Look! I didn't fall off the face of the earth. And I didn't go and buy the rights to Castle. Duh!
Oh shit! He's here!
It wasn't that she didn't want to see him. Not exactly. Not at all. She craved seeing him, craved his touch, his words, his mouth on her body. But that was exactly the reason she had imposed this forced separation. She felt her cheeks flush and quickly ducked into an aisle opposite the direction from where he came.
It had been four weeks since she had quit the department. Four weeks since she had arrived at his doorstep, saturated and a little desperate. Four weeks since he had forgiven her and welcomed her into his life. His family and his entire world. And though she loved him - God, she loved him so much it hurt - though she loved him, she had woken this morning in a state of panic.
She had slipped out of bed and made her way into the kitchen, stealthily made tea instead of her usual mug of rich, dark java. She had feared the aroma would wake him and didn't feel up to explaining why she had suddenly felt nauseous, why waking up amid thousand thread-count sheets and the strong, warm embrace of his arms made her feel a little queasy. She pulled on clothes from the pile she had sitting in the laundry room, not wanting to risk waking him with noise from the closet.
He had found her of course. Whether it was a lack of body heat or his innate sense of her presence or lack thereof; he had found her. She'd barely made a dent into her cup of tea, let alone the doubts and fears rapidly firing through her mind before his arms had wrapped around her waist. She had flinched as she stood looking out the large windows into her unknown future; for once, unaware of his presence until he had reached her. His arms had dropped from her waist and her heart had dropped into her gut. It wasn't that he was the problem. It was her. And she wasn't quite ready to share what was troubling her.
She was a creature of habit, she woke at six in the morning whether she was on shift or not. For the last twenty-seven days she had been content to lie in his arms and watch as he slept until a more respectable hour. Today was different though. It had been twenty-eight days. She was a creature of habit, used to sorting out problems on her own. Javi would be returning to work today. It had been four weeks and it all came crashing down onto her as she watched him dream. His lips had twitched into a dirty smile and he had mumbled, "Mm, Detective Beckett." Normally, it would have amused her.
But not today. Lying in his arms, breathing in the scent that was now not only his but hers, she had begun to feel the familiar tug of panic in her chest. Had she jumped too soon? Ridiculous. Four years wasn't exactly rushing things. Still, they had gone from zero to sixty exceedingly fast if the protracted wooing process was to be discounted. She realized, as she looked around the room and saw her clothes draped across a chair, her makeup sitting on the dresser and her bra hanging precariously from a book on the shelf, that she had all but moved in with the man.
Had she replaced one obsession with another? Was she using the bubble of new-relationship bliss to hide from the fact that she was now unemployed and in all probability still a woman marked for death?
God.
She was a woman marked for death and yet here she was, holed up on aisle five, hiding from the man she loved. Aisle five of the supermarket three blocks further from her apartment than the one she usually frequented.
She had tried to explain. She had tried to reason with him and explain that she needed a little space. But in her non-caffeinated, just woken up state, it was possible her words may have been a little less than thought out.
"It's not you, it's me."
He paled and swallowed heavily. "Kate…"
"Shit, Castle. That's not how it sounds."
"Are you sure?"
"Castle… Rick, I love you."
"Then I don't understand why you need to leave. There's nothing we can't do together."
"I don't know who I am without the force, without you to prop me up."
She watched as some semblance of understanding dawned on his face. "Esposito's going back to work today."
"Yeah."
"Kate, I get that you're feeling adrift. What I don't get is why you are shutting me out? Again." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Why do you need to go home?"
His voice rose in irritation, and a hint of something she couldn't quite pinpoint. Her hackles raised in defense. They had been going round in circles on this issue for long enough. Excuses about errands to run wouldn't cut it. Besides, she had made a promise to herself that she wouldn't repeat their old mistakes and she was fast slipping into the familiar routine of half-truths and avoidance of confrontation.
"We've been together every waking moment for the last four weeks, Castle. I've spent a grand total of about thirty minutes at my place. Enough time to water the plants and move more of my stuff over here. I don't see that as shutting you out. All I want is a day to get my bearings. Can't you give me that?"
"I'd give you anything, Kate. I just…"
His voice softened and she heard the truth in his words. He would. Even if it pained him, he would give her the world and more. She cut him off with a soft hand to his bicep.
"Then give me this. Give me a day or two."
His eyes closed and he let out a long breath.
"Okay." It definitely pained him to give her this.
"Rick, I love you."
"I know you do. Me too"
"So, we're good?"
He cupped her face in his hands and laid a soft kiss to her forehead. "We're good. Just… be safe… okay?"
Suddenly his constant presence at her side made a lot more sense. He'd passed doting and neared on hovering during the past month; it was more than his usual puppy without a master routine. His, somewhat confusing, lack of wanting to go out and flaunt their new relationship status to the world became a little more logical.
