One day Roger was watching television.
"I can safely say I've seen every 'Good Eats' every 'Law and Order' and every 'How I Met your Mother' three times over!
I'm ready for a new show. A show that's inspiring to me!" said Roger. Roger flipped to the local station, and saw a cute
cartoon show with vibrant colors.
"Hey, Steve, come watch Crazy Cat People Fairy Tale Theatre, it's the hottest show on TV" yelled Roger. Steve hesitantly
entered the living room. He sat down on the couch, slowly and reluctantly.
"This doesn't look like a fairy tale show," protested Steve. "This is the news" he added.
"You're right, Steve. This live news broadcast interrupted the greatest show on television. But at least it has fairies in it!" said
Roger, referring to Greg and Terry.
"Today we take a trip across America," said Greg. "In downtown Juneau, Alaska a strange baby has reportedly been
causing traffic jams, tearing down street lights, and generally being a nuissance!" he added.
"A five hundred million dollar reward will be availible to anyone who can locate this strangely adorable menace. In
addition, an Amber Alert has been issued by Senator Sarah Palin" said Terry.
"Here is the picture of the boy. He sure is a little angel!" said Greg.
A picture of the boy was displayed on screen.
"Steve, do you realize who that is?" asked Roger, pointing at the TV with his index finger.
"No. I was just texting my new girlfriend. Who is it?" asked Steve.
"That's Nemo! We've gotta fly to Alaska and stop him right now" suggested Roger.
"Oh, no, I'm not going near that kid again. He turned me into a freak" said Steve.
"You're already a freak, you crazy asshole, but ya do have a point. I guess I'll just watch TV then!" said Roger. Roger
began flipping channels. Suddenly, he noticed that the picture of the baby was frozen onto the screen.
"The little bastard is on every channel," yelled Roger, tossing the TV remote down to the floor.
"I live to serve thee, oh prince of the sulfery void" said Steve, as he became hypnotized. He began attempting to kill
Roger.
"OW, stop biting me. Haylee come restrain your brother using the same modus oparandi you always use on him" said
Roger. Haylee came downstairs, put on gloves, picked up Steve, opened up the living room window, and tossed him
outside into the bushes. He tried to get back inside. Then Haylee opened up the window, doused Steve with holy water,
and shut it.
"Why was Steve acting like that? Has he been posessed by the devil again?" asked Haylee.
"Yeah. This weird kid has taken over. He's on every channel" said Roger.
"No he isn't!" said Haylee, flipping to QVC.
"Oh thank God Haylee, there's still QVC, it's not the end of the world after all!" said Roger, kissing Haylee's hands.
"There's more than that. Aliens always cause weird things to show up on TV" said Haylee. She began flipping channels, showing all the normal broadcasts,
football,cartoons, weather, fishing.
"Oh, well, what a surprise, whaddya know I guess that was all just me. But Haylee, Nemo is running loose in Alaska" said
Roger.
"Where did you hear that?" asked Haylee.
"The local news. It can't possibly be fake" said Roger.
"Oh my god that's so true!" said Haylee.
"You and me Hayleekins, let's fly to Alaska, Steve can't go!" said Roger.
"I refuse to go anywhere with you. I have a paper to write about how paper damages the enviornment!" said Haylee.
"Well look, Haylee, Nemo is YOUR baby, so he's your responsibility. This is your fault! If you don't fly with me to Alaska, I'll
call the authorities on you" said Roger.
"That, my dear Roger, is blackmail" said Haylee.
"No shit, Sherlock. Come on let's go to Alaska to stop Nemo" said Roger.
"Hold it, Nemo? He's my BABY!" said Haylee, sobbing loudly.
"Yeah, exactly Haylee. He's your baybeeee!" said Roger, touching Haylee's nose.
"Get your creepy long finger off of my face!" protested Haylee.
"But you're my precious snowflake, Hayleekins!" said Roger. "And if it's the apocalypse I'm gonna need a girlfriend," he added with a playful cocky smirk.
With that, Haylee and Roger fled to the Airport, and caught a plane to the capital city of Alaska.
While on the plane...
"Haylee, did ya pack your best superhero costume?" asked Roger.
"Um, no!" replied Haylee.
"Well, why not?" asked Roger.
"Because this is a serious matter, it isn't a joke. I care too much about Nemo to be thinking about cosplay" said Haylee.
"Oh, I get it. You'd rather be baddies. We can be the Joker and Harley Quinn" said Roger, sipping Pepsi.
"NO! You're not my boyfriend" yelled Haylee.
"Haylee, there's a man on the wing of this plane!" said Roger.
"You're hardly any different than Steve" protested Haylee.
"Oh, so you're saying we're like Luke Skywalker and Leia, then!" suggested Roger. Haylee was now very confused.
"You are so twisted!" said Haylee.
"Don't blame me, blame the author of this god forsaken story! Still waiting on him to write that Luke and Leia fic, but he just won't do it!" replied Roger.
THEY ARRIVED...
in the capital city of Alaska...
"Okay, Haylee, now be alert. Be very very alert. Be very very very very alert!" said Roger.
"Chillax Roger, we're just looking for a baby. We'll just put up flyers" said Haylee, distributing flyers to people, and taping
some to telephone poles.
"Haylee, do you have any memory at all? That little baby was a menace. He was also the reason Steve was acting like
a dyslexic Hebrew Spider Man" said Roger.
"Dyslexic hebrew spider man, yeah I like that. Listen Roger, Steve was just acting that way because he's a little twirp. And
I need to keep him in line sometimes, by spraying him with holy water" explained Haylee.
"Yeah. Those little brothers. Peh, such pests" said Roger.
"How would you know?" asked Haylee, folding her arms in discontentment.
"I wouldn't know. I'm just trying to be on your side, cuz I totally have a crush on you" said Roger.
