Insight

by LovelessDestiny

Clint/Phil, slash. Clint and the Avengers aren't, well tuned, especially after Phil's brush with death, so Loki tries to makes amends for his deeds during the attack. He decides that the Avengers should know about Clint's past and the reasons why Clint Barton has become the man they came to know. Had finally time to correct the formation error, sorry

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rating: T, just to make sure.

Pairing: Clint/Phil

Warning: Violence, child abuse, sexual abuse, intruding Clint's mind.

A./N.: I wanted to write a story about how Loki makes Thor understand what he feels, that was year ago and I still haven't written it. But while I thought about a knew story for Clint and Phil my muse told me to use the idea. I still have the option to write a Thor/Loki prequel one day.

I hope the story is okay.

Thank you Bookdancer and Alyssandra Svit-Kona, for pointing out the formation error.

I absolutely don't know what happened there.

I'm not working full time anymore for a while due to some ...kind of burnout, so I have time to do such things sooner, for a while.

Thank you for your patience.

Please enjoy :)

::::::::::::::

Nothing was the same after Coulson's brush with death, the Agent had to accept that his part in forcing Stark, Rogers and Banner into the Avenger initiative had far reaching consequences.

Barton and Romanoff had, somehow, managed to end up as part of the initiative and Phil knew how much they hated to be around strangers, that made it rather unsurprising that Fury's efforts to blend a team went south and that pretty fast.

So it was Coulson's main problem now, to make a real team out of his new fosterlings.

Tony, Steve and Bruce managed to form a amiable bond and they worked like friends but unfortunately it didn't apply to Barton.

Natasha kept her distance but it seemed she was fond of the strange bunch of heroes.

Captain America described her as distant but likeable.

Clint on the other hand was described as sassy and intolerable, even though they barely saw him all day.

Phil had been happy to get permission to return home after his long stay at the hospital and he looked forward to be reunited with his friends.

Stark, Rogers and Banner had been thrilled to see him.

They yelled at him for causing them grief but after the lecture they spoiled him rotten with affection and their friendship.

Natasha had hit his shoulder and cursed in Russian before she gave him a hard glare.

He prepared himself for more cursing but instead of yelling she pulled him into her arms, muttering how much she missed him and what an idiot he was.

The person he wanted to see most wasn't there to greet him and Phil needed a week to hunt Barton down.

The man kept his distance and didn't say more than absolutely necessary.

It was so unlike Clint, normally he would invade Phil's personal space and talk to him about this and that.

Three months passed since he joined the land of the living and he still had no idea how to resurrect his battered friendship with Barton.

"Mission accomplished, sir" Barton handed over his mission report.

"Good" he looked up from the file and suppressed the urge to roll his eyes "Have you visited medical, yet?"

"I'm unharmed, sir. There is no need for a checkup" Clint had missed the other man, dearly. They worked together for years, they fought together, they shed blood together and they flirted with each other.

Clint was sure there was something between them, that they could have been more but neither of them had the guts to ask for more.

And then the older man was gone, faking his death.

Clint put his trust in Phil because Phil was a great man, honest and caring.

But he was obviously wrong to trust the other man, he wasn't better than Fury or Hill.

He twisted Clint around his finger, coaxing all his trust and devotion out of him until there was no need for Hawkeye anymore.

"It's an order" Phil's tone hardened.

"Yes, sir" Clint lowered his gaze, he loved the other man and his betrayal hurt.

There was no other way to describe what Clint felt.

Coulson betrayed him, Fury betrayed him.

Fury betraying him wasn't too surprising, though, but Coulson betraying him rocked his believes.

Clint turned around to leave as he heard Phil move "I'm coming with you" the older man said.

Phil's movements sounded different since his return, slower and heavier, not by much but still noticeable for the archer.

Phil brushed his hand against Clint's and he could feel the younger man flinch away "I'm sorry Clint"

"There is nothing to be sorry for, sir" that was a lie and Clint knew that Phil knew that, too.

"I had my orders but there is no excuse for not contacting you after I regained consciousness" the older agent stated, it wouldn't have been the first time he bent, or even broke, orders for Clint.

"It's okay, I understand" Clint said before he entered med bay "Hey doc, Agent Coulson says I need a checkup"

The medical staff groaned at Hawkeye's arrival but after a deadly glare from Coulson they began to fuss over the archer.

"He almost got gutted by a giant crocodile" Phil informed them.

"You're exaggerating, sir" Clint avoided his handler's gaze.

A nurse helped Clint out of his shirt and the sight wasn't pretty "Exaggerating, Agent Barton?"

"It's a scratch" Barton wanted to be alone.

"Almost 6 inch" Coulson narrowed his eyes and used his best don't-talk-back tone of voice "How deep doctor?"

"No need for stitches" the doctor cleaned the wound, Clint hissed at the burning sensation "See, not gutted"

"That's why you're in pain?" Phil noticed how Clint tensed the moment the doctor touched the wound.

"I'm fine" he had missed that. The feeling that someone cared but Phil didn't care for real.

He just cared because he had to.

"You are not" Phil's tone softened.

They remained silent after that.

:::::::

"I want you to move out" Tony threw up his hands "We are a team and when you can't do that you can just as good leave"

That was what Barton was waiting for, Phil sighed inwardly.

He pushed and pushed until he was left alone.

It reminded Phil of their first job together.

Fury assigned Clint to him because no one wanted to put up with the kid and SHIELD had put too much money into his training to liquidate him.

Clint had pushed and pushed until he realized that Couslon wasn't going anywhere.

He gave his best to show Barton that he was worth something, that he wasn't just an asset to Phil but rather a consultant and friend instead of just a dumb marksman.

"Calm down, Mr. Stark" Coulson tried to save the situation.

"It's fine, sir. Nick wouldn't let me leave on my own accord" he smirked at Phil and the older Agent wanted to hit his archer.

"You behave like an asshole just because your boss won't let you move out?" Tony yelled.

"No, I am an asshole. Ask whoever you want at SHIELD" Clint corrected.

Steve crossed his arms in front of his chest "What is wrong with you?"

Barton huffed "A lot of things" they couldn't figure out what the look on his face meant but Phil could.

"Your coming with me" that was an order.

"Coulson" he sighed "I don't think that's a good idea"

"Negative, it is a good idea" he hoped he wasn't digging his own grave with his order "Get your stuff and meet me here in 10"

"Yes, sir" Clint seethed, the older man was doing it again. He did as if he cared, as if nothing changed between them.

"What are you going to do with him?" Steve asked.

Coulson didn't reply "Romanoff make sure he doesn't run" he nodded in the direction of Clint's room.

"I asked you a question, Agent Coulson" Steve repeated "We can't work with him when he doesn't want to"

"Give me some time to pursue damage control" Phil wasn't sure how much he could tell them "Agent Barton is a difficult person. He has serious trust issues and my alleged 'demise' added more issues to his already long list of problems" he had thought a lot about Clint and why he did what he did.

Phil considered everything he knew about the man and added the information to the conspicuousness the archer showed since his return.

Phil came to the conclusion that he had betrayed his friend.

He talked with Natasha about his suspicion and she agreed, in addition to that she told him that she suspected that he refused to get along with his teammates because he doesn't want to get hurt again.

Phil was the most important person for Clint, even a little more important than Natasha but that was just because he was in love with his boss, but that wasn't Natasha's secret to tell.

"Does that mean he is a life-was-oh-so-mean-to-me kind of guy?" Tony mocked.

They all had hard lives.

Coulson's eyes narrowed and Tony came to the conclusion that it wasn't smart to insult Barton in front of Coulson "Easy to say as a billionaire, playboy, philanthropist"

"Ouch" Tony noticed the venom within the words.

"Tony cut the crap" Steve was worried they would engage in a fistfight in case their banter went on.

"Ready to go, sir" Clint appeared in the doorway.

"Tony checked his watch "8 minutes?"

"I thought you were kidding" Steve gave Phil a surprised look.

Coulson knew that Clint barely owned anything more than the clothes on his back "See you tomorrow, Mr. Rogers"

::::::::

"You can have the bed tonight" Phil offered after he stored Clint's belongings away.

"Sir, what am I doing here?" he thought he would return to the helicarrier. Clint liked the room he had on the ship, it was his home for most of the time he worked with SHIELD.

"Living here" the older man stated as if Clint asked the most stupid question he ever heard "I owe you the rent for almost six months" he kept his tone light and teasing.

"I have a cozy little nest on the helicarrier" he didn't want to be at Phil's home and ignored the fact that Phil knew he kept the apartment, it wasn't surprising that the older man knew.

Coulson knew anything, always had.

"We reassigned the rooms" Phil stated "but I would have ordered you to live here anyway"

"Why?" he wanted to hide.

"Because you're my friend" Phil said nonchalantly "and I want you to be safe"

"You have a funny way to show how much you care" was it a new game? Did Coulson need him for something?

"I know that I betrayed your trust" the statement shocked Clint to the core "I know you, Clint. I know your file, I know what you told me and I know what I saw during our years as a team"

"I take the couch" he couldn't believe that Phil truly cared so he did what he did best.

He ran, not literally because Phil would have hunted him down and order Natasha to beat him up, but he backed out of the conversation.

"We can take turns or share" Phil offered "We shared a lot of times"

"I won't let you sleep on the couch, you still suffer from your chest wound and your back does not appreciate the lack of space. And it's your bed, you have every right to sleep on it. I'm your guest, the couch is mine" he ignored the fact that they could share.

They had to share in the past and it was always a hard task to keep his hands away from Phil.

Coulson took a deep, frustrated, breath and followed Clint into the living room "Beer?"

"Yes, please" he could use a drink. He would have preferred something stronger, though.

Phil handed over the beer before he settled down next to Clint on the couch.

They sat there for two hours, watching bad T.V. shows and pretended that nothing was wrong.

They pointed out a fact or error within a show once in a while but their conversation never went beyond that.

:::::::::

Clint woke up the next morning with a bad case of sore neck muscles.

The couch was hell "How was your night?" he heard Phil's voice.

He opened his eyes to see the older man in the doorway, only dressed in sweatpants.

Clint felt a warm sensation close to his groin "Good, sir. Yours?"

"Better than yours" Phil laughed before he vanished inside the kitchen.

Clint got up and his blanket caught his attention. It wasn't the same blanket he fell asleep with.

A small smile appeared on Clint's face as he realized that Phil must have swapped the blankets.

His own blanket was thin and rough, he always kept a spare blanket in case he had to hide or move.

The blanket Phil put around him during the night was thick and plushy, it even smelled like Phil.

It must be the second blanket Phil had on his bed the night before, he mused.

"I can make breakfast" Clint waddled into the kitchen.

"Got it covered" Phil gave him an insecure smile.

"It's my turn tomorrow" Clint bowed his head a little.

"So you'll stay?" there was hope in Phil's voice and something in his eyes Clint couldn't define.

The idea of leaving never crossed his mind since he set a foot inside Phil's spacious apartment and realized that it was indeed kind of nice not to be alone "If it's okay" he avoided Phil's eyes.

"I wouldn't have offered otherwise" the older agent continued to prepare their breakfast.

Clint got nervous and bumped accidently against a half open drawer while he tried to maneuver himself around Phil "Hmph" he grunted.

"You okay?" Phil put the spatula down and lifted Clint's shirt up.

The worry and the slight hint of panic surprised Clint but it felt so familiar at the same time "It's nothing"

"Let me decide if it's nothing or not" Phil inspected the bandage "I'll help you to change the dressing after breakfast" the statement left no room for an argument.

"Yes, sir" it was bizarre how much he started to enjoy the pain the moment Phil was touching him.

Their shared breakfast was overshadowed by a heavy silence, none knew what to say.

"Sit down" Phil broke the silence after Clint insisted to wash the dishes.

He didn't say anything he had just shoved Phil gently out of the way and snatched the towel out of his hands.

"Tell me if it hurts"

"I can do that on my own" Clint objected.

