For Garrett.
Still Conscious
Chapter 1
Anakin was one hundred percent conscious.
Which is more than what he could usually say for most of the missions he was sent on by the Council.
He knew they won the battle with few casualties. He had watched Obi-Wan sheath his lightsaber and Ahsoka raise her fist in triumph. He saw his troops blow the last Separatist Tank. Then somehow, Anakin was on the ground. He didn't know how he got there.
Obi-Wan hovered over him like a sun, refusing to let him get up. His hands held Anakin's head, one tight grip over each ear. Numb, tired, and frustrated that he wasn't allowed to check on his men, he huffed out half-hearted answers to Obi-Wan's stream of questions.
"Stay there, Anakin. This is no time to be stubborn," Obi-Wan scolded, but while his voice was stern, his eyes betrayed his emotions. He was terrified.
Ahsoka hovered over him as well, calling over med clones and a stretcher. Kix and Coric, two clones that Anakin felt he saw far too often, appeared in his line of sight. Both wore grim expressions.
Anakin reviewed the battle in his mind once more: he was standing at the celebration of the droid's retreat, but was on the ground when the transport ships appeared. The victory, the tank, on the ground. Obi-Wan bracing his head.
"Stay there, sir," Kix ordered when Anakin tried to stretch out his tired, tingling limbs. "Sir? General Skywalker, we need you to not. Move. Understand? We've got professionals coming to help." Anakin didn't understand why they were taking such precautions.
"What part of me is hurt?" Anakin's voice urgent. "I can't feel it."
There was a beat of silence.
Obi-Wan "Hmmd," which from many years of experience, Anakin knew wasn't a good sign.
Coric decided to break the silence.
"Sir, you went down with a hit to your back. Remember, sir?"
Anakin remembered no such thing.
"I'm fine, it must've not been bad. I'm still conscious, right? I'm just a bit tired, that's all," Anakin argued. How could he not know that he was injured? Surely, his body would relay the message to his brain that he was in pain. It always did.
Obi-Wan "Hmmd" again.
Anakin wished that Ahsoka would stop biting at her nails. It was making him anxious.
"Stop it, Snips. Don't chew your nails," Anakin said, for the first time turning his head to face her.
And that's when the pain started.
The professionals landed soon after Anakin was slowly moved onto the stretcher. Even with using the force, Obi-Wan could not painlessly move Anakin.
Anakin now knew why Kix and Coric kept warning him not to move.
Every movement, every twitch he made that involved his spine, made lightning-hot pain lace through his body. He was panting hard, trying to keep the burning, pinching sensation to himself. Ahsoka shouldn't see him like this. Ahsoka needed to see him be strong.
"Anakin, let the darkness come. Don't fight it," Obi-Wan coaxed, trying to get Anakin to relax, and to stop whatever horrid twitching movement Anakin's body kept producing. The twitching ensued an onslaught of agony stemming from Anakin's back, which would make him twitch harder. It was a vicious cycle.
Obi-Wan felt quite useless against it.
The professionals soon crossed the abandoned battlefield and surrounded Anakin, pushing the others out of the way. They pinned Anakin down and started standard first-responding procedures. Kix growled.
"I did that already! Move on from his heart rate and get him on your ship!"
The medics, while hostile from the clone's outburst, complied, lifting Anakin carefully and moving him toward the ship.
It wasn't until then that Obi-Wan noticed Anakin's young Padawan was still there. Her eyes were wide. Her fear was tangible.
"Ahsoka, there is no need to be afraid. Anakin is in pain, but the healers are well trained. He will pull through. There is no need to be worried," Obi-Wan said, ushering the Padawan to their own ship. "And when he recovers, we will be the first people there to greet him."
The girl nodded, but her mind was elsewhere.
Obi-Wan couldn't help but muse how similar the Padawan and her Master were when it came to things like this.
Ahsoka couldn't help but think that Master Obi-Wan was wrong.
Through her bond with Anakin, she could feel glimpses of his pain, and it tore her heart apart. And while she had gotten used to seeing her Master with a broken limb or two, a broken spine was a whole other level of scary.
People become paralyzed with less of a hit than what he took.
