Pein sighed as he looked over the last few weeks' worth of missions. It seemed like each member was taking longer and longer to both complete missions and come back and even start the mission or were unable to. It looked like it was time to have a little chat with each of the members.
"Hey, Pein. You wanted to see me?" Konan stepped into the room carrying a bag of groceries.
"Konan, look at this! It's like our members aren't taking anything seriously. They're missing missions for strange reasons, like yesterday…"
FLASH BACK
Pein was sitting at his desk and finishing up some paper work when there a knock at his door. "Come in."
"Good afternoon, Leader-sama." It was Sasori.
"Oh hello, Sasori. I thought you were supposed to be going on that mission with Deidara."
"I can't…" sighed the puppet. Pein noticed that the puppet master was blushing, something he rarely did.
"Why not?"
"Uh…i-its better if I don't say."
"What are you talking about?"
"Leader-sama, don't…"
"I have to ask what your reason for not going on this mission. Are you sick, poisoned, dying…"
"F-fine…" the red head sighed, looked away, and mumbled something under his breath.
"What?"
"I said my…" Sasori began to mumble after this point.
"Huh?"
"I SAID MY ASS HURTS! DO. NOT. MAKE. ME SAY. IT. AGAIN!"
"Oh…" Pein raised a brow. "And why is that?"
"I…I…" Sasori scratched the back of his head. "Dammit, Leader-sama…"
"Come on, Sasori. If you have a rash or something, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I won't say anything."
"I don't have a rash." Sasori closed his eyes and twitched slightly.
"Then what is it?"
"I can't tell you. Look, fine, I'll go on the mission, but I can't guarantee I'll be much use." Sasori quickly left before Pein could ask any more questions, thus leaving him confused.
END FLASH BACK
"…and what about that time with Itachi…"
"Itachi, you were late for our meeting today." Pein sighed as he sat in front of the Uchiha.
"I'm sorry, Leader-sama. I just lost track of time. It won't happen again, I promise." The Uchiha said calmly.
"Itachi, this isn't like you. You've never missed a meeting, but as of late…" he sighed. "Is there anything you need to tell me?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a rash?"
"What?"
"You wince every time you sit down."
"You're seeing things."
"Itachi, not I'm not."
"Yes you are…old man."
The man's eyes widened out of shock. Did Itachi Uchiha just sass him? Well that was odd. He'd expect something like that from Hidan and Deidara, but never Itachi. "Did you just call me…old?"
"Yes…yes I did." The Uchiha sighed and brushed his hair out of his onyx eyes. "Can I go now?"
"Oh…yeah…no. Why did you and Kisame stay so long out at your mission?"
"We weren't gone that long…"
"YOU TWO WERE GONE FOR A MONTH! THE MISSION SHOULD HAVE TAKEN JUST A WEEK!"
"We were gone for a month because of your gas."
"E-excuse me?"
"Remember when you ate all of those burritos even though Konan told you not to?"
"You ate as many as I did, Uchiha…"
"Yes, but I did not pass gas the entire month we were gone, as I predicted."
"You pre…WHO TOLD YOU…"
"Bitch please, we could smell your farts all the way from where we were." He said calmly.
"Itachi, you're a little too cocky for your own good."
"Speaking of cocks, you're using a dead man's…"
"WHAT DID YOU…"
"Good-bye." The Uchiha left the room.
"And then there was this thing with Hidan and Kisame…"
"Dammit, stop moving around, Kisame!"
"WELL THEN PUT YOUR DICK AWAY!"
"No way! I'm keeping it out because its natural!"
"WELL IS IT NATURAL TO HAVE IT IN MY FACE! AT LEAST MOVE THE DAMN THING!"
"I can't! We're playing Twister, Jaws!"
"What the hell is going on here?" the ginger haired man stepped into the room only the find the swordsman and priest were in a very suggestive position. Kisame was on all fours with Hidan (completely naked) with his erect junk in front of Kisame's face and his hands on Kisame's back.