"Is that what this whole trip was about?" asked Haylee.
"No, sorta, kinda, yes. But it's also for the good of the free world. But don't hurt Nemo, we have to allow biblical
prophecy to come true so that God won't kill us" said Roger.
"Biblical prophecy? Are you nuts?" yelled Haylee.
"Haylee, Nemo is the Antichrist where have you been? Funny, cuz I used to think I was the antichrist. But, that was a long,
long time ago. And Hayleekins, we need to clean up this city!" said Roger, donning a superhero costume.
"What is that hideous costume?" shrieked Haylee in horror.
"Check it out funky soul sister, I'm Waffle Man, and I love to rock n' roll!" said Roger in a giant waffle costume.
"Isn't it a little bit hard to maneuver around in that thing? It's like ten times your size, and it looks itchy" said Haylee.
"Oh, yeah, it's itchy, its definately itchy Haylee, but totally worth it believe me. You need to think about getting yourself a
costume, or you'll have to wear the one I made for you!" said Roger.
"What's the one you made for me?" asked Haylee.
"You're my gorgeous sidekick Strawberry Jam Lady, you help get us out of jams!" said Roger, putting a jelly jar costume
onto Haylee. He then began applying lipstick to her lips.
"There, perfect. Let's go clean up crime and find Nemo! And some good soul sister music!" said Roger.
"This must just be a dream," said Haylee. "Or a really desperate attempt at fanfiction" she added.
"I hope the stores here sell Baconberry Pirate Peg Leg Cola in those little cans that I like to stare at while thinking about Badmitten" said Roger.
Later, Roger had just prevented a traffic jam, using giant spoons that came out of his costume.
"Retractable spoons, coming through!" said Roger. The spoons that came out of his costume destroyed the cars, but
they prevented them from colliding with one another.
"Roger, those spoons are causing more harm than help" said Haylee.
"Yeah, I know I know" said Roger, polishing his fingernails.
"Don't you find it a bit odd that so many traffic jams are happening at once?" asked Haylee.
"Ya think its the new Swine Flu?" asked Roger.
"No, I mean, there must be a culprit!" said Haylee. Suddenly, they saw Nemo, directing traffic with his hands, laughing
wickedly.
"Wait, I know this. It's gotta be cuz of global warming. Or me and my people! The two most primary causes of everything!" said Roger, confused.
"Close, but no cigar," said a looney voice in the distance. "Hey, suckers, I just love to cause chaos. Once all the cars
crash and everyone dies, they'll look to me as their lord and savior" said Nemo.
"What makes you think that?" asked Roger.
"Hahaaa, I have absoloutely no idea at all. I'm just a stark raving loon!" said Nemo, laughing.
"This looks like a job for Waffle Man, and Strawberry Jam Lady!" said Roger.
"NEMO! Stop that now, you're my child" said Haylee.
"No I'm not Haylee. I'm the child of Mister and Mrs Satan" said Nemo. After hearing this, Haylee fainted in Roger's arms.
"A kiss will wake you up!" said Roger, kissing Haylee on the lips. "Mmm, strawberry!" said Roger.
"Still no wakey? We need to get you to a motel!"
Later...at a Super 8
"Roger, I just had this great dream about making out with Jeff" said Haylee.
"That's funny, I had a similar dream, only I was making out with Strawberry Jam Lady" said Roger.
"We will discuss this later," said Haylee, going into the bathroom to change.
The next day, Roger and Haylee watch the news:
"Check it out Strawberry Jam princess, we're gonna be on television, the famous husband and wife superhero team!"
said Roger.
"We're not husband and wife. I'm engaged to Jeff" said Haylee.
"Not for long," said Roger, removing a ring from Haylee's finger.
"I ordered vegetarian pizza, just for you!" said Roger. "And Bambi's Pet Racoon off of pay-per-view!" added Roger.
"OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU!" said Haylee, hugging Roger. But their hug was interrupted by a broadcast:
"An insane baby is attempting to flood Alaska by melting the snow on the mountains with a flame thrower!" said the
reporter. "He has a hideout that is made entirely of ice! Officials have not been able to reach it sucessfully! Nemo was last seen heading towards his ice
fortress, directly below Makeout Point!"
"No way would Nemo do this!" said Haylee.
"I blame Senator Blunt Kerry! It must be his fault or my name isn't Roger Craig Daniels Smith" said Roger.
"Wait, why do you blame Blunt Kerry?" asked Haylee.
"I dunno! You're right, that was totally unfair, I love Blunt Kerry" said Roger.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Who's Blunt Kerry anyway?" screamed Haylee.
"He wanted to cancel the Baconberry Bowl and run ads for his fat free pastrami campaign all day on ESPN!" said Roger.
"The baconberry bowl?" asked Haylee. "Are you talking about your home planet again?" she asked in an inquisitive tone.
"Yes," replied Roger. "By the way, I bought us an Aston Martin car, it cost us everything on your card!" said Roger.
"YOU WHAT? I'll kill you!" said Haylee, strangling Roger.
"Shut up bitch, I'm not into being strangled as much as I used to be, we gotta go to Makeout Point" said Roger, struggling to breath.
Later, at Makeout Point:
"Oh gawd, I'm about to gag, everyone's going at it here, public kissing and sexuality in general is a sin, Antichrist Nemo must be causing this" suggested
Roger.
"What? Sexuality is how we all got here, Roger!" said Haylee.
"Yeah, exactly, Planet Earth is hell, hello? Let's make out right now who am I kidding?" said Roger.
while Roger and Haylee kissed...
NEMO ESCAPED!
Later...
Haylee and Roger invade the ice fortress, in their car. There, sitting on a throne was Nemo.
