"Uncle Han? Can I ask you a question? If you don't mind, that is."
Han Solo turned slowly, marvelling anew at how his young nephew had turned from a vibrant, mischievous little child into this strong, reserved and handsome young man. He was wiping his hands on a rag meticulously, after helping his uncle with some routine maintenance on the Falcon, but with a slight frown on his features, his thoughts elsewhere.
Han sighed. He could guess what the topic of this conversation was going to be.
"About Jacen?"
Ben caught his eye and nodded sheepishly. Han shrugged, and inwardly braced himself.
"Go ahead, kid. Shoot."
"You know you said that you feel Jacen never came home from the Vong war, that he died after killing Onimi?"
Han opened his mouth to clarify his statement but then thought better of it. He'd hear the kid out first.
"Then who was the Jacen I knew, Uncle Han? Didn't I ever know the real Jacen? The Jacen all of you always talk about?"
The question hit Han right between the eyes. His eyes widened and he realized he didn't have an answer for the kid.
Ben had been born in the middle of the terrifying war against the Yuuzhan Vong, a war that had engulfed and ravaged the Skywalker and Solo families. Jacen had been captured and tortured for almost a year by the Vong and Vergere and had come all too close to embracing the Dark Side of the Force. Ben had been separated from them all and packed off to Shelter, deep in the heart of the Maw, when his family couldn't guarantee the infant's safety. And once the war had finally ended, Jacen had taken off for five years, wandering the galaxy, dabbling in mysterious and arcane studies of the Force. Ben had no memories of Jacen from the Vong war, until he met him on his return from his travels when he was about eight years old. By that time, Jacen's eventual fall to the Dark Side had probably begun. In many ways, he had changed for those who had known and loved him before. But Ben had had his own problems. Despite being a very strong Force-sensitive child, he had withdrawn himself from the Force, a natural reaction after his infant mind had been terrorized by the death and destruction he'd been able to sense through it on account of the war. It had finally been Jacen who had been able to reach out to him, break his fear and help him discover his powers in the Force,and the child had grown to look up to Jacen as an older brother, a mentor and an eventual Master.
But Jacen had shattered his young cousin's love and admiration in the most brutal way possible. He had killed his mother, Mara Jade Skywalker, Ben's heart, and thereby completed his turn to the Dark Side becoming the Sith Lord, Darth Caedus. Thereafter, when Ben had come after him for revenge, he had captured and even tortured the young boy. It had been Ben who had found the evidence to prove to the rest of his family that it really had been Jacen who had murdered his aunt.
The two wars had changed their families...and almost halved it. Ben had never known Chewbacca, Han's first mate and best friend, who had died before he had even been born, or Anakin, Han's youngest son, who had been killed when he had been just a few months old. At some level, this had always been a secret sorrow in the boy's heart. And now here he was, debating whether he had ever really known his only surviving brother either.
Han swallowed thickly. Ben was watching him, those damnably piercing Skywalker blue eyes waiting patiently for his answer.
"I...I don't know what to tell you, kid."
His voice sounded hoarse to his own ears.
"I mean, we were his parents and even we never saw him falling...in all those years..."
"I loved him once, Uncle Han. Idolized him. Was all that a lie too?"
Jacen had manipulated and used Ben's love for him to further his own designs. And then he'd killed his mother. He had a reason to be angry with him.
Han sat down slowly on the Falcon's boarding ramp. He wasn't accustomed to such heavy philosophical questions being aimed at him. And for once, he didn't have a straight answer or a quick retort. This was about his son. One of the most heart-breaking episodes in his life.
"The Force isn't telling you?" he attempted, weakly.
Ben pursed his lips. Apparently there were some questions even the Force hadn't helped him resolve. So when the Force failed, he turned to his ol' Uncle Han. He was a problem-solver, this one. Always had to have the answers, always had to know why. He was secretly so proud of him for that and he knew Luke felt the same way.
He let out a deep breath.
"We all loved Jacen, Ben. For a long time, even after some of the nasties he pulled. You weren't wrong there. And you can't deny, he did help you find your feet."
Ben nodded mutely, arms folded across his chest.
"I know I tried to disown him after the whole killing-Fett's-daughter-during-interrogation episode, but..."
Han stopped, having run out of words.
Ben had paled. He had been there during that fateful interrogation. It was what had made him begin questioning his own blind faith in Jacen.
"What did it take for you, Uncle Han? Mom's death? The burning of Kashyyk?"
Ben had felt himself implicated in a lot of Jacen's actions. It had taken him a long time to rid himself of the ghosts of war.
Han shook his head sorrowfully.
"When I saw him...after Jaina got him...I couldn't think of all the poodoo he'd done, I couldn't see him as Sith. He was my boy and I'd just lost him too. He went wrong, but he was still my boy. Maybe we were to blame."
