A/N: This has been floating around in my mind since the Wanted arc. I've only just gotten around to writing it. Basically, it's Lars bonding with the other off colors through different issues. This first chapter is with Rhodonite. I was originally planning on having it be the Rutile twins, but after writing the first few paragraphs I realized that the theme that I was going for was the one that I had previously decided on for Rhodonite, so I decided to start with her instead.
Lars wasn't used to being around people for extended periods of time. Sure, he used to spend a lot of time with Sadie, but she didn't count...not that she wasn't a person, because, obviously, she was. Lars just...he felt like he could actually be himself when he was around Sadie. If anybody else was around though, forget about it. Lars hated how it happened, but it seemed like any time anybody who wasn't Sadie was around, he would suddenly feel all paranoid that they were watching him, just waiting for him to screw up. It didn't matter how much Sadie tried to reassure him that he was okay, or how much he tried to calm himself down, the same thing always happened.
Lars would just freeze up. He felt like he needed to fit in, but when it came to actually interacting with people, his mind just stopped working with him and he couldn't think of what he was supposed to do to be seen as normal. To make matters worse, Lars' uncertainty made him feel even more desperate to fit in, and then he would end up psyching himself out because he couldn't think of how to fit in. More often than not, in Lars' desperation to just do something other than silently stand there like a complete freak, he started talking his mouth off, and he always ended up saying the first thing that popped into his head, which was always the exact wrong thing to say.
So, no, Lars wasn't very good at interacting with people. Sadie was the exception, with Steven and his parents being the occasional exceptions, though he still had his guard up around them. Don't ask him why he was scared of interacting with his parents and some kid, because he didn't know. It was just the way that things were, no matter how frustratingly pathetic it was.
Lars wanted to be good with people, it was probably what he wanted more than anything else, he just didn't know how to do it. No amount of forced practice or well meant advice helped either. No matter how hard Lars tried, or how much he really wanted to feel comfortable around people, he just didn't. All of his attempts just made him feel left out and lonely, anxious because he didn't know what he was doing, and like a completely idiot for, once again, trying to do something that he just couldn't do!
It really sucked, to have an intense desire to be around people and have real relationships, but being incapable of it because of his stupid fear.
Lars was so used to just completely shutting down when it came to being around anybody who wasn't Sadie, so it was a complete shock, and slightly unnerving, when he felt none of his normal anxieties with the off-color gems.
It just didn't make sense. Lars hadn't been able to handle a fairly nice and only slightly dangerous week away on some crummy island, even though Sadie and Steven had been the only ones there. Lars had completely broken down that time, but now here he was, on a foreign planet where he had actually died, with nobody but alien stone creatures to keep him company, and he didn't even feel homesick.
Actually, he did feel homesick, but only in the sense that he missed his parents, and the beach, and Sadie. Unlike on the island though, Lars' homesickness didn't actually make him feel nauseous. It was just a slight feeling of longing mixed with nostalgia. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, but Lars would rather deal with it than a whole bunch of other conflicting emotions, so he couldn't complain.
Lars didn't know what was so different about the off-color gems, but he actually felt comfortable around them. Maybe it was because he knew that they were outcasts from their society and he could relate. Maybe it was just that they weren't human, so the nervousness that he got from interacting with people didn't apply. Maybe it had something to do with how he actually felt needed around these guys, like he could actually offer up something worthwhile. Whatever the case, Lars didn't feel judged by the gems, so he didn't feel the need to hide who he was,so his thoughts and emotions didn't get all screwed up and he was actually able to act like himself around them.
It was a nice change of pace, but still extremely weird, sometimes uncomfortably so. It didn't matter how non-judgemental and accepting his new friends were, Lars just wasn't used to the constant interaction. Sometimes, he needed to get away, cool his head, and have some time to convince himself that there wasn't anything wrong with actually feeling like a normal person for once.
Lars felt a little bad for not being entirely honest with his friends as to why he was always wandering off alone. He told them that he needed a little bit of space sometimes, and that was it. He knew that they were concerned and confused, but he didn't want them to know exactly why he needed some alone time. He just didn't want to worry them even more or make them feel like they were doing something wrong, because they weren't. This was all on him.
Lars knew that the gems weren't happy that he always seemed to walk away during particularly quiet moments, but they respected his space enough to let him do what he wanted, which just made Lars feel even more guilty than before. He felt like he needed his space sometimes, and he couldn't help how he felt. And Lars knew that if he didn't let himself have some alone time when he needed it, then he would completely lose it in front of his friends and feel like even more of an ass than he already knew he was.
Lars tried to minimize how often he left on his own, and he was always careful to not go far. After all, his friends counted on him to keep them safe from the gem detecting robonoids. Still, when he needed his space, he needed his space.
