Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or the song 'I never told you' By Colbie Caillat
"He has shocked the fashion world with his creations that were seen here on the runway at fashion week. There's a steady buzz going around that he is the next great designer. He stopped by our studio earlier this week to show off some of his pieces…"
The room went abruptly quiet as the television screen turned blank. Blaine inhaled deeply as he relaxed against the back of the sofa. The clock on the side table continued to tick as he steadied his breathing. He was not going to give into these feelings. He was not going to be weak. Closing his eyes and pulling the green fleece blanket around his legs, Blaine listened to the silence that surrounded him. He could hear the far away sounds of traffic and the hustle and bustle of New York City. Somewhere in his apartment building, a baby was crying. He could hear a woman speaking fluent Spanish in the apartment above him. All the sounds that would usually comfort him, just made him more restless. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes.
"I love you."
Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat and placed the coffee cup he was currently holding on the table. Inhaling deeply, he reached across the table and ran a gentle hand down the boy's cheek.
"Moi aussi, je t'aime." He whispered back.
Blaine pulled himself out of his short reverie and wasn't surprised to feel moisture soaking through his shirt. Hastily wiping away the tears, he threw the blanket off of him and made his way over to the front window looking out toward the city streets. It was starting to drizzle and the sky above darkened to a familiar gray blue that made Blaine's stomach tighten in a knot.
"Blaine?"
"Hmmm."
"Is it always going to be like this?"
Blaine opened his eyes and admired the pale blue color that illuminated them courtesy of the moon.
Through the darkness he could feel the heat of Kurt's skin pressed close to his. Tightening his arm around his boyfriends' waist, Blaine leaned over and kissed the underside of his jaw before trailing a few soft kisses toward his collar bone.
Without hesitation Blaine answered him honestly before pressing a searing kiss to Kurt's lips.
"Of course."
It was inevitable. Today was going to be a day where the memories chased and haunted him mercilessly and there was nothing that could distract him. Blaine sank to the floor clutching a piece of paper that has seen better days. It was torn in places and the ink was faded from folding it over and over so many times. Blaine opened the letter, as the hot tears fell from his eyes and landed on the page in big drops. He could see Kurt's lovely scrawl through his watery vision. This letter changed his life five years ago and at one point he thought it was going to be for the best.
"Kurt, over here. We have something for you."
Blaine sipped his wine and watched Kurt get sucked in the middle of his former glee club, the New Directions. He felt someone bump his shoulder lightly and turned his head to see Burt. He smiled at his boyfriend's father and raised his glass to him. Burt nodded and took a swig of his beer.
"I'm really proud of Kurt."
"Me too. He's worked extremely hard these last two years. He sacrificed a lot."
Burt looked over at Blaine and could see that his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Burt really admired Kurt's audacity and strength he put into his first two years at college. He could also see the strain it caused in his son's relationship but they seemed to be okay now.
"Did Kurt tell you he got accepted for his internship?" Blaine finished off his wine in one gulp and motioned to the waiter for a refill.
"No. He hasn't said anything yet."
"I guess he's waiting to tell everyone tonight then."
After dinner, the group of friends and family sat around the table catching up on stories of college life and other happenings that were going on. Blaine watched Kurt stand up gracefully and clink his fork against his glass.
"Excuse me everyone, if I could just have your attention for a moment."
The group settled down and gave Kurt their undivided attention.
"Okay. So as you all know I applied to NYU's internship program and I got accepted."
All at once everyone started talking and congratulating Kurt. He smiled brightly and even blew a few kisses to the girls.
"Thank you. I really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. There is more to the story though." He wiggled his fingers and laughed lightly as he waited for his friends to control their excitement. "The internship starts in just three weeks and…" Kurt suddenly avoided all eye contact with the right side of the table. "It's in London for six months."
The excited crowd began to congratulate Kurt again. Mercedes pulled him into a tight hug and Rachel rambled on about seeing a few shows in the West End theatre. Kurt was so caught up in the excitement that he didn't even notice when Blaine quickly got up from his seat and left, feeling rather nauseous like someone just knocked the wind out of him.
"Blaine, I don't think you understand the situation. You're not looking at this objectively."
"Really Kurt, because we're both going to be away from each other for almost six months. I don't know about you but I don't really like the idea. We've never been apart for that long and I don't want to do that."
Blaine watched Kurt move around the living room, picking up a few scarves and a discarded Marc Jacobs jacket that he left on the chair two days ago. It felt like he swallowed a brick and it was somehow lodged in his throat. Blaine just couldn't understand how Kurt could be so nonchalant about this. They were going to be apart for six long months. Kurt gently placed his things on the chair and moved over towards Blaine. He sat down and wrapped an arm tightly around his shoulder.
