Loser Like Me
(Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own anything but my thoughts.)
Kurt was suffocating. He was in too deep and didn't know how to fix it. There were so many things wrong, but there was nothing he could do to change it. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to fix things to be honest. Being stressed and annoyed was just too much work, and he was sick and tired of it. He just didn't understand why when things seemed to be going all right in his life; something bad had to always take its place.
Living with anyone is hard, but living with a fiancé shouldn't be. Apparently Kurt and Blaine hadn't got that memo because things were horrible. Kurt hated thinking it, but they were horrible. If it wasn't something that he did that upset Blaine, it was something that Blaine did that upset him. It was exhausting.
Of course they didn't start off fighting and tearing into each other any chance they got. Throughout the beginning of the summer, the fiancés were living happily in their newly empty apartment. They were able to move around each other, compliment one another, and spend quality time together.
The thing was, Kurt was a very particular person. He had to have things done his way or no way at all, and Blaine didn't seem to catch the hint. As the first month ended and the second began, that's when the fighting started back up. It was like how they lived together before Rachel moved out all over again.
Intimacy was something that Kurt enjoyed but to a certain point. Blaine was the complete opposite. He was always touching Kurt, holding him, telling him how much he loved him. It was getting hard to breathe again, and Kurt just couldn't stand it. He went out of his way to avoid Blaine as a result. If Blaine noticed, he didn't let on. It was probably because the younger boy was too busy planning their wedding.
Kurt wanted to get married, he really did. Well... he didn't know anymore. He was having doubts every day about it. They were so young. There are millions of guys out there that neither of them know about, and what if they are jumping into this matrimony thing too quickly without actually living their lives? It was that doubt that creeped into his mind every night as he lay next to his fiancé.
He could only handle so much before he exploded, and he should have know it was going to happen sooner rather than later. Kurt didn't see anything but his doubts as he sat outside that café on that terrible day waiting for Blaine. As the time passed by and Blaine didn't come, he only got more upset. He knew that this was just something that couldn't be let go.
Blaine finally showed up, and he just snapped. Kurt exploded and did the stupidest thing he could have ever done: called things off with Blaine.
Life was always easy for Blaine Anderson. He didn't want to brag, but he got everything that he ever wanted. When he was younger, he always got dessert after diner because he had perfected his puppy dog eyes. He got the lead soloist of the Warblers, something that he dreamed about getting. He got the guy of his dreams after being a little bit oblivious for a little while. He got numerous solos and roles throughout high school with a blink of his eye. And finally he got his man back after months and months of pining, plus they got engaged which is a bonus. He was just blessed.
That was until everything started falling apart right before his eyes. No matter how much he tried to please his fiancé, Kurt was just never happy with him anymore. He was just trying so hard to please him. He took on the role of wedding planner to take a little weight off of Kurt's shoulders since he was busy working. It just didn't matter because Kurt was always short and lippy.
Blaine didn't think he would be saying anything wrong, but Kurt would start screaming, and that would make him upset, so he would have to scream. That's how they got things through to each other. After, they would calmly talk it out, but that was after three to five hours of glares across the apartment and mutters under each other's breath. Blaine would have to suck it up, and apologize to get anything done.
Sex was the only thing that made both of them somewhat happy. Blaine longed for the intimacy with Kurt, but Kurt would pull away after a little while. It was something that Blaine had been noticing happening more often than not. It had to be brought up eventually, but he was too afraid to do it.
So for now he was fine with planning the wedding. He was excited about what he had been able to accomplish in such a short amount of time, seeing as their wedding was going to be on Labor Day. He had just scored an awesome deal, and he was so excited to tell Kurt.
Little did he know he was about to walk into the worst possible conversation of his life. No, his life and everything that he lived for was about to end.
Blaine rushed over to where Kurt was sitting. He knew that he was a little bit late, but the weather didn't help. It was miserable out. That didn't take away from his good mood though.
"Hi," he greeted, reaching out to pat Kurt's folded hands before stopping behind his chair and hanging his jacket. "Sorry. I know that I'm a little late, but it's really coming down. And I also had to stop by the Mercer Kitchen just to check on something. You're never going to guess." He took off his bag and stood up straight. "So it turns out that they are totally available on Labor Day for our wedding."
He saw the waiter moving towards him, so he met him half way to take his menu before taking his seat. That's when Kurt finally spoke. "Why am I always the first one to arrive?"
The question surprised Blaine. He thought Kurt would be excited about his news. "Did you not hear what I just said? They're available for the wedding on Labor Day!"
Still Kurt didn't look happy. He shook his head before looking down at his menu. "Let's just order. I'm starving."
That was it. Kurt was driving him crazy. He didn't know why he was acting the way he was. It was just constant fighting all the time. He never got any credit for anything that he had been able to accomplish. This was a big deal to him, and Kurt couldn't even smile. "I don't want to fight about this, but I really feel like the whole wedding planning thing, it's just all falling on me."
He didn't want to make it worse, but he couldn't help it. Kurt sat down his menu before folding his hands on top of it. He gave him one of his signature glares, and Blaine just broke down.
"What's the matter?" he begged leaning forward. "Tell me. Are you having second thoughts?"
"Have you noticed how exhausting it's been since you moved back in?" Kurt replied. It crushed Blaine even more. Sure he had noticed the discomfort, but he didn't think it was that bad. "The other day, we got into a three hour fight because I used a towel to wipe off my mouth while there was still toothpaste on my face."
"Well, how is someone else supposed to use it when you leave it like that?"
"Living together is supposed to be a trial run, and I've got to tell you, I think we are failing it," Kurt snapped.
"Thank you for finally saying something truthful," he shot back. He had had enough of it, and he couldn't hold anything back. It was time to get to the bottom of things. "Where's that guy been? Huh? Where've you been? You've been completely aloof and totally remote and distant. It's like I don't even know you anymore. I feel like you are just silently judging me. Like what do you even want anymore? Do you even want this wedding? Do you even want to marry me?"
