PRIDE - Season 5 Episode 13,5 - The Lost Scenes

by Doreen Freitag

The booming thumpa-thumpa noise filled the air. „What have you done today to make you feel proud?" While the glitter was raining down on Brian in the re-opened "Babylon", he finally realized: it wasn't enough just being Brian Kinney. It was time now to step out of the ordinary. Today was the day he had to make himself proud.

Doreen Freitag - ambitiously translated by Van Eijk / German version online, too. –

QUEER AS FOLK Fanfiction
The characters belong to Showtime and base on an idea of the great Russell T Davies. No infringement on any held copyrights intended or assumed.

Season 5 Episode 13 ½ - The Lost Scenes

"PRIDE"

While the glitter was raining down on Brian in the re-opened "Babylon", he finally realized: it wasn't enough just being Brian Kinney. It had been way too long and belonged to the past now, though Mikey had tried to make him believe that his place was here. Brian frowned slightly. Always had been. Always would be. But no, not anymore. Some things had to change.

Four weeks had passed since Justin's departure to New York. Four long weeks, without a single word from him. Had Sunshine already forgotten him? Or, even worse, did Justin know how much it would hurt him when calling him just to tell him that he would come next week, next month or never again? And yet, he knew the moment after Justin had closed the loft door silently behind him, neither of them would call.

The booming thumpa-thumpa noise filled the air. „What have you done today to make you feel proud?"

What had he done today to make himself feeling proud? The reopening of the "Babylon". Wow. It was empty and meaningless without Justin's laugh.

Brian looked down from the pedestal, to his friends who had put him there. Mikey was standing next to the pedestal, embraced by Ben, and looked up at him. Ted was dancing with his little junkie. What was his name? Craig? Jake? Who cared?

Emmett, rouged and campy as ever, was holding his new lover in his arms. Brian had seen him before but never had had him – neither in the darkroom, a dark alley nor in his loft. He didn't wear the special Brian Kinney sign "I had fucked him". And for some reason, Brian wasn't interested in him now.

That's it – his mental list of friends seemed to be alarmingly short. Though it had never been really long.

Lindsay… No, she had left him with their son, Gus, to live in Canada. He pursed his lips while pushing the thought away. He didn't want to think about the only woman who had meant something to him.

So – who else? Of course, there was another very important person - his "chosen mother".

Debbie and Carl were standing at the bar, chatting and giggling. Her laughter died immediately, when the woman who had showed him so many times that he couldn't cheat her, was looking up at him.

What had happened? His eyes darted back to Mikey, not being able to hide his confusion since his friend's look had also become serious. Was something wrong with him?

Indeed. He had stopped dancing. His grip around the rail had tightened, turning his knuckles white.

Suddenly, something became plain as sunlight. He knew what he had to do. Why in all heaven's name had he bullied Ted daily for four weeks to re-open the "Babylon" as soon as possible, only to see the blatant truth now?

He wasn't the same person he had been five years ago. He hadn't become a new person, but didn't want to be the person he had been, either.

Mikey's brown puppy dog eyes were still fixed on him questioningly. Brian knew that it was only a matter of time until his friend would realize that he had lost the last battle.

A grin went across Brian's face, while watching Mikey's mouth voicing a silent protest.

Poor joy spread across Debbie's face at the same time, confirming to Brian she had only waited for this moment. She hadn't said a single word within the past four weeks because she might have guessed, or hoped, the penny would finally drop. That this man would finally realize his life here and now wasn't over yet. Actually, he could restart right now by stepping out of the ordinary. He, Brian Kinney, had just removed a layer of his façade, making place for something that had been always there. He was ready now to be really himself – which meant to think in greater dimensions. Today was the day he had to make himself proud.

Still grinning he jumped down the pedestal, grabbing Michael's face and kissing the young man on the mouth. There was no special taste. Never was, never would. Michael Charles Novotny was his friend, his youth, his life, his brother. Brian was aware of the silent wish his friend had carried deep inside since the first day they met but these wishes would stay unfulfilled. Always.

Now Brian could read it in Michael's eyes. When realization sunk into his friend's mind, he saw the silent and unspoken battle under the surface. And suddenly there was something else – a small smile creeping across Mikey's face, finally reaching the shimmering eyes. Brian knew that he had gotten his best friend's blessing at last.

One last time he embraced Michael before tapping Ted's shoulder.

Ted turned around. Puzzlement was clearly written across his face when he took the key of the "Babylon" Brian was holding out for him.

"What…?"

