Well, it's been a very long time since I wrote any Bo and Nora, but thanks to some friends in the inspiration department ( I hope you know who you are) I'm dipping my toe with them on this site. So here we go on this our maiden voyage. Some things to note in starting; I'm playing fast and loose with the timeline and a little with characters, so if you read something and think, "Wait a minute, that's not how it happened, you're probably correct and that would be the fast and loose. Also, when I write the character of Clint Buchanan, I write it as I loved the character when he was played by the late, great Clint Ritchie (no offense Jerry, but that was not my Clint), so if it doesn't seem like the Clint everyone was used to at the end...that's because, in most ways, it's not. This is inspired by my need for all the reunions that didn't happen between them when they could have to be corrected and some people make amazing videos that inspire love, and fluffiness. If none of that sounds appealing to you, my friends, this is not the story for you. There will be times it may be unrealistic but, take it with a grain of salt and try to enjoy the ride. After all, I'm sure I'm going to have a ball writing this. Reviews are love so don't be shy but do please be courteous. Last note, this first part is based very closely on the actual scene and dialogue that happened on the show. Some sections will be taken directly from the dialogue and some will be summarized or totally me, but basically if you recognize it, it's not mine and belongs solely to the show. I do not own those parts and am not taking credit for it. If you recognize it, it's not mine.
PHOENIX
Clint followed Bo at a distance, headed toward the stables, bourbon bottle swinging at his side. The Buchanan men were no strangers to the drink, and had a tendency to get behind the bottle a little too much at times, but Bo wasn't usually the one to be the first to jump on that particular horse.
His eyes cast about the stables. A little blurry and noticeably slower than usual, but he'd had a few more than normal much earlier than he typically would. Another hash mark on the board courtesy of Asa Jeb Stuart Buchanan. Bo unscrewed the cap and took another bracer. It wasn't good that the bourbon didn't burn going down anymore, but he didn't care. He wanted to be numb...mind, body and soul right now and he would drink until he got there. After all, Buchanans weren't quitters. He raised the bottle in silent bitter tribute to Asa and that's when his eyes landed on Asa's favorite hat.
It was hanging on a nail on one of the beams. Hanging where it always did, as if it were simply waiting for Asa to amble through the door and snatch it up before a ride like he'd done a thousand times before. But there would be no more rides. The old man was gone. Gone. That, Bo felt burn all the way down and it hurt like hell. He snatched the hat up, looked it over, sat in on a hale bale and he found a place to rest his bones.
The hurt bubbled up and he pushed it down. But it hit the pit of his stomach and rose like a bat out of hell against his will, and with his inability to control the hurt, came the anger. Why was it that the things that hurt the most, he could never control. Memories...memories he didn't want in his head...in his heart, they just stayed with him. Mostly dormant with the passing of time, but the big ones...the ones that he knew would never heal, those would spring back to life and rise again like a Phoenix from the ashes at a moments notice; a picture he wasn't expecting to see or a song he hadn't heard in forever...a smile that pushed so many good times to the forefront of his mind or her perfume when he was tired and not as much on guard. It was all always hanging there waiting to bite him with pain...Just. Like. That. Stupid. Hat. Bo lifted the bottle and toasted Asa bitterly before stumbling to his feet and retrieving that dusty, old hat. He turned it this way and that, memories floating through his mind...churning and that's when Clint appeared. He met Clint's eyes. Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was feeling vulnerable at being caught, amybe it was just...everything he wanted to change in that moment and couldn't, but the next thing either of them knew, Bo had flung that beloved, old Stetson to the ground.
"Is destroying Pa's favorite old hat going to do anything for anybody? Bo, what is the matter with you? Why are you so angry with Pa?"
Bo swallowed, tried to swallow around that lump lodged in his throat. How did you find the words to explain everything he was feeling when he didn't even want to be feeling them. His chest felt like someone had pried it apart, busted open and tight like he could hardly breath all at the same time. Half the things crushing him right now he couldn't even admit to himself...some Asa...some not Asa at all. Not knowing what to say, he moved to the stable entry and leaned against the frame. Breathe, Bo. Just breathe. He coached himself.
