Title: Stargate SG-29
Occurs: Seasons 7-8
Spoilers: SG-1 Seasons 7/8
Description: An all-European, international cooperation team sounds like a good idea. Unfortunately, not only did the countries send their most worthless, expendable people, but cultures begin to clash as well. The rest of the SGC doesn't like them either. And the leader is an absolute snob.
Author's Notes: This is probably the first story I semi-planned out. However it is a parody, so some things will be all over the place. There is some racial stereotyping, so those who are easily offended may not like this story. I'm not trying to offend anyone, so don't get the wrong message.
Prologue: The Best of The Best (?!)
General Hammond is always really stressed out. There were always politicians complaining, new developments on the fate of the world, and people getting killed in increasingly ridiculous ways, not to mention the day-to-day running of the base. But O'Neill had an idea that would hopefully satisfy the politicians. And that would take a lot of pressure of Hammond's back.
"Why don't we create a team of international people? It'll satisfy the international community, make the politicians happy, and we can laugh at them as they go through culture shock. We won't even have to put them on important missions! They can do the boring jobs that I hate."
General Hammond, who was half-drunk, half-asleep, and half-baked mumbled, "Yesisisissss, mmmm"
The next day the cannon fodder- um I mean SG-29 was assembled, despite a plane trip and bureaucratic crap that should have made it take longer. O'Neill surveyed the team. They were lined up, in something resembling standing at attention.
"I'll start with you, you're the team leader. Colonel Basil Cunningham, SAS, right?"
"That would be Sir Basil Cunningham to you, Yank." Basil spat the words out with contempt.
"Oookay then," O'Neill backed away and looked at the next person. A sassy looking Frenchwoman. He once thought women were useless in fighting but then Sam came along, and she was blond. Well if Sam was okay then this Frenchwoman should be okay. Or maybe not. What looked like a makeup compact fell out of her pocket and she fell as she tried to pick it up.
She got up and said "Major Marie Blanc SIR!" As she saluted she managed to clip O'Neill in the face. If it weren't for the fact that he had to look impressive his face would already be in his palm. He went on to the next person in line.
O'Neill read his nametag. Lieutenant Hans Schaft. He looked okay. Then suddenly he pulled out a pistol and fired into the air shouting "SEIG HEIL! COLONEL O'NEILL!"
O'Neill simply backed away into the next person. He came to attention smartly and said "Lieutenant Boris Komarkov reporting for duty, SIR!" He looked alright. Then O'Neill saw that he still had a hammer and sickle on his uniform.
The last person, Lieutenant Mario Belliarno, was Italian. He was also Mafia, but O'Neill didn't know that. His job was to spy on the military for the Mafia. But he accidentally got posted here. He didn't talk to O'Neill at all.
Choosing a weapon can be a lengthly process. For Cunningham, it was not. He had brought an L85 rifle, which was a pain to find ammo for.
For Marie, it was an utter disaster. She kept dropping things, then managed to shoot the range sergeant in the foot. Eventually she selected the smallest and lightest weapon availible, the MP7.
Hans had an easy time selecting a weapon. He simply searched through the racks, examining each weapon for flaws and testing the quality. Eventually he selected a G36.
"German built. I see someone likes their home country." stated Cunningham in a very elitist way.
"And you do not? I see you have taken an L85, derivative of SA80, last in a long line of weapons from Enfield, British built, used since the 1960s."
Cunningham was left speechless.
Komarkov already had an AK-47, but had to give it up after searching the entire SGC and finding no ammo. He hung his head in failure and sadness and took an M4 from the silent sergeant.
Mario Belliarno was a problem. After half an hour of arguing and Italian swearing, he finally gave up his Thompson in favour of an UZI.
"Ugh, that was boring watching you do that. Now for something exciting."
Just go to the next chapter please.