"I'll call you as soon as I get home." It felt odd calling it that, she realized. How had the loft so quickly become home? This was why she needed to separate. The solitary creature she had once been had all but vanished and she had trouble with the feeling of being needy.
"I'll still worry."
"I like that you'll worry about me." It popped out before she could stop it. But it was the truth; she really did. She felt a grin break out across her face, felt it all the way to the corners of her eyes and he must have seen the truth in her words because an equally bright smile was reflected toward her.
"Quick! Go now! Before the real Kate Beckett shows up!"
He shuffled her towards the door and thrust her bag into her hands.
"Ass!" she yelled as she struggled to stay upright, his arms around her waist and her feet dragging softly across the hardwood floor.
"You love my ass."
"Smug bastard."
"I love you too, Kate."
He spun her around, kissed her soundly and thrust her out the door. As she turned to kiss him back, the door slammed in her face.
Irritating ass.
She had called as promised though. She had watered the plants and cleaned out her fridge. She had taken a bath, checked her emails, paid her bills and tried reading a book. She had missed him. She had let her fingers hover over his name in her contact list more times than she could count. She had chided herself and decided a trip to the grocery store was in order. If she was going to reclaim some of her independence she needed to make an effort to get her life back to some semblance of normal.
Normal was waking up in his arms and kissing his adorable lips. Normal was a family dinner with Martha and Alexis. Glancing at the still empty shopping basket, Kate realized she had a new normal. Rick's fridge was well stocked. It lacked nothing but her monthly fix of Rocky Road. That, she needed. It had been three weeks since her last cycle. A chagrined and grudging acceptance overcame her. She would never admit it to him but it was possible she may have over-reacted and that hormones may have played a part in her panic and somewhat rash decision to need space. Abruptly, she realized that she didn't need to pull back from this relationship. He wouldn't be accepting job offers from a different city and he wouldn't be flying off to Haiti or Africa in a show of altruism. He knew her deepest fears and relentlessly pursued her anyway. He knew the darkest parts of her mind and had no issues confronting her with them head on. Burke's voice echoed in her mind.
"What do you think you should do, Kate?"
Her unconscious migration towards the loft, ending up at his grocery store instead of hers, told her more than hours consciously going over the pros and cons of life with Richard Castle. She glanced around, for the first time noticing her surroundings. Feminine hygiene and birth control options. Pregnancy tests. She smiled at the thought of someday buying one of those and not being petrified of the results. She was going to marry that man. She was going to pee on a stick, squeal like a girl and think of some cheesy way of showing him the results. She was going to make babies with Rick and she was being ridiculous if she thought a day or two of separation was going to change that. She had watched her life flash before her eyes but it wasn't the past that she saw. It was her future. Her future with him. This was her grocery store now. And if their first weeks as a couple and the somewhat less-than-careful sexual practices hadn't resulted in any surprises, she would be needing a box of tampons within days. She smiled and pulled a box off the shelf, smiling at the image on the front. Someday.
"Kate?"
The box fell from her hands and landed with a thud at her feet.
"Shit! Castle, you scared me."
"The feelings mutual." He smirked, eyeing the pink box.
"This is not what it looks like."
"Oh? It looked like my girlfriend was smiling fondly at a pregnancy test. Should I break out the bubbly?"
She picked up the box and placed it back on the shelf.
"I thought you were scared?"
"It's an ingrained male reaction. Pure instinct. Having a baby with you… Kate, I assure you, it would make me the luckiest man in the world."
"I was just thinking…" she replied huskily, picking up the box she actually needed and plopping it in his basket. She made her way down the aisle and set her basket on top of a stack, surreptitiously swiping at her moist eyes in the process.
Oh god, she was going to cry. She was going to cry on aisle five of their market because her partner was the sweetest man in the world. When did she become such a girl?
"I was having a moment of what if and someday," she said, turning back toward him. His eyes were soft and focused on her face.
"I'm having a moment of adoration."
He shifted his glance to the blue box, a knowing and irritating grin snaked across his face. "So… this morning…? Rocky Road next on the agenda?"
Trust Rick to know exactly when to go with sweet and when to break the moment with playful ribbing. When to irritate her so she could get her emotions in check. They were in public after all.
"I can't believe you would even go there."
"Hello, my name is Rick Castle. Have we met?"
"Fine, I can believe it. Wait! How did you know about the Rocky Road?"
"I snooped in your freezer, while you were in the bathroom. After you blamed me for the plants being wilted that first day I came over." He raised his eyebrows in mock offense. "Confirmed it, when we were confined to steamy shower sex for the next four days. Not that I'm complaining, I love steamy, shower sex."
"Shut up."
"Shutting up."
He did. But his eyes were sparkling and his lips were quivering in his attempt to hide a cocky grin.
"Smug bastard."
"You're going to have to think of a more endearing moniker, Miss Beckett. People will begin to think you don't like me. That's twice today."