"Hello, idiots. You're just in time for my big plan. To leave Earth and take over a different world instead," said Nemo,
pushing a switch and activating a swirling portal. Roger watched the swirling portal in awe.
"Portals. I love em. IT's like I'm having a seizure all over again" said Roger.
"Shut up Roger, let's chase Nemo into the portal!" said Haylee. Nemo leaped into the portal, while activating a
snowball. The snowball fell down from the ceiling and barely missed Roger and Haylee, along with several stalactites.
AFTER STEPPING INTO THE PORTAL...
Roger and Haylee find themselves in an unusual world!
"Look Haylee, we're not in Alaska anymore! AAAH!" said Roger, slipping and falling from his oversized Waffle Man costume.
"No, we're in some bright cheery cartoon world. That's nice!" said Haylee, smiling.
"Sure is, bitch. I'm gonna go look for some shelter!" said Roger, entering a cave.
"HEY! This is Cat People Fairy Tale Land, I swear. Just like my TV show. Haylee come look, there's two cat people in here!"
said Roger. Haylee entered the cave.
There, in the cave, were two young cute and pretty cat-girls, dressed in witch outfits. Rallassa was orange, Bloomeelia was
grayish white.
"I'm Bloomeelia, the Cretin Banishing Cat Sorceress" said one girl.
"I'm Rallassa, her sidekick, who makes magically infused donuts that you never gain weight on!" said Rallassa.
"Hi, nice to meet you two, I'm Roger Smith!" said Roger. "And this is my ex-girlfriend Haylee," he added.
"Hold it, ex-girlfriend? You're already dumping me?" said Haylee.
"Our land is under assault by this weird baby named Nemo!" said Bloomeelia. "According to the prophecy, you two are
the ones to stop him, an alcoholic alien and a hippy princess"
"Hey, I am NOT a drunk," said Roger. "Hell, I'd like to think all six of us could stop him!" said Roger, drinking some wine.
"There's four of us!" said Bloomeelia, folding her arms, her eye-lids half shut.
"Ohhhh, I see, so this is gonna be like the Wizard of Oz" said Roger.
"Sorta," said Rallassa. "I'll be busting up evil robots with my axe!" said the cat girl, polishing and sharpening her axe.
"Rallassa, you might wanna use that axe right about now!" said Bloomeelia, tapping her friend on the shoulder.
"Why?" asked Rallassa.
"There's a huge orc thingy right behind you and he doesn't just like you for your donuts!" replied Bloomeelia.
"Die demon beast!" said Rallassa swinging her axe at the creature. Its head was fake and it came clean off, revealing Nemo inside. Nemo began racing
towards the royal Felorian Castle. Roger, Haylee, Bloomeelia, and Rallassa followed in pursuit. But it began to get dark.
"It's too dark and scary to trudge forward! Who knows what monsters will emerge from the murky depths of despair!" said Roger.
"I agree. I have a lantern in my knapsack somewhere" said Rallassa, scrummaging through her things. As she was searching through her items, Bloomeelia
couldn't help but laugh, as all that could be seen of Rallassa was her tail.
"I found it, I found it" said Rallassa. When she stood up, she was still stuck inside her knapsack. As she held the lantern up, the knapsack caught on
fire, and began burning.
"Eeek," shrieked Bloomeelia. "You need salvation" she yelled, pouncing onto her best friend, and viciously clawing the knapsack to shreds. The impact of
Bloomeelia's pounce put the fire out. Rallassa had already wriggled her way out of the knapsack, however, but Bloomeelia did not notice.
"Oh, oh no. Rallassa, where are you?" said Bloomeelia in a soft worried tone, as she examined the empty knapsack. Rallassa was hiding behind a bush.
"I was reduced to ashes, and it's all your fault, cretin" said Rallassa, giggling.
"Oh, Rallassa, you lost wanderer whom I loved so much. You were like a lost swan, adrift in waters of uncertain dark destinies. What can I possibly do
to appease your beautiful soul?" Bloomeelia demanded to know, making fists with her hands and pounding on the sweet-scented forest grass. Rallassa then
sneaked up on Bloomeelia from behind, and pounced on her, pinning her to the ground. Bloomeelia struggled to get up, but couldn't.
"It's me, the ghost of your best friend, come to avenge her own accidental death that could have been prevented!" said Rallassa, her hands and claws
clamping down roughly on Bloomeelia's shoulders. Haylee groaned at the cat girls.
"Uh, oh, ow!" moaned Bloomeelia. "Oh Rallassa, forgive me for my shortcomings, my errors. I tried to save you, but couldn't. I know you'd have done the
same for me" said Bloomeelia.
"I'm not going to forgive you Bloomeelia!" said Rallassa, with a mischevious grin.
"Eeeeek!" Bloomeelia screamed.
"You know why?" said Rallassa, who let go of Bloomeelia and began licking her paws, still grinning deviously.
"Oh you poor afflicted soul, why? Why? Oh Rallasa, OH RALLASSA WHY? Is it cuz I stole your water bra once? IS IT CUZ I SMASHED YOUR PICTURE OF BUBSY THE
BOBCAT? WHYYY?" screamed Bloomeelia.
"Because, I must confess, I have no need to forgive you, Bloomeelia" said Rallassa, in a diva like pose, tossing her hair behind her back. Bloomeelia
moaned louder.
"Oh Rallassa, why have you no need to forgive me? Is it because I tried to steal your water bra once? Spare my life, spirit. Your best friend, your
confidante, your admirer. OH RALLASSA!" screamed Bloomeelia.
"Wow, you're really getting into this roleplay stuff aren't you?" said Rallassa.
"Huh?" Bloomeelia asked in a confused tone.
"I'm not a spirit, I'm alive. I escaped the knapsack before it burned up, and you extinguished the flames when you pounced on it. Man, and I thought you
knew that the whole time!" exclaimed Rallassa.
