A/N: Hey there guys. So, the fated moment has come. The moment where I decide to write and upload a Twilight crackfic. Yes, I said it- a Twilight fic. Take not that this is in no way meant to be taken seriously- it's wholly and entirely for the purpose of entertainment by means of making fun of Edward and Bella (whose legitimacy as likeable characters died along with the rising popularity of the Twilight movies and novelty items. They were great souls until I finished the last book, and the movie came out, and I really went back to reflect on the entity of what Twilight was: the Midol books, as I like to call it.)
Anyway, after that long rant, I thought this would be funny. ^_^ Happy reading!
It all started when I overheard Alice and Edward talking in their kitchen.
"Edward, you're being unfair to yourself and everyone around you by acting this way. People are going to get suspicious with you being so closed off and hostile all the time at school" she was saying. Wondering if I should intervene, I stayed half-hidden behind the counter (though they probably already knew I was there) to eavesdrop further. Man, I'm a terrible sneak sometimes.
A sigh was heard from Edward's general direction. "I'm just worried… worried about Bella, worried about that ass Mike Newton taking her away…"
I mentally snorted. He was worried about me choosing Mike over him? God, he was stupid some days. Thinking it was a good time as any to jump in and boost his ego; I revealed myself and chimed in: "I think Alice is absolutely right," I said with a smile. "if you're just yourself, everything will be fine- we'll be together forever and no one will have a reason to be suspicious of anything."
He gave me his prize-winning "deer-in-the-headlights-I'm-so-angsty-and-damn-I-want-you-but-it's-forbidden" signature smoldering look…
(I think I might have lost consciousness for just a second, but I don't really remember so I can't be sure.)
He replied "you really think so?" looking back and forth from me to Alice. I nodded encouragingly, and he pulled me in for a kiss that made me so light-headed that I nearly lost all reasonable thought and jumped him right there.
On another note, I had no idea what I had really just done.
The next morning, I was surprised to find that it was Alice, rather than Edward, who had come to pick me up. Stating the obvious, I said "Edward isn't here…" Even she looked the slightest bit perplexed. To relieve me of my anxiety due to the lack of my morning dose of Edward-ness, she said "he told me to pick you up instead… he wants to get ready for a 'surprise'."
Well… that was different. But it wasn't as odd as what was about to happen. Forks would be changed forever…
I was about to close my locker when Edward appeared. I and everyone else stopped dead and stared, openmouthed. But it wasn't for the usual reason:
Perched atop Edward's perfectly coifed bronze locks was a meticulously placed pair of sunglasses and a beret. Around his cream silk neck was a short blue polka-dot neckerchief. He was sporting short shorts that said "JUICY!" on the butt, and a t-shirt that stated "I like things that SPARKLE."
He still managed to look like a Greek god… Michelangelo would be salivating if he could see this.
A girl next to me swore and muttered "Why do all the good-looking ones have to be gay?" I stared up at Edward as he pulled me to him and said to everyone within earshot "I'm not gay; I'm bisexual."
Damn. Well, at least this means that I could get that threesome I wanted…
A/N: Okay, so definitely not my best work so far. Definitely not… but I thought it was enjoyable all the same. I chuckled a bit, and I sincerely hope that you chuckled a little bit too when imagining Edward in "JUICY" short shorts and that t-shirt. Tee hee.