"I know but... let me do this, okay?" Clint nodded, not sure what was going on in his handler's pretty head.

A shiver ran down Clint spine at Phil's gentle touch. Phil's fingers were warm against his skin.

"Sorry" Phil drew his hand away.

"Didn't hurt"

Phil frowned, an idea crossed his mind "I apply the ointment" he warned before he let his fingers ghost over Clint's soft skin, careful not to touch the cut yet.

The shiver returned "Almost done" Phil finally applied the ointment onto the wound and this time his friend jerked as the touch irritated the scabbed wound.

He dressed the wound and placed a gentle kiss on top of Clint's head after he got up "Done"

Clint looked up, his eyes wide "Thank you" he stammered.

Phil granted him one of his rare only-for-my-favorite-asset smiles before he cleaned up the mess he made.

:::::::

"Status report" Phil spoke, it was their first real mission as a team. Phil was cleared for field work a week ago and hadn't to supervise temporary handlers anymore.

It had been his job to gather information and brief his team, before and after missions but he wasn't allowed to leave HQ or Stark Tower.

He was happy as hell to be back in the field.

"Visual contact in 30 seconds" Hawkeye answered.

Phil realized how much he had missed it to hear Clint's voice whenever he wanted.

"Engage hostile targets as they appear" Phil felt good.

"Copy that" Clint had missed Coulson's voice just as much.

"I could need some help" Natasha chimed up.

"Hawkeye provide cover for Black Widow, Iron man, take care of the doombots close to the mall" Coulson changed his orders.

"I'm coming Black Widow" they heard Captain America.

"Negative" Phil denied "Doombots heading your way. Stay put"

He got no reply.

"Mr. Rogers do I have to remind you that I'm in charge of this op?" Phil asked monotone.

"She needs help" Cap gritted his teeth but obeyed.

"Hawkeye is indeed capable of defending her" Phil stated drily.

"Situation under control" Hawkeye reported and Phil smiled "I have no doubt, Hawkeye"

"Good to know, sir" there was a hint of amusement in his voice.

After Iron man, Cap and Bruce gave their okay, they headed back to HQ.

::::::::::

"Good work" Phil congratulated "but, please, Mr. Banner don't destroy so many cars next time"

"Yes, Agent Coulson" the doctor blushed.

"I need more suitable weapons, sir" she rubbed the bruise on her cheek "I'm a spy, sir, and I lack the right equipment for a job like today"

"Report to Agent Fitzgerald and he'll provide you with anything you need" Phil scribbled something down on the paper in front of him.

"I'm surprised about your attitude in the field" Steve stated after they discussed the formalities.

"Care to explain?" Phil looked up from his file.

"He listened to what you said and I'm surprised Agent Romanoff is still alive" Natasha got up from her chair and was ready to pounce on the burly Captain as Clint put his arms around her waist and kept her firm in place "Nat" he warned.

"Let go of me" she glared at Steve.

"No" Clint pulled her closer against his body and moved one hand up to her head "It's okay" he whispered into her ear before he ruffled her hair.

"Hey" she said offended and combed with her fingers through her hair.

Phil watched them interact and shook his head.
Considering that Hawkeye and Black Widow were deadly assets their behavior was rather childish at times but that was okay, they were Phil's childish, murderous assets.

"You're fucking" Tony stated.

"Stark" Banner frowned "That was uncalled for"

"I bet they are. Is he good?" Tony taunted.

"Enough" Coulson's voice was loud and strong "I don't accept such behavior towards my assets"

Clint clenched his hands into fists but Phil's outburst took him by surprise, taking some of his anger away in its wake.

"Protective much?" Tony didn't think that Coulson was one of the protective kind.

"Yes" the SHIELD Agent held Stark's gaze "Dismissed" he got up.

"Drinks are on me" Natasha gave Phil a nod before she dragged Clint out of the room.

"Drinks?" Tony looked irritated.

"The best Vodka and Whisky you can get" Coulson gathered his files together.

"I doubt you can afford that"

" I said the best you can get, not the most expensive you can buy. It's not always a matter of the price Mr. Stark" he said before he bid goodbye.

They realized that the Phil Coulson they came to know, including the time before the Avenger initiative, was not nearly as awkward and good natured as they thought he was.

::::::::::::

"I'm sorry" Phil slumped down on the couch next to Clint. He could smell the clean scent of his shampoo and the cedar soap he loved so much.

They were both a little tipsy from the Vodka but they're not plastered, because they convinced Natasha to keep the booze in a safe place until Saturday.

Nick would give them hell if they dared to partake in the meeting he had scheduled for the next morning badly hung-over.

A night out with Natasha was hazardous, especially when booze was involved.

"What for?" Clint frowned.

"For not protecting you enough" that sent a pang of guilt through Clint's chest.

"It wasn't your fault I pissed them off" Phil sighed at that.

"Look, sir" Clint readjusted his position so he could face Phil "I acted like an ass and drove them away. Not you nor anyone else. It was me.

I ignored orders, I changed the rules to my liking and I refused to accept orders from Captain America. The only person I socialized with was Natasha"

"I know I betrayed your trust and that it's, possibly my fault that you're scared of getting hurt again but it seems not right that you're all alone.

I know how much you like to cause mischief and I love it when you do that... I miss what we had. I miss you in my life" Phil licked his lower lip, it wasn't easy for him to

talk about feelings.

Clint's mind was blank, it was hard to think about anything at all, he had to take deep breaths to calm his blasting nerves "I live with you"

"It's not the same" Phil stretched out to lean more comfortably against the backrest and tilted his head backwards to get a look at his ceiling "You are here but at the same time it feels like you are not"

"That makes no sense" Clint looked at his hands.

"Hawkeye takes over in the field and you talk with me like you're talking to a drill instructor.

I know I taught you to act like an asset but you never gave a damn. Hawkeye replied to get the job done and Clint replied to make the op bearable in the meantime,

but my Clint is gone and only Hawkeye remains" Phil let his head fall to the side to look at Clint, not realizing what he just revealed "You're living with me, you're

working with me but you don't talk to me, you don't acknowledge my presence and I'm at a loss. I tried everything to make it right" tears shimmered in his eyes while

he observed Clint's reaction.

His heart dropped at Clint's lack of reaction "I should let you rest. It's late" he got up with the intention to hide in his bedroom and beat himself up for his stupidity.

Clint reached out and grabbed Phil's wrist "Do you mean that?" he looked up at Phil, who stood in front of him.

"All of it" Phil avoided Clint's eyes.

"I'm still your Clint" the archer believed, until Phil's 'death', that he was more than just a friend but he had lost his believe in their not exactly existent relationship

because of something Phil had no control over.

Maybe he was wrong and Coulson did love him and was indeed sorry.

"Of course" Phil finally met his eye "Did you think I lost my interest in you?"

"I thought you used me. Making me happy so that I ask how high when you say jump"

"I thought you're angry because I left you alone without a word. I wasn't aware that... that you think that I used you like a toy" he crouched down in front of Clint, placing a hand on the archer's cheek.

"So our past isn't a lie?" he loved their flirting and their harmless banter.

"No" Phil leaned forward, Clint felt Phil's hot breath against his lips "and I think we should finally stop to waste precious time"

Clint brought their lips together and the kiss was as sweet as he always imagined it to be.

"I love you" the older man whispered against Clint's lips.

"Love you, too, Phil" Clint couldn't take his eyes off of Phil's face.

The happiness on his agent's face was breathtaking and Clint wanted to memorize the moment in detail.

"Let's go to bed" it wasn't comfortable to crouch in front of the couch "and this time we share"

Clint smiled and took Phil's hand leading them into the bedroom.

They just slept side by side that night but that was enough to make them happy.

::::::::::::

"Good work, Hawkeye" Steve had to admit. The archer took out three very fast opponents and saved Iron man's life.

"Thank you" Clint smirked self-confident.

His relationship with his teammates eased over the last two months and his romantic relationship with Coulson intensified.

Their relationship was a secret because Clint wasn't ready to come out just yet and Coulson knew him well enough not to push him into anything he wasn't ready for.

"I have to say that it's less insufferable to work with you since our dear agent took over the duty as our handler" Tony leaned back in his chair.

"I had a little over a decade to gain his loyalty" Phil had a hard time not to say, undying love but he could see in Clint's eyes that the archer understood him

nonetheless.

"My, my, what a beautiful sight"

"Loki?" Tony gasped.

Clint froze, he was close to panic.

"What dubious circumstances do we owe your presence?" Phil stepped in front of Clint, ready to protect his lover.

"My dear brother made me aware of the fact that I have overdone it a little during my last stay on Midgard" Loki explained.

"And?" Tony motioned to go on.

"My brother told me also that you mistreat one of your own and I have to say that I'm rather fond of that person. Not in that way Mr. Stark" Loki grimaced at Tony's

expression "He and I have some things in common and I came to the conclusion that I owe him one for all the grief I caused him"

"There is no need for amends. If you want to do him a favor leave" Phil gave his best to convince Loki to leave.

Clint raised a hand and clutched Phil's sleeve in his hand.

"Loki, leave" he ordered again "You caused enough mischief, leave him be"

"They have to learn a lesson. I did that with my brother not so long ago and it changed his opinion. He stopped saying how much of a weakling I am for not forgetting

my past. He stopped to tell me how massively I exaggerate about being ignored" Hawkeye was just like him, a neglected and pained person. A lost soul Loki intended

to save for once.

Clint got a grip on himself and stood up, shoving Phil aside without force, shielding him with his body, he had to protect Phil, no matter what "Don't, I don't want that"

"They have the capability to be more than teammates" Loki interjected.

"Go back to Asgard, and bug your own folk" Natasha seethed.

Loki grinned and paralyzed her body, to his dislike he had to paralyze Steve, Tony and Bruce, as well "Don't worry, I won't harm them" he looked at Clint and muttered something before the archer collapsed.

"Clint!" Phil got on his knees and checked his lover's pulse.

"What have you done?" Phil took off his jacket and folded it before he put it under Clint's head "Tell me" he ordered.

"Don't worry, he's just asleep" Loki watched the older man, he liked the Agent because he beat all odds and survived his attack. He had to admit that Coulson was a

tough human being and that deserved some respect.

Phil caressed Clint's temple and cheek with one hand while he held one of Clint's hands with the other "What do you want?"

"I want them to understand" Loki said almost gentle.

"It's not your choice to make" Phil hissed, his lover was on the best way to get hurt and there was nothing he could do.

"Release us" Steve ordered, he should have known better.

"Why should I do that? I haven't started yet" Loki's smirk returned.

"Give us something we can work with" Tony demanded "info would be nice"

"I will let you live his life, or more I will let you see his memories, the ones that formed his character" Loki pointed at Clint "You will share his mind. You can't talk

through him or change events, you're more like prisoners in his head, invading his dreams. I let you dream separately it would be kind of confusing if all of you share

the same mind. All of you will experience the same, so that you're on the same level afterwards"

"You're sick" Bruce spat, he didn't want to invade Hawkeye's memories "It's not on you to share such information"

"I'm the god of mischief, I do what I want" he spread his arms to emphasize his statement "Agent, you will keep him save until we're done"

"Why doesn't he join us?" Tony hated the thought to be mind-fucked.

"Because he knows his Hawk inside out, there is nothing I could show him that he doesn't already know" Loki was impressed, such devotion was rare.

"What?" Tony blinked dumbly.

"Do I have to write it down for you Stark" Phil snapped irritated.

"You are?" Steve sounded shocked "oh"

"Enough with the nonsense and let's begin before my idiot of a brother decides to interfere" with one swift motion of his hand the Avengers fell asleep.

:::::::::::::

Tony POV

"Clinton" he heard a man yell, Tony realized that he was sitting on a bed, it looked like a bedroom.

It was a shabby child's room.

He was surprised by the emotions that flooded his mind, or rather Clint's mind.

"No" it was a woman this time "Stay where you are, both of you"

"Come" a blond boy took his hand.