"Maybe I don't!" Kurt proclaimed.
That was it. The minute Blaine's heart shattered into a million pieces. His worst nightmare had come true. Kurt woke up and didn't love him anymore. Kurt didn't look regretful or anything, and that hurt the worst. They stared at each other for a long second, Blaine trying to grasp any hope that he had left.
"What changed?" he finally asked. He needed to know. He was so desperate. "Was it something that I did? Beca-because you know that I love you. I love you so much and I know that we can make this work."
"I love you, too, but we're kids!" Kurt said, and it was a slap to the face. This was not happening. It had to be a dream. "Look, we had a great run, but let's just call it quits before we completely hate each other."
He couldn't help the tears that began to form in his eyes. Kurt was his everything, and now he was gone. There was nothing he could have done differently. He showed Kurt how much he loved him. He did everything in his power to make him happy. He wanted to cry and scream, but he wouldn't do it here. He took a deep breath and sat up straighter.
"I will never forgive you for this," he spat out. He didn't care how hateful it sounded. It stood up and grabbed his things and left Kurt sitting at the table.
The walk back to their apartment was torture. He forgot his umbrella, and the rain was coming down even harder than it was before. At least they hid his tears. There were so many things they had to figure out, but Blaine couldn't find the energy to care. He'd have to move out. He'd have to get all his things together. It would be hard seeing as it wasn't just his. He and Kurt always shared things.
He wasn't watching where he was going, so when he tripped over the crack in the sidewalk that they always watched out for, he fell to his knees. He didn't think about how his pants were ruined or how his knees were probably all scraped up because of the fall. He just sat there on his knees, crying silently to himself. His life was over, so why should he get up?
"Are you all right?"
He didn't bother answering the stranger. Instead he pushed himself up and kept on going. He didn't trust himself to speak. He was angry.
The loft was silent as he walked in. He couldn't look around or he'd remember all the good times they had together, all the memories that flooded his mind with warmth and kindness before this heartbreak. It was too much to handle. He tore open the curtain that they had kept up after Rachel moved out and pulled his suitcase from the corner and tossed it on the bed. He had to leave.
He didn't know how much time had passed while he tore through their clothes, trying to keep it together. He didn't hear the door slide open, or notice the lights had been turned on in the kitchen. He was focused on the task at hand.
"Blaine."
It startled him out of his tortured thoughts. He froze, shirt falling from his hands. A tiny sliver of hope bubbled in his chest as he turned to face Kurt. Were they going to make up?
"You don't have to leave tonight," was what came next. "It's pouring, and I know you have no where to go."
Anger flooded through him. How could he be so stupid to think that they were going to fix this? There was nothing to fix. Kurt didn't care about him anymore. He wanted to throw something.
"Why do you care?" he shot back. Enough was enough. He turned back around and zipped his bag. Kurt could have everything else. He didn't want it.
"I thought we could be mature about this-"
"You don't get to talk, Kurt. I know how you feel. You don't care about me anymore. I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back." That was the last thing he said to Kurt before he walked out the door.
The next months were painfully horrid. Blaine had found a small place to rent as far away from Kurt as he possibly could. He made it work, but finding the drive to go to school wasn't there anymore. School reminded Blaine of Kurt, and it was too painful. He went to NYADA to be with Kurt doing the thing they both loved the most, but he couldn't even open his mouth to sing, let alone get up and act in front of people.
Soon he was summoned into Madame Tibideaux's office, and she told him that he had been cut. It wasn't that much of a shocker seeing as he was failing all his classes, but it stung. He couldn't hold it together enough to make something of himself without Kurt.
With everything gone, Blaine decided to just moved home. New York wasn't where he needed to be, especially if he wanted to move on from the break up. Everything was a constant reminder of him.
His mom was there with open arms. She hugged him and held him until he stopped crying long enough to tell her what happened. She was in complete shock. After a couple days of crying in his room, his mom suggested that he go to therapy. She worked with someone that went to an outstanding therapist, and she could help Blaine get over Kurt. She could help him be happy again. It was just that thought alone that had him signing up. He couldn't cry anymore. There were no tears left inside of him.
It was a slow start, but he eventually was able to go a day without breaking down. Music was something that he had always fallen back on to express himself, and every time he tried, he couldn't bring himself to do it. It was too upsetting. With enough time, his therapist finally was able to get him playing again. He would sit at his piano for hours, and just get lost in it. Finally, he had an idea.
When he didn't have Kurt, he was his happiest at Dalton. It was where he was able to find himself. So he went there, and sure enough they had an opening. He took it without hesitation. It was going to be a change of scenery, but it was welcoming seeing all the Warblers. They welcomed him with open arms. What was nice was feeling like his life had meaning again. He had a reason to wake up in the morning, and that was all he wanted.
Soon after getting his job, his therapist told him that he needed to get back out there. He needed to start meeting other guys, and hopefully he would find someone who could take the place of Kurt. The thing was that Blaine knew he'd never find anyone because Kurt was the only guy out there for him. He only wanted Kurt and that was that. The only thing was that he was just so miserable and still so hurt, so he took a chance and went to Scandals. That's where he ran into him.
If anyone had told Blaine Anderson five years ago that he'd be sitting at a gay bar, talking to David Karofsky, he'd laugh right in his or her face. There would be no way he'd do that, but he was in a dark place and David was right there. He came over after line dancing and they just started talking. Blaine couldn't help it. It was like he could finally talk to someone and have him or her actually listen. It may not be about attraction or intimacy, but having someone there for him felt incredible. So they started dating.
Just as his life was starting to settle into a routine, out of the blue he received a call from someone he hadn't talked to in months.
"Is this the Miss Rachel Berry?" he asked as he walked out of his bathroom. He had just finished getting ready for the day.
