Note: I do apologize for this, you know.
"I have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine. The more it clears, the more I got to let you go."
Caitlin Snow is a sensible woman. She sees things and decides based on facts and probability.
The one time she allowed herself to lose this, is when she met Ronnie Raymond. He made her eat new food, travel to new places and try new things. He will always be in her best memories, and later, she realized he's also there for the worst ones.
When she thought she longed having someone by her side like how she had Ronnie, she thought it may be worth it. This is the main reason why she suggested to tag along with Barry disguised as staking out for Pick-A-Boo—to put herself out there.
As much as she feared she won't, she actually enjoyed the night (the morning after, not so)—but that might have been due to the fact that she was with Barry.
She is no fool, her two doctorates and Ph. D. is a proof of that. Before the night out, she felt sparks between her and Barry although it is definitely contained. When they concluded both of their previous chapter of their life, she thought they established that they both are open to new possibilities and someone to be crazy about.
An outsider can tell that it could've been a start to what they could be but they didn't.
Things happened and she's not sure she wanted that with Barry anymore. Timing is definitely funny thing. New variables came and went: Ronnie's return and sacrifice, Eddie's death, Iris sudden appreciation of Barry, her attraction to Jay—Cisco's easy support about it, and the overall simplicity of being with another person who is not Barry.
Moreover, she suspects something is different with her.
"It's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue. It's hard, leaving you that way when I never wanted to."
During a time they were working on a project, "I think you should give it a shot," Caitlin said to him during a long drag of silence between them.
"Huh?" he asked, looking up, his eyes shifted to Cisco who is visibly uncomfortable sleeping in the small couch in her lab but nonetheless, still sleeping. "What are you talking about?" unconsciously putting the end of a pencil in his mouth.
"Iris," she explained simply. Barry looked at her fully.
Caitlin might have seen a speck of betrayal in his green eyes but it was swiftly buried away.
Barry cleared his throat and pretended to busy himself, "You think so?" he said monotonously.
"I think you deserve this chance after pining for her for so long," she said as she too busied herself with nothing.
"Self-denial is a game, a stranger; I never would want until there was you."
"Yeah," he said after another round of awkward silence, "I should give myself a chance to be with her."
Caitlin looked up at him but he didn't meet her eyes.
She distantly think of how these awkward silences keep stretching between her and Barry—who is her second best friend next to Cisco—and felt heavy in her heart. Eventually, she caught herself and continued working on their task.
"What I don't understand is why I'm feeling so bad now when I know it was my idea. I could've just denied the truth and lied, but why am I the only one standing, stranded on the same ground?"
Caitlin smiles as Iris flaunted her ring for them all to see. Her eyes found Barry as he smiled easily, his eyes looking at Iris.
She is genuinely happy, really. After all, it was her idea for Barry to pursue Iris. She had this gut feeling that she can't make Barry this happy—and as she is most of the time, she's right about it. Barry's heart-wrenchingly genuine smile as he watched Iris animatedly showing everyone her rock.
As she contemplates the reality of Barry and Iris being together, she can't help feeling a bit left out.
What she asked herself is why would she feel that way when it was her who pushed Barry to Iris in the first place?
After stretching her mouth—flaunting a smile for so long, Caitlin found herself sitting alone in her lab. She told herself she was being unreasonable but as her heart is not in sync with her mind as reasonable the decision was or as great as how Barry and Iris felt, it made her feel heartbroken.
She closed her eyes and willed herself to relax and just breathe.
When she opened her eyes, she saw her computer monitor, the water glass and other things had thin frozen layer. Caitlin exhaled and tried to clear her head. This isn't good.