Tony guessed that Clint was around five at that time and the other boy must be his brother or something.

"Barney" Tony could feel the fear in Clint's little body.

"You have to hide, don't come out until I call you, okay?" the other boy, Barney, opened a closet.

"No" little Clint shook his head "Mom needs help"

"You know what will happen" his brother tried to get him into the closet but Clint escaped his brother's grip and ran in the direction of the living room.

Tony heard Clint's thoughts, that his daddy would leave his mother be as long as he had someone else to hurt.

"There you are" the man was obviously drunk "You have to come when I call you. Don't listen to that bitch" he punched Clint in the face.

The small body hit the ground "Yes, dad" he tried to get up but his father was faster and grabbed his hair, pulling hard.

A strangled cry escaped Clint "Does that hurt kid? Weakling are you? That's your mother within you. My son has to be strong"

"Let go" Tony heard the older boy "Get your hands off of him" Barney earned a fist to the stomach for his bravery.

"No" little Clint raged "Barney"

Their father beat them into a pulp, there was nothing Clint's mother could do to protect them.

"It's okay" the woman cleaned Clint's wound, after his father passed out on the couch.

"We have to leave" Barney took care of his own wounds.

"And then?" she asked sadly.

"We can try to get a place at the women's shelter a few miles away" the older boy suggested.

"We have no money and he will find us anywhere" Tony could see in her eyes that her arguments were just excuses for not fighting back.

"He won't care" Clint looked at his mother.

"I love him, you don't understand. He needs us and I can't leave him" Tony was sure that this time she spoke the truth.

"He hurts us" Barney argued "What does that have to do with love?"

"He wasn't always like that" she shot back "It was my fault, I should have been more attentive.

You know that your father lost his job shortly after Clinton was born. Had I paid more attention I could have gotten an abortion but it was already too late.

Money was short even before he got fired" Tony felt the bone deep pain Clint's mother's words caused.

"I'm sorry" Clint clung to his teddy "It's okay, kiddo" Barney ruffled his brother's hair, coaxing a little smile out of his baby brother.

"Time to sleep" Mrs. Barton got up and put the first aid kid away.

The pain Tony felt while the little body of his host hobbled to his bed was cruel.

It was comparable with his last fight against Vanko.

Barney read him a bedtime story, lulling him to sleep.

::::

"Give me a beer" Mr. Barton ordered and little Clint waddled into the kitchen to get his dad a beer.

"Good boy" his father gave him a firm slap to the back of the head as a thank you.

"Can I watch the game with you?" Tony felt the hope within the kid.

"Sure" his father lifted him up and sat him down on his legs.

Clint leaned back against his father's chest, with thumb in his mouth and his teddy in his arms.

To Tony's utter surprise he felt love, a huge amount of love towards the man who had beaten the crap out of him the night before, while he sat there curled up against

the man.

Mr. Barton yelled and cursed at the T.V. every time his favorite Football team succeeded or failed.

"That will be you one day" his father slurred while he pointed with his bottle at the quarterback "you will be a sportsman"

Clint nodded against his father's chest "I'll be the best"

"That's my boy" the man praised "Where is your damn mother?"

"Supermarket" Clint clung tighter to his teddy, as he felt his father's body tense beneath him.

"I know that you idiot. Thank god you don't have to be smart to be a sportsman" the man got up not paying attention to the child in his lap.

Clint dropped to the ground with more grace than a five year old should posses.

He accidently knocked an empty bottle down which stood next to the armchair.

His eyes grew wide "Sorry, daddy"

The man glared at his boy and unbuckled his belt "clean it up"

Clint rubbed frantically over the few small droplets with his sleeve "All gone" he said hopefully.

He didn't see the first hit coming as his father had ordered him to do it again, but he saw the second one coming, and the third, and the fourth...

His little back hurt from the force of the belt and he curled up on the ground to protect as many body parts as possible begging his daddy to stop.

Tony felt sick. He wanted to yell, to hit the bastard but he couldn't.

That was Clint's past, it was over and done.

Tony decided to hunt the bastard down after Loki released them from this nightmare, it shouldn't be hard to find them.

"What have you done this time?" he heard his mother.

"Spilled some beer" his father sniffed.

"Come" she picked him up and carried him into his room "Take off your shirt"

The boy obeyed, clenching his little jaw as pain surged through his back.

"You have to be more careful" she chided "Oh, look at you"

He didn't need a mirror to know what shape he was in "Can I have my superhero pajama?"

Tony wanted to laugh at Clint's attitude, the little one was truly Agent Barton.

"Of course" she put his pajama onto the bed before she cleaned the cuts on his back, some of the hits drew blood "You're coming with me next time"

Clint was exited "Thank you mommy" he kissed her cheek.

She sighed deeply while she held him close "Mommy loves you"

:::::::

The night was cold and a storm was on its way.

Mr. Barton was drunk again and that worried Tony deeply.

They had visited friends and they were obviously not one jot better than Clint's family.

"You shouldn't drive" Mrs. Barton said carefully and got a slap in the face in return.

"Get in the car" he started the motor and drove out of the driveway.

The accident happened so fast that Tony didn't register what had happened a minute ago "Mom?" he heard his host whisper "Barney?" he could see Clint's older brother.

It seemed that he was unconscious, his chest was moving that was the only sign that he was still alive.

The car had hit a tree.

Tony could see his own, no Clint's, hand. Blood covered his tiny hands and his head hurt.

"Mom" he unbuckled his seatbelt with shaky hands and got out of the car.

He used all his weight to open the passenger door "Mom" she didn't move.

Tony knew if he had his own body he would have puked his guts out.

It was obvious that she was dead, part of her face was crushed and her neck was broken.

It was scary to look into her open blue eyes "Mom?" Clint tucked on her hand.

Her body dropped to the side, the seatbelt kept her in the car or otherwise she would have fallen on top of Clint "Dad?" he put his hands on his mother's legs and

stood on tiptoe to get a look at his father.

His face rested on the steering wheel.

Blood covered almost every part of his skin and Tony knew that Mr. Barton was dead as well.

So much to hunting him down.

"Clint?" he heard someone whisper.

"Barney" Clint got onto the back-seat "are you okay?" he watched his brother with teary eyes.

"I think I broke my wrist" the older boy studied his kid brother "You're bleeding"

"Just my head" Clint touched his forehead and winced "Mom and dad aren't waking up"

Barney unbuckled his seat belt to get a look at his parents and he did exactly what Tony wanted to do.

He yanked the door open and threw up.

"Why don't they wake up?" Clint clung to his teddy again, smearing blood on the plushy fur.

"We have to get help" Barney ignored the question, he couldn't tell his brother that they would sleep forever.

They walked for miles until they found a house and begged for help.

Clint was scared as the police handed them over to a social worker, she was around 50 and sturdy, with a gentle smile.

She drove them to an orphanage and left them there, leaving further explanations to Barney.

:::::::::::::

Steve's POV

The nuns weren't friendly at all.

Clint thought that nuns had to be friendly and gentle, and that they always smiled.

Reality was different, they were stressed out and didn't care much about the children.

Or they couldn't because there were by far more orphans than nuns.

At least they had been friendly enough to clean his teddy.

"Behave" nun Betty hit with the stick on his hand "and listen"

She taught them how to read and write.

Clint hated school, it was boring and nun Betty had no sense of humor.

Steve was shocked as the stick connected with the little hand, it went against his beliefs and he felt how anger rose in him.

He wasn't sure if it was Clint's or his own.

"He can't Ms. Betty, he's too stupid" a young girl snickered.

"That might be true but he has to behave like anyone else" her expression was blank.

"Sorry Ms. Betty" Clint bowed his head.

"Read that part again" she pointed with the stick at a phrase in the book and Clint began to read out loud, bracing himself for the teasing he knew would come.

Steve wanted to yell at the kids for teasing a classmate.

It was wrong on so many levels and it was even more unforgivable that a woman, who claimed to act in the name of the lord, was actually encouraging them.

"Lesson is over" she announced and rushed the children out of the room.

It was time for dinner and Steve felt how Clint's mood darkened.

The food was inedible and it wasn't even recognizable.

Probably fish sticks and mashed potatoes, it tasted awful.

"Hey squirt" Steve felt every muscle within Clint's body tense.

Two older boys settled down next to Clint, one on each side "How was your day?"

Clint kept his mouth shut, he knew it would just make the situation more embarrassing when he played along.

"Not talking again, huh?" the guy on his left mocked, his name was Mike.

"We heard you're too stupid to read a simple kid's book" the guy to his right added, Joey was his name.

"We expect an answer squirt" Joey cupped the back of Clint's head with a hand and pressed him face down into his plate.

The hot mashed potatoes burned on his skin, but it was luckily not hot enough to burn his skin off of his face.

The guy let go of Clint and he could hear laughter "See you around squirt" the two boys got up and left Clint alone.

::::::::::::

"I want to leave" Clint was 10 by now and was able to defend himself.

He was still small and scrawny but he decided a long time ago that he wouldn't go down without a fight.

"We have to wait until we find a place to stay" Barney examined Clint's black eye.

"How is your jaw?" Clint opened his good eye to take a look at his brother's face.

They got into a fight with Mike and Joey.

"Just a bruise" Barney dismissed the topic "Why didn't you take the offer from, what was their name, Jensen's?"

"They wanted one child" Clint stated as if it explained everything, maybe it did.

"I could have visited you"

"No" a pang a fear took Cap off-guard.

Clint was scared to be alone.

"Don't have a cow" Barney frowned "you don't have to be so clingy"

"You're all I have" Steve felt a flood of emotions and wasn't ready for what happened next.

"Stop that" Barney hit Clint's ear with the flat of his hand.

Clint grunted in pain but remained silent.

"I'll find a place to stay" the older boy walked over to his own bed and turned off the light.

Leaving Clint alone with his bitter thoughts, staring into the dark.

::::::::::::

"I found a place to stay" Barney stormed into their room.

"Where?" Clint eyed him.

"There's a carnival in town. We are young and strong, they might hire us as roustabouts" Barney's eyes gleamed with anticipation.

"When do we leave?"

"Tonight" Barney left the room again.

Clint smiled to himself at the thought and Cap felt relief within young Clint's mind.

"Hey squirt" Mike entered his room without a knock.

"What?" Clint got up from the bed.

He had nothing to lose, he would be gone by tomorrow "Oh he speaks" Joey mocked.

"How is your hand? Ms. Betty has a nasty blow for a nun" Mike moved closer to Clint.

Other children gathered in the hallway and watched the spectacle.

"She's getting old" Clint said nonchalantly.

Mike and Joey gasped in surprise.

"and now leave" Clint ordered.

"Nope" Mike took a swing at Clint but the teen ducked and demonstrated how nasty his blow could be.

"You broke my nose" Steve cringed at the sickening, but familiar, crunch of the nasal bone.

Joey tried to defend his hurt friend but found himself with an armful of Barton.

He threw himself at Joey with such a force that they stumbled into the hallway.

Clint threw punch after punch, years of bottled up emotions bubbled to the surface.

All the hurt, humiliations and constant fear.

A sturdy priest dragged Clint away from the bleeding Joey.

Clint got a good beating with the stick as punishment but it was worth it.

"I can't leave you out of sight, can I?" Barney dressed the bleeding cuts from the stick.

"Do I have to remind you of the Karl Bennett incident one year ago?" Steve remembered that Clint's older brother had broken the guys arm for flirting with his girlfriend.

"Shut up" the older boy stuffed the medi kit into his bag "Time to leave"

:::::::::::::

Natasha's POV

They worked their asses of at the carnival for a starvation wage.

Clint bulked up a lot since they joined Carson's gang and Barney showed even more violent behaviors towards his brother.

"I could use an assistant" the swordsman approached Clint one day.

"Me?" Clint frowned.

"Yes, I saw you watching me and I thought you might want to learn how to use a sword" Jacques offered.

"I'd like that" it was better than carrying things from A to B the whole day.