If he…no, she couldn't think about that.
Obi-Wan boarded the waiting ship with Ahsoka close to his side. Captain Rex was there, helmet off and guns disposed of. He stood when they entered.
"General Kenobi, Commander," he greeted. He waited for a second, waiting for Anakin's form to appear. It didn't. "Where's General Skywalker?" he asked after realizing that Anakin was not boarding. Obi-Wan pinched the bridge of his nose, already feeling a headache coming on.
"He took a hit from a stray piece of Separatist tank. The med corps are taking him back to the Halls of Healing. Which is where we plan on going as well. Would you inform the pilot, Captain?"
"Yessir, right away sir," Rex said, turning around to go alert the piloting clone. Before he entered the cockpit, he turned around. "He'll be alright, won't he General?"
"I sure hope so Rex, for all our sakes," Obi-Wan answered.
Anakin remained painfully conscious throughout the whole ride to the Halls of Healing.
"It burns," Anakin hissed, the medics acknowledging him with a cold nod but nothing else. The Force inside him pulsing angrily; a medcorp member had to duck a flying (thankfully empty) blaster that had flung itself into the air.
Anakin wished desperately that Obi-Wan was on the medcorps' ship.
Obi-Wan always made a situation better.
Without the extensive care that the Halls offered, the medics refused treatment until arrival. It was too dangerous to put Anakin out with drugs, too dangerous to operate or numb anything more than standard procedures. That simply meant that they asked Anakin to be able to grin and bear it until he fell unconscious on his own. Which his body stubbornly refused to do.
His body kept shuddering, reacting to the pain violently. Yet, the extent of injury he was facing hadn't quite registered. The burning, the heaviness in his limbs, the medics reaction all meant it was bad…though it all felt dream-like. Detached.
Anakin thought that he would be content if it always felt this way. He could live with the convulsing, burning, and heaviness; just not mind-crippling pain. As long as his head was clear, he could handle it.
The pilot called out "Fifteen klicks away, sir!" to the waiting passengers, who let out a collective sigh. Thank the Force, Anakin thought, shoulders drooping from both exhaustion and relief.
The short distance to the Halls of Healing was a very good thing, indeed.
Anakin was still conscious when they entered the atmosphere.
He was still conscious when the ship landed gently on the landing platform of the Jedi Temple.
He was conscious when Master Healer Che greeted him grimly.
He was conscious when the med corp rushed him through the Temple and into the Halls of Healing, and he was aware of every bouncing step they took. Watching the ceiling fly by made him dizzy, but every time he tried to close his eyes he'd get a snappy remark from a medcorp member to stay awake.
Master Che walked gracefully along side of the stretcher and Skywalker, ordering different things to be prepared and scolding Anakin at the same time.
Vokara Che was not a woman of comfort. She was a woman of action. And being a woman of action, it bothered her that no matter how much or how quickly of action she took, sometimes there was nothing she could do.
This seemed like one of those times.
A bacta tank could fix the problem quickest, but it was not a risk that she was willing to take. If Anakin's spine healed in the wrong place, it would have devastating effects to the Jedi. She had never done extensive research on paralysis, and what could be done about it…but she had a feeling that research such as that would be what her night consisted of. That, and keeping the young man still.
When Anakin saw the bright white emergency room's ceiling come into view, he couldn't help but grimace. The immediate transfer to the emergency room made his hopes crash brilliantly. In his mind, Anakin heard Obi-Wan's even voice, coaching him to relax and give his worries away to the Force. He imagined him shouting after him as he rolled through the last set of doors that quarantined him from the rest of the galaxy that he would be fine, and that Obi-Wan would be waiting with a good book when he was brought to a room. When Anakin twisted his gaze to look for the figure he assumed would be beside him though, there was only medcorp.
The very thought that Obi-Wan might not be there for him when he was in pain made his stomach twist.
Anakin felt the room swirl as he was lifted carefully off of the stretcher and into the air, hovering facedown above an operation table. His heart jumped into his throat.
Surgery.
Where was Obi-Wan now?