Clint hung Asa's hat back in it's place and went to Bo just as he swallowed another healthy mouthful. "You might want to take it easy on the bourbon."
"I got a good idea, big brother." Bo knew he was taking his anger out on the wrong man. Clint was only trying to look out for him, but everything was too raw...too bottled up and it needed to go somewhere. "Why don't you grieve your way and I'll grieve mine."
"You're not grieving. You're brooding. You have been ever since we got the news."
Oh, now that he really didn't want to hear. Bo clenched his jaw and shoved off the frame, walking a short distance and turning away from Clint as he continued on.
"I know you and Pa had your differences. But the man was our father and now he's dead and gone. Show him some respect."
Bo huffed, thinking about the words his brother had just said. Respect? Respect was earned. Asa did his best to do the exact opposite of earning his youngest son's respect and he sure as hell never seemed to want it to begin with. Asa could have cared less if Bo respected him and Bo knew Asa sure never respected him. "Why should I show Asa Buchanan any respect?" Bo turned to face Clint with angry tears gathering in his eyes and replied, "He never showed me any."
"Of course, Pa respected you."
"How do you figure that?" He asked bitterly. "Huh? All he ever tried to do was show me up. First women. He'd always try to go after all of'em, just to show that...to prove that he could take'em. Then when that got old, all of a sudden, it became my jobs!" Bo got louder, the hurt and frustration of his relationship with his father burning up from his insides out. He ranted through the list of jobs that he'd had...all of which Asa had never given his credit for doing a good job at. His whole life Asa had treated all of them with contempt or disappointment, like Bo just couldn't measure up no matter what he did!
"That is so far from the truth." Clint argued.
Another swallow, more anger as Bo walked back into the stables. "Don't make him out to be a saint just because he's dead!"
"And don't you make him out to be the devil!"
"He mocked everything I tried to do!" Bo yelled. "Everything! I became the commissioner of police, so what did he do? He made it his mission in life to break the law just as many times as he possibly could." This was probably one of the things that hurt the most. He loved his job...he loved this job more than any other he'd ever had. He was proud of what he did and all he'd wanted was for Asa...his Pa...to be proud of him to! Why couldn't he look at his own flesh and blood, see that he was trying to make a better place in this world the best way he knew how and be proud of him for that? Why?! Bo poured out his anger about it to Clint. Before long he was shouting, and Clint shouted back, until Bo had Clint pushed against a wall. "I love that job and he laughed at it!" He growled through clenched teeth, slurring. "He laughed at it all the time and you wanna know why?! He was embarrassed by it!"
"That's bull."
Bo scoffed in disgust at Clint's denial.
"And you..." Clint went on earnestly, "You gotta know that after all these years, you've gotta see that. There's a reason Pa was so hard on you. It's because he was jealous."
Disbelief and confusion mixed with the anger on Bo's face, the stench of bourbon strong on his breath as he leaned in toward Clint. "A'what?" he growled.
"Of you." Clint answered, his eyes locking with Bo's. He watched the possibility and shock of it register in Bo's eyes.
"Pa's jealous of me." Bo repeated, still not buying it lock, stock and barrel. He laughed, walking a distance and shaking his finger at Clint. No way Asa had acted that way because he was jealous of him. "You're drunk...yes, Clint, you're drunk!" He bellowed. "You're drunker'n me."
"The reason Pa went after you the way that he did was to prove that he could beat you." Clint argued. "But he couldn't." Bo wasn't looking at him anymore, just taking another swallow of liquid pity and Clint had had enough. Bo was going to hear what he had to say whether he wanted to or not because he needed to hear it...and it was high time Bo Buchanan stopped hiding from the truth no matter how much it hurt...on a lot of different counts. He grabbed the front of Bo's jacket, spun him front and shoved him up against the beam behind him. "Listen to me. You...were the only horse Asa Buchanan could never break." He could see it sinking in and kept going. "Bo, he loved you. I think he loved you the most because you took after him, blazed your own trail, just like he did. Difference was...you didn't take any shortcuts like he did, and he hated that! Hated it...and yet he was so proud of it too.
