TOW the Embarrassing Video Tape
Summary: Erica and Jack find a certain tape of their mother.
A/N: In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, remember "TOW they All Turn Thirty"? During the scene with Monica's birthday, they show Jack taping Monica's speech.
"But Mom –"
"But nothing, mister!" Monica interrupted, putting a hand on her hip. "No son of mine is going to a party where there's alcohol and no parents."
16-year-old Jack gaped at her. "How did…" Realizing how, he muttered under his breath. "She is so dead!"
"If you try to do anything to your sister," Monica warned, "You're the one who's going to be in pain."
Jack decided it was best not to argue that one. Unlike most mothers he knew, his mom could kick ass with the best of them. He then decided to use another tactic. "Dad, please…"
"Hate to tell you this, son, but the whole 'she says no, I say yes' thing only works when she's not in the room," Chandler quipped.
Jack suppressed the urge to roll his eyes (something his mother was forever yelling at him for). I do not need Dad's sarcasm right now, he thought. "It's not fair! Emma's going!"
"And she's eighteen. You're not," Monica countered. "Although, I don't know what Rachel was thinking when she said yes."
"Stick to the point, Mon," Chandler muttered. His wife had a habit of ranting at times like these.
"Right. Jack, forget about it. You're not going." Monica softened her tone as she suggested, "You could always go to Phoebe and Mike's anniversary party on Saturday night instead. They'd love to have you."
"No thanks," Jack retorted, carefully keeping the anger out of his voice. The last thing he wanted to do was party with a bunch of old people when he could've been out with his friends.
"We're not that old, you know. It could be fun," Monica snapped.
Jack stared at her. Even his father raised an eyebrow. They both had a running joke that his mother could read minds. Sometimes, though, she was so accurate that it was more scary than funny. "Okay, you have to stop doing that."
"Doing what? Monica asked, then shook her head. "look, I know you'd rather be with your friends, but if it makes you feel any better, Joey's coming back tomorrow for the party."
That got Jack to perk up a little. Joey was his favorite unofficial uncle. Jack had to admit he missed Uncle Joey, who'd been in California for a few months working on a movie. He couldn't wait to see his aunt Alex and their ten-year-old son. "Maybe I'll check it out. Wait…aren't you going?"
"Yes, but we'd check in every half hour. And none of that 'he's in the shower' crap you tried to pull last time," Chandler advised. "If we don't hear your voice, we're coming home, and remember we're only down the street."
Jack frowned, wishing his aunt and uncle hadn't bought a house in the neighborhood once they had twin girls. "Fine," he mumbled, heading up the stairs, stalling a little when his parents started talking amongst themselves.
"Remember when we were that age?" Chandler sighed.
"I remember I spend the whole year trying to lose weight after somebody called me fat."
Jack chuckled at his mother's retort, then paused when he passed his sister's open doorway. He barged in. "Did you need to fulfill your pain in the ass requirement for this week, or was it something I said?"
Knowing exactly what he was talking about, as was common among twins, Erica tossed her long, blonde curly hair over her shoulder and glared at him. "The latter. I seem to recall somebody telling Dad that I flunked a math test right before my friend's sweet sixteen."
Jack paused. "Call it even?"
"Okay!" Erica agreed, then got a black, rectangular object out of her closet. It was an old video tape, marked "Monica's 30th" on the side. "Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I found this in the garage the other day. I think it's one of those tape things they used before DVDs."
Jack took it. "It says it's from Mom's 30th birthday. So?"
"Don't you want to watch it?" Erica asked.
"Why would I?" Jack huffed. "It's probably nothing interesting."
Erica's blue green eyes widened. "You've got to be kidding me. Didn't you hear the stories of what Dad, Uncle Joey, Aunt Phoebe, Uncle Ross, and Aunt Rachel did on their 30th birthdays? Haven't you ever wondered why we never heard about Mom's?"
"Yeah, but where would we watch it? We don't have a video tape player, or whatever it's called," Jack reminded her, but his own blue eyes betrayed his curiosity.