"I understand your fears Blaine. I get it but we'll be fine."
He didn't know it then, but that was the first time Kurt lied to him.
Blaine crushed the letter in his hands and threw it towards the door. He couldn't help himself really. He was still mourning the loss of the only man he's ever loved.
"Blaine, I don't know what's going on but when I spoke to Kurt this morning, he didn't even ask about you? Did you get into a fight?"
Blaine felt the cold rush of fear that trickled down his spine and didn't dare to lift his head up from the book he was pretending to read. He would not let Rachel see the tears that were threatening to fall. He hadn't spoken to Kurt in a few days. They fought like crazy and it made Blaine almost sick to think about the way they spoke to each other.
"Rach, babe just leave Blaine alone. He really doesn't need this right now. When Kurt gets home or maybe even sooner than that, they'll figure it out. They don't need you meddling in their business."
Rachel glared at Finn and huffed out a sigh of exasperation before picking up her book that was sitting on the table. Blaine smiled at the couple but couldn't help but feel the jealousy creeping in. This was how it was supposed to be with Kurt but he was over 3,000 miles away.
When Kurt moved to London for his internship, Blaine could really feel the difference Kurt's everyday presence made in his life. He had to wake up in the morning to a cold bed and go to sleep at night alone and lonely. Blaine depended on Kurt so much that he almost didn't know how to exist without him.
Blaine was sitting on the back steps when he heard it. Kurt's voice floated through the open window. Startled, he gathered his music sheets quickly and practically ran into the apartment. Blaine threw the scattered paper on the table but stopped short when Kurt walked into the kitchen. Blue eyes locked with brown and Blaine's resolve shattered. He ran towards Kurt and collided with him. He could feel Kurt surrounding him and just like that, the pieces that chipped away from him over the past 12 weeks started to take shape again. Inhaling deeply, Blaine rubbed his face in the crook of Kurt's neck. Kurt laughed nervously and used his arms to push Blaine away to arm's length.
"What? Did I do something wrong?"
Kurt dropped his hands from Blaine's shoulder and took two steps back, and watched the fear play into Blaine's expression.
"Blaine… I have to tell you something."
He swallowed hard, not really wanting to hear the words that were going to come out of Kurt's mouth but knowing there was nothing he could do to stop them.
"I came to gather the rest of my things."
Blaine shut his eyes tightly. This was not happening. This was not how they were supposed to end. Not like this. He could feel the tears burning behind his eyelids and clogging his throat but he was too distraught to even look at Kurt. He turned away and opened his eyes. They landed on the sheet music on the table. He crossed the room in three strides and shuffled through the papers until he found the one he wanted. Turning around but not quite meeting Kurt's eye, he walked over to him and handed the sheet to Kurt. Without waiting for a reaction, Blaine walked past Kurt into the living room and grabbed his keys, his old Dalton sweatshirt and his sunglasses and walked out the door. When Blaine returned home three hours later with a heavy heart and completely inebriated, half of their apartment was empty and he was alone.
Blaine stood up from the carpeted floor and quickly made his way to the bathroom. He just barely made it to the toilet before retching up the late lunch he had. Walking over to the sink, he splashed his face with ice cold water. After drying his face with a hand towel, Blaine looked at his reflection in the mirror. His once golden honey colored eyes looked dull and his skin was blotchy. He needed to get out of this mood that seemed to consume every fiber of his being. He walked back into the living room and veered toward the piano that sat against the far wall. He sat down on the bench and lifted up the cover. Lightly tapping a few keys, Blaine began to play the melody that still swirled through him all these years later. As he finished playing the introduction, he opened his mouth to sing the words that were meant for only one person to hear.
I miss those blue eyes
How you kissed me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want you
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to when I'm not
Around you
It's like I'm not with me
But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in
And now I miss everything
About you
I can't believe I still want
You
After all the things we've
Been through
I miss everything about you
Without you
He played a few more notes of the song before letting the notes fade out to silence. Sighing once again, Blaine got up from the bench and closed the lid to the piano. He felt better after singing the song. He glanced outside and he realized he spent the whole day living in the past. Walking closer to the window, he watched a few of the cars wiz by his street heading in every direction to get somewhere. As Blaine was turning away from the window, he heard a soft knock at his door. Gazing at his watch, he thought it was strange that anyone would be knocking on his door this time of night. Getting to the door in three easy strides, he opened it without looking through the peephole. His eyes widened slightly and his breath caught in his throat. He could not believe his own eyes.
"Kurt?" Blaine said in a strangled whisper.
Kurt smiled softly at the man standing in front of him. Without saying a word, he reached into his bag and retrieved an envelope. Pulling out two pieces of paper and unfolding them carefully, Kurt handed one to Blaine. Blaine took the paper and scanned the contents on the page. Immediately he felt like the wind was sucked out of him. His hand trembled slightly and he looked up into Kurt's piercing blue eyes.