Lars always had his guard completely down when he was on his own. There wasn't anybody around that he needed to put up an act in front of. Sure, he felt comfortable around his gem friends, but he still had a facade that he used with them. They counted on him for protection, and they saw him as being completely in control, even though he often felt like he had no control whatsoever. He didn't want to let his friends down though, so he did his best to act like they wanted him to.
Lars never really enjoyed acting a specific way just because it was what somebody else expected of him, but it was a lot easier to do with his friends because he actually knew how they expected him to act and he didn't have to deal with the stress of always guessing.
If there was one disadvantage to having some alone time, it was that it always took time for him to get himself back into a state of mind where he could be cool with interacting with people again,so if somebody snuck up on him when he thought he was alone, he often freaked out more than he usually would, and it definitely wasn't fun.
So when Lars thought he was on his own, only for Rhodonite to sneak up on him, he didn't take it very well.
"R-rhodonite?!" Lars felt the familiar panic that he dealt with whenever the Cool Kids were involved. "W-what are you doing here?" Lars' fear of interacting with his friend without a warning ebbed away only to be replaced by a different kind of fear. "Is everything okay? There aren't more robonoids around, are there?" If his friends were attacked and left defenseless just because he didn't know how to handle his own damn emotions…
"No, no, everything's fine." Rhodonite raised her two upper arms in a pacifying gesture while she fiddled with her lower hands. She was nervous about something, but they weren't under attack, so at least there was that. "I...I was actually wondering if you were alright."
"What? I'm fine." Lars didn't really get why she was asking him, and then he remembered that he had walked away from them in the first place. Of course she was concerned, all of the gems were.
"I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you don't look alright." Rhodonite sat down on the ground next to Lars. "Why do you come out here anyways?"
"I don't know." Lars said. He was quiet for a moment. "I just needed some space."
"Do you need space often?" Rhodonite asked. "Because this seems to happen a lot."
Lars frowned. "I just don't want to totally explode at you guys, and I've learned that it's better to be safe than sorry with this kind of thing." If Lars felt like he was going to lose his temper, then, if possible without making a scene, he needed to get out of the situation.
Rhodonite's expression told Lars that she understood, probably more than he meant for her to. "You've told us a lot about Earth, but I don't think you've actually told us what the other humans are like."
Lars stiffened. "Please, don't ask me to tell you about humans." Lars said in a cold, hard voice. "Ask Steven if you really want to know, but I'm the last person you should go to for telling you about what humans are like."
Rhodonite looked even more concerned and nervous than she usually was, which was really saying something. "Why is that?"
"Because I don't want to scare you away from going to Earth just because I don't know how to deal with people." Lars clenched his shirt and twisted it up in his fists. "I just...I suck at even the easiest little interactions. See, humans expect a lot from each other, but we never actually talk about what is expected. We just have a bunch of unspoken rules that everybody else seems to understand, and I...don't. So I just end up screwing everything up and saying the wrong things when it comes to people. I get mad because I don't understand, and I take it out on whoever happens to be around, and then they get mad because I'm freaking out over nothing, and then I get even more mad because they're mad at me, and…" Lars groaned and ran a hand through his hair. He was getting himself worked up over nothing, as usual. "Look, I'm just...I've had some bad experiences."
Rhodonite fidgeted with her hands even more than she had been doing before. "...It sounds like humans are a lot likes gems in that way."
Lars finally looked towards the gem. "What do you mean?" He asked hesitantly.
Rhodonite sighed and closed her upper eyes, though her lower ones remained open. "We've explained to you how me and Flourite are fusions, right?"
"Yeah," Lars nodded. "You're a combination of two different gems, and Flourite is, what, six?" Lars didn't entirely understand how fusion worked, but he had seen so many weird things in his life that his mind didn't even question the strangeness anymore.
"Well, the only reason that I came into being was because a Pearl and a Ruby felt so stressed with their own individual lives, and they were only able to find relief with each other." Rhodonite explained, and Lars could understand that, because it sounded a lot like his relationship with Sadie.
"They didn't mean for it to happen, but one day, they fused." Rhodonite's eyes, all four of them, looked somewhat glossy, as though she remembered the events of the past so clearly that she could see it playing out in front of her. "They, no, I knew that it was wrong. That two different gems should never fuse with each other...but I did it anyways, and I stayed this way."
"Why?" Lars asked. "Why would you consciously chose to do the one thing that you knew you should never do?"
"Because it makes the pain a little less." Rhodonite said. "Ruby and Pearl didn't have it easy working for Morganite. There were so many rules and restrictions, and there were a lot of tasks that they had to do. Morganite and the other gems didn't actually expect a whole lot from Ruby and Pearl, but if they failed to follow orders exactly right-" Rhodonite trailed off.
"...Yeah, that does sound familiar." Lars muttered as he rubbed his arms. Impossible expectations that conflicted with extremely low and degrading expectations for failure. That basically summed up a good portion of Lars' human interactions. Or, at least, it was how he felt.