"Hi, Blaine," she answered, her voice sounding somewhat hallow. He knew about the failure of her TV show, but he hadn't heard from her since. "Sorry I haven't been in touch."
"No, I'm sure you were busy. What can I do for you?"
"I've been coupe up in my house for god knows how long just thinking about how much of a failure I am. I just needed to talk to someone. Am I catching you at a bad time?"
"No, of course not," he told her. He stopped in front of his door. "You said your house. Are you in Lima?"
"I came home a while ago."
"Well that's fantastic. I mean not fantastic that you are here instead of LA, but I'm actually in Lima as well. Why don't we meet up? I can be at the Lima Bean in twenty minutes."
"Oh, that would be great. I might have to wear a disguise so people don't recognize me, but I'll meet you there. Thank you, Blaine."
"You're welcome, Rachel. I'll see you in twenty."
He hung up and started on his way. He didn't question why Rachel would wear a disguise. He knew that the girl had a crazy mind and did crazy things. He just assumed it was because she was embarrassed of how she handled her career. Blaine would feel like same way.
"Blaine!" Rachel exclaimed as she got out of her car and rushed towards him. He opened his arms and engulfed her a big hug. He really missed the girl.
"Rachel," he smiled squeezing her tightly. "It's so great to see you."
"I hope you weren't waiting long," she said pulling back. "I was deciding on this hat or a scarf to conceal my identity."
"No, I just got here." He ducked to see under the floppy hat she had on. "Is the hat really necessary?"
She gave him a look before starting inside, Blaine followed behind her. They got in line and Rachel ordered and handed over her card. "One soy latte, please."
"Oh my god, it's William McKinley's own Rachel Berry!" Figgins, or at least Blaine was pretty sure it was the old principal of the school, exclaimed. It did its deed, and Rachel started freaking out. Blaine reached forward as they got the attention of everyone in the café.
"No, please!" she begged.
"You can't hide from me, I work here now since Sue cut my janitor's wages," he told her as he came closer next to the barista. "Oh, this Soy Latte is on me."
"Thank you so much," she said quickly, reaching out for her card. "Can I please have my card back?"
"No matter how bad things have been for me," he started, and Rachel took back her card. "But your humiliation makes me see that things can always get worse."
"Terrible," she muttered.
Blaine took the chance to jump in and directed her away from the counter to a table. He was completely shocked at what he just witnessed. Rachel took off her hat and glasses. "Great. Might as well just take all this off now."
"What was that?" he asked folding his arms on top of the table.
"Just the story of my life," she told him, looking up at him. "All I've ever wanted was to come home and have everyone know my name, and now they do. But only because I was involved in the worst television show in history."
Blaine shook his head in protest. "No one has heard from you in months."
"Well that's because I went into hiding."
"Yeah," he agreed.
"I'm good now. I'm good, and I'm getting my life back together. And everything is good."
Her tone betrayed her words, and her face fell by the second. Blaine felt so bad for her. He caught her eye. "I'm going to help you figure this out."
"Thanks," she murmured. "I just-I don't understand. Why you are back? Are you visiting family? Where's Kurt?"
That shocked him. He thought everyone knew about their breakup. "Oh, wow. You really have been in hiding. Rach, Kurt and I broke up."
"What?" The shock was evident on her face.
"Yeah, it got pretty rough after everyone left and it was just him and me alone in the loft. Guess we're too young." He was still a little bitter about it. "Everybody says that this is exactly what happens to high school relationships after the first year of college. But I thought that we were different."
"I'm really sorry."
"I got super depressed after we broke up," he continued. He was ashamed of himself. "My school work sorta started to slip, and I got cut from NYADA."
"What?" She looked to him in disbelief and Blaine shook his head. "When are you going to go back to New York?"
"I think I'm going to take a break. I wanted to be home too. I moved back in with my parents and I got a job, at Dalton. I'm the new coach of the Warblers."
"But you don't need a college degree for that?"
He smiled. "I'm not the real teacher, but the faculty advisor got Ebola or something, so the timing was perfect."
"You know what?" he asked looking around before holding out his hands for his friend. Rachel took them slowly. "I think that we need to make a promise to each other. I think that from here on out, it's you and me, together. And we are going to turn these lemons into lemonade. Okay?" Rachel nodded. "All right."
He had an idea then, so he sat back and reached down for his bag. Rachel was depressed and upset, so he knew that he had to cheer her up some way. What better way than what he did best?
He stood with his bag around him before reaching out for her hand. She took it without hesitation as they excited the coffee shop. Rachel shouldered her bag and with her hand that wasn't gripped her big, floppy hat; she clutched Blaine hand for support.
It was a short walk to the little music store that Blaine really enjoyed performing every so often. Not much was said, but when they walked in she let a small smile escape.
"Now, I know that you are down in the dumps, but there is one thing that I know Rachel Berry can't resist." He smiled at her while discarding his bag and sitting at the familiar piano.
"And what's that?" she asked, sitting in the unoccupied chair across from him.
"A Broadway classic."
She raised her eyebrows and he that was all he needed. He had her interest. He ran his hands over the keys and started the melody. The song was one of his favorites, one that he knew Rachel adored. He didn't hesitate to sing to first lyrics right to his best friend, hopeful that this could help her feel a little bit better.
Lift up your head, wash off your mascara
Here, take my Kleenex, wipe that lipstick away
Show me your face clean as the morning
I know things were bad but now they're okay
They had gained some attention from the patrons, but they didn't matter to him. He let the lyrics flow easily out of his mouth, not thinking about how just a few months ago he wouldn't have been able to do this. He needed to focus on Rachel.
Suddenly, Seymour is standing beside you
You don't need no make-up, don't have to pretend
Suddenly, Seymour is here to provide you
Sweet understanding Seymour's your friend
He was little worried that he underestimated the power of song since Rachel didn't look too happy as she looked down at her knees. Before he could stress too much, she looked up and the words flowed off her tongue like she had sang it a million times before.
