Title: The Hat of the Hatters
Fandom: Syfy's Alice/Disneyland
Disclaimer: Don't own either.
Characters/Pairings: Hatter/Alice
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for series. Some Oldskool!Disney!Hatter bashing.
Summary: Alice's first vacation with Hatter in her world does not go so well.
Dedication: For lithiumlaughter. Merry Christmas!

"I want you to know that never in the history of Hatters has there ever been a fellow with that big of a snooze." Hatter paused for affect. "Just in case you're wondering or anything."

Alice gave him her 'WTF' face. It was an expression that both she and her mother had cultivated over the years in order to deal with situations just like these. Since she'd started dating Hatter, it'd been put to good use a lot lately. "Okay…"

Hatter frowned at her. "Aren't females usually worried about this sort of thing?"

"I'm not following."

"Alright. This is obviously one of those cultural differences that we knew would come up eventually."

"Still not following."

Hatter gave her one of those looks that he used to give her back in the day when she was still convinced that she loved Jack and Hatter was convinced that there were serious problems with her brain. Alice took deep breaths to resist the urge to toss him over the Magic Mountain. He'd managed to survive being tortured by Doctors Dee and Dum. He'd do just fine getting kicked off the log boat as it was going down the rapids.

"Right." Hatter leaned over her seat, his arms draping over her shoulders. "So, in Wonderland, we did things a bit differently when it came to choosing a life mate."

"I kinda suspected given the fact that you were all emotionally repressed."

"As I was saying – looks were a very big deal and I just want you to know that there was never ever a Hatter in the history of Wonderland who had that big a nose, or prematurely white curly hair." He nodded to himself, satisfied that all the bases were covered and slid back into his seat.

Alice turned around to stare at him. "I knew it."

Hatter glared. "Sit down and enjoy the bloody ride."

"You are! You are upset. I knew it."

"I am not. I have nothing to be upset about."

"Uh huh." Alice gave him another 'WTF' face.

"Stop it."

"So, you had absolutely no problem with the coat."

Her boyfriend crossed his arms. "None at all."

"Or the pants."

"At least I'm not required to wear them."

Alice went for the kill. "What about the hat?"

"YOU CALL THAT A HAT?" He pulled off his own hat and waved his hand around it. "This. This is a hat that deserves to be worn by a Hatter. Not to loud. Doesn't draw attention and yet gets it point across just fine. Notice the perfectly balanced brim. This is a hat that you can throw into the air without worrying if it will come back or not. This is a hat to be proud of. A hat that a normal person could wear, but only a Hatter could do justice to." He crammed it onto his head. "And it is most definitely not compensating for anything," he hissed.

"Are you done?"

Hatter slouched on the plastic seat. "Yes."

"Thank God," said some nameless individual behind him.

Hatter turned around slowly. "Care to repeat that?"

Behind him, Alice shook her head wildly and waved her arms. There were children present on this ride. It would not do for Hatter to introduce some foolish father to his right sledgehammer. Hatter wouldn't be able to pay for the psychiatrist bills. Thankfully, said parent got the hint.

Unfortunately, Hatter was looking for a fight.

"Come on, come on. No need to be shy. I just want to know why you have a problem with my hat." He smiled and winked at one of the small children. "Want to point out who it was for me, poppet?"

The child grinned back.

"No!" Alice screamed as the child pointed a finger at the unfortunate individual.

Hatter grinned. "Hello."

"Hatter…" Alice growled, her fingernails biting into her palm.

"Just a sec, Alice." Hatter grabbed the front of the individual's button-up shirt. "So, want to tell me what's so bad about my hat?"

"Hatter! Sit down now!"

"Is it because you don't have your own hat? Is that why you need to poke fun at mine? To make yourself feel like a man? Is that it?" Hatter was now standing up in the boat, dragging up his victim with him. Behind them the children where giggling loudly at the sight of their father about to have his head broken in.

Alice sat up on her knees and tried to grab the back of her boyfriend's tan jacket. "Put him down. We're almost at the waterfall!"

Hatter cast a glance over his shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll be done by then."

Alice growled. Bad enough that she had to listen to this annoying song sung in annoying high-pitched voices by woodland creatures but she had to deal with Hatter's issues at the same time. "Fine, but don't expect me to take you to Disneyland ever again."

Hatter ignored her. "Speak up, man! What's wrong with my hat? I so desperately want to know."

His victim gagged around Hatter's strong grip.

"This hat has been passed down generations of Hatters, y'know? They didn't see anything wrong with it."

"It's beautiful." The man managed to gasp out.

Hatter beamed. "Isn't it?" He dropped his victim back in his seat before plopping down onto his own. "See, Alice? I told you I would be able to clear this up before the waterfaaallllll!"

A short minute later, Alice was patting Hatter's arm as he purchased a picture of them going over the Waterfall of Magic Mountain and of Hatter's hat flying off his head.

"Don't worry. I'm sure it can't have gone far." Alice was slightly worried. Hatter LOVED that hat. From their brief adventures in Wonderland, she knew that he was liable to lose his shit if the hat was harmed. Perhaps if she managed to jam some Mickey Mouse ears on his head, she'd be able to save Disneyland from becoming the grounds of a massacre.

Hatter tilted his head to the side to stare at her. "What's your problem?"

Oh God. He hadn't noticed. Or perhaps it just hadn't registered yet.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Had her voice always been that shrill?

Hatter raised his hand to the sky. "Is this about the nose thing again? I really should sue someone over this caricature. I mean, how could they have gotten a Hatter that wrong? The first Alice must have been very upset with Hatter the First to have said he had that nose."

"Forget the nose! It's your hat!" Alice slapped her hands over her mouth. Stupid! Stupid Alice! Now he was going to go ape shit and kill everyone and make hats out of their skin.

Hatter frowned. "What about it?" He said, just as a small tan hat fell into his hand. He placed it on his head. "Alice?"

Alice was fairly certain that at this point her face was firmly stuck in 'WTF' mode.

"You feeling alright?" Hatter gently drew her away from the Magic Mountain.

Alice nodded weakly.

"Good." Hatter grinned. "Wanna go introduce the impostor to a real Hatter? I'm just dying to shake his hand." He flexed his right hand, cracking the knuckles.

Alice sighed. "Fine."

A short while later they were escorted out by security guards and asked not to come back. Ever.