He didn't want to believe it...part of him didn't after all these years, thinking his father had been ashamed...embarrassed by him, but even as that thought entered his mind, the truth in Clint's words were ringing true in his head and in his heart. "Pa was proud...of me?"
"I know he was...because you became the man he'd always wished he could be."
Bo lifted the bottle but Clint stopped him. "He did. He loved you, Bo." Clint took the bottle and laid it on a feed bin, giving Bo some space to process what was going on inside him right then. After a few minutes, Clint spoke again. "You've got to stop running, Bo."
"Running?" Bo questioned. "From what? Pa?"
"From the things that hurt the most." He watched Bo stiffen. "You've got to catch your breath and face'em...all of it. The thing about running little brother, is that you leave behind the good along with the bad."
Bo felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder. "Don't leave behind the good because the bad hurts. It's gonna hurt, that's life...but you face it and you hang on to the good, cause that's what makes life worth livin'." He walked away, but stopped before he left the stables. "You take some time out here, Bo. We'll be at the house when you're ready...your family ...Matthew...Nora." He spoke the last name more quietly, knowing it would be the hardest to hear. "We'll be there when you get back." He finished and left Bo alone.
He'd only gotten a few steps when, not surprised, he ran into Nora.
"Is he alright?" she asked, teary and looking toward the entrance.
"He will be. Come on, Nora. Let's give him some time." He hugged her and then led her back toward the house.
~~PHOENIX~~
He sat, listening to the horses and the quiet in between...wrestling with the emotions and the thoughts; too drunk to stop the assault and too tired to want to stop drinking. If today wasn't hard enough...if what he'd laid at his feet about Pa had't been enough, he had to bring her into this. Why?! Lately, it had been all he could do to keep Nora out of his mind. She was everywhere; at work, at Asa's...in his thoughts, sometimes in his dreams...too often in his dreams. Some nights he dreamed of how things used to be, real memories playing through his dreams like a movie reel. Other nights he'd dream of how things might have been; being there for Matthew's birth, watching Nora grow more and more pregnant, feeling Matthew kick inside her. And some nights his dreams were not dreams at all, but nightmares...Sam making love to his Red; touching her and kissing her...his Red with another man.
He took several more long pulls of the bottle, trying to banish those last thoughts from his mind. He hated that it still happened. He hated that he still hurt. Sure, those were never going to be memories that put a smile on his face, but after all these years he just wanted to be numb to them. He wanted to look at Nora and not...what? Be angry? The anger kept him from going insane sometimes. It beat back the longing...the longing to go home with her at the end of the day; the longing to sit down with a pizza and a movie with her and Matthew, to carry there son up to his bed and tuck him in at night and then walk down the hall to crawl into bed beside her, hold her in the night, feel her warm, soft skin against his as they drifted off to sleep in each others arms after making love. Why?! Why did he still want a woman who'd broken...no, shattered his heart. He didn't want to love Nora! He knew he couldn't hate her, he'd tried and failed. Even being angry at her was more work than he could manage anymore, but he did a darn fine job of putting on the show. He just wanted...he wanted...to run. The hell of it was, it was getting harder and harder to run from her instead of to her.
~~PHOENIX~~
"Mom, shouldn't dad be back by now? Can I go find him?" Matthew asked.
Nora looked at Matthew sadly. He'd been through so much today, hurting over his Grandpa and here he was...her beautiful boy, worried about his daddy. She couldn't blame him. She was worried too. It had been hours since they'd left Bo at the stables. She'd thought surely he would have come back to the house by now, but the guests had slowly filtered out and now it was just closest family and friends. They'd had to practically shove Alex out the door, but that was no surprise. Even Dorian had gone home. Nora had watched the door, waiting and hoping Bo would walk through it, but he still hadn't.
