Hey everyone! It's November 2016, and I've been inspired to rewrite this weird and hilarious fan fiction that I wrote when I was a sophomore in high school.

There were a lot of problems with this fic beyond just the spelling and grammar errors. My biggest problem was with the depiction of nonconsensual sex. When I was 16, I had no idea what rape was. I assumed it was a word that could only be applied to tentacle monsters and creepy men jumping out of the bushes. In my ignorance, I wrote a lot of really not okay scenes into this fic. I sincerely believed that was what sex was supposed to be like.

Once I knew better, I couldn't let this fic continue to exist in it's fucked up state. I could either take it down or rewrite it. I just love it too fucking much to get rid of it all together. So I'm rewriting it and taking out those incredibly upsetting scenes, and while I'm at it, I plan to take some extra time making it an all around more engaging story.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed in the past, positive and negative. I'm rewriting this for you.

Now get ready for some rocking hot vampire Kyman!

Yours,

Gracie

It started eight years ago.

At first Eric had no idea what was happening. He was changing into someone, something, he didn't understand. Food no longer tasted glorious and delectable. At first Eric thought it was his mother's cooking skills that were failing, but when Cheesy Poofs started tasting like chalk he realized there was something seriously wrong with him. There were other things as well. He experienced increased agility, increased strength, and all of his senses were amplified and refined. It wasn't until Butters jumped through Eric's window one night that he understood the magnitude of these changes.

"Butters! What the fuck?" Eric shouted as he sat up in bed. How the hell did this blonde asshole leap into his second-story bedroom?

"Eric, you gotta understand. I never meant to… oh gee." He looked away remorsefully. "I'm really sorry."

"Is this about the night you broke into my room and tried to give me hickey?" Eric snickered. "Whatever dude, you're gay."

Suddenly, Butters grabbed the front of Eric's shirt, dragging him out of his bed with a demonic look in his eye. "Don't you get it, you fat retard?" he yelled.

"Ay! Don't call me fat, homo!"

Butters frowned. "Tell me, Eric, have you been experiencing any significant changes since that night?"

"Pssh, like what?"

"Did you lose your sense of taste?" Eric's eyes widened in shock and Butters grinned. "And I bet you've suddenly become stronger and faster than you'd ever thought was possible."

Eric shoved Butters off of him and glared. "What the fuck is happening to me, Butters? What the fuck did you do?"

Butters sighed, "Ok, ok. Well, you see… I'm a vampire. And I bit you and now you're a vampire too."

Eric's jaw fell open. "Butters, you're so stupid. Vampires don't exist."

"W-why, yes they do!"

"Get the fuck out of my room!"

"You don't believe me? Well fine!" Butters grabbed Eric by the shoulders and pushed him against the wall. He stretched back his lips and opened his mouth wide. Eric stiffened in terror as two of Butters' teeth lengthened to a sharp point. Eric tried to scream, but the noise wouldn't come out.

"Do you believe me now?" Butters asked.

Eric closed his eyes tight. "This is a dream... I'm dreaming. Wake up, Eric! Wake up!"

Butters scowled and smacked Eric across the face. "Snap out of it!" he shouted. "Now listen here, Tubby…"

"–Ay!–"

"This isn't a dream! You are a vampire. You have these too," he pointed to his fangs, "so how about you stop acting like a little pussy!"

Eric took a deep breath and felt along the bottoms of his teeth.

"No I don't, artard."

"You have to think about blood for them to extend."

Eric closed his eyes thought about blood and gore and army dudes being shot up.

"Nothing happened."

Butters rolled his eyes and walked over to the dresser. He grabbed Eric's Swiss Army knife, and flicked open the blade. Slowly, he dragged the knife across the palm of his open hand. At first Eric was horrified and vaguely nauseous, but as the blood started to pour out from Butters' hand something inside Eric stirred. He felt a desire that Mr. Garrison would have described as three hundred erections in the same penis. Butters saw the change in Eric's expression and smiled.

"What's the matter, Eric. You want a taste?"

Everything about the situation was totally fucked up and gay, but Eric decided to just go with it. Mostly because that blood looked so fucking tasty. He absent-mindedly ran his tongue across his teeth, but started when he felt the prick of sharp fangs. Butters was right; vampires existed and Eric was one of them.

The taste of blood was beyond anything Eric had ever experienced. Better than anything he had eaten in his entire life. Better than Cheesy Poofs. Better than KFC chicken skins. It was even better that Kyle's Jew tears. Eric shamelessly licked Butters hand clean of every drop of blood the wound would yield. He felt the cut slowly closing under his tongue and he pulled away in time to watch it disappear completely.

"Vampires have special healing powers?" Eric asked, slightly out of breath.

"Yeah. Our blood will heal any wound, and it also kills illnesses. It's impossible for us to get sick."

"That's so sick, dude. Do I have to drink blood to survive?"

"Not often, but you're going want to constantly. Just remember to keep yourself in line. You can't go around killing people willy-nilly. If you're ever desperate, just go kill a forest critter. Or you can always come to me. Lots of vampires drink each other's blood to curb the cravings."

"Are there other vampires in South Park?"

"I know a few, but they have to choose to reveal themselves to you."

Eric sat down on the edge of his bed looking tired. Butters sat down beside him.

"Are you ok, Eric? It sure is a lot to take in." He gently placed a comforting hand on Eric's shoulder.

"Thanks, Butters. I don't know where I would be without you…"

"Well shucks, it's nothing–"

"Just kidding! I wouldn't be a fucking vampire, you gaywad! Fuck you!" Eric grabbed Butters's hand and threw him against the wall. The impact left a crack in the plaster, and Butters coughed violently, blood splattering onto the floor. For a second Eric though about running over to get a taste, but he held back. He wasn't a lesbian anymore. His carpet licking days were behind him.

"W-well," Butters sputtered with shiny blood dripping from his mouth, "I guess I deserved that one, didn't I?"

"Damn right you did, ass-fuck."

"I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me, Eric." Butters stumbled to his feet. "I better go. I don't want to get grounded for sneaking out at night. See you at school tomorrow!" He jumped out of the still open window, which Eric immediately went over to close and lock for good measure. Just then there was a knock from the bedroom door.

"Pookie-kins?" Mrs. Cartman's concerned voice was muffled, but distinct. "Is everything alright? I heard a loud noise."

"It's fine, Meeeeemm!" Eric whined. "It's just that stupid Butters turned me into a stupid vampire!"

"Oh that's nice. You know you have school tomorrow, Eric. You can play more with your friend then. Right now you should really go to bed."

"Whatever bitch, I do what I want!"

"Ok, hon." Eric heard her footsteps echoing down the hallway. He knew she wouldn't believe him. Stupid fucking bitch.

Eric climbed into bed and stared at the ceiling. He would never get sick, he could easily beat up anyone who tried to fuck with him, and his diet now consisted of the the most rich, delicious flavors he'd ever experienced. Maybe being vampire wouldn't be that bad.

That night, Eric Cartman dreamt of an endless river of blood stretching from horizon to horizon. He was an animal, all instinct and prowess. A hunter. A cold-blooded killer. When he finally woke up he felt giddy and drunk on his own power.

No, being a vampire wouldn't be too bad at all.