"Meet me at 8 p.m." Jacques left to meet with Chisholm, if the kid was as good as Duquesne hoped he was he'd need some extra lessons.

"I did it" Clint smiled at his brother after their work was done.

"Did what?" the youth frowned.

"Swordsman offered to train me" Clint told him in delight, oblivious to his brother's deadly glare.

But Natasha could see it, that was a look she had often seen during her time at the Red Room Academy.

Clint was in danger.

She knew Clint and his brother weren't on speaking terms but he never told her why.

Hill told her a few years back that his brother tried to kill him after an old ally of Clint brainwashed his brother.

Barney was declared dead, since their encounter but no one was truly sure because there was no corps.

The story seemed to be wrong, it was by far more than that.

She guessed that jealousy played a very important part, that meant that the theory that Bernard was brainwashed wasn't accurate.

"How?"

"He just asked" Clint shrugged "he said he noticed me watching him and he needs a new assistant"

"Congratulation little brother" Barney seethed inwardly.

"I can ask him to train us both" Clint loved his brother too much to think bad of him.

"Would be nice" he said sarcastically.

"Great" Clint looked at his watch "I have to go"

:::::::::::::

"You're good" Jacques clicked his tongue "but not good enough" he cut Clint's bicep.

Natasha seethed inside Clint's head, the Swordsman was an asshole.

Clint was tired and trained for weeks like a berserk to satisfy Duquesne's expectations.

"Your brother has more fire in him" he spat, getting Clint's attention "Make him your partner then"

"Oh, I will but I want you too" he put his sword away "Chisholm" he called the other man "He will teach you a few things. Your brother is sadly not meant to be an

archer"

That was the day Clint became an archer, he was good and learned fast but not fast enough for their standards.

"You're useless to us if you don't hit the mark every time" the swordsman argued.

"Give us two more weeks and he will be ready to perform" Trickshot interfered.

"He trains and trains, he isn't working to earn his pay. We feed them for free at the moment" Jacques glared "That has to change"

"I don't want to be part of it" Trickshot raised his hands to signal that he was out "Find me if you want to train kid, you know where to find me"

Clint nodded.

"Come with me" Clint followed the other man into his caravan.

The older man unbuckled his belt, Natasha felt how fear spread through his heart and soul.

She remembered the day Hawkeye found her, he gave her a chance and let her live because he felt that they had a lot of things in common.

He never told her what exactly he thought they had in common but she should have known it the moment he tried to reassure her that it wasn't her fault that Red

Room sold her out like a whore at times.

He told her that she'd always feel dirty at times but it'd get better and he was right.

She felt dirty sometimes but it wasn't a constant feeling anymore, it needed to be triggered.

And the scene in front of her did just that.

Natasha wanted to scream, to beg the asshole to stop but she couldn't it was the past and already happened years ago.

Clint got to his knees and sucked his mentor of before Jacques threw him out of his caravan.

"Where have you been?" Barney eyed him suspiciously.

"Earning my keep" Clint forced a smile on his lips.

:::::::::::::::::::::

"Come on, you can do it better" Trickshot sighed deeply "You know what happens if you fail to convince him"

Natasha felt Clint flinch at the words "I know" he took a deep breath and let the arrow fly.

Bullseye.

"That's good, kid" Trickshot seemed relieved.

Clint fired arrow after arrow and missed just one time, and this one time was enough to set the Swordsman off.

He hit Clint before he dragged him into a caravan near the back of the property "Let me go" Clint struggled.

"I can get your brother so he can pay your dept" Duquesne said slyly.

Natasha felt how Clint resigned to his fate.

"He's pretty" a overweight man was inside the caravan and Clint's eyes went huge with panic.

"He pays a lot of money for you so make it worth his time, and money" he left Clint behind with a slimy individual.

Natasha felt his pain, his fear and knowledge that he had become a whore.

He wasn't worth anything before he joined the carnival, he knew that and he learned to live with it but now as the fat guy pushed himself into Clint's body he lost the

last vestige of self-respect he had left.

Natasha felt his stomach churn with each thrust and sloppy kiss.

She was relieved once their encounter was over. It was even worse then what she had to endure during her time at the Black Widow project.

She had more or less a choice how she wanted to do it and when. The men she had to approach were good looking and/or members of the 'upper class' but Clint's

'customers' were shady and rough.

Clint stumbled out of the caravan and threw up next to it.

He crouched on the ground, feeling dirty and used.

He couldn't believe that the Swordsman sold him.

"A shower" he mumbled to himself "I need a shower" tears burning in his eyes.

He spent a long time in the shower, washing his skin again and again.

Clint let his tears flow and his sorrow and shame mixed with the clear water that poured down the shower head. Guiding his bitter tears down the drain.

It wasn't the last time but Clint fought hard for his skills and succeeded.

::::::::

"Come with me" Barney told him "We can make a lot of money"

"I don't steal, Barney"

"No, you rather go hustling" all color drained from Clint's face, his brother knew and didn't do a damn thing.

"We don't need him" Clint looked at the Swordsman "He's a liar and a thief"

"It's the perfect opportunity, can't you see that?" Barney looked at him as if his brother was the dumbest person he ever met.

"Your brother made his choice a long time ago" Duquesne initiated a fight.

They fought until the bitter end and that meant for Clint to fall of the high wire while the Swordsman and his beloved brother left him to die.

Clint lay on the ground, each breath burned like fire in his chest.

He could taste copper on his lips and the world around him started to blur.

He fixed his gaze on the pavilion roof while he felt himself slip away.

::::::::::

Bruce POV

"I'm Agent Coulson" the agent introduced himself to Barton "I'm your new handler"

"Fury's last trump?" Clint had heard a lot about the man, he looked after SHIELD's lost causes and it was on him to give the okay to liquidate an asset or to give the

asset one more chance.

Clint was sure the man wouldn't keep him either.

"You could call it that" the man stated dryly and Bruce could feel the fear inside the archer.

Coulson was his sixth handler and Clint learned that they were all the same.

They gave a damn about their assets and used them to their liking.

"I heard you're an archer" Phil gave him a hard glare.

"Yes, sir" the Agent was attractive, muscular body, beautiful blue eyes "but I can handle firearms as well"

"My colleagues describe you as insubordinate and hard to handle, is that correct?" Bruce was sure Phil was waiting for a snarky reply because surprise flashed through

his eyes for a moment as Clint agreed "Correct, sir"

"Why?" the question caught Clint by surprise "Why, sir?"

"Yes, why Agent Barton" Phil held his gaze "I want to avoid the same mistakes"

"What makes you think my handlers were at fault?" he was confused.

"Fury had his reasons to recruit you, he didn't get you out of jail for nothing, and I find it hard to believe that a person with your qualifications isn't able to work with at

least one single person" Phil stated.

Bruce felt how Clint searched for the right words "I don't think you will make the same mistakes, sir"

"How's that?" Phil frowned barely visible.

"You asked for my advise" was all the archer said.

Bruce saw the understanding in Coulson's eyes "Very well, I await you at the firing range at 0900 tomorrow morning, you're dismissed"

:::::::::::::

"You let me use a bow as primary weapon?" Clint inspected his new custom-made bow and the brand-new arrows with different heads.

"I think a bow is more useful most of the time. Less noisy, that makes it harder to track you down and grants you more time to make your escape and in addition to

that the different arrowheads are versatile, simple bullets are not" Phil explained in his usual tone of voice.

Bruce felt how Clint's stomach made a flip, he couldn't identify the emotion immediately but he was sure it was something close to joy.

"Do you have a problem with my choice of weapon, Agent Barton? If so, please speak your mind and we'll see what we can do" Clint's heartbeat rose.

He wasn't used to speak his mind and he was definitely not used to the fact that someone cared for him and his thoughts.

It had to be a trick, Bruce heard Clint think, the Agent tries to get under my skin.

But he couldn't get rid of the grain of hope that tucked on his heart.

"No problem, sir" Clint said honest without a hint of aversion.

An agent nearby gave Clint an odd look before he returned his attention back to the target in front of him.

"I want to see how you handle your bow" Phil leaned against a table next to Clint.

Coulson's eyes told them that the older man was truly interested in Clint's skills.

::::::::::

"Hawkeye report" he heard Coulson's familiar voice in his ear.

It was their 8th mission together.

Clint spent the last two days on the roof of a building somewhere in Lybia, he couldn't memorize the name of the city anymore.

It was hot and the sun was burning down on him "Target still not in sight, sir"

"How are you holding up?" and again Bruce felt surprise surge through the archer.

"I'll get the job done, sir" Clint replied.

"That's not what I want to know" Phil clarified.

"Would be nice if he showed up soon" Clint's throat was dry and burned.

Bruce was thankful that he wasn't a sniper, he could barely tolerate the heat and the pain that two days of not moving caused.

"One more hour" Phil informed him.

"Sure he shows up by then?"

"One hour until I break off the mission" Phil said simply, clarifying his order.

Bruce felt how Clint's bow wavered as Clint analyzed the meaning behind Phil's words.

"Two days in the blazing sun, for nothing, sir?" Clint hid his insecurity behind sarcasm.

"Better than the paper work a dead asset causes"

The archer couldn't suppress a chuckle "Laughing at me, Agent?" there was a hint of amusement in Coulson's voice and Clint felt his heart skip a beat.

"Of course not, sir" the smile was audible in Clint's voice and Bruce asked himself how Agent Coulson coaxed so many positive emotions out of the archer, after years

and years of pain.

"Target in sight" Clint broke radio silence.

"Take the shot" Phil ordered.

Hawkeye killed the target and forced his own body down the building, his muscles ached and his head spun as he reached their meeting place.

He stumbled and strong arms enclosed him to hold him upright "Already worshiping the ground I walk on, Agent Barton?"

Clint's head snapped around just to stare at the older Agent for a long time "I'm dead" he huffed "Or the sun fried my brain"

"What makes you think that?" Phil guided him to their hotel room.

"You cracked a joke. Agent bad-ass Coulson made a joke" Clint grinned like a maniac "Just for me" he added, why? He didn't know.

Bruce suspected the archer had realized that Coulson treated his assets like individuals and not like a thing.

"Clear case of megalomania, Barton" Phil sounded amused.

He helped Clint out of his clothes and into the shower.

It felt great to get rid of all the sweat and dust.

"I'm dead beat" Clint let himself fall onto the bed, hissing in pain as the rough fabric of the blanket touched his burned skin.

"Drink that" Phil sat down on the edge of the bed and offered him a bottle of water "Drink slowly" there was a caring undertone in his voice.

Coulson opened a vial and started to apply ointment to Clint's sunburned skin.

The touch was gentle and for the first time in a very, very long time he didn't feel threatened by being touched.

He actually enjoyed it.

That was the moment Bruce realized that they were meant to be.

Clint gave Phil a small but very honest smile "Thank you, sir" for everything.

:::::::::::

"Approach the mark Hawkeye" Agent Carter's voice reminded him of who was in charge.

Clint didn't want to pursue seducing the mark.

He felt dirty all over again.

Coulson was somewhere in Texas with Natasha. Their relationship was strained since he brought her in.

Phil was disappointed that Clint had disobeyed a direct order and endangered them all by bringing her to SHIELD.

But the older man had granted him his wish to keep her on the team, in case Fury gave his okay.

She was broken just as he was and she needed a person she could

trust and Phil was the right person to teach her how to do that.

Clint wasn't sure why Phil kept her, maybe he trusted Clint's judgment after the three years they spent together.

Bruce felt sick at the thought that SHIELD forced his teammate into a sexual relationship, or one nightstand, however they wanted to call it.

Clint took a deep breath and kissed the mark.

Luckily he was handsome and clean.

Clint imagined Phil while he kissed the mark and his body responded immediately "Bedroom now" the mark breathed against Clint's lips.

"Give it to me" Clint gasped as the mark slid one hand into his jeans and played with the tip if his hardening cock.