"Rallassa, I'm so glad you're okay. You little trickster, you had me convinced you were a phantom kitty, I'm the one who needs to forgive you" said
Bloomeelia.
"And you will forgive me, right?" said Rallassa in a suggestively playful tone.
"NEVER!" said Bloomeelia, as she pinned Rallassa to the grass. The two cat girls continued their play-fighting and hissing in the grass for hours, until
they were exhausted, and panting heavily.
"Woah, do you two like...have a thing or something? Anyway, we'd better get going!" suggested Roger. But their paths were blocked...by a dark
hooded figure?
"What are you people doing? I heard all kinds of noises. It's late at night, and you two hooligans are laying about in the wild untamed fields?" said a
wrinkly old voice.
"Who are you? And speak for yourself, what exactly are you doing up so late?" Bloomeelia asked. The voice came from a figure concealed in a robe. The
figure took off her veil, which covered most of her face, revealing herself to be Rhotundulah the witch, whom Bloomeelia and Rallassa had encountered in
their previous adventure.
"You may call me Rhotundulah," said Rhotundulah. Upon removing her veil, she realized the identities of
the four people. She was a prophet and knew what the heroes who would defeat Nemo would look like.
"Hi Rhotundulah. What have you been up to lately?" Bloomeeelia asked.
"Woah, you two know that hooded hag? Jeez laweez, I think I'm gonna gag!" said Roger.
"Calm down Roger, have a dog biscuit!" said Haylee, feeding Roger through a funnel.
"Ah, so it's you two again, I haven't seen or heard of you in years. Bloomeelia, my how you've grown into a lovely young lady. And Rallassa, are you
going to tell me something?" asked Rhotundulah.
"I didn't expect to see you underneath that robe Rhotundulah. That was rather quaint" said Ralllassa.
"I knew you would say that. Ah, the same Rallassa I knew before, heh. Anyway girls, the reason I'm here is because I was told in a meditative vision to
come to this field, that I would find the people I was looking for. I didn't think that those people would be you four" said Rhotundulah.
"Wait a minute, who WERE you looking for? And another thing, what made you decide to come to this kingdom?" asked Rallassa.
"According to legend, this kingdom is where the Child of the Summoners was born. His name is Taunk, and the power of Jesus is infused in him. He can
defeat the child of darkness, Nemo. He is an advanced soul that reincarnates into a new body every one thousand years. The reason for my concern, is that it
is very important that the child is protected. Due to the fact he is so advanced, he leaves his sky parents at the tender age of three, to learn what it is
like to live an earthly life. Usually, this would be fine, however, there is evil in our midst, and signs of an imminent apocalypse being brought forth by
The Dark Ones! They are planning to kidnap this child and exploit his magical powers!" explained Rhotundulah.
"oh my gawwd, he's so adorable! So who were the people you were looking for? Are we said people? I've never felt so special since Mr. Rogers
lied to me!" said Roger.
"I have been known to predict future events through my visions, girls...and..alien. And I was told in one such vision that the child of the summoners was
going to be in danger, unless I could find responsible people to give him food and shelter, until the dust settles and the dark ones are eradicated from our
world" replied Rhotundulah.
"So where is he? How do you know he hasn't already been captured?" asked Rallassa.
"Because he's pulling on my tail" Rhotundulah replied, while shining her lantern behind her so Bloomeelia and Rallassa could see the child. He was a
small baby cat boy in a diaper. He posessed a pair of orange wings to fly with. Bloomeelia and Rallassa found him to be adorable. They shrieked with girlish
glee and both simultaneously let out an "Awww" before begging and pleading with Rhotundulah to allow them to take care of him.
"Well, my vision told me to come to this field, that I would find the right people to protect this child from harm. And since you people are the ones I
found I guess you'll have to do then. But be sure to feed him, and let him fly around the house from time to time. Also, I wouldn't be too surprised if his
parents begin to sense the evils down on this earth plane and come down to intervene and protect their child. If they do, do not hesitate to give the child
to them. However, there may be imposters as well, so be careful. As overwhelming and peculiar as all of this may seem, you girls should take this child and
head for home now" suggested Rhotundulah. So that is exactly what the two cat girls, and Haylee and Roger did, with help from Rhotundulah and her lantern.
Meanwhile, the dark ones are scheming in their secret underground hideout:
The seekers of the summoners child were none other than that dynamic duo of evil-doers, the sinister slimy scaly sorcerors Zasher and Vale. They were
evil reptillian wizards who travelled from realm to realm, spreading darkness, wars, and monsters everywhere they could. Zasher was a seven foot tall
dragon-like being, with large hands and very long fingers and claws to match. He wore a dark violet vest, a silver breast-plate, and a long black cape. When
angry, he snarled viciously. His eternally loyal partner Vale was a six foot tall reptillian wizard who carried a skull staff with him at all times, and wore
a red hood and cloak around his body. They both shared the ability to bi-locate, and both were very skilled in black magic. In the kingdom of Sploot, they
were lurking far beneath the earth. Both of them were thinking of ways they could initiate a plan to take the kingdom for themselves, and possibly, the
planet. Usually, they took advice from Axel, a magic talking cow-skull, however today they were simply batting ideas back and forth amongst themselves.
"Master Zasher, take a look at this mysterious legend I found on our trip through the Underworld" said Vale, stroking a picture frame he was holding.
"You've been just a little too obsessed with that picture frame ever since we got back here. What in the name of my supreme commandership is inside that
thing?" Zasher asked.
"Vhat? Oh, yes. I like to feel the frame against my fingers, Zasher! It gives me such dishy diabolical thoughts!" said Vale, who was caressing the
picture.
