for war!
I don't need to burn a flag. I'll just burn you instead!
Here I thought Americans liked bonfires.
Hot enough for you, Sarge?
Rocket fuel makes for such a lovely fire...
Burn to cinders, Rocketman!
Time to turn your battlefield into MY INFERNO!
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Versus Pyro
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Sorry babe. Only room for one inferno on this battlefield.
Your suit is ugly! And so are you!
Speak up, fool. I can't hear you screaming beneath that mask!
Fireproof suit, eh? Not much help, was it?
I am hotter than you in so many ways.
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Versus Demoman
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One human Molotov cocktail, coming up!
All that alcohol makes you nice and flammable.
True art lasts. Your firecrackers are as impotent as you are!
Dominated, you one-eyed sissy!
You're just jealous 'cause I look better in a dress than you do in a kilt!
Welcome to Hell, Scotsman! I rule here!
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Versus Heavy
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And to think, no one lets me do any cooking.
Fried ham, ready for eating!
Mmmm, grease fires are among my favorites. So hard to put out...
Toasted sandviches! Delicious!
Can't do much with that oversized gun if it's too hot to hold, eh big guy?
Too hot for you? Go back to Siberia, you overgrown yeti!
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Versus Engineer
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Sorry gorgeous, but I'm not interested.
Oooh, those toys of yours make me hot! Hot enough to burn the world!
Those toys of yours aren't worth the slag I made them into!
Shame, really. But, burning before pleasure.
Dominated, handsome! Now make me a present.
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Versus Medic
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There isn't enough burn salve in the world for what I've given you!
Always did love the smell burnt rubber makes when it melts onto someone's flesh!
This is what you get for healing the burns I inflict!
Diagnosis: BURNED TO A CRISP!
This is one inferno you can't heal your way out of!
Your own fault for being caught alone, doc.
I love it when they can't fight back.
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Versus Sniper
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Hot enough for ya, mate?
That's what you get for standing still.
No matter where you hide, my flames can find you.
I love campfires! We'll use YOU as kindling!
Looks like I warmed up a cold sniper.
Mind your own head, you stinky little dingo.
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Versus Spy
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Burn forever, you cowardly sneak!
Nothing can hide from from my flames! NOTHING!
I. See. You.
Gotta love the materials in fancy suits. They ignite so easily.
Time to turn you into a real ghost, snail breath.
That cologne you wear... It makes you EASY to smell, even when invisible.
One, two, Pyro's coming for you...