Heart Attack
So I'm putting my defenses up, cause I don't wanna fall in love, if I ever did that, I think I'd have a Heart Attack…
"I wanna take this time to really thank you guys for everything that you've suck by me through. And not only have a lot of fans out here, but there are so many of you that are my friends, I don't even consider you fans because of how much you've stuck by my side throughout everything that I've been through and um every time I perform, I perform onstage with a purpose, and that purpose is to reach out to somebody that struggled with the same issues that I struggled with. Whether that's an eating disorder, cutting, drugs and alcohol. Whatever it is, I'm living proof today that you can get through it. And you can sing on stage and play music for so many people. But most importantly, that you can make it out alive, and you deserve happiness and that life is worth it."
~Demi~
What the hell was I thinking? That speech was so unrehearsed so spontaneous, but most of all, a Lie. How can I be the role model they really need when I'm secretly opening my skin every time I get the chance? My 'One Year Sober' should be happening in a couple weeks. I've been lying to my friends and family for almost a year. 'Yeah, im fine. X Factor wont put pressure.' BULLSHIT! That's all my words are now. That's all I am now. I feel so… ashamed..
Demi continued to rage on at her apartment till all went black.
~Demi~
*Wakes up* "What the fuck? Why am I in my backyard? What happened last night?"
FLASHBACK
"YOUR HOPELESS DEMI, HOPELESS! TRY SHOWING YOUR NEW SCARS AND SEE WHO IS STILL BY YOUR SIDE!" The voices in my head became louder. Then shouting. I touched my ears to make sure they weren't running with blood, which wouldn't have bothered me. Suddenly the voices were screaming bloody murder, using every damn cell in my lungs to scorch these ideas on to my brain stem. "GO TO THE BATHROOM, NOW!" I ignored for as long as I could. I felt as if I was being dragged to this hell-on-earth. I fell to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. I suddenly wished that I had removed my make-up prior. I could feel the mascara running down my neck, sticking to it as if an industrial adhesive. My lips were now stained black in patterns of thin, uneven streaks. My throat began to burn, as a fire in the depths of hell. It used to burn frequently when I first began purging. Why is it burning now? I don't even have the toilet seat up yet. I heard the slam of the fine porcelain lid smack the back of the latrine. I had one hand hold my hair back as if it were in a sloppy pony. The other one was inching its way to my mouth. I stopped for a brief second to think of Maddie, what would she think if she saw me? It was too late. My dinner was already out of my system. I thought of how much it hurt, to get rid of it all. How it hurt to know I was lying to everybody: Dallas, Mom, Dad, My Friends, My Lovatics oh God would they understand? Most importantly, Madison. I don't want her to think this behavior is acceptable. I put my forehead against the sleek white ceramic rim, breathing heavily. I felt like I just ran a marathon. Hopefully lost enough weight as if I did. I stood up to go to my vanity. I wiped my face and washed my hand. My eyes were caught by movement. I looked in its direction, just a mirror. It was me. I sat there, in my plaid shirt from the GYHAB music video, and some navy blue sweats. I looked intensely. I was repulsive. How could I look like this, do things like that, and still have people who care? Impossible. Nobody cares, nobody. Suddenly I recalled a whisper. Voices. "You piece of shit, bet you couldn't inspire a star to shine. You know what you have to do, don't make us say it D, JUST DO IT." I couldn't. not tonight, I have an interview in Singapore, I won't heal by then. "DO IT YOU LITTLE BITCH, CANT BE SKINNY, CANT BE BEAUTIFUL, CANT EVEN PUT A SMALL ASS RAZOR TO YOUR SKIN! WHAT A FREAKING PUSSY YOU ARE! YOUR TOO WEAK, ONLY THE STRONG CAN DEAL WITH THAT SORT OF PAIN! WHAT ARE YOU? A DAMN SINGER.. EXACTLY!" I looked down, and I saw the ink on my arm. Stay Strong . I am Strong.