Bruce knew Clint denied himself to think about it and tried not to feel more than the arousal the image of Agent Coulson caused.

Shame and disgust bubbled under the surface, waiting for release.

The mark gave Clint a push and he fell onto the bed "Rough, I like that" he licked his lips.

"I'll fuck you until you beg me to stop" a shiver ran down Clint's spine, not in anticipation but from fear.

Suddenly the door to the hotel room burst open and two armed persons with masks stormed into the room "Get on the ground" one yelled.

He knocked the mark out to make sure he stayed down.

Clint's body trembled while he stared at the bandits.

One of them pulled off his mask "I can't leave you alone for one day, can I Barton?"

"Sir?" Clint gasped in surprise "Let's get out of her. Widow break into the safe and go through the data on his pda, fake a standard case of burglary. I'll accompany

Agent Barton back to HQ"

"Yes, sir" Natasha got rid of the mask.

"Nat" he whispered, Bruce was just as confused as Clint was.

"Get up" Phil motioned him to follow.

"What are you doing here, sir?" Clint buttoned his shirt.

"Saving your ass" Phil stated simply but Clint knew him well enough to hear the anger in his voice and to notice his tense posture.

"I'm sorry" he meant it.

"Not your fault" Phil got into his car "but Agent Carter's"

"He didn't do anything wrong"

"He used you as a whore" Phil spat.

Clint didn't say anything, he was too lost in his thoughts to come up with a smart ass reply.

"We aren't a brothel" Phil added after a long pause "we have a few special trained Agents for cases like that and you are not one of them"

"SHIELD hires hookers?" Clint blurted out.

"Sometimes" Phil's lips were formed a thin line "You're lucky we finished our mission in time"

"Thank you" Clint lowered his gaze, he knew Phil must have violated at least ten regulations to get Clint out of the marks clutches. Not to mention that he blew the op.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Clint looked up in surprise "Yes" he owned his handler at least that much.

"He wasn't the first to assault you, right?"

There was worry and so much anger in Coulson's voice on his behalf that Clint told him everything.

:::::::::::::

"You have to stay awake, sir" Clint hovered over Phil.

"Get out of here" Phil grunted in pain.

"Not without you" this time it was Coulson who looked surprised.

"I slow you down" Phil got hurt as the mission went south.

A bullet hit him in the shoulder.

"Never wanted to die alone, anyway" Clint shrugged while he hauled Phil into a upright position before he crouched down in front of his handler "Put your arm around

my neck, sir"

Phil did as he was told and Clint helped him up "Hey, open your pretty eyes"

Phil opened his eyes "Get your firm ass in motion and get us out of here" he grunted.

"Yes, sir" Clint smirked.

They had to pause a few times "It's not far" Clint touched Phil's face.

"Leave me, I won't make it"

"No" Clint helped him up again "I rather die than being reassigned to a new handler"

"It's not that bad" Phil tried to stay conscious.

"They are not you" there was so much devotion in Clint's voice that Phil's jaw dropped "They are not you" he whispered again.

Phil gathered all his strength together "Let's get out of here" he tightened his hold around Clint, it was his way to signalize that he understood and that it was okay.

They made it out of there with a minimum of bloodshed.

::::::::::::

"You will do what I tell you?" Phil stared him down "and I tell you to stay put until I find a handler who can actually handle you"

"So I have to stay in my room and sit on my ass until someone is kind enough to take me in for the week?" Clint hissed.

"I have to attend the conference and you're not making it easy for me to find you a suitable handler" the older man sighed, rubbing his forehead.

"Take me with you" Clint blurted out, regretting it instantly.

"The hell I will. It's classified and I'm sure you'll spy on us or wreck havoc, the negotiations are important and we have no room for mistakes" Bruce could see the panic

in Coulson's eyes the moment he realized what he'd said "Forgive me, I'm stressed out"

"The great Phil Coulson is actually human enough to confess a weakness?!" Clint shot back.

Phil's jaw clenched, he deserved that.

"Look, play nice for one week, okay? Hill might take you in for a while or you have to stay here all week" he stated calmly to offer some peace.

"Fuck you Agent Coulson, I try to be less nerve-wrecking for you, for six years now, so don't give me that bullshit about my lousy behavior.

I tend to think that you might be able to take the shit I throw at you but obviously not.

You don't want me around, fine, just tell me so and don't torment yourself by keeping me.

You know what? I'll leave you the fuck alone, I'm making the fucking decision for you" Clint spat "I don't need you and I don't need a special handler"

"Barton" Phil said irritated.

"I'll report to Agent Hill" Clint made a few steps before he turned around a last time "Farewell Agent Coulson"

Bruce could practically feel the pain Coulson's face gave away.

Clint heard a loud beeping noise in the silent room and the smell of disinfectant gave his current location away.

Med bay.

He couldn't remember how he ended up there.

All he could remember was that he was on a mission with Hill and Sitwell.

They infiltrated a terror group and suddenly people started yelling and to fire shots.

Clint tried to open his eyes, the light in the room burned in his eyes and his throat felt like he ate sandpaper.

He noticed a person to his right, it was Coulson.

Clint was surprised to see the older man next to his bed, sitting on a hard plastic chair.

Phil was asleep, his shirt partly unbuttoned and his tie was gone.

It seemed the Agent spent a long time waiting and Clint shifted a little to get a better look but regretted it instantly.

He made a pitiful sound as the pain ripped through his body "Clint?" it was Phil.

"Don't move" Coulson pressed the button next to the bed and a nurse hurried into the room.

She gave him something against the pain and took his vitals before she left again.

"How?" Clint blinked a few times.

"What do you remember?" Phil sounded tired.

"We met with the targets and someone fired at us?" the confusion was clearly audible in his voice.

"Brannon was a double Agent and sold us out. We caught him and he confessed everything" Coulson explained.

"I remember a punch to the chest" he tried to feel where his pain came from, was it his chest?

"You caught a bullet to the chest, it wasn't a punch. One bullet to the gut and ricochet to the neck" Phil swallowed visibly and Bruce could swear he saw a wet glimmer

in his eyes.

"Explains why I feel like I kissed a freight train" Clint tried to ease the mood.

"You have been unconscious for eight days" Phil rubbed over his face, feeling the stubble on his face.

"Why are you here?" something told Clint that Phil held a vigil for the last eight days.

"You're my asset" the older man gave him a sad smile.

"I'm not, I thought I made it clear the last time we talked" he regretted what he'd said back then.

"You didn't fill out the right forms for a transfer" Coulson stated dryly "That means we are still a team"

"You're kidding?"

"No, but I wouldn't have signed your application for transfer anyway" Phil shrugged "You belong to me Agent. You have to live with that"

Clint looked at Phil for a long time before he spoke "I can live with that" he nodded, a warm feeling spread through his body "How long have you been here?"

Phil's silence was answer enough.

"You don't have to stay" but it was nice tough.

"You once said that you don't want to die alone" Phil took Clint's hand into his own and Clint wondered how often he had done that the past eight days "and I wanted

to be here... in case you..." the older man got up "I should leave you need to rest"

Clint tightened his grip on Phil's hand and clung to it "Stay"

Relief flooded Coulson's eyes and he returned to his seat, watching over his beloved Agent "I told you once that I'm not going anywhere, not without you"

::::::::::

Bruce wanted to leave Clint's mind so badly.

Pain was consuming him, his heart and soul cried in agony.

Coulson was dead.

Gone.

Leaving Clint behind.

"Clint" Natasha approached him.

"He promised not to leave me behind" Phil made that promise two years ago while they were stuck in a snowstorm.

It wasn't a I'm not going anywhere Agent but a loving I'll never leave you behind Clint, it was so much more worth.

In addition to that he promised to protect his favorite archer from harm.

Clint had laughed at his partner in crime, because he was the only archer SHIELD had.

Phil just gave him a smug grin while he snuggled closer to provide body heat.

"He had no choice, he fought bravely" she pulled him into a firm hug.

"I miss him" he let a few tears fall.

"I know" she kissed his cheek "He liked you so much, I hope you know that. You were loved Clint"

"I know" he closed his eyes, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

Being loved was what it made it even worse to be left behind this time.

"He's still there" she pressed a hand against his chest right above his heart.

"That's not enough" Clint whispered "by far not enough"

He needed to be around the other man.

Their shared meals, their movie nights at Phil's place, resting on the couch in Phil's office while he wrote reports, the grief they caused Fury with their somewhat childish

behavior...

He would miss lying in the ventilation shaft, watching the other man work...

The memory would haunt him for a very long time...

:::::::::::::

"I'm pleased to hear that you're joining the avenger initiative. We worked well together during the attack" Captain America beamed and Bruce felt the bile in Clint's

throat.

He couldn't stand to be around the man.

Bruce understood that it must be hard to be around your dead friends childhood hero.

The pain Cap caused the archer was intense.

"Hawkeye" Clint took the hand Steve offered "Nice to be part of your team" there was no hint of emotion in Clint's voice.

His eyes held no life in them.

It didn't need long for the situation to get out of hand.

Clint and Tony fought day in and day out while Steve tried to force Clint into the role he was destined for.

That was what cause the big fallout, Bruce realized.

They forced Clint to do things, they didn't ask for his opinion or if he wanted to do it.

Cap and Tony just expected from him to take orders like a good soldier.

But Barton wasn't a soldier.

He was a trained assassin and used to have the same team around him for a very long time.

Granting him enough space to develop his skills and holding the leash tight enough that he felt that he was appreciated.

Barton learned to see SHIELD as his home and he learned that he had a family there.

The rocky road he travelled led him right into Coulson's strong arms.

Giving him hope and a reason.

Clint was loyal to Coulson and Natasha, and Bruce was sure the archer would turn his back on SHIELD the moment Black Widow left him, too.

Fury wouldn't be able to keep Barton by his side after his betrayal, no matter what good friends they had been before Loki showed up.

::::::::::::

Real world

Phil leaned against one of the walls of the meeting room, with Clint in his arms.

"How much longer?" he asked Loki, who sat on an empty chair close to the window.

"Not long" he shook his head "Their journey will end with your demise"

Phil stroke Clint's head, he let his fingers slide through the soft short hair again and again "Why are you doing this?"

"I told you" Loki gave Phil a curious look.

"You have things in common" Phil said "but I don't understand why you want to help him"

"Amends, maybe" Loki looked out of the window "I'm not evil-minded, I just act without looking at the total picture. Thor says I tend to ignore the feelings of others

and he is right, I do"

"Why Clint?" why did you play with his mind? Why did you let him suffer?

"He's strong, his heart, his soul. He's a fighter putting up with everything life throws at him. I think I was a little jealous at times.

The moment I stabbed you in the heart I could feel him fight against the bond but I was stronger.

He was desperate and persistent, I have to give him credit for that" Loki remembered the pain he felt through their bond, it was abnormal.

"Would be nice if you let me live in the future" Phil snapped, he knew how much Clint suffered.

He asked anyone how Clint was faring and he studied every record and security recording he could get his hands on.

"Fine" Loki agreed "You're very strong Agent Coulson. It's no surprise that Agent Barton thinks the world of you"

"What are you doing brother?" Thor broke through one of the windows.

"Making amends" he raised an eyebrow.

"That's not what I meant and I think you know that" Thor frowned.

"You told me he's in trouble so I decided to help" Loki looked at Clint, with something like pity in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Son of Coul, but I can't undo my brother's magic" Thor looked truly sorry.

"It's too late anyway" Phil cupped the back of his lover's head and held his head close to his chest. Clint's cheek rested against Phil's chest right above is heart.

Phil's other arm was wrapped around Clint's middle, holding him in place.

Thor couldn't deny that the archer looked like a child, sleeping in his father's arms.

Phil rested his chin on top of Clint's head "It will be over soon" he whispered.

Remembering all that happened during his life must be cruel but maybe they could sort his issues out afterward.

It was necessary or Clint would break under the pressure.