"Ruby and Pearl knew that they were never going to be to meet the expectations that other gems laid out." Rhodonite said. "So when they fused, I decided that I would rather stay together and hold on to the feeling of security that comes with knowing that at least I have somebody who believes in me, because they're inside of me, and...and…" Rhodonite trailed off, suddenly looking embarrassed. "And you're a human who doesn't understand what kind of connection I'm talking about. I'm sorry, I just started rambling, and-"
"It's okay." Lars insisted. "I...I kinda get it." Not the whole fusion thing, but the idea that maybe it was better to have just the small group of people, or even just the one person, who understood and accepted you completely then to force yourself to be part of a society that you didn't feel accepted you.
Lars didn't feel like Rhodonite's experiences with gems and his experiences with humans were all that similar though. Rhodonite had a reason for being so nervous around new gems and for feeling the need to stay fused all the time, because when she was Rhodonite her two gems grounded each other and helped each other to feel okay with whatever situation they were going through.
Lars hadn't been somebody's servant or slave. Human society didn't actually expect that much of him, and they certainly didn't expect him to fail at everything he did. Lars just felt like they were, for absolutely no reason, and he hated it.
Still, whether Lars believed that their pasts could actually be compared to each others or not, he took comfort in knowing Rhodonite's story. He understood her a little better now, why she acted the way she did. And even though Lars still thought that he was just being a baby about human interactions, it had sounded like Rhodonite's experiences had made her feel a similar way to how Lars felt whenever he was around people. He didn't feel like his feelings were justified, but it was still nice to know that he wasn't the only being out there who felt this way.
"What I'm trying to say is, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself." Rhodonite said. "I don't know what you've been through with the other humans, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about it. I know you may think that these bad situations were your own fault, or you're just overreacting. I know, because that's how I felt, but…" Rhodonite trailed off and fidgeted with her hands some more as she tried to find the words to say.
"Lars, if I've learned anything, it's that you can't help how you feel." Rhodonite looked extremely awkward, which was exactly how Lars felt. "In the end it doesn't matter what you've been through...I mean, it does, but...ugh." Rhodonite groaned and ran her heads over her face. "Whatever you've been through, what really matters is how it made you feel."
"...I guess so." Lars felt a small smile creep on to his face. This whole conversation just reminded him of something that Sadie would say to home, complete with the unsure awkwardness and the message about not waving off his feelings like they didn't mean anything, like he somehow didn't feel like he deserved to feel the way that he did.
God, he missed Sadie.
"I'm sorry." Rhodonite said again, looking more flustered than ever. "I'm probably not making any sense."
"No, I get what you're saying." Lars said, just because he really didn't want her to get in her own head about screwing up the conversation when she was just there to make him feel better. "I mean, I'm not saying that I completely agree with it, but I get it."
Rhodonite breathed a sigh of relief, though also of disappointment, which just made Lars feel worse. She didn't deserve to feel bad just because he couldn't get a handle on his emotions. Rhodonite had so many of her own problems to worry about, and Lars didn't want to throw his on top of there. There was only one thing he could think of to fix the situation, and that was to just end it before it got worse.
That was often Lars' strategy for difficult situations.
He got to his feet and stretched. "Look, I'm not making any promises, but I'll think about it, okay?" And he meant it. Lars thought that it was a fair compromise, and Rhodonite seemed to think so as well. She chuckled nervously and stood up as well.
"Yes, I suppose that's fair." Rhodonite said. "I'm sorry about walking in on you like this." Lars wished that Rhodonite would stop apologizing. "I know you like your space, but...you know that you can talk to us, right?"
Lars grimaced. "Yeah, I know." That was a phrase that he had heard about a billion times in his life, from dozens of different people. His parents. Sadie. Ronaldo when they were kids. Steven. His teachers at school. His councilors, both at school and outside of it. Even the Cool Kids had said basically the same thing once or twice. Lars knew that he had people who loved and supported him, and he knew that he could talk to them if he wanted to, he just...really didn't want to. Partially because talking to people was a big problem for him in the first place, and partially because he didn't want to burden others with his problems.
...But it did feel nice to know that he had such a large support system, even if he rarely ever accepted help from it. After all, it was the thought that counted. And maybe someday when Lars was feeling better about himself and more confident with his coping skills he would actually accept the help.
...maybe.
A/N: So...Social anxiety. It's really obvious to me that Lars has it, or maybe I just see it that way because I relate to Lars and I have social anxiety...I don't know. Either way, I don't know for sure how social anxiety makes other people feel, but I did my best to portray how it makes me feel, which was really hard to do. I'm not all that good at explaining my own emotions, and for this chapter I had to remember how I felt and what I was thinking and doing when I was anxious and nervous around people, which is really hard to do if it's not how I'm feeling at the moment. I think I did okay though. The next chapter should be Rutile...or Padparadscha. Depends on my mood I guess.