"Yes, it DOES seem to give you many thoughts indeed! In that case give it to me, I'm the future emperor of the multiverse here!" said Zasher, violently
snatching the frame from the clutches of Vale's scaly long fingers. On it was inscribed a legend, along with a picture of a blue-skinned goddess, with large
yellow eyes and golden hair.
"Ah, that's Numunteh, she's beautiful, I remember her," said Zasher. "She was once in charge of repairing broken drone soldiers aboard our mothership.
Like all women in all the realms, her intense feelings and emotions reach their peak during the full moon. However, she only shows herself on this
dimensional plane during the Age of the Big Blue Moon! Of course, the Age of the Big Blue Moon is not a natural occurence, like the normal blue moon is. It
can only be brought on by true sorcerors according to this legend here!" said Zasher.
"Yes, my darling assistant Vale. The powers of the Summoner's Child, according to this ancient text!" said Zasher pacing back and forth, and rubbing his
hands together. "Mmm, I have such delicious thoughts running through my head Vale. All we need to do is find the location of this 'Summoner's Child', and we
can capture him and exploit his powers!" said Zasher, making quote mark signs with his fingers.
"Voo is ze Summoner's Child?" asked Vale.
"Are we in question mode, my dear Vale? Heheh. Why Vale, the summoner's child is none other than the one who becomes the guardian of the moon. He's
reincarnated into several thousand bodies over the years throughout the ages, and his parents send him down to the earth at the tender age of three. He's the
one who usually banishes Nemo and the babelicious moon goddess to protect this filthy planet and its lazy good for nothing inhabitants. He is magical, flies,
has wings, and can levitate. He enjoys food, but doesn't need to eat, and never needs sleep, except on rare occasions in order to provoke dreams and visions.
He has no desire for glory or fame, and doesn't understand certain things about our physical dimension. He experiences romantic attractions, but is destined
by fate to never have a wife, never desires marriage his entire life, and has tremendous power that can be used for many purposes. He is not omnipotent
however, and his powers can be taken away. According to this legend, if we, the true sorcerors, can get ahold of this child, and feed him to Nemo the
Antichrist, we can exploit his magic powers and summon the Blue Moon Goddess, and she'll do our bidding, Vale!" said Zasher.
"Hmm, Zasher I have a better idea. How about we edit the soul path of the child with my crystal wand? We'll take important special moments in his
future, erase them, transform them into mundane events, make him desire all that he can't attain due to fate, and then watch and cackle triumphantly to
ourselves as he experiences the pain and confusion of not being able to live up to his potential as a hybrid half-god half-normal physical being" suggested
Vale. He continued. "He'll never be able to balance both responsibilities, and then we'll reap the rewards and feast on his lost soul energy to become even
stronger dark wizards! And maybe afterwards we'll revive him and make him into our undead minion, using a nifty spell I found, and
books about comprehensive hex education!" said Vale in a deep, melodramatic, sinister tone.
"Uh, have you been drinking interdimensionally imported Sobe lifewater again, Vale? Even us dark magicians have our own code of ethics, and we only
violate those during the autumn equinox. Now it's about time you kick your own butt into high gear Vale, because we're going to rise up out of this
underground dump of ours, and take over the world above! All of it will be ours, and every surface dweller will be subserviant to us, as we're the rightful
just rulers of this planet, and always have been!" said Zasher. Vale looked intrigued.
"Sounds marvelous, Master, simply mawvelous. Oh, one bloody little thing though, Zasher, I cannot kick my own buttox. Nor can anyone. However, I will
join you in this endeavor, as I have joined you in all your previous endeavors. I really do find your need for world domination quite appealing, and I share
it as well" said Vale.
"Excellent. I've found the location of the child using my crystal ball. Vale, the dimensional doorways of the kingdom above are opening. Axel informed
me of his decision to let this occur so that chaos will reign supreme. And we all know what chaos calls for don't we? A mask, Vale! A mask and a new face to
go along with it!" said Zasher. "The face of the new supreme ruler of the kingdom, ME! Of course, all the foolish people will see at first is the mask, the
blue moon goddess! But once we have no need for her, we'll destroy that crazy monster bitch with our magic, and I'll rule every square inch of the globe"
Zasher continued. Vale folded his arms.
"Ahem, don't you mean we will rule the world together in glory and drink fine wine?" said Vale.
"Oh, yeah, that's right we're a team. Forgive me for my shortcomings, lizzy dude. Bottom line, we invade the surface world!" said Zasher.
"So where is he? The child?" Vale asked.
"He's in a tree house being taken care of by some witchy Felorian immigrant girl scouts who sell cookies to racoons and praire dogs, while practicing
Wikka. Something like that. At any rate, in order to fool them into handing us the child, we'll need to improvise" said Zasher.
"You mean wear fashionable disguises?" asked Vale.
"Exactly! We'll be husband and wife! After a quick trip to the warlock wardrobe, we'll 'come out' so to speak, race up the stairs, and bolt up to the
surface world to conquer it and make all those mindless sheeple into slaves for our amusement. Bwahahaahahaaaaaaaaaa!" laughed the evil Zasher.
Back with the good guys...
They were at home...
Bloomeelia and Rallassa's home, that is...
"He's floating again," said Rallassa. "Every time I try to feed him, he just floats"
"Is there anything in Rhotundah's book about this issue?" Bloomeelia asked, rummaging through the cupboards. Rallassa sighed.
"No, there's nothing. It's hard work trying to take care of a sacred baby sky god day in and day out" said Rallassa.
"I know Rallassa. But we must, for the sake of his precious life, and for peace in the kingdom" said Bloomeelia in a dramatic tone. Suddenly, there came
a tapping sound which originated from the front door. Rallassa quickly went to answer, but Bloomeelia told her not to.
