Title: It's in his kiss
Author: Juliana
Genre: New Year's Eve fluff
Emily was watching pensively the piece of paper that her mom had left on the table. It had arrived in yesterday's mail and Em had been surprised to see her mom's very emotional reaction while she was reading it. It sparked her interest in the letter immediately.
Faith explained it was an invitation to a New Year's Eve party at one of her ex co-workers. Emily was curious whether her mom would go to the party but Faith instantly replied that she didn't feel like it.
As much as it wasn't her business, Emily couldn't get the sight of her mom's trembling hands when she had opened the letter out of her mind. She knew what it was about the moment her mom told her it had something to do with her ex co-workers. That's why Emily's disappointment when mom said she wouldn't go was that much bigger.
She had hoped this was finally a chance for her and Bosco to make up. What better situation would one want? Holidays, lots of remembering of old times, emotional reunion, rekindled relationships?
"Mom, you should go. You'll get to meet all your friends again."
Faith gave her a look that said not to voice her thoughts further. Em was still cautious about mentioning Bosco around their apartment. Em hadn't seen him since that day in May almost two years ago when the 55th precinct had been burned down. After that she had only mentioned him once but she did the mistake of mentioning him while John was around. Consequently, he and Faith had a fight.
But that wasn't the only reason Em was reluctant to mention him. His name still brought deep sadness to her mom's eyes. She knew the ruin of her mom's friendship with Bosco was one of the most devastating moments in Faith's life and she didn't want to bring up the painful memories. But she figured that would have to end soon. Mom wouldn't be able to live with all that pain for much longer and she couldn't go on with her life and forget him either. Emily wasn't a kid anymore, she knew a few things about relationships. And she knew her mom's relationship with Bosco well.
"I'm not exactly in the mood to go partying, Emily."
"Is this about John and you breaking up?" she didn't like to interfere in her mom's relationships, well, just the one she had had with Miller, but she had to ask to make sure about what her feelings for John were.
"No," Faith exclaimed appalled. "That was three months ago. It has nothing to do with it."
Emily had been sorely tempted to ask whether it had to do with someone else but she bit her tongue instead.
Now that her mom was at work, she was contemplating calling Ty Davis and joining forces with him to make her mom go to the party at his house.
She picked up the invitation and went to the phone.
"Hi, this is Emily Yokas. Could I speak to Ty Davis?"
Sasha called Ty, wondering what could Faith's daughter have to talk about with him.
"This is Ty Davis," he said as he took the phone from Sasha's hand.
"Hi, Emily Yokas here. I believe you're having a New Year's Eve party at your house?"
"Mhm."
"I'd need a bit of help with that."
Faith was surprised when Ty called her. She thought that since she hadn't responded to his invitation he'd simply cross her off his list.
"Faith, long time no see."
"Yeah, you got that right." Her smile was more or less forced, though he couldn't see it over the phone anyway.
"I was just checking whether you'd come to the party. Lots of people already called and said they'd come. We'd all really love to see you again."
"I don't know, Ty. I haven't seen anyone in ages and it'd be just too …" she didn't know how to continue.
"That's just the reason to come, to see everyone again. I'm sure you'd like to see Swersky again," he added cunningly.
"Lieu is coming?" she asked surprised.
"Of course, he was one of the first to call." Ty altered the truth a bit but he needed to lure Faith into this. He had agreed with Emily when she called. If the two of them were so stubborn and blind then it was up to the rest of them to fix their relationship once and for all.
"I see," Faith's determination not to go was less firm with every second.
"I told you, you have to come to see all these people. I promise it won't be boring."
"I know that but I'm not sure I'll be much fun if I come."
"You will be. It'll be like the old times."
"The old times?" her voice got a tinge of nostalgia.
"Look, I'll give you some time to think about it. Call me when you decide you'll come."
Faith chuckled at his words. "Okay, I'll call."