Vokara Che did not waste any time. With the knowledge that all of the testing had been done beforehand by the med corp, she lowered Anakin onto the operation table and strapped him in: a brace for his neck, braces for his arms, and braces for his legs. Not that they would do much but steady him. She was quite aware of the young man's affect on the room's objects when he was in pain. Sometimes, she was on the receiving end of his incredible, accidental powers.
She was not one to coddle her patients, either.
"Anakin Skywalker," Master Che began. "This surgery is not going to be a pleasant one. You are to try and control yourself as much as possible, for each movement made endangers your ability to walk. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Che," Anakin managed. With only the ability to stare straight at the floor, the galaxy was becoming more frightening with each passing second. He had no way of knowing when they would begin, no way to anchor himself to reality. The neck brace made it so that he could not move to the right or left. He was already starting to get anxious.
"Good. I will be giving you a simple anesthetic," Master Che stated. Already, Anakin felt the familiar pinch of a needle going into his skin. "And then, we will begin."
Anakin felt the needle leave, and he braced himself for the worst.
Despite the hour-long surgery to fuse his spine together, and the anesthetic given, Anakin remained conscious.
Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, along with Captain Rex arrived on Coruscant fifteen minutes after Anakin went into surgery.
Obi-Wan felt the moment Anakin was cut open, and through an attempted hidden grimace from Ahsoka, Obi-Wan knew that she felt it too. It bothered Obi-Wan why they could feel Anakin in pain. Surely, if the med corp was to perform surgery, they would have put him under…
Ahsoka was anxious. She bit at her nails, chewing away at raw fingers, wishing that she was by her Master's side. She hardly realized that she had chewed her nail to the quick, and blood was starting to pool.
"Stop it, Snips. Don't chew your nails."
Ahsoka's eyes went wide.
She felt a burst of pain come through her bond. Then it ebbed away. Obi-Wan looked at her, his expression hard to read.
"Shall we sit in the corridor, then?" Obi-Wan suggested.
Ahsoka nodded, following him into a large sunlit hallway with four chairs in a semicircle. Obi-Wan sat down in one of them, and Ahsoka followed his lead.
Obi-Wan gazed around the corridor fondly.
"I have spent far too much time here," he joked. Ahsoka didn't laugh. "It feels like yesterday when I sat here for the first time, waiting for Anakin to return to me." That sparked Ahsoka's interest.
"What had happened, Master?" she asked. Obi-Wan smiled.
"I had recently told the counsel that I would take Anakin on as my padawan. My master's – Master Qui Gon's – death was still fresh in my memory. I had taken Anakin out for a walk around the gardens when some sort of trap had been sprung. There was an explosion, and we were caught on the edge of it. I was hardly harmed, but Anakin had broken his arm in four different places. He was delirious with pain.
Nevertheless, Anakin first made sure that I was fine before he passed out. I was scared, truly, I was. I had lost my Master, and I thought for sure that I was to lose my Padawan as well. Master Che came and took him away. I had shouted at her, stormed the Halls of Healing and ordered the staff to take me to Anakin's room. They would not let me near him. Instead, they dragged me here. I sat for an hour, then two. No one came to get me to say he was awake. I was in this very chair when I thought that I learned to let go. I had convinced myself that I was willing to let the Force take Anakin from me. Now here I am, how many years later, still unable to do so?"
Ahsoka sat in silence, listening to Master Obi-Wan's story. She would have never guessed that the calm man in front of her had yelled at the medcorp and had to have been dragged away. She pulled her knees to her chest, and rested her head back on the chair.
"I'm frightened, Master. What if he…isn't the same when he wakes?" she asked. Obi-Wan stroked his still dirt-streaked beard.
"I do not want to make any promises I cannot keep," Obi-Wan started. "But your master is the most stubborn person I know. If he can't remain the same through a time like this, I'm not sure who could."
Anakin wished desperately for a break from the pain.
After hundreds of brisk answers of "its too risky" to Anakin's plea's for drugs, Anakin was about to the point where he thought that it was worth the risk.
But he didn't have much say in the matter.
Master Che had explained to him that she had never dealt with paralysis before. She would be scouring the medical files tonight, and if no answers were there, she would meditate to explore some possibilities. Until she came back with an answer, he was not to move.
"Do I make myself clear, Skywalker?" she said.
