A/N: Hiii guys! Welcome back to my little world of stories. I'm glad you decided to take another peak. I want to start by thanking to all those readers that sent their love and feedback on Begin Again. Second, I want to let everyone know that this particular story is completely different from what I've written before. It takes me a bit more time to write chapters because it has a level of maturity that honestly is completely beyond me, lol. But I have the help of an amazing writer, Milenys. You guys know her well, if you read the masterpiece it is 'It had to be him.' You know she is amazing. I run my ideas through her so you can be sure that I will do my very best with this story. A few things you should know before starting off, in this particular verse there is a lot of struggle with depression so like I said before I'm going to take a bit updating because I need to do a bit of research on the topic. Second, this is an Outlaw Queen fanfic, obviously but Robin's appearance in Regina's life will be different so sorry but this is going to be a slowburn. And third well enjoy. Feel free to send me your feedback, here or in twitter. I think that pretty much covers it. Without further a due, please enjoy…
-Janice
The road less traveled.
"We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that you now, may be the very reason why you don't something better." – C. JoyBell.
|xXx|
It is easy to allow yourself to be chained to the daily routine. Wake up, get dress, get coffee, go to work, return home, eat, take a shower, go to sleep and repeat the cycle all over again on a different day of the week.
And the next day.
And the next day.
Until you hit the reset button and it is Monday again.
A never ending cycle of boring repetition that doesn't take you anywhere. Never knowing when this endless rotation of repetition will finally come to a stop. Sleeping may be the only thing that's different every night, dreams that is. Some nights they are mellow and peaceful and other night they are just plain evil with a hint of spite and sadness.
That is how it has been for Regina for the last few years. Ever since she moved from New York to LA, her life has been a chain of same motions capable of making anyone insane. She wonders why she hasn't lost her marbles yet. How she hasn't been declared incapable of continuing this cycle that fills her head with nothing more than nonsense.
But about those dreams.
The peaceful ones involve a stranger. Kind blue eyes, soft but callous hands that with a single touch or a mere simple look, Regina, can see the secret of the universe and so much more beyond the walls she always built around herself to keep at bay anything that could hurt her.
The evil ones always involved Daniel. His death. The blood on her hands. That one faithful night that completely alter the course of her life, forever. It had been almost five years since his passing but the pain feels so fresh, her heart is raw and every night when he barges into her dream world is like salt is being poured on top of her heart and she relives that moment all over again.
It hurts each day a little more.
But life goes on, with or without her so it is best to get in the times and move forward. That's probably why she took the drastic decision of moving across the country where she didn't know anyone. A place where she won't have to endure the pitiful stare and condescending words that simply drove Regina into madness. A place where every pair of eyes she saw were brand new for her, eyes that didn't hold the same amount commiseration that drove her to leave in the first place. Everyone back home who knew about her, about Daniel, about the depression afterwards treated her like a broken doll beyond repair. But she isn't fragile, she isn't a ragdoll who can easily be destroyed by a pair of sharp scissors. Yet, it was getting hard to change people's mind. They had engraved in their heads that she is to be treated with tweezers with the utmost care in the world like she would shatter with just one look.
That just wouldn't cut it for Regina anymore.
One day she requested a transfer to anywhere where her face was considered of a stranger. The farther the better and well Los Angeles, California had an opening. So she took that chance and never looked back.
Five years later, she still felt stuck in the same loop of tiredness and repetition.
It hit her like a sense of restlessness that quickly slowed her down on daily basis. At first she didn't paid mind to it, probably because the work load was heavy (Comes with the territory of being a corporate attorney). But then, time off came and it only intensified. That feeling inside her chest compressed her heart and that is when the nightmares began. Regina wanted to blame it all on her past lover whose soul is resting in peace (or so she hopes) but even she knows that would be a selfish accusation. Putting all of her misfortunes on a dead person was far fetch, even for her. Mills has yet to discover what brought upon her such a heavy feeling, though she has her suspicions.
Loneliness.
Sadness.
Attachment to which is no longer there to be hold by her or be hold by him.