He'd been observing her from afar. It hurt him that she had greeted everyone else but him. His heart had missed a beat when he saw her glowing face as she entered the room and first greeted Swersky who stood nearby. She wore a dark blue skirt and a black lacy top. He didn't remember her so beautiful.
A lot of the happy and thrilled words reached him when she spoke with everyone, hugged them and admired how good they all looked. He knew she couldn't say that for him. He saw his face in the mirror every morning, he knew his face was pale and old and, above all, scarred. She, on the other hand, looked better than ever.
When Swersky gave him a nod to come closer to the party, he pretended he hadn't noticed it. Instead he filled his glass with drink again and turned his back to them. He had thought he came because of Swersky but he realized now that was just half of the reason.
To hide from the crowd he stepped behind the huge Christmas tree that stood next to the fireplace. He observed the colorful lights and glassy balloons that were decorating it. Everything seemed so glowing, bright and happy. He became sorry he had come to the party. He had been wrong to think that he could handle it.
As he was watching her mingling with the people in the crowd, he wondered how she could forget him so easily. Didn't she have any feelings for him left? Anything? Not even enough hatred to spit in his face when she had seen him? She had forgotten the thirteen years of friendship, loyalty and love in a few months. He had never thought it would be so easy for her. He knew it was hard as hell for him.
He had forgotten his resentment, anger and the feeling of betrayal a long time ago. Not because he would've understood why she had done or said the things she had but because the feelings of love and friendship and the loneliness he had felt after she had left were that much stronger. He knew he'd do anything she'd ask of him. Anything, even apologize for the things he had never done or ask for forgiveness for the sins he had only thought of committing, just to get her back.
He realized seeing her so happy around others but indifferent towards him was much too painful to bear. He put down his glass on a nearby table and turned to leave but bumped right into Faith.
He let out a weird sound, a mixture of an apology, surprise and confusion.
"Hey," she greeted quietly. She observed him and waited to see his reaction. She had left greeting him for last just because she hadn't been sure about how he would react. She was almost certain he still hated her.
"Hi," he finally murmured.
"How've you been?" Her question was timid but she thought she should keep the conversation flowing since the situation was awkward as it was.
He shrugged as his voice let him down. Seeing her after all this time was overwhelming. Her eyes had a warm glow and the crow's-feet at the side of her eyes made her face even nicer, revealing a certain warmth and softness.
When he didn't answer, Faith continued, "I didn't think you'd be here."
He cleared his throat before he said, "I didn't intend to come but Davis said Swersky'd be here. I just thought I'd say hi to him."
A smile flickered across Faith's face at his words. "Yeah, he caught me into that same trap."
Bosco's face lit up into a sincere smile. "Seems like they know us too well." Faith's heart fluttered at his smile. His face had seemed tired and downcast but when he smiled she could catch a glimpse of the old Bosco, the Bosco she used to know, the Bosco she wanted to get to know again.
After a moment of more or less awkward silence, Bosco forced himself to speak, "How are Chuck and Em?"
"Oh, they're fine," Faith's eyes came to life and he was happy to see that. He hadn't seen her smile during a conversation with him for far too long, since that day he had asked her to shoot for him, to be precise.
"Em's off to college and Charlie's doing so good in school. I'm really proud of him, you know. I don't know after whom he got his brain." She grinned and Bosco softly said, "I do."
She almost blushed at his words, even though she knew he didn't mean it. She lowered her eyes but she raised them again surprised when she heard his next words.
"How come Miller didn't come with you?"
"How do you know about Miller?"
"I … I guess I heard it from someone at the 79th." He didn't want to admit to her that he had eagerly listened to other cops whenever her name had been mentioned. Any crumb of news was precious to him after not seeing her for almost two years.
"Well, it doesn't really matter. We broke up."
"I'm sorry," he said and hoped she wouldn't hear the insincerity in his tone. She watched him thoughtfully but she didn't say anything. To her he seemed so far away, the wall between them was too high for her to climb alone. More than anything she wanted to return back to the times when they had been the best of friends, when she could trust him unconditionally and she knew he'd always be there no matter what she needed him for.