Anakin moaned softly before answering: "Yes, Master." He sure was sick of having to stare at the floor.
Master Che must have sensed what he was feeling.
"Should I send in Master Kenobi? Or would you rather be alone?" she asked, although no doubt she knew the answer.
"Obi-Wan," Anakin answered, hastily adding a thank you and a Master Che.
Vokara Che still wore her signature grim face, though Anakin could not see it.
"Do not thank me yet, Skywalker," she said. Then she turned on her heel, walking out the door to get Kenobi.
Obi-Wan was not Vokara's favorite person, though she tolerated him like many Jedi. Most of it came from his paternal instincts he had when it came to Skywalker. It simply was not the Jedi way. Yet sometimes, she felt herself experiencing the same feelings.
She never imagined herself getting as close to a patient as she was to Skywalker.
He was still so young, and yet he was constantly dragging his sorry self into her office with some other injury he expected her to miraculously heal. Her most frequent visitor—she practically reserved a bed for him in the Halls.
Which brought her back to Obi-Wan.
She did not even ask for his whereabouts, she simply strolled through the Halls until she reached a familiar corridor. Lo and behold, there was the man, and alongside of him was a young girl with a Padawan braid clinging onto her scalp.
Oh, so now young Skywalker gets to be the Master?
This was something new.
When Obi-Wan sensed Master Che's arrival he stood to greet her. Vokara nodded his way, but her eyes stayed on Ahsoka. A smirk flitted about her features. Obi-Wan cleared his throat.
"Master Che, it is good to see you. This is Ahsoka Tano, Anakin's Padawan. Ahsoka, this is Master Healer Che. She has been healing Anakin since he arrived here at the Temple."
"It's good to meet you, Master," Ahsoka said politely. Obi-Wan, satisfied with the greeting, went on to what he was really interested in.
"How is Anakin?" he asked. Vokara's smirk faded.
"His condition has not been improving. We had fused his spine back together with plates. In time, and with the proper research, I am willing to experiment with Force-fusion. If I fail to do so, Anakin's paralysis will be...lasting."
Obi-Wan had to sit back down.
Ahsoka let out a gasp.
Anakin. Paralysis. Permanent.
Obi-Wan sat for a minute, gaining his composer once more.
"Take me to him, please," Obi-Wan pleaded. Master Che inclined her head, and started walking back the way she came. Ahsoka stood as well, wanting to follow.
"Master Kenobi, please, let me come too." Ahsoka sounded desperate.
"No, young one. Stay here. I will return," Obi-Wan felt a twinge of guilt, but did not change his mind. Obi-Wan had a suspicion that Anakin wouldn't want her to see him as he was at the moment.
He just hoped that he would return to the girl with good news, and not bad.
Anakin sensed his old Master's presence long before he entered the room.
He resisted the urge to turn his head in anticipation, knowing that what Master Che had told him. Instead, he stared at the floor dutifully, reaching out with the Force to find his Master's whereabouts.
When he heard the door slide open, Anakin could have just about cried, he was so relieved. Everything would go back to normal now. Obi-Wan was here, and so that meant everything was going to get fixed.
"I've heard that you haven't been as much trouble for Master Che as you usually are," Obi-Wan teased. Anakin tried to get a glimpse of Obi-Wan out of his peripheral vision.
"I could say the same to you, Master. No kicking and screaming this time, I hope?" Anakin countered, his voice strained and cracking.
Obi-Wan didn't laugh, only answering softly: "No, no tantrums on my side of the spectrum." Anakin sensed his former Master walking towards him, then kneeling down. "How are you feeling, Anakin?"
Master Che spoke up. Anakin hadn't realized she had entered the room. "Before I leave you two to go scour the medical files, I would like to give the report to Obi-Wan without prying ears," Master Che said motioning for Obi-Wan to exit the room once more. "Now that you're anxieties have been satisfied."
Anakin sensed Obi-Wan nod, and they stepped outside. Focusing with all his will, Anakin zoned in on their conversation.