A sense of dread about the future.
Or simply the fear of being forever alone in the wide, vast world.
All good motives to feel like dragging her feet everywhere she goes but it was overbearing and it was imperative that feeling left her for good. How is she to make that happened? The answer will come when Regina least expects it.
Or at least she hopes.
|xXx|
Typical Monday morning spent in her office going through mountains and mountains of paperwork that slowly shrinks announcing that her job is getting done. Regina always been a hard worker. She learned her way around words and contracts from a very young again. Spending her time with her mother, Cora Mills and her business partner Ulysses Gold had taught her a thing or two about the business world. Oddly enough she enjoyed it despite the fact that Regina went head to head with her mother. Both Mills had a different approach on everything. Vocation, life and even in what color of clothing was suited best for them. Suffice to say they clashed in every aspect of their lives and Regina couldn't live with someone who's sole purpose was too pick on everything she did and what she didn't do. Come her eighteen birthday and her entrance to university, Regina was finally able to put some distance between them.
But not even then she could put distance between her insecurities that took root on Regina after years and years of being in her mother's prolonged cruel and unjust treatment. Leaving behind scars that never seem to heal. Regardless of that, in her work place, the brunette had made great use of all those skills that were learned from her mother; gaining her a full respect of her colleagues.
Tick, tock.
Tick, tock.
Another hour passed by as lunch rounds the corner. Regina had managed to get most of everything done and she feel very pleased with herself. As she closed the files and her laptop a knock is heard. Her head snapped up, brow raising up quickly. Usually everyone would just announce themselves to her secretary, Annie, but there always that one person who liked to forgo protocols and that person was none other than, "Malorie, you can come in." Regina spoke up, leaning back on her leather chair, an amuse look ready on her countenance. The door swung open, revealing a stylish blonde in a power suit and her trademark fedora resting upon her head.
Malorie Von Brandt, her business partner and oddly enough her best friend. They had met five years ago when Regina first came into the company as part of the legal department. The head of that department, the blonde in her presence, had gone all about the protocols the company uses before utilizing the legal resources. Over all, the Blanchard trading company had the greatest legal team any had seen before and naturally they jump the gun when Regina required a transferred from the Gold buffet in New York. Malia, or Mal for short, had invited the brunette for dinner the exact same day of her hiring. The human resources secretary, Ashley Boyd, had informed Regina that Miss Von Brandt did this to seize up the people that are to work with her. At first the brunette had felt slightly nervous, a welcome feeling to all the range of negative emotions she had felt. Why? Nerves are a way to wake you up. It was a way for your body to remind you that, in fact, you are alive and in need of something, a shot of adrenaline to keep that life pumping, and that was in fact what Mal made her feel. Alive and on her feet, exactly what she needed. Five years later they have become quite close, and even now Mal was a shot of fresh air even with the sarcasm, dark humor and her slight murderess intent that was rarely shown but really don't cross her. She isn't called Dragon Lady for nothing anyway.
"Your secretary wasn't on her station." Mal spoke with a suave tone, leisurely moving to one of the chairs in front of the oak desk where she sat down, taking off her fedora.
"That hasn't stopped you before from knocking on the door or simply barging in." Regina shot back, matter-of-factly, gaining herself a slight nod of acknowledgement from the blonde. "So what is it this time?" A perfectly manicured brow rose, her body swaying to accommodate herself better in her leather chair. The leather stuck to her skin and the harshness of it left red patches. Regina made a mental note to get a new chair before she gains a deformity.
"Lunch." The blonde simply responded.
"Lunch?" Regina echoed, "You usually send me a text for that. Why is it any different today?"
The way Mal's body bristled told the brunette that something happened and she wants to talk about it but first... "What did you do?"
"Nothing." She was quick to reply, actually a little too quick and it had Regina smirking, broad and knowingly, it could only mean one thing.
"Oh my God!" Mills exclaimed. "Cruella happened."
