There they were, the words that shattered your heart glowing in deep fuchsia on your computer screen. How could this happen? You thought she was happy with you. Why didn't she tell you before? You could have worked it out. You could have stopped being such an ass. You know you could have. You would do anything for her. But she didn't tell you. She just ended it. The words burned your eyes from the shock and pain. Or maybe that was the violet tears pouring from your eyes.

It's over Eridan.

You looked down and away from your computer screen. You bit into your lip. No. Stop crying. Stop fucking crying. You will not be pathetic. Not now. Even though you begged yourself not to, more tears leaked from your eyes and disappeared in the water surrounding you. Your fists balled up tight as you began to shake in pure anger. You shot to your feet and grabbed the monitor in one hand, swinging around and pitching it against the wall across the room.

Despite how you had imagined it, it simply bounced off and floated around in the ocean water, though it did leave a noticeable dent in the wall. It just infuriated you more though. Grabbing your desk, you flipped it, causing your belongings and keyboard to scatter in the water. You kicked and scratched anything you could wrap your clawed fingers around.

Panting, you collapsed to the ground. Your room was completely trashed, clothes shredded and valuable treasures smashed. Through your heavy breathing, you let out labored sobs that echoed in the silence of your respite block. You flinched as you heard your lusus neighing and banging on your bedroom door. You shouted for him to piss off, that weren't in the mood for his bullshit

. This must have really ticked him off pretty bad because he broke down the fucking door. Before you could receive the throttling of your life, you darted out your window and swam higher into the layers of the ocean above your home, away from your lusus's whinnies of anger.

Moving your legs and arms quickly, you swam higher and higher until you couldn't even see your home anymore. But it wasn't high enough. You pushed yourself further. Soon enough, you saw the surface. Propelling yourself, you shot out of the water and high into the air. You let out a muffled sound of pain as you landed in the wet sand, sprawled out on your violet cape.

With your limbs and heart aching, you just laid there and wallowed in your self-pity. The sun had long since set, so you had no worry of being burned by its deadly rays, though your body was growing hot on its own. You were so used to the cool ocean that the temperature change was quite uncomfortable. Bracing yourself up on your hands, you slowly moved to your feet. You practically ripped off your dark cape, the heavy fabric falling to the sand with a sot thump.

As you moved away from the water's edge, you removed more clothing. Next to go was your striped scarf, unwinding it from your neck and throwing it down. You were still uncomfortably hot so you grabbed the hem of your long sleeve shirt and pulled it over your head, tossing it aside as well. The violet gills on your ribs stung slightly in the sudden exposure to the air, making you flinch and sigh.

You flopped back on your butt in the sand, kicking off your shoes and peeling off your damp socks. They were also thrown aside to be lost in the sand. You pulled your knees up to your chest and planted your elbows on top of them, your eyes resting on the dark waves that lapped at the shore. You began losing yourself in its constant rhythm, gusts of ocean breeze cooling you off further.

Your eyes slowly moved down from the waves, traveling along the sand until they were met with the sick sight of your forearms. Light purple lines was scattered over your pale gray skin, perfectly straight scars that mocked you, even in the dim light of the moons.

You're so stupid.

How could you actually believe she ever gave a fuck about you?

She just felt bad for you.

No wonder she ended it.

No one wants you.

You'll never be perfect.

Never.

The tears were falling again, dripping onto the pale sand and staining it with your royal blood color. Gasping and trembling, you sobbed quietly into your palms. In a surge of sudden anger, you glared at your forearm and dragged your claws over it repeatedly, leaving swelling scratches and ragged violet marks. The new marks covered the offensive scars and hid their cruelly truthful words in the comforting color of your blood, making a small smile move to your lips.

There. All better. You wouldn't have to listen to them now. Just because you knew that you weren't wanted didn't mean you liked being reminded that it was true. Sighing, you ran your hands over your face and up into your hair, tangling and twirling in your dark locks. You didn't care that you probably looked like complete shit. Who did you have to impress anymore?

You removed your blood stained fingers from your hair, wiping your damp eyes with the side of your hand and sighing. Your eyes moved back up to watch the dark waters. They seemed to stare back at you with wise, hidden eyes. Sometimes, you wished that the ocean could speak, but only to you. It would love and cradle you, laugh and cry with you, and treat you like you did belong.

Wow. That was probably the most insane thing you had ever thought. Maybe the fresh air was getting you high or something. You almost chuckled at the thought. The small smile on your dark lips slowly faded back into a flat line as you stared at the water. You didn't want to go back. You were scared to face your raging lusus, to see your shredded room and to face reality at all.

Though you hated the thought, you knew deep in your think pan that you had to go back. Moving to your feet, you froze as a flash of white caught your eye. Shit. If there was a lusus out for revenge then you were royally fucked, having forgotten your weapon back in your room. If it even survived your tantrum. It was in fact a lusus, a goat-fish to be exact. And a big one. Lucky for you, it was a good distance down the beach from you. It slowly made its way to the shore, more of its moist white fur showing as it rose out of the water.