"I wasn't aware that you and Barton are an item" Thor finally realized that there was nothing fatherly about the touches.

"Only Agent Romanoff knew, until your brother interrupted our meeting" Phil's words oozed with sarcasm.

"Loki" Thor sighed dramatically.

"Helped us, too" the god of mischief seemed to feel shame for a very short moment.

"Humans are different" Thor cupped his brother's cheek with one huge hand "Let's go home" he caressed Loki's cheek with his thumb, reading something on his

brother's face only he could decipher.

Phil huffed, they were obviously not the only secret couple.

Steve and Tony didn't count their attraction was obvious they were just too stupid to notice their mutual attraction.

Or they were too stupid to keep their secret relationship a secret due to their bad acting skills, Phil didn't figure that one out yet.

"I hope it will end well" Thor smiled at Phil with hope in his big blue eyes "Call us if you need us"

Phil nodded but remained silent.

Holding his sleeping lover in his arms broke his heart.

There was nothing he could do, he felt like he broke his promise to protect him "I'm sorry"

::::::::::

"Oh god" Steve gasped and almost fell out of his chair after he woke up.

Tony looked around in confusion, not sure he hadn't imagined what he thought had happened.

Bruce jumped out of his chair and hurried to the trashcan, emptying his stomach.

Natasha walked over to Phil and Clint "Clint?" she whispered before she got down on her knees to run her delicate finger up and down his cheek.

"Why isn't he awake yet?" she worried.

"I don't know" Phil shook his head, cold fear enclosed his heart.

"Let's get him home" Steve clenched his fists to stop his hands from shaking.

"I could use some help" Phil tried to get up with Barton in his arms.

Steve and Bruce put their arms around Clint, holding him upright.

They remained silent on their way to a expensive apartment complex not too far away from HQ.

No one knew what to say.

"Looks expensive" Tony said finally as his limo stopped in front of the building "He has more style than I thought"

Natasha snorted but didn't set him straight.

Steve and Bruce dragged him into the elevator and after that into the spacious apartment.

"Follow me" Phil showed them the way to the bedroom.

They put Clint down on the bed before they snuck out of the room "Come on Clint" Phil patted his cheek "I could use some help"

But the archer didn't move.

Phil sighed and took of his lover's boots before he undressed him "I can't find your favorite so you have to live with mine" the older Agent lifted Clint's upper body up to

get him into one of Phil's shirts.

It was too large for Phil and fit Clint perfectly.

"Sleep well" he prayed that his lover's nightmares came to an end, Phil tucked the younger man in and kissed him gently on the lips before he left the bedroom.

"He has good taste" Tony looked around, shivering slightly as Clint's teddy bear caught his eyes.

It sat on a shelf next to an old Captain America plush toy.

"It's my apartment, he moved in with me the day you threw him out" Phil stated matter of fact.

"Oh" Tony looked at the ground, highly interested at the carpet.

"So" Steve wrung his hands "We saw his life and, uhm, is it true that he was abused and abandoned over and over again?"

"Yes" there was a hint of sadness in the Agent's voice.

"That explains a lot of things" Steve chided himself for not considering the archer's feelings.

Natasha laid down on the couch resting her head on Phil's legs, the older man put an arm around her to offer comfort.

Her eyes never left the teddy on the shelf.

"I can't believe what we saw" Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose "I mean, how did he..." he couldn't finish his thought.

"He's a fighter" Phil smiled briefly as he remembered Loki's words "he doesn't give in.

He once told me that he believed that he was alive for a reason, and we figured out what he is supposed to do.

He keeps people safe and makes me happy, and that is enough for him"

Tony couldn't remember such a conversation but the events were partly blurry.

It was like you hit the fast-forward button while you watch a movie and stop at your favorite scenes.

Months or years passed in seconds while events that played a prominent role felt like ages.

"You saved him" Tony said absentmindedly, he wasn't really aware that he said it out loud.

The agent blushed, a decent shade of pink but a blush nonetheless "He needed a constant in life"

"not necessarily you but you did it anyway. Holding on to him no matter what" Tony envied the archer a little.

"Some things cannot be explained. Sometime we just feel that someone is special, that that person is worth your time and the trouble" Phil struggled for words.

"He told me he would bring me to a man who would care for me, when I go with him. That he knew someone who would protect me.

The first time I met you I knew whom he was talking about" Natasha smiled fondly.

"He always places too much confidence in me" Phil shook his head.

"He has every right, too" Natasha took Phil's hand "You are exactly the person he thinks you are"

Coulson snorted, faking his own death was a textbook example for reliability, he thought bitter.

A yell interrupted their heart to heart.

Natasha got up and Phil ran to the bedroom "Clint" he switched on the light.

Clint's clothes were soaked in sweat, his eyes wide and his breath labored.

"You're safe" Phil took Clint into his arms, barely dodging a fist to his face "You're safe"

Clint struggled against Phil's hold, his frantic yelling subsided to a heartbreaking whimper "Phil"

"I'm here" the older man kissed Clint's forehead "I'm here, you're safe"

"You're dead, saw you die. You can't be here" Clint gabbled.

Phil snorted, it was so like Clint to relive his horrible past and the only memory that pained him was Phil's biggest mistake and Clint's biggest regret "I'm alive, it was a dream"

Phil pushed Clint slightly backwards and opened his dress-shirt to reveal the scar next to his heart "Look" he took Clint's hand and held it against his chest "Can you feel it? It beats, does it? That means I'm real, I'm alive"

Clint took a shaky breath, the soft thump, thump against his hand felt wonderful.

Phil's heart was beating, his skin was warm and felt very much alive "Phil"

The confusion vanished from Clint's eyes and he recognized his surroundings.

He was home.

"You scared me here, for a moment" Phil chuckled, he felt relieved.

"Sorry, sir" Clint gave him a shy smile before he pulled his lover closer for a loving kiss.

"What are they doing here?" Clint frowned and then realization hit him.

"I think we should go" Steve suggested "See you tomorrow Barton" he tried to go back to normal.

Their pity was the last thing the archer needed.

:::::::::::::

"I don't know what to do" Clint walked into the living room, his hair was still wet from his shower.

Phil gave him some space after their fellow teammates left.

"Stay an Avenger or return to SHIELD" Phil sat on the couch.

"How can I go back?" Clint sat down next to Phil, leaning against the older man.

"They understand" Coulson wrapped his arms around his lover "I'm sure it won't be a problem"

"They saw my secrets, Phil" there was anger in Clint's voice.

"I know them, too"

Clint tensed even more "That's different"

"Why?"

"Because I love you" I trust you, I believe in you, I worship the ground you're working on.

"It wasn't always this way, between us" they had really hard times.

"They know my secrets... before I got the chance to trust them. I revealed them to you because I trusted you"

"Do you need a few more days to think?" Phil studied Clint's expression.

"Yes"

"Okay, I give Nick a call" but not now.

"What is with you?"

"Hm?" Phil hummed at the sudden change of direction.

"Will you remain with the Avengers even though I return to SHIELD, as a fulltime Agent?" Clint felt his stomach churn.

"Yes" he couldn't follow Clint "I'm their handler, I can't go back"

"Why?" it hurt.

"They need me" Phil knew his lover wasn't happy with the truth.

Clint struggled against the embrace and Phil had to release him "I'm tired" the archer went to bed, leaving a bewildered Phil behind.

Phil waited a few minutes to grant Clint some time to calm down, before he joined him.

He slipped under the blanket and listened.

Phil could hear that his lover's breath was irregular so he reached out to place a hand on his upper arm.

A very light tremor ran through his lover's body, that was answer enough "Don't cry" Phil snuggled closer "Hush"

But his gentle words made it worse, he was still very quiet but Phil knew he made Clint cry harder "Hush"

Phil slipped an arm under Clint's head and bent it to caress Clint's head and face, he could feel Clint's hot tears on his upper arm.

"I'm not leaving you" he placed a kiss on Clint's neck "I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere but they need me"

"I know" Clint whispered, they were Phil's new pet project.

"I always wanted to work with Captain America and be a superhero" Phil confessed "I'm not sure I can go back like nothing happened.

I don't want that life anymore and I'm sure Nick will never let me supervise dangerous ops anymore. I remain in the shadows from now on"

he wouldn't fight side by side with Clint.

It was his job now to observe and coordinate missions but it wasn't part of his job to put his own life on the line.

"I understand" but it was hard to adjust "I have to stay an Avenger then" or he would lose his lover forever.

"You don't have to if you don't want to" Phil buried his face in Clint's neck "You can work with Maria or Sitwell, you're on good working terms by now"

Clint remained silent.

He tried to imagine to be out in the field without Phil's calm voice in his ear, without Phil's protection.

Clint knew Phil wasn't a selfish man but he felt like Phil chose them over him.

Unreasonable as it was.

He knew better than that.

Phil was on active duty for decades, getting hurt, almost killed, on a regular basis.

It was just normal that he wanted to get away from it and he deserved it.

Clint's problem was that he needed the older man.

He couldn't protect Phil when he was on a mission for SHIELD, being the handler of Cap and his team didn't mean that Phil would be safe.

He couldn't go home together with Phil.

He would be at the helicarrier most of the time.

He might die somewhere, alone, leaving Phil behind.

"I need time to think" Clint mumbled, giving Phil's hand a squeeze.

::::::::::::

"Where is Barton?" Steve sounded slightly disappointed.

"On a mission. Details are classified" Phil stated.

He had been surprised as Nick called him to inform him that his lover accepted a mission and would be away for at least two days.

It hurt but Clint needed the space.

"He isn't coming?" Tony was sad.

"He needs time to decide what he wants" Phil explained.

"What are his options?" Natasha crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Being an Avenger or asset"

"He chose his job as asset?" she frowned.

"No" Phil shook his head "He's running from his decision"

"Sounds more like him" a smile tucked on her lip.

"Does that mean he is still an Avenger-slash-asset?" Tony asked.

"He's an Avenger who was kind enough to help Agent Hill out" Phil opened a file.

"Do you think he comes back?" Steve looked like a kicked puppy.

"I know that he comes back to me but I have no idea if he considers to be a hero" Coulson had no doubt that Clint would come back.

He had to.

::::::::::

"Hawkeye, report" Hill's voice gave him the chills, like nails on the blackboard.

They were over a decade older but he still couldn't get used to her voice.

The funny thing was, she didn't sound so sickening in real life but via headphone, nope, that was torture for his ears.

"Everything is fine" he continued to observe the restaurant "Melbourn and Kraft are still negotiating with the mark. Their cover is still intact "

"Good" she sounded pleased.

Clint spent the whole evening on the roof of a two story house and observed his comrades negotiate with an arms dealer.

He missed Coulson even more.

Hill remained silent until she demanded a report or gave out orders, he was thankful for that but it made him feel lonely.

He couldn't hear her breath or rustle in the background, all he could hear were the cars and civilians.

Phil made sure he didn't feel alone while he observed the scene.

"We have what we need, take him out" she ordered.

"Copy that" Clint let his arrow fly and the target was dead before he hit the ground.

"Rendezvous point in ten" and the line went dead.

Hawkeye left his nest and hid his equipment under a long coat.

He strolled down the street as if he didn't take a life just a few minutes ago.

:::::::::::

Clint snuck into their apartment, the lights were off.

He sneaked into the bedroom and got rid of his clothes before he slipped carefully under the blanket.

Phil didn't notice him, it was strange because they were light sleeper.

Clint watched his lover sleep, his eyes were good enough to make out the contours of Phil's face.

He looked exhaust even in his sleep and the soft lines of worry around his eyes were more prominent.

Clint wasn't sure what to do.

He wanted to take his lover into his arms but that would probably wake him and Phil needed his sleep.

Clint decided to place his hand close enough to Phil's body to feel his body heat but not close enough to touch and wake him.

He listen to Phil's soft snoring and inhaled his soothing scent, the familiar conditions lulled him to sleep.

Phil woke up a few hours later, staring right as his lover after he opened his eyes.