Color drained from her company's face but it was quickly recovered in a shade of crimson. Mal looked quite flushed and Regina started to enjoy it, immensely. "That's none of your business, Miss Mills." The blonde shook her head, standing up quickly but not without grace. "So lunch yes or no? Or should I tell Sidney that you finally accept going out with him?" Now it was Mal's turn to smirk while Regina fixed a glare on the other woman. Sidney Glass was probably the most annoying of her co-workers. Every day for the past five years he had invited Regina out and every day she had politely declined. You would have guessed he would take the hint by now but he returns with a fresh wave of determination each and every day. Though Regina had to command him for that, his dedication of making something happen was as strong as iron. Too bad Regina had closed off her heart on that particular front (And many others) forever.
"That's low." Regina muttered, her too standing up from her place with an exasperated sigh. "Let's get something to eat." The brunette picked up her things, phone, purse and sunglasses, before making sure everything else was on its place. The computer was off, the files were neatly organized and her meetings were right on schedule, so going out to eat was possible.
"It is your own fault." Malorie announced with a smirk as she put on her fedora once more. Regina tilted her head, looking at her friend with narrow eyes. Lunch is bound to be interesting indeed.
"Whatever." Walking around the desk, Mills placed the strap of her purse over the right shoulder, topic already forgotten. "So the usual place?" When Malorie shook her head no, Regina rose her brow, sign that the blonde was quick to read and explain. "My friend opened a restaurant a few weeks ago and I was waiting for the buzz to dial down before going." She explained whilst walking to the door, dainty hand reaching for the knob. "It is Mediterranean cuisine so it should be an interesting afternoon."
Mills simply shrugged, following behind Mal without any type of complain to which Malorie had to comment on.
"You are just going with it?" She asked, her tone half amused, half curious. Regina had a thing against changing things. She only accepted the changes that were extremely necessary, moving to LA was one of them and it was a good one. At least now she isn't drowning in the shadow of memories that will never be again. But other type of changes like the brand of cereal she eats, the sleeping on a stranger bed or ever this mere act of changing restaurant for just one day she felt uncomfortable with. Nevertheless, Regina doesn't fight, not with Mal anyway.
"Do I have a choice?" A brow quirks up like a perfect work of art. "I'm going to end up doing it anyway. You are a bad influence."
Malorie laughed wholeheartedly, shaking her head in amusement. "You just can't say no to me." Her hands shot up to fix her fedora –more like to make sure it was perfectly in place –shoulders slumping a bit.
"Let's just go before I change my mind."
"As you wish Your Majesty."
|xXx|
"Gezz, for being a few weeks opened, it sure is full." Mal commented as they sat down on one of the tables that were beside the window. It had taken a good fifteen minutes to get to the restaurant. It wasn't very far from their workplace and Regina relaxed. Their favorite place to eat was relatively far but the food was so good that she never fought against it but knowing this place was closer by, sent relief coursing through Regina's veins, still it was a new place there was a little thorn of restlessness within her.
"I can see why." Regina accommodated her skirt after draping one leg over the other. "Oddly enough, you can feel like you're in the middle of the forest." And how couldn't she? All the shade of green around the place, the wooden tables and chair, the painting of trees and more tree on the walls gave it a unique aura. It even smelt like forest in here and she vaguely wonders how does she even know that? But she likes the scent. It is calming and she finds it that any trace of anxiousness left her, just like that. Though, Regina's words had caught Mal by surprise, actually her whole demeanor did and she wondered what would happen if her two friends, the restaurant owner and Regina met. Maybe that should occur. The blonde's train of thought was interrupted by a waitress (Though she didn't look like one and she looked quite familiar.) with far too much enthusiasm for her taste but she supposes it is part of selling.
"Welcome to Valiant Hoodlum." The brunette smiled to the pair, "I am Belle and I'll be your waitress for the afternoon since all our waiters are booked. Here are your menus."
Mal called it.
Regina nodded at the brunette, already opening the menu to take a peek inside. The array of dishes surprised Mills, and it was hard to pick one but the moment she reached the pastas she was sold. "I will have a Pesto Di Basilico with a glass of wine." She closed the menu afterwards she handled it back to her waitress.
