A/N This is in fact a Jasper/Bella story--so if you're not into it just DON'T READ!

I've taken a very different plot turn with this story and think that this will be one of my best.

-taylorcullenforever

disclaimer: i own nothing--twilight belongs to SM--so sad.

ALSO: Bella is still human, however the cullens are vampires.

Thanks so so so much to my awesome beta who never fails to surprise me-- R.M.J Lennixx

1

Something I Can Never Have

Chapter One:

Battle For Everything

Song: Carry You Home by James Blunt

Being married isn't so bad. At least not like what my mother had told it'd be. I recall being a child playing with Barbies—pretending that Ken and Barbie would get married and forever love each other. She'd come up to me, stroking my head, as she told me marriage was really a curse. I'd look at her with bafflement then, wondering why my mother had the guts to crush any happiness I got from my Barbies. She had told me being married to someone was like mowing an ever-growing field of grass—the kind of field that had grown an inch even before you'd finished. She said it was suffocating, like being buried under library books from school, studying from exams, till the point it felt like there was no longer breathing room. Mom said it was horrifying, the equivalent of having taken a nature leak on every road trip till you were older and demanded a porta-potty. Till you realized the germ-infested bowl that held blue water was nowhere close to being like the safe damp earth only inches beneath your bottom.

I'd had questioned her, wondering what made Mom say such things. In the movies, marriage was a beautiful thing. Well, expect for those movies were the husband or wife cheated with another person—either a best friend or a person from their past. Mom had only left that day when I'd nodded unable to speak. But since that day I've questioned her, every single day.

The things is, no matter how pestering the pleas she drilled into my head were, about waiting to get married, they never fazed me. How could I when I spent years as a child watching all of Mom's friends happily married, even if they did fight once in a while? Sure, Mom had her points, but she was choking on the past still. Charlie just hadn't been right for her, which was their problem. That was why their marriage had failed—even after a bit of trying. I was not like my mother—I would not mess up like she had. Or so I told myself.

I only had one question, though. Are you ever truly satisfied? To the point where an opportunity rears its head yet you don't even bat an eyelash? Is it possible to be extremely happy with just one person? I didn't have justifiable answer for any of these, however I only knew that some things just couldn't suffice.

Is what I'm about to do really so very wrong? Did God judge a person for loving someone when they craved another being? Was it plausible to love two at the same time? Was it against God's wishes? I had so many question, most of which have yet to be answered. The mountain of questions reminded me of the day when I was seven and a girl from the neighborhood had been found dead on the town carousel with a shot to the head. My parents had showered me with questions that poured from their mouths like the month when June bugs flooded the earth. I'd been the last one to see or talk to her. Her brother had been the one who'd shot her.

All I know is that I'm happily married to Edward Cullen, however somewhere deep inside I'm not exactly happy. I, Bella Cullen, have literally plunged head first into the dark side. A pair of cold arms wrap around me, securing me in their embrace that reminds me of one my mother used to give me once I'd gotten too old for voluntary hugs. It was like being wrapped up in a wrapper, a piece of candy. I close my eyes tiredly, hoping it's the one person I'm longing for.

Though, whom exactly am I longing for?

"You look sleepy, sweetheart." Edward's voice is unintentionally low, the sound coming from deep in his throat. Not like honey, but more seducing like newly washed silk sheets that you dive into while the sun shines in from the window. I feel myself tremble.

"I'm fine, just a bit tired. Have you gotten the dress from Alice?" The dress was in fact for the prom-like dance the hospital was having for cancer and leukemia patients that could not leave to attend a real prom. I was volunteering to help. I spin around in his arms, pressing my lips gently against his loose smile.

"I have. You're going to look gorgeous." He stares down at me.

"I doubt it. It'll take all of Alice's magic touch to make me gorgeous." I pull away from him just in time to see Rose and Emmett sucking face in the next room. How lovely. I block that sight with my hand, climbing the stairs. As my hand slides across the slick railing, my stomach takes an internal punch.

"Bella, you cannot tell me you don't feel it too." He stares at me, hand out, reaching for me. He doesn't know if I care. He's trying to find the proof. My mouth opens; he's perplexed by my reaction. I'm a little shocked from my reaction as well.