She laughed. Even with painful cramps beginning to tighten in her abdomen and the beginnings of a fierce headache, she didn't want to be rid of him. She did like him; loved him. This man made her life better. In large ways and in small, simple ways like this. Knowing when to lighten the mood was his specialty. She'd need all the help she could get with that until the bastard that shot her was caught. Until the man who ordered it was served justice. And he would help her with that too. She realized in that moment that she knew the answer to both her questions.
She squeezed his hand to reassure him as they made their way down the aisle.
In the four years that he had doggedly been tearing at her walls he had slowly and fundamentally changed her. She no longer felt the blinding need to catch the bastard and bring her mother justice. She no longer felt like it was the only thing that would fix her. He had made her take notice of the justice she brought to others, and to the healing and rewarding joy of it all. Until he had waltzed into the precinct with his cocky smile and light-hearted banter she had failed to notice, being too wrapped up in her grief and her quest for vengeance. She was a cop. But more than that, she was a good cop and he had made her realize it. It was the reason she had flung her badge at Gates. She had broken the rules but she would never dishonor the badge. She wanted it back. And she wanted him with her.
"Shit!"
His eyes widened at her sudden outburst and he stopped, turning to face her. "Not any better as far as nicknames go, 'Babe'," he grinned but quickly sobered as he saw the seriousness of her exclamation. "What?"
"I'm a cop Castle."
"Oh-kay…"
He was looking at her as if she had sprung a second head. She had forgotten for a moment that he didn't actually have a direct connection into her mind. Just an eerily fine-tuned sense of her moods and what she needed. And right now she needed his help to get her job back.
"You're gonna need to write for me, Castle."
"Not exactly following… Nikki?"
She realized that she sounded entirely mad but she needed to get it out. All of it. Right now in aisle five of their grocery store.
"I love you. You love me. I'm moving in and I need you to write me a script."
"A script?"
He looked at her a little dumb-struck. She wasn't usually one to be so overt in her intentions. She needed to try and slow down. Explain to him slowly what her brain had suddenly purged onto her in one enormous moment of clarity. One thing at a time though. First her job. She needs to get it back and she needs him on her team.
"A script, a scene, an apology. Call it what you like, Castle. I need to get my job back and I am going to need to do some groveling. You may have noticed that apologies are not my strong point. So, I need you to do that for me. Write me up a list of scenarios and then coach me through spitting out the words. Make sure it gets you back in Gates' good graces too. I need you by my side to tell me if I ever look like I'm going to fall into the rabbit hole. Hell, I want you to smack me if I even sneak a peek over the edge."
Okay, that was fairly clear. He could fill in the gaps. Her mind was still racing, urging her to get out the rest. The part that both terrified her and filled her heart with joy. The best part.
"Kate…"
"Wait, I'm almost done."
He nodded, a slightly bewildered look on his face. No doubt wondering if she'd finally cracked.
"Also, I need you. As my partner. Forever. In every way."
Short, simple. No way could he misconstrue that. She felt the breath deflate out of her lungs as the weight she'd been carrying on her shoulders since her most recent upheaval, lifted.
"'Kay, I'm done. Love you."
A huge smile lit up his face. "Well welcome back, Detective Beckett."
He pulled her into a fierce hug, dropping his basket on the floor, neither of them caring that a gallon of milk was pooling at their feet. She had suspected that he hoped she'd go back to the force.
"Best proposal ever," he whispered into her ear.
She hadn't expected that. She pulled back in surprise, and chuffed out a laugh as she realized she had pretty much informed him that he was stuck with her forever.
"I'll plead insanity if anyone asks."
"The hormones," he agreed sagely.
"Smug bastard."
"Third times the charm."
"Shut up."
"Marry me."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Do I have to propose again?"
"I'd prefer to wait until you have a giant diamond to adorn my finger."
"You're the loaded mystery writer, you buy me the ring."
"One carat, princess cut, platinum setting, vintage style."
"How did you..?"
"Snooped in your history while you were taking a shower."
"That's creepy."
"You love me anyway."
"I do."
Their eyes locked and all the playfulness left the moment, warmth seeped into her belly, and tears welled, threatened to spill onto her cheeks.
"We're really gonna do this?"
"We really are," he said, his voice filled with awe and love. He cupped her face between his palms, nuzzled her nose and sweetly kissed her. He traced his tongue along her lips. Soft, urgent, needy. She pulled his lower lip between her teeth and she felt him smile against her.
"Take me home, Rick."
So he took her hand and he did. Past a crowd that seemed to have gathered to watch her outburst and subsequent moment of passion. They passed inquisitive glances and knowing smirks. As they exited the store, she heard a voice crackling over the intercom.
"Clean-up on Aisle Five."
God, they'd need to find a new grocery store.
This is what happens when I am menstruating and I get the prompt of "I think the grocery shopping genre of fan fic in Castle in highly under-served." Thanks Avi, you're the greatest. It might not be much, but it broke the block.
Just because it's a one-shot (and you don't have to barter for updates) doesn't mean I don't still crave reviews. ;)