Nobody ever treated me kindly
Daddy left early, and Mama was poor
I'd meet a man and I'd follow him blindly
He'd snap his fingers and me, I'd say "Sure"
Relief flowed through Blaine as the old Rachel came out, walking up the stairs that were next to the piano. He saw the performer in her. He saw his best friend again, and he was happy that his plan had worked.
Suddenly, Seymour (Suddenly, Seymour)
He purified me (Oh, oh)
Yeah, Suddenly, Seymour (Suddenly, Seymour)
He showed me I can (Showed me, I can)
Learn how to be more
The girl that's inside me
With sweet understanding (With sweet understanding)
With sweet understanding (With sweet understanding)
With sweet understanding
Seymour's your man
Rachel joined him on the piano bench to belt out the last note flawlessly together, smiles on both of their faces. There was applause as Blaine smiled down fondly at the girl next to him. She was a completely different person than before the song. It was a great idea, and he was so proud of her letting all her problems and worries go for just a little while.
She leaned her head down on his shoulder, and he brought his hand up to caress her face. She needed him just as much as he needed his friend back. He was glad they were able to do this again. They sat there for a little while until she sat up.
"Thank you, Blaine," she said. "I haven't sang since the show, and that was really nice."
"Well, like I said. I'm here for you." He smiled down at her. "There's nothing I won't do to cheer you up."
"I'm far away from myself, but that was a small step into the right direction."
"Which is why I have a phase two of my plan. You don't need to be thinking all about your show and everything, so to get your mind off of it I want you to come to Dalton tomorrow and help me with the Warblers. It'll be just like a little critique from someone other than the students and myself. You were on Broadway."
"I don't know," she started, but Blaine shook his head.
"You are coming. I don't want to hear it. You can't keep hiding in your room forever, Rachel. Meet me at Dalton around three."
She nodded, and Blaine took that as a small victory. They both had some growing and learning to do, but they had each other. It was going to be okay.
Kurt Hummel had his life put together as much as a twenty year old could. He was going into year three at NYADA and he couldn't be happier. It was his dream to graduate and start into the theatre industry, and he was half way there. He had his work-study program already planned out, so now he could focus on getting himself back out there.
He hadn't dated anyone since Blaine, but it was time to get himself out there. Not only did he join Tinder, but he was also doing a little speed dating. He hadn't had much luck, but it was going. It was a different experience. He had to get himself out there and meet other people, or he could be alone for the rest of his life. It was a good way to move on from Blaine. That ship had sailed.
Don't get him wrong, he was upset that things had to end the way they did because he wasn't in a good place, but he was happy that he called it off. His dad had tried to get him to go to a therapist. He had been a couple of times, but he didn't think he needed to go anymore. He could move on from it by himself. He was strong enough.
He had already moved on from the break up. Sure he hadn't talked to Blaine since it happen; well he hadn't talked to anyone really. Rachel was M.I.A., Santana was with Mercedes and Brittany the last he heard, and Elliot moved to LA after getting a record deal. He was alone, but that didn't matter. He was still doing well.
Here he sat on another round of speed dating. A cute guy was smiling at him with swept blonde hair. He held his hand out. "Hi, I'm Rich."
"Kurt," he greeted, shaking his hand. "What do you like to do?"
"I do pirate reenactments, and I'm also a psychic," he responded with his bright smile. It seemed somewhat fake, but Kurt didn't mind. He paused, holding his fingers to his temples. "I'm getting something. You just broke up with someone."
His smile faltered for a minute, but he was a little impressed. "That's amazing. Uh, I did. I was actually engaged. He asked me. I feel like that's important for people to know, but I'm the one who called it off. Yeah. He's a great guy, and if I learned any-"
"Wait, you haven't dated since you broke up, have you?" the guy asked, cutting him off.
"Wow, you are psychic."
"I don't need to be a psychic to tell that you're not over this dude." With that he got up and left.
It was a punch to the gut because that guy was really the only somewhat normal guy he'd met all day. Sure he was engaged. He just didn't understand why every time it came up, it sent a guy running. He wasn't still into Blaine. He wasn't. He sighed and stood up. This obviously wasn't working. He was just holding out hope that his date the next day with a guy he met on Tinder would go better than this.
"So-um-any thoughts?" Blaine asked, buttoning his Warbler blazer after that, what he thought, incredible performance. He was pretty proud of how far they've come since he started coaching the boys.
"Oh my gosh," Rachel said in a rush from her spot on the couch. "Well, I have three. First of all, that was incredible. Second of all, you are way past the maximum age to be dancing and singing with these guys." He looked down with a smile as a laugh flowed through the room. "And third, thank you. That was the first time I've laughed and smiled in a really long time."
"Of course," he told her with a fond smile. He turned back to the guys. "You heard her, you guys did really great." There were hollers throughout the room, and Rachel stood up. "I'll be in my office if you guys need anything."
"I can't believe you have your own office, and you aren't even a teacher," Rachel giggled as she watched Blaine hang up his blazer. "This is crazy."
"Yeah, I really love it here." He sat down at his chair and she sat across from him. "Now what do you think you are going to do?"
"I don't know," she admitted, letting out a sigh. "This was really inspiring. I mean you were almost just as down as I am and you turned it around."
"Well I may not be known to the whole community, but you are right. It just takes time. It has to get bad before it starts getting better. I'm not about to lie, it was rough getting a motive to go outside again, but I did it."
She leaned back and crossed her legs. "How though?"
"I went to therapy for a while, figuring out myself. You see I've only ever been with Kurt. The time we broke up before was the same way. I didn't know how to function without him in my life. I love him-I loved him." He shrugged. "I've figured out what I really enjoy, which is music, and focused on that. I'm doing something that I really enjoy to be doing."