"Excellent choice." Belle chirped, taking the menu back. "That is the specialty here. The owner supervised all the dishes but that particular one has his own secret recipe. You are going to love."
Regina didn't say anything, just nodded, something akin to a smile taking place on her lips.
"Then I'll have the same." Mal gave the brunette the menu back. "Also, is the owner here?"
Belle shook her head. "Sadly no. My brother is on a sabbatical."
Ah she knew the girl was familiar.
"When is he returning?" The blonde asked.
"We aren't sure. He asked me to send him a few things. Right now he is in India so god knows when he's returning." Belle gave the pair an apologetic smile. "I'll go place your orders. I'll be back with wine." The younger brunette left the pair alone.
Regina could see disappointment colored her countenance. It was strange to see Mal like that, she had low expectation on human being to be honest and she rarely got disappointed, save with her daughter but that didn't occur much. "What's wrong?" Mills asked, leaning back into her chair that was surprisingly comfortable.
"I'd hope to see him today." A beat of silence passed through the pair. "I suppose my luck is lacking."
Oh wow, that's something you don't hear every day.
"An ex-lover of yours?" Regina suggested nonchalantly, feeling a tinge tense? Nah, it is just her imagination.
Mal gawk at the brunette for a few seconds, not really quite sure what gave Regina that idea but then she laughed, brushing it away. "He wished." The blonde muttered with a grin. "He's just a really old friend. Haven't seen him in years. The only reason I even knew he was opening a restaurant was because he called me about a month ago. You see, if you didn't notice by his sister accent, they aren't from here." Regina 'ohh' softly, but not in a mocking matter. The brunette found herself quite interested in her friend's story. So she nodded softly, prompting Malorie to continue. "We met about fifteen years ago when I went to London on my first actual vacation. He's a photographer, a free spirit really. When we met, he was taking pictures of every woman he lay eyes on. When he took my picture I was so angry but he apologized and decided to erase the photo. We got to talking and realize he was actually quite a nice guy who didn't run away from my bad tempter." Mal laughed as the memory ran through her head like a kodek moment. That was one of her favorite vacations ever. She got to know London behind Robin's camera lense and it gave her a unique experience that would never be repeated, and it never was. "After that we kept in contact. We talked every day and even video chatted but after he fell in love and I started working for Blanchard things gotten hard to keep in contact but we try to talk once in a while."
Regina was genuinely perplexed. She known Mal for five years now but this was actually the first time, ever, that had heard the blonde taking so carefree. It was like her friend had been transported to that memory she was speaking off and that young soul took over her body for the briefs minutes she reminisced about that particular life changing moment. Mills wanted to ask his name, to get to know the person who made Malorie be so light.
Well that was new.
But alas, she was interrupted by the same brunette with a cheerful voice.
"The best wine." She filled the empty glasses on the table.
"Don't tell me Sequoia Grove Cambium." Mal rose a brow in tandem with her glass, giving it a slow swirl.
Belle brow rose to her hairline, nodding softly. "Yes, exactly. Are you a wine connoisseur?" She asked placing the bottle down.
"No, but I know your brother well enough to deduce." She laughed.
And Belle grinned. "I keep telling him that's a bottle you share with a lover but he keeps insisting that the best bottle you share with a lover is the one the lady chooses." The brunette sighed. "At least chivalry isn't dead."
Regina looked at the both of them, speaking like they've known each other since forever and she begins to wonder about that man they both have in common in their lives. Must be quite the amazing person to have such high regard with her friend that sometimes seems too cold, unnatural to the world just like a dragon.
"Regina?" She heard the blonde call, and the brunette shook her head. Regina must have been spacing out because the worried expression etched to the woman across her said as much.
"Yes?" Mills responded back in the singular tone of a question and Mal sighed.
"I asked for your opinion on the wine." Straightening her back she added, "You are the only other person I know who has exquisite taste in wine. I wanted to know your honest opinion on it."