Your eyes following it as it moved into the shallows, you noticed that there was another presence on the beach, a male troll standing on the beach before the great goat-fish. Even in the dim light, you could plainly see the white and gray clown paint on his face and his unruly hair, curved horns sprouting from his skull. Running up to the creature, the great beast lowered its head so he could hug its muzzle, his arms barely reaching around half his lusus's head.

You stared at them in pure awe. You had never seen that before. You and your lusus were barely around each other, only to hunt and sometimes talk, but it was very rare. It seemed that only a few minute later, the lusus was leaving again, diving deep into the ocean. The young troll on the beach waved as his sole guardian left him alone, only stopping when his great white tail disappeared under the surface.

Right before your eyes, he dropped down on his knees and held his head in his hands. You blinked in shock. He was crying. No. He was sobbing. His face paint smeared from his hands wiping away heavy tears that ran down his eyes like a waterfall of indigo.

You felt bad for him. You understood his pain. You knew what it was like to cry alone, to be and feel alone. You wanted to hug him and comfort him, to tell this stranger that it would be okay. That things would get better. You took a few steps closer to him, but you stopped in mid stride.

You…You couldn't do it.

The fear of speaking to him shot through you like a shock of electricity. In a spring of the moment movement, you sprinted to the water's edge and dove in, only relaxing when you were completely submerged in the familiar feel of water surrounding you. You swam deeper and deeper down, taking your time as you made your way home. What seemed like hours later, you arrived back at your ship, slipping in through the front door.

You were immediately confronted by an upset seahorse, which snatched you up in his tail. You held up your arms in defense and squeezed your eyes shut, thinking you were going to be throttled for your behavior. But the pain never came. Instead, his scaly muzzle rubbed against your cheek. You blinked in shock. He had been so worried about you…

Emotion washed over you, causing you to throw your arms around your lusus and hug him tight. More of your violet tears leaked into the water surrounding you, blurring your vision as you sobbed loudly. You cried and cried until you finally grew silent in his grip. Thinking you had fallen asleep, he took you to your recuprocoon. Once you were enveloped in the slime, you fell into exhausted unconsciousness.

Things slowly went back to normal after weeks of silence on your end, except that you no longer spoke to Feferi , spare a few words when she would confront you, saying you were ignoring her for now reason. No reason? How about the fact that every day was a battle for you to even get out of your comfortable slime? Why should you? You are only confronted by the girl that had broken your heart almost every day.

You continued to hunt lusi for Feferi's lusus, delivering them in silence before leaving immediately. You hated being around her now. Her smile mocked your pain and her laughter stung your heart like the Alternian sun. You barely spoke except to your lusus and a few measly conversations on Trollian, never any with her.

One day, while out hunting, you were much closer to the shore than usual, lusi having become scarcer to find. Your weapon armed, you pointed and shot at the first flash of white that swept across your vision. You had never regretted an action so much in your life. It was the same goat-fish from the beach all that time ago. The shock of your weapon slammed him into a large reef, the beast settling there. You had pierced just above his right fin, deep indigo blood pooling into the ocean. He was still alive though, ragged breaths raising and lowering his chest. Your eyes were wide with horror.

You didn't know what to do. If you killed him here, out in the ocean, that troll would truly be alone and not know what happened. But the lusus was badly hurt. There was no way he would live. You dropped your gun to drift in the water as you jumped off your own lusus's back, swimming down to the goat-fish. You settled on the reef, a safe distance from him. His dark eyes glared daggers you, razor sharp teeth threatening to bite your head off.

Sucking in a breath, you drew close and over to his wound. You removed your scarf and pressed it into the wound to seal it in some way. He growled and snapped his mighty jaws at you, the seahorse above you neighing and growling at the violent indigo blood. You held a hand up to ward off your own lusus that you would be okay. You then settled yourself so you were looking directly in his eyes. They were the same deep indigo as his blood.

"Go to him. He's probably w-waiting for you"

A flash of confusion shot across his eyes before he took your words and with that, he left, his swimming having sped up as he headed for the shore. You swam for the surface as well, much slower though. When your head breached the surface, you scanned the beach for the beast. Soon enough, you spotted him.

On the sand, the young troll has hugging his dead lusus, sobbing and rubbing his face into his white fur. It stung your heart horribly, your own tears threatening to breach your eyes. You quickly ducked under the water once again, wiping your eyes and heading down to meet your own lusus.

You found out not long later that the same troll on the beach was one of your few friends, Gamzee Makara. You spoke to him every day after that, though you never told him your part in his lusus's death. He mourned with you when your own lusus died. When you finally met him on the meteor, you talked with him every second that he wasn't talking to Tavros or Karkat. You would be lying if you said you didn't have feelings for him. Red feelings to be precise , but you know he didn't feel the same. You knew that he loved Tavros with all his heart, and you understood.

A lot of things happened, things you regret. You killed the girl you loved and tried to kill Sollux as well. But once you saw the state that Gamzee was in, nothing else mattered. You wanted to help him, until Kanaya had her way with you. Now, you are a ghost in the dream bubbles. You have avoided everyone in your attempts to locate one person; you had to find Gamzee and apologize.

You will spend an eternity looking for him until the day you can finally tell the truth to him.