"I hereby give you some additional, very responsible duties in your hands, Mr. Schmidt."

"What...?"

Brian shook his head reproachfully. "Teddy, another 'what' and you'll lose your job for being inflexible. Be on time tomorrow morning because a lot of new duties are waiting for you in my absence."

Ted shut his mouth, which had dropped open, and tried to put on a professional look.

"Good boy!" Brian patted Ted's face before turning around to face the bar. He pushed himself through the crowd of dancing bodies until he stood face to face to the still smiling Debbie.

"You give me the impression that the sun isn't shining bright enough for you here, boy."

Brian shook his head and bit down onto his lower lip. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"Why should I have done that? I only hit you on things you didn't see or wanted to see yourself. But this even you couldn't miss."

"Thank you, Ma!" Brian placed a small kiss onto Debbie's forehead and left the "Babylon". He couldn't remember the last time his strides had been so determined leaving this place. Outside, he took his mobile and dialed the number of his assistant.

"Cynthia! I need you. Can you come to the office? Yes, now. I need a flight and your clear mind. Kinnetik expands."

2

Justin opened the window. There wasn't much difference, because he was now looking at one of the small dirty backyard New York had to offer, though it at least gave him the illusion of some fresh air in his small apartment. Maybe it was a bit overstated calling it an apartment, but it felt two percent bigger than the place he had had in Pittsburgh – big enough for one person and his own.

There had been another place between the one in Pittsburgh and the one here in Manhattan – an estate a half hour drive outside of Pittsburgh in West-Virginia. Brian had bought it, the plan being to live there with him, Justin, as a married couple.

The estate had been wonderful. A smile went across Justin's face, with the memories of having sex with Brian in literally every room including the stables. His body started to scream, wanting to have the cravings fulfilled. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and the smile on his face faded when the memories became too vivid.

First doubts of having made the right decision had crept into his mind the night he had left, Brian still sleeping in the loft, for the airport.

But both of them had wanted it, having realized that neither of them could twist their personalities for the other man's sake forever. Living with a 'different' person than the known and beloved one wouldn't have worked. They had tried that, and failed.

So Justin had booked his flight ticket to New York the day after they both had decided what was best for them. Three days later he had packed his bag, gathering up all his clothes at Brian's loft. Another memory occurred to him – the moment he had emptied the drawer next to the bed and the thought to undo his decision. Where had he gotten the strength back to close the loft's door behind him, knowing that a naked Brian was lying on the bed? Still trapped in the dreams of their last time having sex, which was even more intense and beautiful than all the countless times before.

Justin closed his eyes. Pictures formed in his mind – pictures of their faces being not only soaked by sweat.

Six weeks had passed since that moment – six weeks without a single phone call. Justin knew that neither he nor Brian wanted to tear open the wound which never had healed. Yes, he had closed the small, velvet lined leather box their rings were nestled in, to tell Brian and himself they didn't need such visible pieces of evidence to know that their love was eternal.

And yet, he had seen the unspoken truth in Brian's eyes at that same moment. It had been written across his face, what it meant if Justin left. A chapter of life would end. For a while Justin had really believed that it had been the only solution and that it had been the best for them both.

But it was an illusion – a lie. He didn't remember how often he had opened the closet to throw his clothes into his bag and take the next available flight to Pittsburgh. But until now, he had always stopped when staring at his clothes, telling himself again and again that he couldn't just fly back. Should he sell lemon bars at the Diner again, while mourning over a missed chance?

Brian would kick him out immediately when he found him standing in front of his door, telling Brian why he came back. And there had been only one reason – he loved Justin so deeply that he had had the strength to let him go. When did it happen within these past five years that Brian Kinney, the selfish prick, had turned into that incredible man? No – wrong question. When had Brian Kinney stopped hiding his endlessly big heart behind the façade of casualness and cynism? Being honest, Justin knew it had happened the very first night – the night Brian had promised him to take it easy since it was his first time.

Justin smiled sadly when he looked around the place he called home these days. He was here now. The big chance had been lying in front of his feet for six weeks now. He had made the first contacts with Lindsay's super-critic, who had assured him support to organize one or the other small exhibition. It was more than he had imagined or expected. Additionally, he had also applied to some agencies. Even artists needed ordinary jobs to make a living. Furthermore, he had written a letter of inquiry to the Academy of Fine Arts here in New York. The commitment or rejection letter should be in his mailbox soon. If not, he would go right to the academy and not leave before having a personal interview with Sam Auerbach to become a member of his new art project. Otherwise, he would have to place his cards on the table and lead with Lindsay's trump.