"…Skywalker is suffering from a T-11 spinal fracture. This is affecting his lower body, mostly his pelvis down, but also affecting some of his lower back. An injury like this usually results in paraplegia." Anakin heard Obi-Wan suck in a deep breath. "He has no voluntary control of his bowel nor bladder and will require manual assistance until his spinal fusion has healed properly. I am not a wishful thinker, Kenobi, but I am still holding out hope for Skywalker's ability to walk. I have confidence in the Force," Master Che finished the briefing, and without another word, she walked away.
"Now go in there and coddle him, Kenobi. Force knows you want to," Master Che shouted over her shoulder. Anakin didn't need to focus to hear that.
Obi-Wan stepped inside the door, and it coolly slid shut behind him.
"Oh, Anakin," Obi-Wan said breathlessly. "Paraplegia."
Anakin cursed the straps that bound his arms to the table.
His tears dripped loudly onto the floor, unhindered.
Obi-Wan placed a shaking hand over his mouth. Anakin, the Chosen One, paralyzed from the hips down. He had seen many Jedi wounded over the years; but, every time one was injured, a period of time with Vokara would be able to repair the damage enough guarantee the Jedi a relatively normal life.
But paraplegia.
Obi-Wan slowly looked down to where Anakin's head rested. A small puddle was forming underneath Anakin's nose.
Anakin was crying.
Obi-Wan sent up a silent prayer to the Force to keep him strong.
"M-master," Anakin choked out. "M-mas-ster I'm-m so sc-cared." He tried to control himself, give his worries away to the Force, stop the body-wracking sobs. "F-f-force everything burns." The realization hit him like a slap to the face.
Obi-Wan couldn't fix this.
Obi-Wan was helpless.
And now, Anakin was also. Manual assistance, even when visiting the 'fresher? His freedom was slipping out of his grasp.
"Anakin, you have every right to be scared," his Master said gently. He wished desperately that he could see his Master's face, make sure it was actually him – that he was actually there. "But fear leads to the Dark Side. You need to…" Obi-Wan's sentence faltered, then ended completely.
"I d-don't want t-to be paralyzed. The council w-won't-t keep a defec-cted Jedi Kn-night. What-t's gonna h-happen to Ahsoka?" Anakin couldn't help himself. Fear coursed through his every vein. Obi-Wan stayed frustratingly silent. "M-master, don't you c-care? I can't b-be a Jedi anymore! They'll send me back to Tatooine! I'll be a s-slave again!"
Obi-Wan could almost hear his own heart shatter. Anakin continued to cry, though his outburst seemed to be over. Obi-Wan knew that Anakin had trouble with giving his worries over to the Force, and meditation was not something Anakin excelled at. The shouting seemed to help, and for once, Obi-Wan didn't mind.
Obi-Wan looked around the room before coming upon what he desired. He stood from his kneeling position and crossed the room, grabbing the small object.
Anakin's voice was barely audible.
"You're leaving me?"
If Obi-Wan's heart wasn't already crushed, those words would have done the trick.
Obi-Wan knelt again, placing the object underneath the table and in Anakin's line of sight before he took hold of Anakin's limp hand.
"Never, Anakin. I will never leave you. Ever. Not if you're paralyzed, not if you're no longer a Knight, and not if they send you to the far reaches of the galaxy. You have my word, I will be right by your side no matter what," Obi-Wan finished, knowing that those were the truest words he could have spoken.
Anakin's eyes focused on the mirror now beneath him. He saw the determined look in his Master's eyes, and found that comfort was beginning to find him. That, and perhaps sleep.
"Thank you, Master," Anakin's lips trembled with relief.
Obi-Wan smiled, squeezing Anakin's hand.
"Now sleep, Anakin. I will be here when you wake."
Anakin, still hiccupping from his bout of crying, grumbled, "Don't wanna sleep." The opposite was true. He knew that Obi-Wan could tell he was lying.
"Would you like me to help?" Obi-Wan had done simple healing trances many times with Anakin. It had become almost a nightly practice during some parts of Anakin's life.
"If-f you would be so kind," Anakin replied.
Anakin watch in the mirror as Obi-Wan's hand came closer to him. His forehead was touched, and he could immediately feel tendrils of Force wrapping around him. He grasped at them, pulling them closer to his body.
And finally, beautiful unconsciousness.