"No Rallassa, remember what Rhotundulah said? There are dangerous ruffians and rapscallions wandering around in the night!" warned Bloomeelia. But it
was too late. Rallassa opened the door, and saw what appeared to be two reptillian beings. One was wearing a white dress, a wig, and eye makeup, while the
other looked like a mustachioed middle aged gentle lizard, wearing a suit, and carrying a cane.
"Oh my gawd, I need to have that wig! Can I have it? Huh? Huh? You guys are the coolest couple ever, how often do you do it I gotta know!" said Roger.
"We want the kid!" said Zasher.
"Oh wait let me guess. You're my great great grandparents risen from the dead! Well just stop being risen already and go back to being zombies! And at
least grow your flipping Felorian fur back on!" said Rallassa, slamming the door on them.
"Hey, I was gonna ask that lizard lady where she gets her eyeshadow!" said Bloomeelia.
"And I was gonna have sex with her. Okay, no I wasn't" said Roger.
"They were weird. And not in a good way the way you and me are!" said Rallassa. Rallassa then stormed off to the kitchen muttering Felorian curse words,
while poor Bloomeelia watched in horror as a menacing claw broke through the door.
"We've come for the child," said an ominous crinkly voice. "And we must do what we do" the voice added. Bloomeelia screamed a high pitched cat girl
scream, and Rallassa came over to see what was the matter. She too saw claws breaking in through the door.
"Wow, I thought my great grandparents joke would make em' leave for sure. Hey freak shows, go back to the freak show circus!" yelled Rallassa.
"Hand us the child. We're his real parents" said the same crinkly voice. The claws finally tore the door to shreds, and the creatures came storming in.
Rallassa, shocked, took several glances at the reptillian creatures, and the baby cat god looking them all over carefully and repeatedly. She could
definately tell a difference.
"This baby is beautiful. And uhh, for your information, you two scuddy rags are NOT!" said Rallassa, her eyes stricken with confusion, twitching and
blinking.
"We beg to differ," said the voice. "If you don't hand us the child, who knows what horrible fate could await the kingdom? He isn't ready to dwell
amongst the earthly realm yet!"
"He is so," said Rallassa. "He's very smart for a baby, and you two are meanies." Then the green lizard wizard resorted to casting a freeze spell on
Rallassa and Bloomeelia, and snatched the child for themselves, wandering off to hold him up to the moon and use his magic to summon the strange blue
goddess. Haylee and Roger tried to escape to save them, but the door was locked, as if by magic.
meanwhile:
Zasher and Vale took off their disguises, laughing to themselves.
"Will you tell Uncle Zasher your name?" asked Zasher, bending down to see the child.
"Taunk!" replied the child.
"Taunk it is then. You can be of much use to me" said Zasher, picking up the child and holding him up towards the moonlight.
"Vale, read the spell and summon the goddess before someone notices us" said Zasher.
"I can't Zasher" said Vale.
"Why?" Zasher said, snarling.
"Someone noticed us. A bumbling idiot at that" said Vale, noticing a very old man walking down the forest path. He had his pet cat with him, and
posessed a very long beard, and was tripping over it as he walked along.
"Who...in the frickin' damn bloody hell..is THAT?" said Zasher.
"Some kooky prophet that all the veople vollow, despite the fruityness of his prophecies" explained Vale. The prophet noticed Zasher and Vale
immediately and recognized them. He had never met them, but had heard of them and seen pictures of them in ancient splootonian art.
"You two" said Prophet Snudd, waggling his finger. "You two are going to try to bring on the end of the world!"
"Nope, wouldn't think of it. We're just catching fireflies" said Zasher whistling to himself, and releasing Taunka from his grip.
"Then why were you holding that child up to the moon and why was your friend chanting something?" asked Prophet Snudd.
"It was the chant of the firefly, fool" said Vale, sounding seemingly authentic.
"Really? Then why was the moon starting to change color?" asked Snudd.
"It changes color to signify the arrival of the mystic fireflies. They bring peace, love, tattoos, and youth culture every year, all things that a
childlike old man like you would have absoloutely no trouble with at all" explained Vale. Zasher put his hand over his face and groaned.
"Get out of here you senile insignificant gnome. What are you doing up so late anyway? Did you just come out of a tavern or something? Go trip over your
insanely long beard and fall in a lake" said Zasher.
"I resent that venom coming from your mouth. Didn't your mother ever teach you manners?" said Prophet Snudd.
"I never knew my mother, or my father for that matter. If you don't get out of here, we'll use you in our little firefly ritual too, how'd you like
that, if you know what I mean?" said Zasher. Prophet Snudd struck a karate-like pose.
"Come get me lads!" said Prophet Snudd. Vale leaped towards Prophet Snudd like a caffeine crazed cougar.
"I am a master in over four hundred thousand martial arts throughout this galaxy" said Vale. Prophet Snudd chuckled, and sent a karate kick right at
Vale before he had the chance to strike at Snudd. Vale went flying from the impact of the kick, and landed right on Zasher, bashing him into the ground.
Snudd then picked up the child, and took him back to Bloomeelia's house, where he was safe.
"We may need another method to summon the goddess!" said Zasher.
"Hopefully it involves an ice bag" said Vale, suffering from a headache. "I feel worse than when I had my last hangover back at The Oozing Plinky," he
added.
"Vale, what's with the alligator tears? We're cold blooded killers with a mission to get done!" said Zasher.
"I finished reading Twilight yesterday! It was so touching Master Zasher" replied Vale.
"Why was it so touching? Why are you crying?" Zasher interrogated.
"Edward wouldn't let Bella become a vampire Zasher. He wouldn't have it happen, even though she wanted it! Why? Why are men so cruel! Only we should be
allowed the right to be so cruel!" said Vale, pounding the ground with his fists.