"Where did you get this? How did you get this?"
Kurt smiled again a little brighter this time. "My idiot of a brother and his crazy petite wife took it upon themselves to send me this last week. I'm guessing they knew I'd receive it in the mail right before I left for New York."
Blaine looked down at the sheet in shock before looking at Kurt again. Something suddenly clicked in his mind and he realized where this song went when he was looking for it a few weeks ago. He thought he just misplaced it and unbeknownst to himself, his sneaky, conniving friends stole it, copied it and sent it to Kurt. They sent Kurt the song he wrote for him.
"Kurt, I didn't-"
Kurt silenced him quickly, pressing his finger to Blaine's lips.
"I don't want you to say anything." Kurt looked around and noticed a lady across the street was peering at them through the window. "Can we go inside please? I don't want an audience while we speak."
"Okay."
Blaine stepped aside and let Kurt in the apartment. Being here in this apartment with Kurt was pretty surreal. His ex was dressed head to toe in designer labels, which didn't surprise Blaine one bit. His hair was perfectly styled and he smelled like something familiar but Blaine couldn't place the name or smell. He watched Kurt sit on his sofa, well their sofa that they picked out years ago. He instantly felt like he was transported to the past and everything in the universe was aligned. He moved across the room and sat in the recliner diagonal from him.
"Do you want anything to drink?"
Kurt shook his head and smiled a little bit before gazing at the apartment around him. Blaine changed very little over the years and that kind of surprised Kurt. The note that Finn and Rachel sent concerned him to no end. Rachel described Blaine's mood as the worst case of melancholia she has seen. He had to see Blaine for himself.
Blaine was staring at Kurt so intently his eyes started to burn. Kurt wasn't really paying any attention to him. He was looking around at the apartment and suddenly Blaine felt really insecure. He felt his stomach clench when he saw the sad expression that played across Kurt's face when he turned toward him.
"Blaine, I'm really worried about you. I know we haven't talked in some time but I do care about you and your well-being."
Blaine tensed up and sat rigid against the chair. He felt so uncomfortable in his own skin right now. Here was the man he was so desperately in love with sitting in front of him and he didn't know what to do.
"I'm here to talk to you Blaine. I think that we need to talk about what happened five years ago. Why we fell apart. Why we ended like we did."
Blaine swallowed hard and wrapped his arms around his waist, holding himself together so he won't fall apart. He nodded his head for Kurt to begin, not really trusting his voice.
"When I left for London, our relationship was a little rocky. We fought a lot the last two weeks and I was actually relieved when we parted. After a few days, I started to feel guilty about how we left things but I was so engrossed in my internship and so overwhelmed with moving to a new country, and meeting so many people that I didn't really have time to talk to you about it. A week went by and we finally did talk and you were so quiet until I asked you how your writing was going along. I can't remember exactly what you said but it was something along the lines that if I was still here then I would know all about the writing."
"I remember this Kurt. We don't really need to relive it."
Kurt inhaled sharply. He was trying to control his emotions but he wasn't as good as Blaine was.
"We need to go over it Blaine. Now I never told you this but about two weeks into the internship, I met someone."
"What?"
"His name was Julian. He swept me off my feet so quick that I didn't even have time to blink." Kurt could see the pained expression on Blaine's face. "I know you don't want to hear this Blaine but I need you to understand everything." He paused and took a deep breath. "So, as I was saying. The relationship didn't last too long and by the time I came back here mid-way through the internship, it was over. I felt so guilty Blaine that I couldn't bear the thought of seeing you. When I found you in our apartment that day and the way your face lit up like a child's on Christmas, I remembered all the reasons why I loved you and all the reasons why we could no longer be together." He paused again and stood up from the couch. He moved across the small space toward Blaine and stooped down to his level. "Blaine, I left you because of what I did. I ruined our relationship by going to London. I should have never taken the internship."
Blaine slid his hand from his rib cage and took Kurt's hand tentatively in his own.
"Kurt, I was so angry at you for taking it. I was so upset that you would just get up and walk out on me without even thinking of us, without even thinking of me. But honestly, as mad as I was at you for taking it, I'm glad you did. Look how successful you are Kurt."
"I thought at the time that success would be enough and for a while it was. I was selfish Blaine. I ruined the best thing in my life because I was a selfish, immature, boy."
Blaine didn't know what to say so instead he did something that startled both of them. He pulled Kurt toward him and hugged him tightly against his chest. He could feel the awkward tension between them drift away as each second ticked by. They stood there like that for what seemed like hours until Kurt started to pull away.
"Blaine, I want to talk to you about your song."
