Author - mga1999/Jude
Rating - PG-13
Summary - Sydney's thoughts on the uninvited addition to her life.
Spoilers - Season One through Broken Heart
Disclaimer - ABC, Touchtone, Bad Robot, and the BRILLIANT JJ Abrams own em.
Feedback – Cherished and worshiped in a shrine.
Author's Note - I have never posted a story here before, but after cajoling by
several people, I'm giving it a try. Thanks to Secret Agent Girl for the
help.
The rest of my fic can be found at SD-1.com and some are back at Allies.
Originally
posted at SD-1.com 26th May, 2003
~~~
Uninvited
Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
The first time he looked at me in his office, the hairs on the back of my neck
stood up. I'm not saying it was a bad thing. It was eerie though. Uncomfortable
almost. Like he could see straight into me. Straight through to my soul. No one
had ever made me feel like that. No one.
Those piercing green eyes of his certainly went places I wasn't prepared for
them to go. Walking into the CIA that day, I never expected to endure the
scrutiny in that sense. I knew I would be drilled and questioned and spend most
of my time writing. But this. I wasn't prepared for him. Not at all. It's not
supposed to happen this way.
You aren't supposed to meet the soulmate you can never have. It's like a Greek
tragedy. Everything you always wanted is right in front of you and you can't
have it. I'm starting to believe my life is cursed. Let's dangle the
perfect man right in front of me and say, oops sorry, not for you. You can look
but don't touch. Cursed I tell you.
It was easy to see how intrigued he was with me. He didn't hide it well. I
don't think he even tried. He knew exactly what he was doing. And damn was he
good at it. The looks he would give me in the days to come in the bloodmobile
continued to penetrate the depths of my soul. Little by little he delved into
parts of me no one ever had before. The scariest part was I didn't even realise
it at the time.
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
It's not like I minded him looking at me like that. I mean look at him. He's
bloody gorgeous. He doesn't act like it though. It's like he doesn't notice how
everyone looks at him. I noticed that first day when I followed him around the
CIA offices. I saw how all the women looked up as he walked by. He was
oblivious to it. Of course, that only made me more intrigued.
I began to crave the meetings I had with him. As much as I hated Sloane, it was
easy to smile when he assigned me another mission. Missions equaled a meeting
with Michael Vaughn. No matter how brief they were, it didn't matter. A quick
fix was all it took. For awhile anyway. Soon even that wasn't enough.
I realised how addicted I was when they took him away from me. I don't even
think I hid the shock well when he told me in the park that day. Inside I was
panicked. I knew he thought I hated him, resented him. We didn't exactly get
off on the right foot. That was my safety mechanism after all. Fight and push
him away. That was my plan. He couldn't penetrate my walls that way. I'd
convinced myself it was working. Until he walked away in the park and the wall
shattered into a million tiny pieces. It left an emptiness, I'd never felt
before in my life.
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I didn't know what to do after that. I somehow made it home and convinced
myself it was for the best. It wasn't like we could be together anyway. He was
married after all, or so I thought at the time. Even if he wasn't, there was
still protocol. There was still the CIA and its rules. Rules that were clear
and precise for exactly the reason I was deliberating about. You don't cross
the line. You make sure the line is wide and easy to see. It's better that way.
The line became blurry when I met my new handler for the first time. Or should
I say the ass. No one had ever infuriated me so quickly. Protocol be damned, I
wanted to deck him right there in the van. I bit my tongue, although it was
pretty swollen when I left. If he had called me 'honey' one more time, I would
have cracked though. I persuaded myself that it was going to be much easier
working with him. My mind would be completely on my job. Exactly the way it was
supposed to be.
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Of course that lasted until we met for my first countermission. I could easily
see that I was just a notch on his CIA career belt. He didn't care anything
about whether I made it out of there alive or unscathed. The way he looked at
me made my skin crawl too. Like he was undressing me with his eyes. He made me
feel dirty and used.
I couldn't take it anymore. I made it perfectly clear to him what he could do
with his 'plan' and demanded Vaughn back. I didn't even realise what I was
saying until the words came out of my mouth. It was like I had no control over
it. Once I said it, I couldn't turn back. I was fully prepared to refuse to
cooperate with the CIA again if they didn't concede to my terms. I have to
admit I enjoyed watching him squirm. I found that I liked this feeling of
power. I could certainly use it to my advantage. Advantage Bristow. Or was it?
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
That feeling of panic returned the moment I walked away. Was I out of my mind?
I knew I was treading territory that was dangerous. You would think with my job
that I'm a danger junkie. The truth is, yeah there is a high from it, but it's
overrated. I find the moments I spend at home with a good book and a great
glass of wine much more intoxicating.
Intoxicating. That's a good word to describe the feeling I get when I think
about Michael Vaughn. It scares me to death to admit that. When I walked down
the stadium steps, I was more nervous about who'd be on the end of my earpiece
than I was about facing off with Anna. It's not supposed to be that way. I
mean, I was scared facing of with Anna, but I was more scared that I'd be
talking to Lambert. The moment I heard his voice though, all my fears
dissipated. His voice calmed me.