While his eyes were gliding across the furniture, he regretted that he hadn't taken anything with him which could remind him of Brian. Maybe it had been the right decision, but just now he would have given everything to hold something real in his hands. There were times, like now, that pain and self-punishment was better than pushing it all aside.

Agonized, Justin closed his eyes. Another picture came to him – the night when he had pulled the once-beige scarf from beneath Brian's shirt. Even in the darkness he saw the stains of dried blood – his blood – clearly. At this point, Justin had realized that Brian had suffered as much as Justin had during all the weeks he had been in hospital and rehabilitation, waiting for Brian.

What five incredible years those were? Brian had hurt him with words and actions – had pushed him away and taken him back so desperately. It had given Justin the feeling that Brian Kinney would burn from within.

Justin would never forget the expression in Brian's eyes, after breaking the rule never to kiss anybody else but Brian.

Yes, it had hurt deep inside whenever he came home only to find Brian in bed fucking one of his countless tricks. And yet, the feeling of real betrayal had never occurred to him. No matter how many other men had shared the bed with Brian in the meantime, there were those moments Justin felt there was a different hunger. Brian seemed to be starved to have his lips melting with Justin's in a deepening kiss, while their hands ripped clothes away, to feel the warmth of bare skin.

Justin swallowed hard, wiping forcefully the tears away which started to trickle from his eyes. He couldn't go back to Pittsburgh, and the hope that Brian would come to New York was a dream that would crush him sooner or later.

He had to go now. He had filled some applications last night and wanted to deliver them personally at the chosen agencies. He put his bright leather jacket on and stashed the four big envelopes in his bag. He hoisted his bike, which he kept in his apartment, and with a sigh, he locked the door and left.

The sun was shining in his face when he stepped out onto the street. Maybe it would be his day today. He stopped. Had he checked his mailbox last night when he returned from a club named "Heaven" in the 8th Avenue? Of course not, because he had been too busy to be home before 3 in the morning – a stupid habit and yet still a part of him that he couldn't shake off. He didn't know what would happen if he did.

He left his bike on the street and walked back to the mailbox, opening it. There were two letters amongst the usual advertisements and flyers. One was from an agency he had been to, two weeks ago. He was sure it was another rejection. The other envelope was inconspicuous white, with a logo in the left lower corner. His hand started to shake when he recognized the lettering he had designed a long time ago. Kinnetik.

The letters began to blur. No. It was wrong to project all his hopes onto this envelope. What if it was just something trivial – perhaps something from Ted, who had mistakenly used a company's envelope?

No matter, he had to open it. A grin crept across his face. Holding his breath, he ripped the envelope open. A formal letter appeared.

Dear Mr. Taylor,

We've learned that you intend to offer your artistic skills to an advertising agency. We would like to talk with you about your concepts. Please contact us at the below address.

Kinnetik New York

128 West 18th Street, New York, NY 10011

(former headquarters of Nagel Roofing Inc.)

We're looking forward to talking with you.

Best regards,

Cynthia Jacobs

Assistant Director

Justin finally exhaled the breath of air he had held while reading the lines. Brian was here. Here – just five blocks away. This crazy, old, amazing man – always good for another surprise. Like doing the Liberty Ride where Brian had crossed the finish line hours later, injured, exhausted. His body a mess. Still, he had never looked more pleased with himself. Shouldn't Justin have known better that even Brian Kinney had goals of being worth to excel himself? And now, he, Justin Taylor, had seemed to become one of these goals.

Bursting out laughing Justin stormed back onto the street, turning his bike around. The Eighteenth Street was his destination today.

3

"Did you tell the delivery boy that it's very important that the letter is delivered on time, Cynthia?"

"Yes, Brian. Of course, I did. The tracking says that the letter had been delivered at 6pm last night – put into the mailbox."

Cynthia stood up and walked around her desk and stopped in front of Brian. She took the sleeves of his suit. "Brian. I'm sure he has gotten the letter, either last night or this morning. All we can do now is wait. In the meantime, you should distract yourself and think about what you want to say the guys from Visionary Optics tomorrow."

Brian perked one eyebrow. Yes, he should do that – if he only could. The sparkling idea hadn't come to him yet. How in all heaven's name should he bring life into a boring concept, despite the company's name, while every cell in his body wanted only one thing: seeing Justin's fair head coming around the corner.

He gave Cynthia a strained grin and walked back into his office. With his hands shoved deep into his pockets, he went to the window and looked down at the crowded street.