"Honey," she replied, brushing her fingers through Matthew's hair. "Your daddy needs some time on his own to mourn Grandpa Asa. He's hurting now too, baby and we know that's okay, right?" Matthew nodded solemnly and she smiled softly at him. "But big boys have it kind of tricky. It's okay for them to be sad and cry, just the same way it is for you, but big boys don't like to let other people see them do it. You're daddy loves you so much, baby, and I know he'd appreciate you being there but I think for tonight it might be best to let him do whatever he needs to do for his daddy. Does that make sense?"
"I guess." Matthew answered. "But somebody's going to make sure he's okay, right?"
Nora pulled him to her, hugging him tightly and kissing his head. "My sweet boy. Yes, somebody will make sure that your daddy is okay. I promise." She gave him one more kiss and then leaned back to smile at him. "Why don't you go in there with your cousins and listen to their stories about Grandpa, hmm?"
"Okay." He didn't look excited about it, but he turned and made his way to the library.
She watched until he was out of sight and then she got her wrap from the closet. As she turned toward the front door, Joey came into the foyer. "Joey, honey, would you do me a big favor?"
"Sure, Nora. What is it?"
"Can you keep an eye on Matthew. He's in the library with everyone, but he's worried about Bo and frankly, so am I."
"Uncle Bo's not back yet?"
"No. I'm going to go check on him. Hopefully convince him to come back now. Keep Matthew occupied until I get back, please. If he's been working on that bottle this whole time..."
"I got it. You want one of us to come with you?" Joey asked.
Nora smiled at him; always so thoughtful. "No, sweetheart, but thanks. If I need any help, I'll come back and get someone."
"Okay."
Nora left Joey headed for the library and Clint in the study, having overheard her plans and wondering if he should go with her. He decided to give them some time and if she wasn't back in ten minutes with Bo, he'd go help her drag him back and upstairs.
There was a definite chill in the air as she made her way across the property and to the stables, the flashlight beam illuminating the way ahead until it finally landed on the sturdy structure. She followed the well worn path toward the entrance and turned off the flashlight as the light from the stables spilled out onto the ground ahead.
She spotted him as soon as she entered, laying propped up against a bale of hay. Asa's hat loosely held in one hand and three quarters of an empty bottle of bourbon in the other. She sighed, watching him for a minute. She knew he was hurting badly. His relationship with Asa had never been easy, but she also knew how much he'd loved the old coot...and how much Asa had loved Bo. She wished like crazy that he would let her help him, but the support or comfort he would allow from her would be polite at best. She knew he appreciated it but the depth he would allow would always be stunted by the armlength with which he kept her anymore. One more time to chalk up to regrets, Nora. She thought as she quietly made her way across the floor toward her ex husband.
She knelt beside him and took the hat from his hand, placing it on the bale above his head before she reached across him and did the same with the bottle, finding the cap by some miracle by his knee and screwing it on tight. She took another minute and just watched him sleep, his chest rising and falling with each peaceful breath. It didn't matter how many times she'd done it or how long it had been since the last time she'd had the opportunity; she still could just watch him sleep for hours if given the chance. Many a night, she'd watched Matthew sleeping since they'd learned the truth and realized just how much he looked like Bo in his sleep. How many times had she been amazed that she'd never realized this before they learned that Matthew was Bo's.
A breeze carried through the open space and she shivered, pulling herself from the moment. She needed to try and get him awake and back to the house. His body would not appreciate his current sleeping arrangements, it would only get colder out here and if all that wasn't enough, it broke her already aching heart to think of him sleeping alone in the stables tonight. "Bo." She called softly. He didn't stir. She tried again, a little louder this time and got the same results. Gently, she rubbed his arm and called his name again. This time he snuffled a bit, making her smile, but he settled back again right away. "Bo." She rubbed his arm a little harder. "Come on sleeping beauty, time to wake up."
He rolled toward her and she thought he was going to go back to sleep but then he reached up and took hold of the hand on his arm. In one fluid motion, he scooted down so he was laying more flat and tugged her with him, shocking her with the sudden movement enough but he stunned her motionless when he reached up further and pulled her against him.