"I'm not one to talk about interdimensional earth books, but that's why I'm a Team Jacob fan, you should be too!" said Zasher.
"Nooo, I'm not sure I can read another twilight book, it's too depressing, and I'm too emo" said Vale.
"We'd better just give it up and call it a night!" replied Zasher.
Rhotundulah arrived and unsealed the door, and freed the heroes from the freezing spell. Then they set out to the castle.
When they arrived, there was Nemo sitting on a skull encrusted throne.
"Well well well, if it isn't the alien, the hippy slut, the bisexual cat girls, and...TAUNK THE CAT BABY?" yelled Nemo.
"Yes, Taunk the Cat Baby. Look at how fucking cute he is!" said Roger. After seeing the cat baby, Nemo fell off of his throne to the floor...seemingly dead. Then he rose, and could be seen floating in the air.
"That might work in most areas of the internet, like cheezburger. But this is fanfiction, and anything can happen!" said Nemo, striking down lightening
at Bloomeelia and Rallassa sending them flying off against the wall, all tied up.
"Looks like it's up to you and me, Hayleekins my little snowflake!" said Roger.
"Hell yeah, let's get him. Taunk, use your flame breath!" said Haylee. Taunk used flame breath. It had no effect. So Roger came up with a plan.
"Taunk just needs a crucifix on him. The Antichrist hates Jesus!" said Roger. Meanwhile, Haylee was kicking Nemo and punching him, when suddenly she
remembered he was her baby and she couldn't do it anymore. Then Roger held up Taunk, who was wearing a crucifix on his neck, and Nemo got frightened.
"NOOOOO!" yelled Nemo. Nemo vanished into thin air, and Haylee and Roger freed Bloomeelia and Rallassa.
"You guys were awesome, we couldn't have done it without you. And you're totally hot, let's all make out!" said Roger.
"No, let's not!" said Haylee.
Bloomeelia and Rallassa brought back the true king of their kingdom, who was a sheep named Azlamb and then they used their magic wands
to warp Haylee and Roger back to Langley Falls.
"Woah, that was an adventure. Come on, gimme a reward!" said Roger.
"Oh, alright. Come here, you!" said Haylee. Roger and Haylee shared a long kiss.
The end?
No, you need to find out how the king was freed.
"I wish Rhotundulator or whatever her name is would give us money for this babysitting business!" protested Bloomeelia. Bloomeelia and Rallassa sighed.
"Let us get up off the floor and make appropriate use of the kitchen, by making dear little muffins, or snarfing on cookies!" suggested Bloomeelia.
Rallassa nodded her head in agreement.
"Cookie time, cookie time, cookie wookie cookie time" sang Rallassa. The two beautiful and sweetly dressed cat girls got up off the floor and hastened
to the kitchen cookie jar, seated on a dark black table next to a Feejah board, an occult tool only used in the Sploot Kingdom. They attempted to open the
jar, but it was a futile attempt. The jar seemed sealed shut with some kind of magical energy.
"Okay Rallassa, this calls for best friend power, at three, we pull with all our fierce feminine might" said Bloomeelia. "Four paws are better than
two," she added.
"One, two, three, PULL!" the two girls yelled as they pulled on the jar. Unfortunately for Bloomeelia and Rallassa, the apple shaped cookie jar went
flying directly behind them, where it crashed into a nearbye wall, breaking into one hundred shattered pieces. Puzzled, Bloomeelia and Rallassa walked up to
where the remains of the cookie holding artifact could be seen. There, amidst the remains, was Taunk, eating a few loose crumbs of peanut butter cookie
treats.
"Awwww!" sighed Bloomeelia.
"Well, isn't that rather quaint, it's Taunk. You're a bad sky god Taunk. I'm gonna paddle you!" said Rallassa angrily.
"No, don't do that Rallassa, he's only a floof, he doesn't know any better. I was paddled like a paddle ball back when I was a floof, and you know what?
It made me even more of a cretin than I already was" said Bloomeelia. Rallassa nodded.
"You're right Bloomy. I'm a bad mommy" said Rallassa, sniffling. Bloomeelia thoughtfully brought some tissue to aid her best friend's watering eyes.
"No you're not. We're gonna figure out a way to make this work! We're best friends" said Bloomeelia.
"We sure are Bloomeelia" said Rallassa opening up her arms for a hug. Bloomeelia and Rallassa embraced, hugging each other tightly.
"We're not purrrrfect, but we try our best don't we Bloomy woomy?" said Rallassa.
"Uh huh, I think I'm trying my best right now not to get lost in our fur" said Bloomeelia.
"Aww, it's sooo easy to get lost in YOUR fur Bloomeelia. It's so soft and snuggly!" said Rallassa, curling up closer to Bloomeelia. Taunk climbed up onto
Rallassa's back in the midst of her snuggling with Bloomeelia, tapping her on the back.
"Demon beaaast!" shrieked Rallassa.
"Wa..what? Well I never. You told me more intimacy in our friendship would be good for us. If I'm a demon beast, then you're a rotten artichoke!" said
Bloomeelia.
"No Bloomeelia. You're not the demon beast. That...is!" said Rallassa, pulling Taunk off of herself setting him aside, and hiding herself behind her
best friend. Taunk had apparently grown sabre-tooth tiger teeth.
"Aaaaaaaah!" screamed Bloomeelia. "It's the Feejah board, Daddy was right, they really are evil, I'm gonna destroy it!" said Bloomeelia.
"But how ever will you manage to do that?" asked Rallassa.
