***Disclaimer: Due to many reviews that are stories are gross and that I need psychological help, I've decided to go back to Home Improvements roots with an award winning story!***

Title: Tim the Asphyxiate Man Taylor

It starts off at the Taylor home, Jill is cooking dinner for the family and Tim is just getting home from a long day at work.

TIM: Hello family!

Nobody responds. Jill just looks at him and shakes her head.

JILL: Tim you're late…again!

TIM: Honey, I have to provide for this family one way or another! I had to stay late to finish this project me and Al have been working on. What's the matter? Dinner isn't even ready yet?

JILL: It's the principle, Tim. Your boys are deeply disappointed.

Tim looks at his 3 sons and they are all shaking their heads at him.

TIM: What is going on, SHEESH! I work my butt off all day to provide for this family and this is what I come home too?

*audience laughs*

Tim walks upstairs to change and take a poo. While he's taking a crap, he sees a rubber band and a plastic bag near the toilet paper. He grabs it with a smile on his face, puts the plastic bag over his head, ties the rubber band around his neck, and starts poopsterbating. Poopsterbating is masturbating while pooping.

Jill comes upstairs to find a motionless Tim. She calls 911, but the Emergency team on the scene, tell her he died of asphyxiation while poopsterbating. Jill and the kids are all in tears.

During the funeral, they had an open casket, but the people at the funeral home didn't remove the bag or rubber band around his neck, so he still had those on during the wake. Everyone said their goodbyes and a tearful Jill tells the funeral home that she wants him cremated and that she and the kids want to watch.

So they lead Jill and the kids downstairs, say their final goodbyes, and toss his motionless body in the oven. They crank it on full heat. Tim wakes up and starts screaming.

TIM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OAAGGHHHH OOAAAAGHHH OAAAGGGGHHHHH!

*audience laughs*

JILL: Oh my god! He's alive! STOP THIS THING!

FUNERAL HOME GUY: Sorry ma'am, but we can't.

JILL: Ok.

TIM: Get me OUTTA HERE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tim's body is melting and the kids are watching their father burn alive. They watch as his skin melts and drips off of his face. They watch him scream in pain. They watch.

Jill takes his ashes and flushes them down the toilet.

THE END