Meeting my nemesis that night was one of my worst nightmares. When she tried to
unnerve me by mentioning Danny, it was all I could do to keep breathing. The
silence was deafening. I almost couldn't breathe until I heard Vaughn's calming
breath in my ear. My breaths soon matched his and I regained my composure and
completed the task at hand.
I knew right then and there I was fighting a losing battle. I wouldn't have
made it through that mission without him. He was the calm in my storm. He was
the buoy that steadied my emotions when I wasn't thinking clearly. But what did
I do when we met again back in Los Angeles? I yelled at him. Of course in the
end I realised he was right. He made me realise he cared more about me than the
intel I was bringing to the CIA. He wanted to keep me safe. He truly was my
guardian angel.
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Still, I can't let myself go there. I can't. I can't allow him into my life
like that. It's not a great idea. It's a dangerous and deadly idea. I have no
choice in some ways though. We have to work together. We have to learn
to trust each other. More importantly I have to learn to trust him. I'm not
sure if I can. I've been betrayed or lied to by almost everyone in my life.
Who's to say he won't do the same.
Maybe he's better at his job than I think he is. Maybe this is how he's playing
me. Showing me that he's concerned with what's best for me. That could all be
part of his ruse. The CIA's plan. They could have engineered all of this. It's
better to remain distant from him. I was even more convinced of remaining
detached when I discovered he wasn't married. I acted like it wasn't a big
deal, but inside my heart was pounding.
The little voice in my head wasn't helping either. He's not married. He's
not married. He's not married. It was like a symphony repeating over and
over again. The logical part of my brain tried to counter with, he has a
girlfriend, he has a girlfriend, he has a girlfriend. The logical part
wasn't winning though. Neither was the part that told me he was just playing
me. Deep down I knew he wasn't. I just wasn't ready to admit it.
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
There was something about the way he looked at me whenever we met that confused
me. Unlike when Lambert looked at me, it didn't make my skin crawl. It was
almost like he was studying me. Trying to figure out what made me tick. I
obviously intrigued him. I just wasn't sure in what manner. I wasn't even sure
how I wanted him to be thinking about me.
I thought a lot about him on the plane to Morocco. Even Dixon commented that I
seemed distracted. Of course I told him I was worried about school and briefly
mentioned Francie and her boyfriend problems. He nodded and settled in to sleep
like he usually does on our flights. Meanwhile, I thought about Vaughn.
Vaughn. The entire reason why I call him that was my own twisted way of telling
myself I could remain more detached that way. 'Michael' was just too intimate.
Calling him Vaughn kept him at arms length. Another lie I told myself. Well, it
wasn't at first. Honestly it wasn't. I intended it as another protection
measure. Obviously it became another one that failed miserably.
Of course that only made me more determined. Sydney Bristow didn't fail. Somehow
I've always managed to squirm my way out of every situation. Sometimes it's
wasn't pretty, but I always emerged relatively unscathed. This was different
though. It seemed no matter what I tried, it failed. Eventually though, I
convinced myself that I was blowing this all out of proportion. Not once had he
made any overtures outside of our agent/handler relationship. He had a
girlfriend after all. It was obvious he cared about me, but I finally convinced
myself that was just who he was. I closed the door on the unprofessional
thoughts. Problem was, I forgot to lock it and throw away the key.
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
My carefully constructed defenses came crashing down after I returned from
Morocco. It was all I could do to hold it together after Mochtar was killed.
Dixon had given me the speech on the plane about him dying for his country. I
smiled through my tears and nodded at him before excusing myself and going to
the bathroom and emptying the contents of my stomach. When I came back, Dixon
was asleep. I somehow focused on writing a paper for school and made it through
the rest of the flight.
I dead dropped a quick debrief of the mission at the airport as Vaughn and I
had originally set up. I'd never been so glad to be home, but on the other hand
I needed to talk to someone. I was barely holding it together. Francie and Will
made me feel a little better, but I couldn't talk to them. Truth was, I
had no one I could talk to. Somehow though, I convinced myself that maybe, just
maybe I could talk to my father at dinner. We weren't close in any sense of the
word, but at least he understood the world I was part of. I was grateful we
were having dinner. Maybe this would be the beginning of a new relationship for
us. Of course, once again, fate was laughing at me.
When my father stood me up, I couldn't take it anymore. I was falling apart and
there wasn't anyone to catch my fall. In desperation, I called the only person
I could. Vaughn. I didn't even know if he'd meet me. I knew I had no right
calling him. I knew I shouldn't call him. The moment I hung up after talking to
him, I realised I was standing on the line. The line that was meant to be there
to protect me, to protect us. I also knew once I crossed it, there would be no
going back.