"Are you sure that you and Kurt are really over?" she asked. "I know how he can be. He's just confused-"
"It's over, Rach," he told her. "He called it off. He wasn't happy with me, and we're done. Besides, I found someone else."
"What?" Her eyes were wide, and he could tell she didn't like what she was hearing.
"Yeah, I'm seeing someone else. I've moved on as I'm sure he probably has as well."
"Who? Do I know him? It's not that Warbler that blinded you with rock salt is it?"
He took a deep breath, looking down. No matter who it was to Sam, his mom, or even Tina on the phone, they didn't take the news very well. "No, it's David Karofsky."
"You're kidding," she gasped. "Blaine."
"He was there for me when no one else was. He helped me figure out my feelings. He helped me move on from hating Kurt to being okay with the situation. He makes me happy, and I hope you can be understanding about this."
She sighed, looking down. It took a minute before she nodded. "I'm going to be supportive because I know that if the roles were reversed, you'd be understanding. I may not understand completely, but if you are happy that's all that matters."
"Thank you," he told her, reaching his hand out over the desk to take her hand. "I appreciate it, Rach."
"I should get going. I promised Sam that I'd met him during football practice. He's the assistant coach now."
"He was so excited when he got that," Blaine smiled. "We all really missed you, Rachel."
"I'm back for now."
"And I couldn't be happier."
He hugged her tightly, before letting her leave. It was nice to have another woman apart from his mom in his life right now. He bit his lip, leaning against his desk. Talking about Kurt always hurt a little. He couldn't deny that he missed the boy, but he had to keep going. If he dwelled on the fact that Kurt was gone, he'd grow upset. He shook his head and clapped his hands, making his way out to the Warblers. He was at work, and that was all the distraction he needed.
"Do you want to order?" the waitress asked Kurt as he sat in a popular café waiting on his date to arrive.
"Oh, no. I'll wait," he told her. "Hot date."
He smiled and she walked away. He had only been there for a little while. He had gotten there early to pump himself up. He was somewhat nervous, but more ready than not. He was optimistic.
It didn't dawn on him until he looked down at his watch. He hadn't been to this place since that night: The night that he called things off with Blaine. He glanced out the window to the table where it happened, and the scene played over in his head as if it was happening again. He remembered how hurtful he was. He remembered how upset and crushed Blaine was. He remembered the last words that were said by Blaine, and it was a stab in the heart.
"I will never forgive you for this."
It was playing over and over in his mind, and he didn't realize how much time had passed until he heard a voice say his name.
"Kurt Hummel, hey." Kurt tore his eyes away from that table, the memory fading, but still so much there. A guy smiled down at him before sitting down. "I'm Ricardo."
It was only then that he felt the tear fall down his cheek. A sudden realization hit him. It was suffocating him in a completely different way than how he was suffocated before. He needed Blaine. He was only trying to forget him, but nothing he could do would succeed in doing that. Blaine was his everything. He was the only boy that Kurt ever wanted to have, and he didn't understand why he was just realizing this right now.
He realized that the guy he was meeting was looking at him, worry settling in. "Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry," he babbled shaking his head. "I have to go."
He leapt from the table and ran out the door. He couldn't sit there anymore. He had to do something. He had to talk to someone about this. Before he could stop his legs, they carried him to his therapist's office. He didn't care about the receptionist; he ran past her and opened the door.
"I need to talk to you," he practically shouted. He still had tears falling down his cheeks, but he didn't care.
Susan looked up, obviously startled, and raised her eyebrows. Before she could speak, the receptionist spoke behind her, "You can't come in here without an appointment, sir."
"No, it's fine," Susan said as she raised her hand. "I have some free time, and it looks like Mr. Hummel is in grave need of a session."
He walked in and shut the door. The room was familiar enough that it felt calming. He sat down on the edge of the sofa, and took a deep breath, trying to control his emotions. "I-"
"Take a few more seconds, Kurt," she told him. "You are upset, and we won't be able to talk until you are able to control yourself."
When he was finally able to control his breathing, he nodded. "You've been trying to get me to talk about Blaine. I'm ready. I went to the restaurant that we had that fight at, the one that I called things off at, and I remembered the whole scene. I remember how horrible I was to him. I remember how much I hurt him. I remember how he looked at me like I had just ruined his entire life. I screwed up, and it only took me until now to realize it."
"Why do you think it took you so long?" she asked, folding her hands together.
"Because I was in denial. I'm stubborn, and I know that I am. I want things to go my way or I get angry. He used to suffocate me-"
"Why did he do that? How did he suffocate you, Kurt?"
"He would always be there. He was constantly touching me, or holding me, or showing me some find of affection. It was just too much most of the time. I couldn't breathe."
"Do you not like intimacy?"
"I do," he told her, wiping his eyes free of stray tears. "I just-" He paused, his mind going a mile a minute. "I was bullied a lot, you know that. I didn't have any acts of affection growing up after my mother died. My dad tried, but it was always a pat on the shoulder. It was never a hug or a kiss. I didn't have that until Blaine came into my life. When we started dating, we set limits. We planned make out sessions, and held hands every so often. It wasn't too much."
"What it sounds like to me, Kurt is that you weren't used to the affection that Blaine was showing you, and so you felt like you were suffocating. You really weren't though. You just needed to ease into the whole thing."
"But we didn't. We got engaged before he moved in. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was, but I understand it now. We used to also fight because he would constantly be coming to me, being there. I needed time to get used to it before we jumped right into the living together thing. That's why we were constantly fighting."
"Do you think that you understand intimacy now?" she asked, and Kurt nodded.
"I do. I'm not scared of it, and I don't not want it. I just needed to understand why I felt the way I did, and I do now. I needed to realize that I just wasn't used to it. I look back and I see everything that Blaine did for me with the love in his heart, and I shot him down. He even got my favorite restaurant to cater our wedding. I shot him down because I was so annoyed with him, and he was just trying to make our wedding the best it could be. I don't deserve him."