He was here now, in New York – the city which neglected him some years ago. That wouldn't happen again. Brian Kinney was ready to confirm upon the world of business his special charm, knowing that this city was offering him a big and special clientele.

"Mr. Kinney?"

Brian closed his eyes. It didn't need more than these two words, and every fiber in his body was taut like a bow. This was it – was the moment he had pictured in his mind two weeks ago while standing on the pedestal in "Babylon". There was something elusive he couldn't specify right now, but to his surprise, it even felt better than crossing the finish line at Liberty Ride.

He took a deep intake of breath and turned around. "Mr. Taylor! Just in time because I don't have the time to wait all day long for my new art director."

Justin stood in the middle with his head cocked, smiling. This smile had only one name – Sunshine – and was the incarnation what luck really meant for Brian – his own luck. His knees almost gave in.

"What makes you think that I want the job, Mr. Kinney?"

Brian loved this gentle strength which always had radiated Justin so much. He wouldn't be able to force his will onto this boy, and he didn't want to. Justin was like a bird on his hand, always free to decide to stay or fly away whenever it wanted and never be caged.

He stepped closer to the young man in front of him, breathing in his scent deeply. How much had he missed it. It took all his willpower not to pull Justin into a tight embrace. It had to wait. They had to negotiate the conditions first.

"You're right, Mr. Taylor. It'd be an honor having Kinnetik decorated with your name. But that's not the reason why you're here today."

"It isn't?" Justin kept smiling – keeping his insincere and snotty smile in place. And yet, Brian could read something totally different in the eyes fixed on his.

"No," he continued. "The real reason is: Kinnetik came to you to offer its services."

Justin nodded smugly. "Then, please explain it to me why I should take just your services."

Brian bit on his lower lip and began to smile. It was so easy to say what he was feeling, with Justin so close. Outside this little private universe, he never could say these things.

"Because, Mr. Taylor, the President and CEO of Kinnetik finally realized that he isn't the person he wanted to be without this Sunshine in his life. Because I love you, Justin, and because I can be Brian Kinney only with you."

Justin looked at him for a very long time but didn't answer. His eyes were sparkling and Brian knew the man in front of him was making his decision. All he could do now was to wait and hope that the bird on his hand would stay.

Justin raised his arms and placed them around Brian's neck. Brian leaned back and closed his eyes.

"It is convenient because the Sunshine didn't want to do anything else for the past six weeks than shining in Brian Kinney's life. I love you, too, Brian. I'm so proud of you."

Brian squeezed his eyes shut. The arms encircling his neck tightened and his head was pulled down. Warm trembling lips met his. Finally, Brian could let loose all the energy which had been stored deep inside for weeks. He doved into the kiss, clinging to it while sinking deeper into a maelstrom of emotions, taking Justin with him.

4

Justin didn't remember how they had managed to get to the rooms one floor above. They were in a spacious apartment similar to the loft in Pittsburgh.

Brian had grabbed his hand while pulling him gently out of the office and telling Cynthia that there were other real important things he had to discuss with the new art director.

"You can live here if you want", said Brian while closing the venetian blinds, banishing the brightness flooding the room.

"What about you? Will you live here, too?", asked Justin, barely audible because it was something he wasn't sure about.

"Yes and no." Brian made another step closer to Justin. "As the CEO I have to stay in Pittsburgh most of the time while Cynthia is running the office here. But I'll be here as often as I can – here with you." Brian squeezed his eyes, not being able to hide his worries completely. "Would it be a problem for you?"

Would it be a problem? Justin considered. No – no problem. It would be good in a way because they needed their independence now and then.

He pulled Brian's face closer and kissed him. "No, it's perfect."

"Good. Now come here!" Brian's voice was quiet and gentle. Memories of their last night in Pittsburgh returned to Justin within a heartbeat. This night – filled with tenderness and farewell.

The resemblance of the room was incredible. Brian had chosen the same bedclothes and yet it was totally different in a wonderful way. This was the beginning of something new, something exciting.

Justin undressed and helped Brian taking of his suit and the rest of his clothes slowly. They were unable to suppress a moan when skin met skin. Together they sank down onto the bed.

Brian's slim hands run slowly over Justin's body, leaving a trail of plain prickling energy.

They made love with the same intensity as six weeks before – long, breathtakingly and again and again. Top or bottom – it wasn't a question anymore because they were even now.

Once again their faces were wet, but the tears of loss had been replaced by tears of promise that they could make it together.

END

…"What have you done today to make you feel proud?"…

Thanks to Van Eijk and Nicole for their inspiration, their help and their love.