Vaughn saved my life on the pier that night. I may have thrown my pager in the
ocean, but what I really wanted to do was throw myself in. If he hadn't met me,
I know I would have. He listened to me as I purged everything threatening to
pull me under. He made me laugh after I threw my pager in the Pacific. But most
of all, I'll never forget what he said to me. Of course my first knee jerk
reaction when he told me not to let my rage, resentment, and disgust darken me
was to scream at him. Inside, I wanted to yell, What do you know about this.
You couldn't possibly understand! But I didn't. Something held me back.
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
As much as I wanted to ignore what he was saying to me, somehow what he said
permeated the anger. The walls of rules, protocol and common sense were
disintegrated by twenty-two simple words. When you're at your absolute
lowest, at your most depressed, just remember that you can always... you know.
You got my number. Those twenty-two words became my lifeline. My anchor.
Vaughn became my anchor. We both crossed the line that night. Neither of us
intended to. I never planned on calling him. I'm sure he didn't plan on meeting
a near hysterical double agent and somehow finding a way to calm her down. It
just happened.
The brief eye contact we made after he spoke those words caused me to throw out
every rational thought I had left. Without even thinking, I reached over and
grasped his hand. The moment my hand touched his, I felt a jolt like I'd felt
when he'd put the band aid on my arm in the bloodmobile. At the time, I'd
convinced myself it was static electricity. Tonight, there was no way to
explain it away. There was no carpet. There was only a wooden pier, a lost
soul, and a cool and windy night. The moment, my hand touched his, I wasn't
cold anymore. I wasn't lost either.
I couldn't look at him again. But I felt his eyes look at me. Obviously what I
did surprised him. I figured he'd pull his hand away, but he didn't. He turned
back and stared out into the water and we stood there in our own little world.
Not a word was spoken. It wasn't uncomfortable though. It was… it was just
right. Whenever I took a shuddering breath, his thumb tenderly stroked mine. He
gave me strength with each stroke. I don't even know how long we stood there. I
didn't care. I knew I needed to leave. I knew it was dangerous being here with
him like this. But I needed this. My need to survive right now, outweighed the
risks.
Eventually, the cold seeped into me again and I started to shiver. "You cold?"
he asked softly. I just nodded at him and squeezed his hand. "Thank you," I
said gratefully. "Anytime, Syd. I meant what I said," he affirmed. "I know," I
acknowledged. "You're going to be okay," he stated, but I know there was a
question in his mind too. For the first time in quite awhile, I felt like I
would be okay. I turned and smiled at him. "Yeah, I will." He made eye contact
again; we shared a moment before he released my hand. "I'll talk to you
tomorrow, okay?" In other words, he wanted me to call him to let him know I was
okay. We already shared a bond of unspoken thoughts. It both frightened and
exhilarated me. "Yeah," I replied as I looked at him one more time before I turned
and walked back to my car.
I know he's watching me as I walk away. I can feel it. I can feel him. Somehow,
what started out as being uninvited, slowly became my salvation. I look up at
the stars and wonder if Danny had anything to do with this. Part of me wants to
believe he brought Vaughn to me. I twist the ring on my finger as I pull my
keys out of my pocket and climb in. I lean forward and with my arms on the
steering wheel, I rest my chin against it and smile. For the first time, in
months, I feel like I have part of myself back. I know I still have a long way
to go. The path in front of me is still filled with more obstacles than I can
ever safely maneuver on my own.
But I'm not on my own anymore. I have Vaughn. He may not have been something I
wanted in my life. In some ways he still isn't. It's like the uninvited guest
that somehow ends up staying. Not unwanted, but not invited either. In Vaughn's
case, it was inevitable. I can contemplate the issue all I want. It won't
change a thing. Fate somehow brought us together. I'm not sure how or why. All
I know is that no matter how hard I try to push him from my mind, I can't. Sure
I'll still have arguments with myself about it. Somehow I have to try to
convince myself that I'm trying to win the battle. I'm trying to follow the
rules and regulations. It's how I'll deal with it in the months and the
possible years to come.
Tonight, Vaughn saw me at my worst. The most heartening thing about it was that
he didn't run. Most men would have. I'm slowly learning that Michael Vaughn is
unlike most men. He didn't have to meet me. He didn't have to listen when I
poured my heart out to him. But he did, he did. I'm not sure I deserve him or
that I'm worthy of the faith he seems to have in me. I want to believe that the
curse that seems to follow my life has finally lifted and he is my reward. I'm
afraid to believe though. I know it will take time. I also know that it's
possible that nothing will ever happen between us. All I have to do is picture
Danny in the bathtub and that buries any thoughts of that nature.
What Vaughn and I seem to be forging is different. I can't quite put my finger
on it, but hopefully in time I'll figure it out. All I know, is I'm grateful to
whoever brought him into my life. I can only hope and pray, that somehow, he'll
always be part of it.
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
Uninvited – Copyright Alanis Morissette – I don't own it, I just worship
her and her music.