"You know we can't!" I retort, ready to scream bloody murder. I was hoping to get this fact through his thick skull, that not only will this ruin our family. It will ruin us…

Edward follows me aimlessly, staying a good foot away for the walk. He still doesn't seem to understand that since the wedding I've needed more alone time than before. Edward doesn't seem to understand me at all anymore. I don't even understand myself. It's like I've changed suddenly, as if everything I've been feeling was swiped away. Feeling so changed was like leaving your family for a year to go off on your own, only to come home to find everyone different and just as fine without you as they were with you.

Now, all of this didn't mean I no longer loved Edward, it just meant that what I thought was the greatest love in the world had no turned into just another love. It was only now did that I realize I was waiting for love number two to show up. Knowing that made me extremely guilty. Though I think Edward will come to realize—one day—that I'm not exactly what he really wanted.

Edward's hands press down on my shoulders, pushing down my button-up shirt that's actually his. His lips lavish the back of my neck along with my collarbone as his fingers unhurriedly undo each smooth, creamy colored button.

"You don't understand, Bella," he says, voice hushed.

"I do! You're the one who doesn't understand! What about her?" His mouth comes to a close, fingers unwrapping themselves from around my wrists. He knows exactly whom I'm talking about. Did he even once think about what his could—would—do to her? I would never forgive myself if she ended up heartbroken because I was reckless and weak.

I melt myself harder against Edward, gaining more friction. I needed him out of his clothes. I needed me out of my mind. I'm a linear away from getting me into the mood. I'm hyper-aware of Edward's hard-on giving away just how excited he really is. I moved us to the bed, lying down on the bouncy mattress, before Edward topples on top of me. Maybe if Edward's inside of me I'll forget about everything. Maybe I'll remember that I love him with every fiver of my being, remember that I'm his wife. But everything has recently gone to shit and I'm falling—deep. I don't know how to think anymore, let alone feel what I'm supposed to feel.

Edward's hands come down, pressing firmly against my wetness. I gasp, fingers locking around tightly to the sheets rustling under me. Pleasure colors my eyes red and black, blurring everything into shapes and colors. I buck greedily, not caring about me being undeniably fragile. His hands keep rubbing at the pace he's going—too slow to bring me to the brink. Slamming my head down onto a soft pillow, I place my hand over his. I enter his fingers deep, plunging him in-between my walls of convulsing flesh.

"How can I make you see?" he asks, coming closer. I take a step back.

"See what?" I ask.

"See that we could be perfect for each other!"

"You should have told me that before I married Edward." What was I saying? He was already married to someone else anyway! It wouldn't have made a difference; one of us was still married.

"I was scared. I wasn't sure how to tell you."

"I love him."

"You can love me too." I don't respond. I'm not sure what to say. What can I say? Could I love him?

Edward removes his fingers, brushing my hand aside, before he shoves slowly. His shaft an alien inside me. I lay back nowhere near the pleasure I'd been at when I'd controlled his fingers.

"Faster," I rasp out, need suffocating me to the point I'm sure I'm staring up at the black lid of my casket. Underneath the damp grass where they buried me. My corpse soaking in the last few gulps of air.

"Bella."

"Please, Edward." I moaned, begging, bucking my hips as I finally find us moving at a decent pace. Edward stops me instantly, hands holding me down. I'm finally at the breaking point. It's like a gun's in my hand, pointing directly at Edward. I can't stop the rage bursting out of me like a hurricane that decides to set itself upon the earth—reeking havoc.

"You know what, Edward?! I'd really appreciate it if you'd actually fuck me sometime. It would just really make my day," I yell, throwing my hands up in the air. I feel him wilt then slip from me. I grab the sheet under me before wrapping it around my body. A Greek goddess. I slam the door open, already on my way to the bathroom. I know everyone heard our fight and that they're probably still listening but I could care less.

Jasper stands at the doorway of his bedroom. Our eyes lock, and I wonder what he's thinking. I wonder if Edward heard his thoughts, if he knows what we're planning on doing.

"I think that's what scares you the most. Knowing you could love me. Maybe even more than you ever loved Edward." He says, hand pressed against my heart.

Everything moves in slow motion. Edward emerges from our bedroom, Jasper takes a step toward me, and Alice appears at the top of the stairs. A panic attack awakening in me, I fling myself into the bathroom. Locking the door behind me.

REVIEWS = LOVE