"What about it?"
"I want to know why you haven't given this song to your label. It's amazing."
"Rachel told you that? I can't believe her."
"I'm not surprised at all. Do you know how many times she let things slip between those greasy lips of hers? She can't hold a secret to save her life."
They shared a smile before Kurt pulled out the envelope again.
"This is for you." He passed Blaine the second letter.
Blaine unfolded the piece of paper and scanned the writing quickly. He looked up at Kurt with a pained expression.
"Kurt, why would Rachel do this?"
"She wants you to be happy and I agree with her. This song deserves to be heard."
"But she went behind my back and did it. I can't believe her." Blaine stood up and started pacing the floor.
"Blaine…"
Kurt walked over to Blaine and placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him mid stride. Blaine turned on him so fast it startled Kurt.
"I made her send the tape in Blaine."
"What?"
"She sent me a copy of the song." Before Blaine could ask him anything Kurt motioned for him to stop. "She told me that you wrote this beautiful song and you played it once for her a few years ago. I don't know exactly how she recorded it but she's sneaky and resourceful so it doesn't surprise me much. She sent me a copy about a week and a half ago and according to the letter you're still holding, she sent it to your producer as well."
Blaine really couldn't believe that Kurt heard his song, the one song that meant everything to him.
Kurt took a step closer invading Blaine's personal space and cupped his hand under his chin.
"Can I ask you a question and I know you'll be honest with me but do you still feel the same way as the lyrics in that song said you did long ago?"
Blaine closed his eyes slowly and inhaled Kurt's scent once again. It really was intoxicating. He opened them again and gazed into Kurt's cerulean eyes.
"Kurt…" He wanted to turn away. He didn't want to be so humiliated.
"Blaine, please just answer me. I want to know if you still love me."
"Fine, if you want me to say it I will. I still love you Kurt. I always will. Is that what you want to hear?"
Kurt took another step closer and that's when Blaine could feel Kurt's fingers trembling against his cheek. They were so close their chests were just touching. Kurt snaked an arm around Blaine's waist and pulled him close.
"Kurt-"
He felt Kurt kiss his jaw first; a soft whisper against his skin. He stood frozen as Kurt fluttered another kiss right below his ear. He could feel his warm breath against his skin. He wanted to pull back but he was too scared to break whatever spell Kurt was under. Blaine felt Kurt's fingers tangle into his hair at the base of his neck.
Kurt pulled away slightly and looked into Blaine's eyes. "I'm sorry Blaine. For hurting you. For not being the person I was supposed to be. I let you down and it took me so long to realize. When I heard your song, it took me a few hours to stop crying. I realized that the song lyrics could be reversed and fit me just as well as it does you."
"It's okay Kurt."
"No, Blaine. It's not okay. You're not okay and neither am I. I could have ended this farce a long time ago but I was stubborn and stupid. Blaine….I'm still in love with you." Kurt finished in an almost whisper.
Blaine felt his heart skip a beat and there was a weird pounding sensation in his head. He licked his lips before he spoke.
"You are?"
"Yes. I don't think I ever stopped."
Blaine pulled Kurt towards him, crushing his body against him. In one swift motion, he leaned over and kissed him soundly. Kurt clutched at his hair, grabbing fistfuls in his perfectly manicured hands. Blaine was shocked that Kurt responded so immediately. His mouth was as soft as he remembered and he couldn't help himself when a low moan came from the back of his throat. Kurt took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. After a few minutes of kissing and some wandering hands, Blaine pulled back for air. Panting heavy and feeling a bit light headed, Blaine watched Kurt straighten his jacket and brush a hand through his hair. Feeling Blaine's eyes on him, he looked up at him and smiled brightly. They agreed silently to move over to the couch. Blaine sat down first and Kurt sat right next to him, wrapping his hand in his.
"So where do we go from here Kurt?" Blaine blurted out after a few minutes of comfortable silence. "You come into my life again and tell me you love me, and then kiss me like that. I need to know where we stand."
"I was hoping you would let me move back in."
Blaine turned his head in shock. "What?"
"Well, I kind of moved out of my house in London and I need a place to stay until I can find something bigger for me and my boyfriend." Kurt winked at Blaine and his heart swelled.
"That shouldn't be a problem." Blaine brought Kurt's hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles softly still in awe and not quite believing that this was real. Blaine wrapped his arm around Kurt and pulled him in closer.
"Do you want to tell Rachel or should I?"
Blaine chuckled loudly and Kurt loved the sensation of both hearing and feeling the rumblings coming from his chest.
"Kurt, how bout we let her figure it out on her own? Right now, I just want to hold you and never let you go."
Blaine leaned over and kissed Kurt again quickly before his boyfriend could say another word.