"LIKE THIS!" said Bloomeelia, smashing the Feejah board in two. Taunk returned to normal. Bloomeelia and Rallassa hugged Taunk and let him know he was
loved. But suddenly, the lights grew dim with darkness. A vile face could be seen. It began to speak the following words:
"I am the lone wolf of Nejoorini, however I used to be something else. By destroying that board, you have set me free. Me and my fellow wolf spirits are
denizens of the darkness. There are two of us. We travel seperately, therefore we are lone wolves. We mean you two no harm, as long as you can find the
physical form of my twin spirit and defeat it in the heat of battle with magic, therebye freeing us from our wolfy selves!" instructed the wolf.
"Okay, awkward!" said Bloomeelia.
"Yeah, what about our day job?" asked Rallassa, thinking of the magical pet shop.
"And Taunk!" said Bloomeelia.
"SILENCE! No, listen to me. If you do not do this, the wolf spirits will prohibit you from going on the journey that is all too necessary, and they will
haunt and inhabit you and your best friend!" inisted the wolf.
"That does not sound good Daddio!" said Bloomeelia.
"You will each face a different trial, but after you complete the trials you will both face one fierce wolf. These will be proving grounds for your
battle skills, nothing more, nothing less! Off you two go!" said the face, creating two seperate portals, and thrusting Bloomeelia and Rallassa into them
against their will. Taunk was left behind.
"Can I go?" he asked. The face laughed.
"Your higher self and higher than higher self can certainly lend a paw!" said the face. Taunk split into two seperate selves. His higher self jumped into
the portal to help Bloomeelia. His higher higher self helped Rallassa.
It was morning. Late in the morning. Oddly, the sun had not come up yet. The ghastly face floating above the kitchen table roared and thundered in vociferous anger.
"Have you not brought back the jar? Where is the jar? The one that should contain my twin spirit?" asked the ghostly ghastly wolf face in an exagerrated low pitched tone.
"I have the jar," said Bloomeelia, holding up the jar.
"You do not have the jar" responded the face, despite the fact that Bloomeelia was in fact holding up the jar.
"Yes I do, cretin" said Bloomeelia. The face growled.
"You dare call me a cretin? You must cry!" said the face.
"Cry?" asked Bloomeelia in an inquisitive tone.
"Both you and your best friend must cry" said the face. Bloomeelia and Rallassa began crying whilst clutching each other.
"Good. Now, I know you did have the jar, but the reason I told you that you did not, was because it should not have only been Bloomeelia holding up the jar in front of me, aye, it should have been both of ye, after all, it was a team effort. Both of you went on a spiritual journey to overcome a powerful adversary" said the face.
"He wasn't that powerful. We KO'ed that wimpy wolf costume in less than eight seconds for your information, you turnip!" replied Rallassa.
"Okay, so he wasn't that powerful. I'm a good king. Making monsters should be left up to the evil kings I guess" said the face.
"Forgive me, but you look rather evil yourself" said Bloomeelia.
"I know I do. Why, I look like a cretinous spooty rag. That is because I am being taken over by dark entities that were summoned through the Feejah board. Breaking it freed me from their grasp so they can no longer do any further damage to my soul. However, they had already damaged me so much, which is why I look so hideous now. If you two would stop insulting me and just release the twin spirit, so it can rejoin with my own, I would return to my normal form!" said the face. Bloomeelia and Rallassa giggled and proudly held up the jar together.
"We have the jar" said Bloomeelia and Rallassa in unison. Bloomeelia opened the jar and the twin spirit returned to the face, causing it to fade away and become its true normal pure form, a small and cute little lamb.
"Thank you, girls. The twin spirit and I are glad to be back together. I am King Azlamb!" said Azlamb.
"Wow, the king of Sploot. It's an honor to meet you" said Bloomeelia, with a hint of sarcasm.
"Meh, I'm not that impressed, it looks like the poor thing hasn't bathed in ages" said Rallassa.
"I'm so thankful for the return of my twin spirit, now I am back to my noble self" said Azlamb.
"Ha, noble? What conceit! What a cretin. No thanks to you for what you put us through, cretin!" said Bloomeelia.
"Yeah, and what the heck is a twin spirit in the first place? We're experienced sorceressi, and we've never heard anything as absurd as the tripe that comes from your mouth. Would you mind explaining to us what the poo that is you flea bitten flanky bag of fleece?" asked Rallassa. The lamb just sat there with its tiny beedy eyes, staring at the two cat girls.
"You look awful filthy for a king. It's really unbecoming of you" said Bloomeelia.
"I'd say he looks quaint, but that would be putting it lightly. Flat out strange and unnatural is more like it" said Rallassa.
"Totally, almost like he outgrew his treadmill and bought a new one from the Planet Freak-O" said Bloomeelia in agreement.
"Yeah, your fleece is soggy like wet corn flakes" said Rallassa. The lamb remained silent.
"Creeetin, cretin cretin, cretin" said Bloomeelia continuously. Finally the lamb spoke, with a loud "Baaa" that sent Bloomeelia and Rallassa flying towards the back wall.
"Is that really all you have to offer, you flea bitten filthy flanky floofy spooty excuse for a splootonian sheepish piece of fluff?" said Rallassa.
"Azlamb's got soggy fleece" teased Bloomeelia. The lamb remained silent.
"Yeah, and I've heard cows that can moo louder than you can baaaa, hahahaheh" giggled Rallassa.
"He is fetchingly cuddly though, isn't he Rallassa?" said Bloomeelia picking up Azlamb and hugging him. She began kissing him softly and repeatedly.
"We were just kidding sweetie, now we're gonna give Azlamb the royal treatment, aren't we Rallassa?" said Bloomeelia. Rallassa pulled out her brush.
"Mmmhm! And some grooming for that soggy flakey fleece" said Rallassa as she brushed Azlamb's fur, all the whilst Bloomeelia kept on covering his nose in wet edible lipstick. Azlamb blushed from all the wet kisses, grooming, and pampering he was receiving.
THE END