The brunette 'ohh' softly, taking a sip of her crimson liquid, this time actually paying attention to the rich taste it provided for her taste buds. It had a firm feel to it. Not to astringent, just right. The perfect blend between the fruits and tannin. Regina would dare to say it was rather perfect for her. "This is actually quite nice." She muttered, placing the glass down on the smooth surface her hands safely tucked over her lap. Her eyes traveled from the blonde sitting right across her and the beautiful brunette beaming at her with excitement.
"No one could ever resist it." Belle announced, feeling quite proud. "When it comes to wine, my brother is quite talented." As if something came into her mind, the brunette stood up straight, bobbing her head. "I need to see if your food is ready." With that said, Belle left the two woman alone.
Regina could feel Mal looking at her intently, like there was a question running wild in her head waiting to be called forth by her red lips so before Mal had a chance to do so, the brunette stood up, fixing her pencil skirt. "I'll be right back. I need to use the ladies room." That didn't mean Malorie was going to give up on what she had in mind, but it would give Regina time to compose herself.
"Fine don't take too long there is something I wish to discuss with you."
Mills simply nodded, heading to down the path that would lead her to the restroom.
As she strode down, the brunette bumped into one of the waiters that was carrying a box.
"I'm so sorry." The boy, no older than nineteen apologized and Regina wave a hand dismissively and the boy smiled, resuming his journey to whatever part of the restaurant he was heading. With a soft sigh and pinched of her nose, Regina was about to head into the bathroom when something on the floor capture her attention. Kneeling down, she picked it out quickly giving it a quick scan. It was a leather bound book of some sorts, with the initials 'RL' and the words 'Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity.' engraved on the front.
"Must have fallen from that box…" She muttered, already prepared to find the waiter and returned it but the softness of the leather and the way her fingers almost affectionately ran over the letters filled Regina with curiosity. Maybe peeking inside won't be so bad, right?
She quickly entered the bathroom, locking the door behind her before unbounding the leather lace keeping the book closed. The moment she opened it she realized it wasn't a book but rather a personal journal. The same letters from the front were written down at the corner of the first page, a rather pristine calligraphy capturing her attention. Regina knows she shouldn't be prying in other people's business like this. That she should simply return it to its rightful owner but the moment she read the first sentence Mills was hooked.
October 13, 2010
Death is a funny thing you know. It hurts so much to see someone you love go, but knowing how much that person was suffering in life thanks to a terminal illness, somehow death, gives you some sort of peace. I don't intent to romanticize it like so many before me have already done, I lack the words to do so although I don't like the pain that is every day more incrusted in my soul. Now that I think about it, these words feel like they are coming from dead man making it's way in the living world but I'll be honest, it isn't like that at all. True watching her die, watching the light in Marian's eyes disappear killed me in some degree and I will never deny the pain that brings into my life but that same day was when I as reborn again.
Rebirth by death… Quite funny indeed.
For a while I was lost, and I really didn't understand her last words for me.
Move on.
Explore that vast, infinite world.
She told me to do all those things I've been dying to do. (I know, poor choice of words.) To simply make her proud by being happy. By finding love again and living life to the fullest. No regrets, no looking back not even to take impulse. To simply gathered the courage to begin again in a world ruled by fears and darkness. To put my hand in the grasp of freedom and allow the breeze to take me flying like the clouds in the sky.
And I intent to.
Today marks two whole months since Marian's passing and I am finally ready to pick up my bag, safely tuck this leather journal under my arm and begin my new adventure as a gypsy. Time to discover who I am. Time to discover a whole new world full of possibilities with my very own eyes. I am ready to leave the past behind, I am ready to fall in love with life.
The moment Regina finished reading that first entry, of many, her heart hammered hard against her ribcage. It was like she was seeing the light for the very first time in forever thanks to simple words written down with such fervor. There was someone out there, living life to the fullest, pushing back the darkness that death brings into someone's life. Ready to pick up the pieces and create a brand new picture, a brand new masterpiece. She vaguely wonders if she will ever be brave enough to do something so radical like that. Leave everything behind and simply live. She did something similar, moving to LA was a big step for her but she only really did it because she had a job waiting, an apartment.
A safety net.