He passed a weary hand through his hair. The memories were still vivid, still frightfully painful. He knew they were the same for Ben, for all of them. These were wounds from which none of them could ever really hope to heal. That was why he was still standing here, asking him these hard questions. That was why he had to know.
Ben waited for a while, expecting his uncle to say something more. When he didn't, he walked over to sit beside him on the ramp.
"So I didn't know my own cousin, did I?"
His voice was old, defeated. As if he had known the answer all along, but had dreaded its confirmation.
"I loved the man who killed my mother. I never even met the real Jacen."
Han looked at him sharply.
"What's real, Ben? It's the things we experience in our lives that make us who we are. You're a Jedi, you should know that. Take a look at yourself, for example. You think you're the same kid now that you were going into the war? Heck, you grew up so much half the time your own folks couldn't even recognize ya! So which Ben's real, huh? The kid you were before? Or the young man that emerged after? Would you say you're less real now, now that you've seen what you've seen, done what you've done?"
Ben looked haunted. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words seemed to come out.
Han hadn't meant to be harsh on him.
"Look, kid-"
"You're right."
Ben's voice was a whisper.
"I-I never knew...There's so much I don't know."
He turned to his uncle wildly.
"What about Mom? I never knew her when she was with the Empire, wen she served the Dark Side. And Dad? When he was with the Rebellion? Before he became Jedi Master? I don't even remember Jaina from the Vong war! And what about you? Aunt Leia?"
Han was alarmed at the boy's sudden burst of panic.
"Hey, kid, calm down, alright? How can you be expected to know things from before you were even born? And hey, you can't say you don't know us! You know all the stories, all that we've done. We never hid anything from you."
Ben raised his head, his eyes still fearful.
"You don't understand. I loved Jacen because...I didn't know better! I never knew him from before the Vong. I never saw him as you once did. I only really got to know him once he returned from his travels, when he took me under his wing and all of you were away fighting the Killiks. And you said he never came home, Uncle Han! Don't you see? I never loved Jacen at all! He-he was already some stranger!"
Han clenched his jaw. His head was beginning to buzz with the impact of all the memories Ben was dredging up. He forced himself to be calm to help his nephew understand.
"Ben, Jacen changed after all that he saw and learned and suffered under the Vong and later, when he was travelling. You couldn't have expected him not to. What I meant to say was that the Jacen I was used to never came home. He'd picked up a lot of funny things on his journey, things even your Dad didn't fully understand. They made a lot of us uncomfortable. But he was still Jacen. I think he asked himself a lot of tough questions over the years, he did a lot of things he shouldn't have, but just because he was wrong didn't mean he wasn't Jacen. You may have put him on a pedestal and hero-worshipped him, kid, but he was never perfect. None of us can be."
Silent tears were streaming down Ben's face now.
"I wish I could have known him. The Jacen you knew."
He shook his head, rubbing his face angrily.
"Half my family was gone before I even had a chance to get to know them."
Han placed a hand on his nephew's back and motioned him close.
"Hey, you've known the smuggler-pirate-scoundrel I've always been, kid," he said, attempting to lighten the mood. It didn't work. Ben remained downcast. He sighed.
"Don't look so far to the past, Ben. We all made a lot of mistakes. It's best you don't repeat them. You're our future, kid. You made your way inspite of Jacen, didn't you? What does that tell you? There's more to you, Ben Skywalker, than meets the blinking eye. Think you haven't changed yourself? Once you were a little 'un I could dangle one-handed. Now? Look at you! You're big enough to wrestle a Wookiee!"
That did it. Han saw the flicker of a watery grin Ben could no longer suppress.
"Your life's ahead of you, kid. That's the road you've got to go down. And don't look back. We might not be there to always tell you what to do. You gotta make your own mistakes. It's the only way you'll ever actually learn anything useful. Heck, it's the way I learnt! And now look at me!"
The old mischief returned to Ben's eyes as he openly grinned at his uncle this time.
"The no-good, scruffy-looking nerf-herder?"
Han guffawed, cuffing the boy good naturedly around his head.
"Picked up all the important bits from history, I see? Remember what happened next?" he smirked at him.
Ben recoiled.
"Sithspawn, Uncle Han! Life advice from you, I can take. Just please don't start with your looong and complicated love story with Aunt Leia. I heard it once. That's more than enough!"
"Oh I wouldn't bet on it. One day, you'll find your Jedi skills aren't helping with some girlfriend and then you'll come crawling back to me!"
Ben stood up, wiping his hands carelessly on his trousers.
"Sure, that'll be the day! What happened to letting me learn from my own mistakes?"
His uncle regarded him with mock pity.
"You're a Skywalker, son. There's no way in all the nine Corellian hells you'll be able to make it without help!"
This time it was Ben who smirked.
"You forget, dear Uncle. Before you, I'll probably comm Uncle Lando. He used to be pretty smooth with Aunt Leia, if I recall my.. history correctly!"
His uncle's grin slipped off his face and that was all the cue he needed to make a run for the hangar exit.