He didn't notice him, when did he come home? Why didn't he say anything?

Phil turned slowly around and tried to leave their bed without waking Clint.

"Good morning" Clint cracked an eye open.

"When did you come home?" why didn't you wake me?

Clint lifted his head up to look at the clock "Four hours ago. You were so exhaust that you didn't realize I was here. I thought I let you sleep"

"Go back to sleep" Phil bent over to kiss Clint's forehead "You look like death warmed over"

"When will you be back?" Clint blinked sleepily.

"I don't know, I think around 6 p.m." Phil let his hand wander over Clint's exposed back.

Faint scares were covering most of his back.

"I'm not hurt" Clint chuckled, he knew Phil's tricks "You could have asked you know"

"and where is the fun in that?" Coulson deadpanned.

Clint laughed "Be careful, okay?"

"Always" Phil headed for the bathroom.

The smile vanished from Clint's face as Phil was out of sight.

Fear was grabbing for his heart at the thought that Phil was going into the field without him.

Sure he wasn't directly in the line of fire anymore, but he was still too close for Clint's liking.

He wasn't supposed to be in the room with Loki at the helicarrier either.

:::::::::::

"Good morning son of Coul" Thor greeted "I heard that my brother's actions have caused a lot of trouble again"

"You could say that, yeah" Phil put down the stack of files he was carrying.

"Is he back, yet?" Steve asked.

"He came home six hours ago, unharmed and relatively pleasant-natured" a fond smile graced Coulson's lips, it was the first time they witnessed such a sign of happiness on their stoic Agent's face.

"I have to confess that I miss him" Tony stretched out in his chair and crossed his arms in front of his chest "He is a menace but he's witty.

It was fun to banter on an intellectual level. Not the Dr. Banner banter kind of intellectual but the life experience kind of witty"

Phil couldn't deny himself to grin "You have no idea" Clint was the horror of junior Agent's.

Tony smirked.

"Let's start, the sooner we start the sooner I can go home" he hoped Clint would be there.

A text message interrupted them halfway through the meeting.

It was from Clint, informing him that he was assigned to Riker until further notice.

Phil grabbed his phone so hard it cracked audibly.

"Coulson?" Steve frowned.

"Fury assigned him to Riker" Phil stated as if they should know what that meant.

"Who is Riker?" Bruce took off his glasses.

"Christopher Riker, 36, with SHIELD for eight years, handler for two years" Natasha recited "He never worked with Clint before"

"Is that a problem? Barton is able to work with strangers. We fought together against Loki" Steve liked the way they worked that day.

Hand in hand, and Barton matured a lot over all those years.

His extreme behavior was triggered by the grief Fury's lie had caused.

"Clint has his quirks and most people don't appreciate them" Phil said carefully "He's even grating on my nerves on those days"

"That is not good" Tony winced, Phil had the tranquility of a saint.

"That will end badly" Coulson buried his face in his hands "He gives me grey hair"

They laughed at Coulson's statement.

:::::::::

Phil made up his mind and invited his teammates over. Clint couldn't ignore them forever.

The day would come that their paths crossed and Phil was sure the sooner the better was the best option.

"Hey" the blinding smile vanished from the archer's face the moment he realized that Phil wasn't alone.

"We have to talk" Coulson cocked his head "Please"

Clint was angry, Phil knew damn well that he couldn't deny him anything when he did that.

The older man looked like a lost puppy.

"Do what you want" Clint's tone was icy.

The archer returned to the couch, drew up one knee and rested one arm on it, he stretched his arm out and abused the poor remote while he zapped from one channel to the next.

Phil sighed deeply and headed for their bedroom.

He felt like his tie suffocated him even more, as if Clint's anger wasn't enough to make him feel like he was choking on his emotions.

Natasha sat down on the ground, in front of the couch and leaned against Clint's leg.

It wasn't a gesture of submission, it was her way to offer comfort without invading his personal space too much.

She liked to sit on the floor, and they spent many nights side by side sitting on the floor, backs against a shabby sofa or bed, watching T.V. while they coped with the

events of the past days, or weeks.

Clint felt uncomfortable and fought against the urge to join her on the floor.

Steve, Tony and Bruce occupied the remaining seats.

"We want you to know that we mean no harm" Steve broke through the heavy silence.

Clint remained silent, he felt humiliated.

As if Loki stripped his soul bare, presenting his heart on a silver platter, for the world to see.

No, not as if, Clint thought bitter, that is exactly what he's done.

"We finally understand the why behind your behavior, and we don't hold a grudge against you and we promise to keep your memories a secret. No one will ever know"

Steve vowed.

"I'd like to apology for my behavior, during our first months. I didn't make it easy for you" Tony decided it was his turn to say something "I hope we can work on our,

let's call it, relationship. I had fun bantering with you the last two months and hope we can make a habit out of it" Stark loved to make snarky remarks and he had the

feeling that Barton loved it just as much.

"I'm not good with words" Bruce confessed "but I want you to know that we don't think less of you because of what we have seen. The contrary is the case, actually.

We think that you're a remarkable man. Modest and ready to give anyone hell who threatens people you consider worthy. You're a good man"

Clint huffed barely audible, it was funny that the man who claimed to be bad with words was the one who touched his heart.

Phil waited near the doorway and listened.

He was afraid he might interrupt their awkward attempt to make Clint believe them.

To his disappointment their talk fell on deaf ears.

:::::::::::

"Is it a new habit? Forcing me into awkward situations?" Clint took his spare blanket out of the dresser.

"I want you to acknowledge that they know, there is nothing you can do to change that" Phil stated calm.

"Why can't I handle it on my own pace?" Clint avoided Phil's eyes "I thought we passed that stage a long time ago"

"You need help" Phil justified "I wouldn't have done that if I had believed that you could do it on your own"

There it was again, the look of sadness on his younger lover's face "Don't push me" a sad smile graced Clint's lips. He knew Phil wanted to help and meant no harm but he pushed too hard.

"Sometimes I have to push, and that hard" Phil's expression was stern but he didn't feel that way.

"You promised to grant me some time" Clint turned to leave the bedroom.

"I granted you a few days off and not to run level 10 missions the moment I turn around and leave for work" Phil was angry, at Clint, at himself, at Loki, at anyone.

Clint sighed and walked over to Phil "I love you" he pecked Phil's lip before he turned around and left.

Phil knew Clint would sleep on the couch.

:::::::::::

The archer wasn't there in the morning.

His blanket lay carefully folded on top of the couch, the fabric was cold.

It was obvious that Clint had left hours ago.

That was two days ago.

"Something on your mind son of Coul?" Thor interrupted his thoughts.

"I don't know where he is" the Agent nibbled on his lower lip.

"Have you called Nick?" Natasha appeared behind him.

"Classified"

She groaned "Loki really did a number on him"

"I can't blame him for feeling humiliated" Bruce put his book down "I wouldn't want to reveal my sorrowful mysteries either"

"He said I pushed too hard, maybe he's right" Phil unloaded his weapon before he took the gun apart to clean it.

Natasha did the same while Steve showed Tony proper hand-to-hand combat.

Phil's phone interrupted their brooding mood "Coulson"

"When?" his mood changed drastically.

"Why?" he growled dangerously low.

They knew it was a very bad omen.

Phil hang up and threw his phone against the wall with a loud yell "Damn it Clint"

"Orders, sir?" Natasha was ready to extract Clint from whatever country he was stuck in.

"No orders" the older man's posture was stiff and they could practically see him seethe.

"Care to explain?" Tony raised an eyebrow.

"He got into an argument with Riker after their mission was compromised. Clint declared him a fool and vanished" that was so like him.

"Where is he?" Natasha hated nothing more than being useless.

"Ciudad Juárez" what the hell was SHIELD doing down there? "It just figures that he of all people ends up there" "I can get him" she offered.

"You know as well as I do that the chance to find him is practically nonexistent" Phil lifted his hands over his head and placed his hands against the back of his head.

"It's not your fault" Steve assured.

"I don't feel that way" Coulson shook his head.

"How's his condition?" Natasha asked. "I don't know. The only reason Nick gave me a call at all is that I'm Clint's next of kin, and I hold power of attorney" but the older

man didn't demand a decision, that was a good sign.

His eyes went wide, or his lover was already dead and there was no need for decisions.

"He's fine, just stubborn. And it's not the only reason he called" Natasha invaded his personal space and opened her arms, inviting Phil into her arms.

"I'll kill him" Phil pecked Natasha on the cheek before he stepped away "We have preparations to make. Stark I need to see your suits new gimmicks.

Rogers, please, teach Dr. Banner how to defend himself in his true form. Not the green guy" Phil took a deep breath before he followed Tony into his workroom, it wasn't the right time to let his guard down.

He was still an Agent and had to act like one.

::::::::::::

Phil walked into HQ to find Riker, his sour expression betrayed his mood and nobody dared to stop him.

"Riker" he stormed into the meeting room without a knock.

"Agent Coulson, right?" the young man frowned in surprise, his junior Agents seemed startled.

"Correct" Phil agreed "I'm here because of Agent Barton" "Ugh" Riker grunted "I lost him somewhere in Mexico.

Probably better for both of us, or I would have shot him" a smile tucked on his lip. "I expect an explanation" Phil demanded.

"He didn't socialize with us" a young woman chimed up.

"Not part of his job description" Phil refused to accept her argument.

"He doubted every decision I made, and ordered my Agents around" Riker stated dryly.

Phil felt his blood boil "He threatened your position as a leader" it was a fact, not a question.

"It's not on him to decide our moves or subvert morality, or my authority for that matter" Riker didn't realize how close he was to catch a bullet to the face.

"So you imposed sanctions on him?" Phil asked. "Yeah, I did. I restricted his scope and filed a complaint" Riker clarified "I don't know who his handler was before he got assigned to me but I feel sorry for the poor bastard"

"Allow me to point out that I will file a complaint against you Agent Riker" that was the chance Phil waited for.

"What?" the other man sputtered. "Why?" "He's a good handler" "He didn't do anything wrong" Riker's Agent's complained.

"Agent Barton is by far longer a SHIELD Agent than you Mr. Riker. He is capable to judge if orders could be improved or not" Phil took his time.

"Doesn't explain your complaint" Riker glared at the older Agent.

"You just labeled a top-ranking Agent as poor bastard" Phil was waiting for Riker's reaction.

"You were his handler?" he blurted out.

"Indeed, over ten years" Phil was proud of that, that made him a hero among his rank.

Even after his promotion to the Avengers exclusive handler and possessor of the highest security clearance.

His security clearance wasn't worth much, Nick loved to keep secrets or teach his Agents a lesson.

Phil could look into the mission report of Clint's mission but it wasn't necessary.

Nick told him exactly what he needed to know to make a move.

Reports could be faked, emotions could not.

Not if you played your cards right.

He knew that even the Black Widow used her emotions to fish for information, she let out what she needed and finishes the job.

She remembers her burning house, when she needed to be sad and she remembers their time with Clint and Phil, when she needs to be happy.

It wasn't possible for a well trained Agent and spy to miss faked emotions. "Ten?" the young woman gasped, that was a very long time.

"Why wait for ten years if you can get rid of him sooner?" Riker didn't understand.

"I never stopped being his handler" Coulson explained "He just wanted to pursue his favorite profession for a while.

He has to get used to his new job, so I grant him some time to reminisce.

You will see that changing your profession after 13 years can be difficult" the last part was meant for Riker's fledglings.

"I would have taken him along if I had known that I could give him back" Riker huffed. Coulson straightened his back and he appeared intimidating "You left him there?"

"He threw a temper tantrum and vanished, so we departed" a man was brave enough to reply.

"You left my Hawkeye, in Mexico's most dangerous town, without backup?!"

"He has a gun" Riker shrugged not sorry at all.

"You left him barely unarmed?" he wanted to laugh out of sheer frustration and disbelief. And explosion put an end to their discussion and Phil cursed his luck.

He pulled out his phone and called Captain America.