"Come to bed, honey, it's cold." He murmered, wrapping his arm around her tightly.
"B...Bo?" She didn't think she could move...didn't really want to move, but he was obviously not aware of what he was doing and they certainly couldn't lay here all night...all night...together, with his arms around her like that and his breath, potent as it was, ghosting across her skin...Okay Nora, snap out of it and get Bo awake and to the house. Who knows who he thinks is coming to bed and he's not going to be too happy if he wakes up in the morning, hung over, freezing, sore and with you in his arms. She scolded herself. "Bo." She tried again. "Uh, it's...you need to wake up and, um-"
"Shh, honey. Time to sleep."
How he managed to get his other arm under her head and pull her closer she had no idea, but he did. And then...his lips were on hers and oh, sweet heaven, they were so soft and warm. She couldn't think as his mouth moved over hers, a tender dance etched in time and her memory all too well. Her hand came to his cheek without thought and if she'd wanted to stop the little moan that escaped her lips under his tender ministrations she couldn't have done if her life had depended on it. How long had it been since she'd felt his lips on hers? Forever? And yet, it was as familiar as if it hadn't been more than five minutes ago, making her mind a puddle of mush and lighting a fire in her that ignited in a split second.
And apparently she'd responded more than she'd thought, or somewhere in that hazy, sleep riddled brain of his he'd heard her moan because his lips parted and his tongue teased her bottom lip...and her brain exploded a second later when he breathed, "Red." against her lips. She didn't even have time to collect her thoughts before Bo was kissing her deeply, pulling her and shifting, kissing and oh my gosh, please don't make me have to stop this...
But she did have to because...because...think, Nora, think! There's a reason you have to stop this! When he left her mouth and his head dipped, his lips finding 'his spot' on her neck like it was guided by a radar, she remembered exactly why she had to stop this. "Bo...oh my, nghh, Bo, wake up. Please." She pleaded, not entirely sure if it was a plea to stop or not. But it had to be...she put both hands on either side of his face and firmly pulled. "Bo, wake up." She said more forcefully.
Heaven help her, he grinned that grin he got when he was feeling particularly feisty, octopused his arm around her waist and drug her back against him. "Mmm, 'wake enough, honey...promish." He slurred, either from the boubon or sleep, maybe both before he dove back in, kissing her passionately for a second and then retreating back to her neck.
She couldn't do this. She closed her eyes and tilted her head, feeling his cheek on her skin and his lips doing the most amazing things to her neck; her nerves alive and sizzling like they hadn't felt since...since the last time they'd been like this. She gave herself a good ten seconds and then with tears in her eyes, she pushed him off her and sprang to her feet. It was in that instant that her eyes met his, cloudy with the liquor but at least partially aware and she could tell by his eyes that he hadn't just become aware of what was happening between them...at least, he wasn't as out of it as he had been when this had started. She saw confusion in those beautiful blue eyes, uncertainty...longing? And then...regret. A drunken blunder...he was sobering fast. She thought.
"Matthew..." She choked back the sob, "Matthew is worried about you and it's getting cold and ...and you need to come to the house, Bo." She stared into his eyes and then turned and ran out of the stables.
She never saw Clint as he backed into the shadows. Didn't see the sad look he was watching her with as she fled up the path. He poked his head around the stable door, catching Bo as he ran his hand across his face and then looked back up at the empty space where Nora had been. He looked like a lost puppy who'd just been kicked. It wasn't the look of a man who'd just made a drunkin' mistake, but that of a man who'd just watched his heart run out the door. Come on, Bo! He silently urged. Go after her. He knew his brother. Either Bo was going to get up and go after Nora, get back what was so plainly what he wanted, or he'd stay there and talk himself out of what he felt. He cursed in his head when Bo slumped back against the bale. "Stubborn fool!" Clint muttered too softly to be heard. He turned and disappeared back up the path. Halfway back to the house, he looked skyward. "I've got this, Pa. Don't you worry!"