"Don't say that. I think that it's important for you to realize that you were in the wrong. Relationships are about compromises."
"And I didn't see it that way. I never wanted to compromise. I wanted my way, and I pushed him away. I broke up with him for no reason. No I broke up with him because I'm an asshole. I'm an idiot. I can't believe I pushed away the only person I can see myself with for the rest of my life."
"I have helped a lot of men, Kurt, and you seem to be having the same problem as they did. You see, men fight all the time. When you have a relationship with two men, there are going to be fights. It's how they connect, and they seem to think that the relationship is going down, but it's not. It's normal to argue. It's healthy actually."
"But we fought all the time. Well Blaine wouldn't fight, I would. He never would do something like that because he wasn't raised like I was. Blaine was never afraid of being affectionate like I was."
"And that's why we are here because you didn't realize that until now. I think you understand why the relationship didn't work out."
"I do. It took me too long to figure out. I'll never be able to get him back now. He probably hates me."
"You never know that, Kurt. You are already a changed man since I met you months ago. You actually are accepting the fault."
"It is my fault. It's my entire fault, and I have to tell him that. I have to just lay it all on the line, and hopefully he'll forgive me. I may still have a chance."
"If you two have this love that you've told me about, I know you will get him back." She smiled and looked at the clock. "I have an appointment soon, but I don't think you need anything else from me."
He shook his head and stood up. She was right. "Thank you so much for just listening. I have to go."
"Let me know what happens, all right?"
He nodded before walking out the door. That was exactly what he needed, and now all he had to do was go get his fiancé back. He'd do anything in his power to be able to hold Blaine and tell him how sorry he was. He had to at least try. Kurt Hummel always got what he wanted, and this one time he wouldn't stop until he had Blaine back.
As soon as Kurt landed, he went to Rachel's. A certain blonde, turned brunette with big lips had informed him that she was back home. He really just needed to see his best friend right now. Maybe she could help him. He waited for her to get home for a while, but then there she was, striding into her room on a mission. She stopped when she saw him.
"Hey, Rachel," he greeted almost pathetically. He was exhausted from not only crying, but also stressing. She looked at him for a minute, and he lost it. She hurried over and hugged him as he tried to calm himself down.
"I'm so sorry," she said quickly, pulling away. "I've talked to Blaine, and I know what happened; it's going to be all right."
"It's not only about Blaine, Rachel." He sat back as she turned around to sit across from him. Kurt grabbed a pillow and held it against his chest. "It's everything. First everyone leaves, and then you just disappear. I haven't seen you in months, and you haven't called me or texted me-"
"I know," she sighed. "It was a rough time for me. I was embarrassed. I couldn't go back to New York. I couldn't."
"I showed up," he told her looking down. "Six months ago, you said that we would all meet at that spot outside the loft, because no matter what, our friendships were the most important thing. Well, I was the only one who showed up. And you were clearly in the midst of a nervous breakdown, and well Blaine…"
He looked down, tears trying to come again. "Well, I blew it. I blew the best thing that ever happened to me."
"Are you sure you're not just saying that because you're lonely? I mean New York must feel pretty empty without all of us there."
She tried, but it didn't work. "No. Blaine's the love of my life. I started seeing this therapist who said that I have this thing with love. You know, men fight as a way to stay connected, but Blaine wasn't like that. He wasn't afraid of intimacy." He looked down and then back up. "Has he said anything?"
She hesitated for a millisecond before responding, "He seems to be in a good place about it."
"Well that's great." His hope grew slightly at the news. "Maybe I can fix it. Do you think you can arrange a meeting between he and I in a neutral place here in Lima?"
"I'm confused," she said, obviously not that on board with the idea at all. "How do you plan to fix things at long distance?"
"Well, maybe it doesn't have to be long distance." He hadn't thought about it, but it was true. "Look, I want to be here with you guys. You've got to help me. Maybe we can have our redemption here together."
That got to her because she was suddenly shaking her head and smiling slightly. "I think I have the perfect idea."
Kurt tilted her head slightly. "For Blaine or for us?"
"I'm taking over the glee club at McKinley, and I could really use an assistant."
That was shocking news, but intriguing nonetheless. "I'm in, anything to get me away from empty New York. Plus I miss glee."
She smiled and leaned forward to hug him tightly. Kurt accepted it, and hugged her back. So far so good. "I'm going to call NYADA and make sure that it is covered under the work-study program."
"And I'll call Blaine," she said. There was a hint of doubt in her voice. Kurt could barely notice it, but it was there. It was like she new something that he didn't, but he let it go.
It turned out that assisting a program for the arts was covered, and Kurt was given the go ahead. He couldn't be happier. He walked back into the room while Rachel was still on the phone.
"Yeah, Kurt is home," she said into the phone, walking around the room. "He wants to see you if you aren't busy."
Kurt bit his lip, waiting for the boy to say no, but Rachel turned to him and gave him the thumbs up. "Where would you like him to meet you?"
There was a pause and Rachel finished the conversation before hanging up. "Well?"
"He said that he'd love to see you," Rachel told him, and Kurt flailed a little. "He wants to meet a Scandals tomorrow at four."
"Perfect," he answered, clapping his hands. "I'm going to get him back, Rachel. I promise you. I screwed up, but I'm going to fix it."
"Kurt, there's something you should-"
"Don't tell me that I'm crazy. I am hopeful, and I will stop at nothing to get him. I've realized why it didn't work out. Everything is going to be fine."
She nodded, and that was all Kurt needed. This had to go smoothly, or it wouldn't work at all. Now all he had to do was wait.