Erica thought for a second, then snapped her fingers. "Yes we do! There's one in the attic, in that back closet! I think it still works; come on!"
A half hour later, they had located the VCR and somehow managed to connect it to the TV in the finished attic. Settling on the couch next to her brother, Erica pressed the "Play" button on the remote they found. "This ought to be good."
"I don't know about this, Erica. I've already been scarred for life once…by a video tape, anyway," Jack admitted. They both remembered, vividly, the time Emma had found a certain tape of her mother and father.
Erica paused the tape. "You…you don't think this is anything like that, do you?"
"Well, it can't be us being conceived," Jack reasoned. Both he and Erica had been told they were adopted at an early age. "And nothing's scarier than watching your own conception."
"You have a point," Erica conceded, then with some reluctance pressed "Play."
Both Erica and Jack breathed a sigh of relief. It was a formal party. Everyone was dressed up, and the two couldn't help but laugh at their Grandpa Geller's old suit. Other than that, however, it wasn't too exciting. "Okay, we saw it," Jack whined. "Can we watch something else?"
Erica shushed him. "We have to at least wait until Mom gets there. We haven't seen her yet, so I think it's a surprise party."
A few minutes passed, with Uncle Chandler and Uncle Ross asking guests for birthday messages. The twins snickered when Aunt Phoebe sang "Happy Birthday" to the camera, clearly hammered already. "All right, not it's a little interesting," Jack snickered.
The scene continued, then finally Uncle Chandler whispered as loud as he could, "Okay! Okay! Everybody down! Everybody down!"
Those gathered hid, and Aunt Rachel turned off the lights. Recovering from their sudden giggle fit after their Grandpa ripped his pants, Jack and Erica became confused when their mother didn't come through the door. "Maybe the lock's broken?" Erica suggested.
"I don't think so…" Jack waited, watching as his father guided his mother in, and she overreacted to her surprise. That might have been because she really didn't know about the party, but then she stumbled across the floor. A wide grin spread across Jack's face. "This is great!"
Erica wrinkled her brow. "What?"
Jack's smile grew so wide it threatened to cut his face in half. "Mom's wasted!"
"Oh my God!" Erica exclaimed. "No way! Mom doesn't get drunk."
"Apparently she doesn't. She gets piss drunk!" Jack retorted in pure delight.
"Oh my God!" Erica repeated. Her eyes nearly bulged out of her head as her mother fell into her father's arms…twice in five minutes. "Oh my God, she is! This is so awesome!"
The screen blacked out for a few seconds, then the shot wobbled as Grandpa Geller struggled with the camera. The twins caught Aunt Phoebe say to their dad, "Don't you see? Everyone's looking at me! The plan's working! I didn't even have to take off my top yet!"
"Oh, God I hope she doesn't," Erica remarked.
Everyone was demanding that their mom make a speech. Finally, she managed to stand, but only with their dad's help.
Getting the camera steady, their grandfather called out, "Hey Chandler, you can't keep your hands off her for one second!"
"Oh, I think it's nice," their grandmother put in.
"I think it's necessary," Chandler quipped, but backed away.
"I-I-I wanna thank you all for coming. My family and my friends…" Their mother began, and Aunt Phoebe let out a "Woo-hoo" in the background. Ignoring her, their mom continued, "I really like to say that I'm-um… Y'know what I'd really like to say? I'm drunk! That's right mom and dad your little Harmonica is hammered And guess what! I've been drunk before! And I've smoked a cigarette! And I got a box of Ding-Dongs hidden in my underwear drawer! It's all okay. It's okay because I turned thirty today. And, and I can do anything I want! Because I am a grown up."
She then fell, landing with a thump on the floor. The twins could only stare in total shock as their Aunt Phoebe told Uncle Joey to take her top off, and he eagerly complied. Thankfully, the tape blacked out before he could get very far.
Turning off the tape, Erica marveled, "Well, there's something I never knew about Mom."
"Yeah," Jack agreed, unable to contain his laughter. "We know she keeps Ding-Dongs in her underwear drawer."