Mills never, ever did something out of character. To dance the whole night away or kiss a stranger to never see again. She always kept herself behind the line where her safety features would kick in if anything got too rough. Regina hasn't ever tried to fall in love with life again.
A knock is heard behind her, making the brunette jump a tinge. How long has she been inside the restroom? Shaking her head and putting the not too big journal inside the pocket of her blazer, Regina washed her hands and made her way out. There was a woman waiting once she opened the door, the brunette gave a terse smile before moving out of the way and heading to the table.
When she arrived where Mal and her were seated, the food had already arrived and just at the nick of time. Oddly enough, Regina felt quite hungry all of a sudden. Maybe it was the emotional stress that had her wanting to eat more (Which is weird, normally it was the other way around.) but whatever it was, the brunette was glad. The moment she sat down, the blonde looked at her with a raised brow.
"Took you long enough. I was afraid you got flushed down the drain." She reached for her silverware before adding. "Belle said the bottle is ours to take if we so desire. I say we take it, wouldn't want Robin to call me out for not taking his generous offer."
Regina's eyes flew up in an instant at the mention of that name. "Robin?" the brunette inquired with curiosity.
"Robin of Locksley, the owner of the restaurant and Belle's brother."
Robin Locksley… RL… It couldn't be, right?
Regina was in possession of Robin's journal.
She should say something, give it to his sister to return. Her hand flew to her pocket, grasping the journal tight in her hands. No, not yet.
Mills finds herself unable to do the right thing. For some inexplicable reason she wants to keep reading. To know this man more and feel that exact same feeling she experienced upon reading that first entry. She expelled a breath, letting go of the little life story in her pocket and starting to eat.
Malorie studied Regina's behavior intently, wanting, desperately so, to know what's going inside her head but knowing well how reserved Regina is, it would take some time to get to know more. So she cleared her throat, placing down the fork.
"Oh there is something I need to inform you off." The blonde began, dainty fingers wrapping around the of the wine glass which she takes a generous sip off. Regina simply nodded, acknowledging that she is listening to her friend as she continues eating. Mal is aware that her friend won't like what she is about to say, but the more she stretched this the worse it would get. "Leonard Blanchard is demanding you take vacation time."
Regina froze for a moment, raising a brow in the brunette's direction. "Demanding?" She placed down the silverware, leaning back into the chair. "He may be my boss but he cannot demand anything of me… Especially when I know the tone he used when he first spoke to you about this." She shook her head. "I will take them when I see fit, not when he wants me to."
"Regina you know well you aren't in great terms with him." Malorie supplied with an annoyed sigh, to this day she remembers how Regina walked into her office positively fuming thanks to Leo.
"Well, he should know better." Mills said with an annoyed tone of her own. "He is lucky I haven't accused him of arrestment."
"Case you would lose. He has the money to buy a judge."
"But his reputation would be ruined." She shot back with a loud groan. And there goes her appetite.
"Just take the vacations." The blonde tried to convinced her friend but Regina was too stubborn to bend her arm and say a simple 'yes'.
"No!" Regina exclaimed with a finality in her voice that told this conversation was over. But she added one last thing, "And if he brings this up again then he can consider giving me my liquidation because I'll quit and he will have to look for a better attorney than me. Easy as pie."
It isn't like she hasn't thought about it before. Quitting her job in the Blanchard company has been on her mind for a while. Is not like she needs the money anyway, she needed her time to be filled so she won't notice the loneliness she is living in but it didn't matter, working didn't made a difference so maybe just maybe this is a wakeup call. Time to get rid of everything weighing her down. To pick up her things and simply leave. She thought of the journal in her pocket, burning a hole in her blazer and she wondered…
Can she be like Robin? Pack her things and go on her own personal journey? To get to know the world, to get know herself better? Can she be brave enough to cut the strings that attached her like a puppet to darkness and go in search of a breath of life, of light?
"You know what?" She said after a long moment of thinking in silence. "Let him know I'm quitting. I'll send him a week notice letter so he can start his search. I'm tired of him."
I'm tired of this life and it is time to finally be reborn again.