Blaine rushed into the bar, and David was on his heals. His stomach was in knots. It had been since Rachel called him the day before. He didn't know what Kurt would say, but he was ready to move on as friends from this whole thing. He regretted how they left things, but he was upset. He also didn't know how Kurt would take the news of him and David dating.
"Hey," he said turning. "Will you give me a minute with him alone?"
"Yeah, sure Boo Boo," David cooed kissing his forehead. "I'll go get us drinks while you talk to him."
Blaine nodded, and looked around, seeing Kurt's back. He'd know that back from anywhere. He was nervous, but also relived. This should have been done a long time ago. He took a deep breath and started over to him.
"Just be cool," he thought to himself. "Keep your words as straight as narrow."
To say he was nervous was an understatement. He didn't know how this meeting was going to go. Rachel said that Blaine was in a good place about everything, but all Kurt could remember was the hateful words Blaine had last said to him. He had every right to though. He was an idiot for calling off the wedding.
"Hi," he heard, and that was his Blaine. He turned and the boy was right there. The sight of him to Kurt's breath away. He missed him so much. "I hope you weren't waiting long."
"Oh, no. No. Hi," Kurt greeted like an idiot.
"Hi," Blaine said and they automatically went to hug. It was awkward. Blaine went in for a kiss because that's what they always did, but corrected himself fast and hugged him. It was short, and Kurt was thankful for that.
Blaine moved to sit across from Kurt, and the older boy took that as he chance to start. "I appreciate you coming to see me. I would understand if you had told me to screw off."
"No!" Blaine insisted in his sweet tone that Kurt missed so much. "No, no. I wanted to see you."
That's all Kurt needed to lay it all out. "Well, I'm here to get you back." He reached out and placed his hand atop of Blaine's. "I don't mean to blurt it out like that but for the sake of clarity, you should know that first I'm going to get your forgiveness, and then I'm gonna get your heart back."
The look on Blaine's face was shock, and then regret. It didn't make since until what he said next. "Um-I'm seeing someone."
"Don't cry. Be cool. Smile. Oh, God. I'm gonna be sick." Kurt felt his smile fade, and he tried to keep it up when his heart just plummeted.
"And I wanted to tell you in person, especially because you know him."
"Please don't say Sebastian Smythe!" Kurt didn't understand what he was hearing how could this happen? Then he heard a voice and felt a slap on the shoulder.
"Hey, Kurt!" David Karofsky greeted before heading towards Blaine, his Blaine. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. He kissed Blaine's cheek in slow motion, and it took everything in Kurt not to tear him away from Blaine.
"Karofsky?" he asked completely in shock.
Blaine hadn't looked him in the eye, and it was driving Kurt insane. How could he do this to him? He finally looked up. "I knew this would be a little weird for you."
"It's a living nightmare!"
If there was one thing he was good at, it was acting. "Oh, no. It's not weird at all. So how'd you two meet up again?"
"Well, um," Blaine started looking over to David. "It was actually a few months ago. Right here as a matter of fact." He pointed over to the dance floor and Kurt glanced over his shoulder at it. "I was a little bored so I decided to come to Country Bear Night at Scandals, and there was Dave doing the electric slide."
Kurt turned back around. "Fun!"
"Yeah, we got to talking, mostly-mostly about you. I was just so angry at what happened, and it was just me venting about the break up."
"But I reminded him, you know, how much you helped me during that dark time in my life," David said with a smile. "And you forgave me for all of the crap that I put you through."
"Anyway, we got to talking, hanging out, and here we are."
"Here we are!" Dave put an arm around Blaine's shoulders, and Kurt wanted to tear his eyes out. "Yogi and Boo Boo." Blaine shook his head, and Kurt couldn't take it. "That's his nickname for us, cause I'm his big bear and he's my little cub." He reached over and touched Blaine's chin.
"I'm gonna be sick! I'm gonna throw up! And when did Blaine start liking bears?" He couldn't hold it back much longer. He was going to crack.
"I know this isn't what you wanted," Blaine said looking at him. "And I know this isn't going to be easy, but I just wanted all of us to be able to be adults about this."
"And I'm hoping we can be friends," David piped in. "We can all hang out and stuff."
"Sounds like fun," he got out around a fake smile and laugh. "Uh-If you'll excuse me, I have to use the restroom."
He couldn't get there soon enough. He almost couldn't hold it in. He hurried and shut the door, locking it before breaking down. He pushed through the door into a stall and leaned against the wall. He couldn't breathe. Everything was so wrong it was like a nightmare. Blaine was his, and now he screwed up so much, that he didn't want Kurt anymore. He wanted Kurt's bully in high school. There was so much wrong, and Kurt could handle it.
He sank to the floor, clutching his chest as he cried. He screwed up. He lost the best part of his life, and now he didn't know what to do. He couldn't even think, the tears falling and falling. He sobbed because that's all he could do.
Blaine watched Kurt retreat to the bathroom, and he knew that he wasn't taking it well. He felt bad even though he shouldn't. Kurt was the one that broke up with him. He didn't expect Kurt to want him back. The old Blaine would have jumped at the chance, but he was changed. He was happy now with Dave. He couldn't give all that up because Kurt suddenly wanted him back.
"Do you think he's okay in there?" Dave asked. "He's been in there a while."
Blaine looked up after being too consumed in his thoughts to realize how much time had passed. "He's upset."
"What do you mean? He seemed to be taking it so well!"
"You don't know Kurt like I do," Blaine told him with a sad smile. "He's upset, and seeing us together probably won't help. He wants me back."
"Oh," he said, looking down.
"Don't worry," Blaine assured him, reaching out and touching his hand. "I'm not going back to him. It was his decision to break up, so he has to deal with the consequences."
"I'll go." He stood and kissed his cheek. "I trust you, Boo Boo. Call me later, okay?"
Blaine nodded and waited until he was gone to go to the bathroom. The door was locked, and Blaine knocked. It took a minute, but it opened and Kurt stepped out. He looked horrible, eyes and nose red. He had been crying. He took a step back, shocked to see Blaine.