"Hey Shit-head." Hidan said casually.
"OH, uh…h-hey Leader."
"Um…why is Hidan naked."
"Cuz its hot."
"No its not." Kisame sighed, causing Hidan to moan softly. The shark suddenly realized why after a few seconds. "DAMMIT, PUT SOMETHING ON YOUR DICK, DUDE!"
"Ahh…"
"This is…wow." Pein didn't know whether to laugh or be weirded out. Hidan was obviously getting a sexual thrill out of this while Kisame wasn't sure what to do.
"Help me." The shark mouthed.
"Hidan, aren't you supposed to be a mission with…"
"SHUT UP, DICKHEAD! Don't stop breathing, Kisame…hmmmm…"
"Kami-sama, help me…" Kisame whispered.
"Hmm…I get you mean, Pein. Just the other day, I saw Kakuzu and Sasori…"
"Kuzu-kun, you have a VERY large penis…" Sasori purred as he spooned the miser's chest.
"Sasori, you're drunk off of those fumes again." Kakuzu sighed as his turned the TV.
"Teehee…maybe…" Sasori giggled. "I like them soooo much…"
"Well you need to stop using those chemicals or else you're going to say something you'll regret."
"Liiiiike…I want you to do me…on this couch…right now…"
"Uh…"
"Hey, Kakuzu, I have you're mission from Pe-…"
"GET OUT OF HERE, WHORE!" Sasori wrapped his cord from his chest around the purple haired woman and tossed her out of the room. "So…you wanna do it?"
"Go to sleep, Sasori. You're drunk." Kakuzu slung the puppet over his back.
"Wheeeee! I'm a birdy!" He giggled loudly.
Pein scratched his chin. "Maybe all of the members are just drunk, on drugs, or have some sort of rash."
"Well there's only way to find out…" Konan slapped a piece of paper into her boss's hand. It was a flyer for free installation for security cameras.
"Hmmm…well I guess this is the only way to find out what's going on. Call them Konan…today we find out what's going on."
4 HOURS LATER
"And that's the very last camera installed…" the man turned to Pein and handed him the remote. "Now here's the remote for the TVs."
"Did you install them in all of rooms, too."
"Yes and let me just say that I almost got blown up in one of those rooms."
"Sorry about that." The man sighed. 'Damn Deidara.'
"Well they're all up and running. Have a good day sir."
As Konan escorted the man home, Pain went to the private room in his office where all of the monitors showing the rooms were. The boss took a seat in a chair and flipped the TV on. What awaited him was a shock of a lifetime…Kakuzu and Sasori were passionately making out on the bed.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"Hm Kakuzu-kun…you're so sexy." Sasori purred. When the two broke apart, the ginger screamed in horror when it was revealed that the puppet was wearing a VERY SMALL AND TIGHT THONG!
"NAGATO! WHAT'S WR-" The woman started and then she saw what was on the main monitor. "HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL! WHAT THE HECK?! IS SASORI WEARING A…A THONG?! GROSS! YOU CAN TOTALLY SEE HIS…"
"SHUT UP!" Pein was now in a corner shivering. "Sasori…no wonder his ass always hurt…"
"L-let's just turn the TV." The purple haired woman turned the channel until it was on Zetsu's room, which had a much more disturbing scene in progress. Zetsu and Hidan were all giving raped (if you can call it that) by Zetsu's plants. The two seemed to be having one heck of a time in there, however the two people watching it were not.
"OH KAMI-SAMA NO!" Pein nearly fainted while Konan fainted on the floor. The leader grabbed the remote and turned it. If he thought it would be dull in the other rooms, he was fucking wrong. In the next one, Kisame was giving a blowjob from Itachi, who was wearing a Lolita maid costume, and the shark was wearing amaid costume also. "WHAT THE FUCK?! NOOOO! WHY? WHY? OH KAMI-SAMA NO!"
Pein then joined Konan on the floor and cried himself to sleep.