:::::::::::::

The explosion was caused by Pyro as he set a fuel tanker on fire.

"Cap, Toad is on his way to you. Be careful he's tricky" Phil was close enough to observe but far enough away not to get caught in the fight.

But he was aware of the fact that the situation could shift any moment and catch him right in the middle.

"Riker, send your Agents to the north side of the bank building" Phil ordered, they needed every Agent, there led no way around Riker's help.

"Yes, sir" he ordered his fledglings around but remained by Phil's side.

That made him a coward in Phil's eyes.

Hulk fought against Azazael while Tony struggled with Quicksilver.

Natasha was busy with Mystic. The X-men and fantastic four had joined them to get a grip on the Brotherhood.

"We should call the national guard" Riker babbled.

"They are of no use to us.

They are not trained to fight against mutants.

More allies are already on their way.

Thor mobilized his friends and will arrive shortly" Coulson was sure Riker was a lame duck and too inexperience.

"They're on their way to you" Steve warned "Get the hell out of here" Cap knew protecting Coulson under these circumstances was not possible at all.

Phil pulled his gun and was ready for whatever lay ahead of him, he wouldn't leave his team alone and apart from this there wasn't even enough time to find a safe

place.

Riker took the shotgun out of the trunk "Watch out" he hissed as a mutant appeared out of nowhere.

An arrow penetrated her chest before she could dig her sharp nails into Coulson's flesh.

"Nice shot Hawkeye" Phil took a shaky breath, that was close.

"You promised not to endanger your life, sir" Clint chided, he caught the ear piece Phil threw at him.

"Not much of a choice here" Phil shrugged, he was glad to have him back "How was Mexico?" "Hot" Clint eyed Riker "Sorry for the delay, sir but I missed my ride" Phil

fired at a mutant behind Clint "I heard about that"

"Nice shot, sir" Clint said amused.

"How have you made it back within a day?" Phil studied his lover, he seemed to be unharmed but inexpressible tired.

"I wanted to come home" that was the truth "I was gone for too long" Phil's heart skipped a beat "Good to know, Agent and now up with you and find a nest"

"That building looks good" Riker pointed at a six story house.

"It's compromised and directly in the line should Pyro decide to blow up the gas station one block away" Clint looked around "Sir, I'm up there" he nodded in the direction of a 12 story building and left.

"See, he's good" Phil praised.

"Disobedient and tactless" Riker snorted.

"If you say so" Coulson rolled his eyes when Riker wasn't looking.

"Making friends, sir?" Hawkeye's comforting voice appeared in his ear.

"No, Agent" Phil shot a slimy mutant.

"Harsh" Clint drawled. Phil turned around as an arrow barely missed him to see a snake like mutant fall to the ground.

Arrow sticking out of his head. "Have you truly thought I hit you?" Clint sounded more amused than offended at Phil's surprised expression.

"Wasn't so sure just now" he wasn't paying enough attention and just saw the arrow from the corner of his eye.

"You wound me, sir" an explosive arrow landed behind Riker "Keep your eyes open, Agent Riker" The other man mumbled something inaudible.

"Nice to have you here, Hawkeye" Tony floated around the building in search of Frost.

"I thought you could use a helping hand" the amusement was gone from his voice.

"Thank you" Tony threw himself back into the battle with Ms. Frost and a cat like boy.

The fight dragged on and on until they were all too tired to do real harm. Magneto called his mutants back to base and promised a next round, one day.

"I'm tired" Tony sat down in the middle of the street not far from Coulson's SUV.

"No shit" Clint huffed into his ear piece while he stood up to leave the roof.

"I missed him" Tony grinned dramatically. "We all did" Steve put down his shield "How are you Widow?"

"Have been better" she spotted a bruise on her neck and split lip "but you should see the other guy" Steve and Tony chuckled.

"The Clean-up crew will be here in about 20 minutes" Coulson informed, Riker had left to check on his Agents.

"I just want to sleep" Tony leaned against Cap, closing his eyes.

"Not here, Stark" there was amusement in Phil voice "a few more minutes and we can go home" Tony just wanted to make a snarky remark as Steve spun around and

found himself face to face with Sabretooth.

Phil aimed his weapon at him as something heavy collided with his body, his car exploded not far from him just a second later.

Tony fired his repulsor at Sabretooth and Widow strangled Rogue with a wire. Bruce transformed to give Sabretooth a very hard day.

It seemed Mystic decided to leave them a little present.

Geldoff made himself ready to fire a new energy ball as a knife found its way into his throat.

Clint upper body slumped back onto the ground, he gathered all his strength to throw the knife at all "That was close" he exhaled loudly.

Phil lay next to Clint on the ground, he didn't need long to recognize the familiar weight on top of him and after Clint rolled around to throw his knife he could finally analyze what the hell had happened.

Obviously Geldoff threw an energy ball at him and Clint saved his ass, again. Clint lay on the ground, breathing heavily. "Are you okay?" Coulson asked, the question

was meant for all of them.

"Great" Steve sighed.

"Fine" Bruce had transformed back.

"I'll live" Natasha rolled her neck.

"Just peachy" Clint huffed. "Coulson" he heard Riker "are you alright?" Phil sat up and focused his whole attention on his panting lover.

The skin of his arm displayed angry red marks, first and second degree burns "Is something broken?" Phil placed a hand against Clint's sweaty skin, eying the fine cuts

on his face and arms.

Coulson himself had a few cuts as well from the glass on the ground and the shrapnel the exploding car produced.

Soot and sweat was smearing both their faces and clothes. "I might have cracked my collarbone after my jump out of the third floor" the archer confessed.

Phil knew he should be angry but couldn't help it to feel loved by the gesture.

It was so like Clint to think of Phil, and friends, first.

"What were you thinking?" Steve chided "You could have died"

"Sorry ol' man but I had two options, jump and save Phil or let him die. The latter is absolutely not an option" "That was stupid" Riker interfered "You're a valuable

asset and SHIELD put a lot of money into your training"

"Do you mean I should have let him die?" Clint glared and struggled to get up but Phil's firm hand on his chest held him down.

"A handler is replaceable" Riker dug his own grave.

"He is absolutely not replaceable, we almost lost him once and we will never lose him again" Steve lectured "Agent Coulson and Hawkeye are members of our team

and that makes them part of the family.

So one more word about being replaceable or stupid and I will hit you" Clint gapped at Steve in awe, the older man gave Clint a kind smile.

"Welcome home" Phil smiled at Clint.

The archer let his head fall back and looked into the sky, Cap's words made him feel good.

"Don't pass out on me" Phil's face appeared in his field of vision, worry blazed in his lover's eyes.

"Not with such a pretty face in front of me" Clint whispered, Phil caught him by surprise as the older man kissed him, in front of anyone.

"Marry me?" Phil caressed Clint soot stained face.

"You're asking now?" the archer chuckled, his chuckle turned into a cough.

Phil hauled Clint into an upright position and held him close to his chest "Broken ribs?" the older man opened Clint's vest, feeling for broken bones and wounds.

He seemed to be alright. Clint caught Phil's hand in his own placing their intertwined hands on his belly "Nothing's broken, apart maybe from my collarbone"

"Okay" Phil breathed into his lover's ear. "I'd love to marry you" Clint turned his head and captured Phil's lips with his own.

The avengers have wandered off somewhere to grant them some space , not too far but enough to be not considered as nosy, just Riker and his team gawked at them

in utter disbelieve.

"Isn't that against regulation?" they heard the woman say.

"No, it isn't. SHIELD is not interested in their Agents sex-life as long as it doesn't interfere with the job" Fury joined them.

"It is interfering with their job" Riker nagged, the archer was nice to his handler to get laid.

"Not that I know of" Nick shrugged "They did a remarkable job the last ten years"

"Thank you, sir" Clint smirked "Hey Nick, you wanna be Phil's best-man?" Their eyes went huge at Clint's disrespect for the director.

"Was about time. Agent Romanoff and I were already scheming" the director sounded highly amused. "Scheming, huh?" Clint narrowed his eyes "Like the time you

made me believe Phil is dead?"

"That was an idea born out of necessity" he grimaced slightly, he felt indeed sorry. "One more slip-up and I'll leave the organization and make it my mission in life to

hunt you down" that was a promise, they both knew that. "Agreed" Nick nodded "And now get your ass to medical"

"Yes, sir" Phil fought against the urge to smirk.

"And you Agent Riker will hand over your duties to Agent Rodriguez. Report to Agent Sitwell, he will brief you" Nick winked at Phil.

"But, director" Riker argued "I have done nothing wrong"

"You left an Agent behind, you insulted a higher ranking Agent and you lack some experience. You're not qualified for your position. I bust you down to a middle class

Agent, you might get your 'current' job back one day"

"Yes, sir" Riker gritted out before he left. "Let me help" Nick put an arm around Clint and helped Phil to get the archer into the next available car.

::::::::::::

"Leave it to Clint to jump off a building and come away with nothing more than an incomplete fracture" Phil sighed deeply.

"You should be happy about that" Clint chuckled.

"I'm not happy about the burns and cuts, and the crack in your collarbone" Phil was scandalized at Clint's way of thinking.

But his younger lover had a point, it could have been worse, by far worse and he should be thankful for such 'minor' injuries.

Clint took Phil's hand "I would be disappointed if you were"

"Will you stay with us?" Tony needed an answer. "Yes" Clint looked from Tony to Steve and from Steve to Bruce "I think you proved that you will have my back"

"Always and no matter what" Steve beamed at Clint "We missed you, kind of..." Clint laughed out loud, it felt good. They made him feel good.

It wasn't just him, Phil and Nat anymore and that was a scary thought.

But at the same time the thought looked promising as well "I take the risk, ol' man"

"What happened Clint?" Phil caressed his archer's face, it was one of the few times that Clint's skin was darker than the white hospital sheets.

"They don't understand me, and they don't want to. I can't do that without you and Nat" he felt so alone during missions and his presence wasn't always appreciated

"I was nice, I tried really hard to make you proud but I did something wrong and I'm not exactly sure what it was that set them off"

"Hill is bitchy don't take it to heart. It depends on her mood if she tolerates you or not" Phil got on her bad side more than once during his career "and Riker... He was

just jealous. You provided everything he lacked. Experience, the ability to work under hard pressure and the required amount of intelligence"

"You're intelligence is impressive" Tony stated, realizing too late that he might had crossed a line.

"Not bad for someone without a proper education, right?" Clint wanted to test them.

"Damn straight, I think I can teach you a lot of things. I can always use some help with my projects. And I promise you a lot of mischief and fun as a reward" Tony

replied conspiratorially.

They waited for Clint to show an reaction and they let out a breath of relief as a smile graced the archer's lips.

It seemed Tony passed his test "Mischief?" Clint asked very interested.

No pity and no walking on eggshells, that was exactly what Clint wanted and needed.

"Oh yeah" Tony promised "but you have to get out of here first"

"The IV bag is almost empty and then I'm free to go" he was dehydrated and lacked a few nutrients.

He hated hot places and he had not much time to lose to make his way over the border and back to Phil.

The thought 'home' had kept him going, it echoed like a mantra through his head until he was back in NY and set eyes on Phil.

"Sorry but you have to postpone your mischief-date" Phil wasn't sorry at all "but I need my fiancée tonight. He has to sleep and he's grounded for the next 48 hours for

leaving without a note"

"Yes, sir" Clint said dramatically, rolling his eyes.

"Good" Phil smiled gently, looking at Clint with the loving gaze Clint adored.

Barton's heart raced and his stomach was full of butterflies "Love you" his reached out his arms to pull Phil down against his chest.

Clint's movements were so quick that Phil had no time to react "Love you, too" he said surprised.

Clint held Phil tight while he gave Nat a blinding smile.

There was a happiness in his eyes she never witnessed before "We should let them him rest" she winked at Clint.

It felt incredible to see her best friend so happy and she knew that things would turn out well, for all of them.

The End