"Sorry," he murmured. "I just…"
"It's fine," Blaine assured him. Suddenly the bar wasn't the place to be right now. He nodded and they headed out. "I'm sorry that you didn't really have a chance to progress the news."
Kurt stopped and inhaled. "I just have one question and then I'm done."
"Of course."
"Why him?" he asked, voice broken. "Why Karofsky? I think I'd rather you date Sebastian Smythe."
"You don't pick love, Kurt. It picks you. I had no control over what happened, it just did. I'm sorry, but you had forgiven him for what happened. He's a really great guy."
Kurt nodded. "I-I have to go."
"Are you leaving for New York soon?" Blaine asked, reaching out to stop him. "I really hope you didn't just come back for me."
"I did," Kurt admitted, and he sounded completely broken. "But I'm staying. I'm doing a work-study program at McKinley to help start the glee club back up with Rachel. I'll see you around, Blaine."
"Bye, Kurt," Blaine said, releasing his arm.
Blaine watched Kurt go, and a part of his heart ached. No matter how much he tried to deny it, some kind of feelings were still there and they'd always be there. Kurt hurt him though. He had to move on from that part of his life. It just dragged him down. They tried and it didn't work. That was that. He sighed and started for his car.
Kurt walked into his house, closing the door and leaning against it. There were no more tears to cry, and he felt absolutely empty. His biggest fear had come true: Blaine moved on. There was someone else that was able to see Blaine the way only he should see him. It was heart breaking and he didn't know what else to do. He blew it.
"Hey, kiddo," his dad said, leaning against the doorframe to the living room. "How'd it go?"
A cry escaped his lips, and he let it come. He rushed over and hugged his dad, crying into his shoulder. Apparently there were still some tears left. Being in his dad's embrace helped a little, but it wasn't Blaine. He wanted the love of his life.
"What happened?" Burt asked when they parted and walked into the living room. "Not the way that you wanted it to go it looks like."
Kurt shook his head, falling to the couch in defeat. "He's seeing someone else, dad. He moved on."
There was a moment of silence until his dad sighed. "You know you messed up, but this doesn't mean that you still can't get him back. You are home now for a while, so I think you should give him some time. You both need time."
"But I want him." He rubbed his face, squeezing his eyes shut. "It's just that out of all the people, it's David."
"Wait a minute," his dad said, holding up a finger. "Blaine is dating that Karofsky kid that bullied you out of McKinley?"
"Yeah. It's just totally wrong! You should have seen them together, dad. It was disgusting. David is just so big and Blaine is so small. He's mine."
"Look, Blaine can do whatever he wants. You did calls things off. When you are heartbroken, you do crazy things. If he wants to date that kid, then he's going to date him. There's nothing you can do. The more you push him, the more he's going to grow closer to David."
"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked, feeling defeated.
"Back off." Kurt opened his mouth to protest, but Burt held up his hand. "Now don't argue. Remember when the roles were reversed, kiddo? Blaine gave you your space with that British kid."
"Adam," Kurt supplied on automatic. He hadn't thought about him in a while, feeling slightly bad about how things ended there. "That was different."
"No it wasn't. You two were broken up. This is exactly how Blaine felt. If you guys are meant to be, it'll work out. I promise you, you'll get him back."
"That doesn't make me feel any better, dad. I don't think anything will." He pulled himself up and sighed. "I'll be in my room wallowing in self pity. Losing the love of your life really takes a lot out of you."
"Things get worse before they get better," Burt called after him.
If Kurt was told one more time that things were going to be okay, he was going to explode. No one understood the heartbreak that he was experiencing, but he was the only one to blame.
He crawled into his bed and pulled up the covers, closing his eyes. He knew that Blaine gave him his space when he was trying to date someone else, but it was hard. Of course it'd be hard seeing Blaine with someone else. It just sucked that it was David. They wouldn't know each other if it wasn't for him.
After an hour of crying, he got up. He stood in front of his mirror and took a deep breath. There would be no more of this crying and pity. He screwed up, and now he had to own up to it. It was time to let it go and just move on. He'd keep trying to get Blaine back, but he wasn't going to push. That wouldn't help anything. He was giving Blaine his room to test out the waters.
Maybe his dad was right. If it were meant to be, he'd get Blaine back. He just wouldn't rest until he had his Blaine. He was going to get him back, but he'd worry about that later. It's time to focus on what's important right now: glee. He shrugged on his coat and glanced at the picture on him and Blaine on his nightstand of them smiling together, letting a small smile escape his own lips.
"I'll have him again," was his last thought before exiting his room.
A/N:
Hey guys! Oh my goodness! I'm back. To be honest, this was hard to do. Not because I didn't want to do it, but because I'm so rusty with my writing. I've been super busy and I just didn't ever have time to do it. But it felt so good to get back to my Kurt and Blaine!
Now I know that the idea off them breaking up yet again is horrendous to most Klaine fans, and believe me I went through the heartbreak tantrum. I've come to accept it. I'm thankful for whatever the writers give us. I choose to believe that they had envisioned Blaine to date Sebastian, and Grant was too busy with the Flash, so they settled for Karofsky. It's going to be OK! And if the spoilers for the big double wedding are any indication, things are going to get better!
Can we all just take a minute to appreciate how awesome the episode was? I was really impressed! It was like…Why didn't they have this Glee two years ago? I don't want it to end!
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It didn't take me as long as I thought it would, but hey I'm not complaining! I'll have Homecoming up sometime soon hopefully. I can't promise that these chapters will be uploaded before the next episode airs because I have work and school just started, but I'm going to finish! I promise!
If you guys could just review and let me know what you think, that would be incredible! They really inspire me to write.
I'll see you guys soon!
Final Note: I missed Glee SO much!
-Chelsea