"It's actually really nice to see all these people," Faith commented as she let her eyes travel across the full room.
"Some more than others," Bosco murmured but Faith caught his words.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she eyed him suspiciously but he just shrugged and refused to answer her.
"Bosco?" her voice rose slightly.
He just shook his head. "Forget it."
"No, I wanna know what you meant."
He knew he should keep his mouth shut but the desperation and hurt inside forced him to say the words he was sure he'd regret later. "You didn't even bother to say hi when you came. You spoke with everyone but me. I know you don't think much of me any longer but still I thought … you'd care enough to at least say hi or something." His quiet voice was brimming with sadness and disappointment even though he was trying to hide it.
And although Faith at first didn't know whether to be angry or feel sorry for him, she decided anger wouldn't be the best answer after she had seen his hurt. Besides, she had postponed meeting him till the last moment, so that was totally her fault.
Still, when she spoke, her words had an edge to them. "I didn't mean to make you feel …"
"Well, you did," he said curtly, not letting her finish, and walked away without a backward glance.
Faith was left speechless standing next to the Christmas tree. She sighed and raised her eyes to the ceiling. She blinked since she wasn't sure she had seen it right. The whole time there had been a sprig of mistletoe hanging above their heads. What an irony, she thought bitterly. They couldn't even speak civilly with each other; he'd probably run away if she'd try kissing him.
After their conversation the evening didn't seem much fun anymore. She couldn't relax, all she could think about was his disappointed face and reproachful words. She knew she should look for him and apologize. Say that she had been terrified of seeing him again because she thought he still resented her, tell him how she felt when she caught the first glimpse of his figure in the crowd, how her heart raced and how hot her cheeks suddenly felt. She knew however, he wouldn't appreciate her words. He could be so stubborn sometimes.
She hadn't spoken with Bosco again that night. She had only caught his eyes across the room once while she was speaking with Sully. The longing and sadness in his gaze broke her heart and she'd do anything to comfort him but she knew he didn't want anything from her. He had willingly distanced himself from her, obviously that was exactly what he had wanted and it wasn't up to her to try to convince him otherwise.
But she couldn't stop her urge and just as she was about to walk towards him he looked away like paying any attention to her was a mistake. She sighed dejectedly and Sully gave her a weird look before he realized who she had been looking at.
Half an hour later she searched the room for Bosco almost determined to find him and talk to him despite his reluctance to do so. However, she was unable to spot him and she began to think he had already left.
But he hadn't. He only left the room to get some much-needed air. He stood on the porch, leaning against the wooden column. Davis had set up a Christmas tree here, too. Or more likely, it was Sasha that did it.
He was staring at the falling snowflakes but he hardly noticed them. He was deep in thoughts and every now and again he sighed deeply when the tension the memories had brought had to be released somehow. Involuntarily he returned to the times when he had been happiest, when Faith and he didn't fight, at least not about the important things, and when he was sure she was his best friend for life.
He remembered the sinking feeling he had felt when Faith told him about her cancer. All he could think about then was that he could lose her, that she might die and he'd never again sit with her in their RMP. He had experienced the same horror again when she got shot and it was his fault that she couldn't walk for months. But they'd survived all that and when he had been in hospital she told him she missed him. The longing feeling he had felt then was still very alive in his gut. His feelings were just the same as they had been then. But everything else seemed to be different, including him and Faith.
He wiped at his wet cheeks as he stepped down from the porch and into the white snow. He kicked at the snow like it was its fault life had never given him what he had wanted.
She was chatting with Sasha when Bosco suddenly approached her and grabbed her forearm. She was surprised by his sudden reappearance and also by the rough grasp of his hand.
"Come with me," he almost ordered.
"What? No," she shrugged his hand off.
"You've got so see something," he said less harshly and even though that was all he said his eyes were adding a quiet please to the words.
It was that that convinced Faith to follow him, even though she was still angry with him. She couldn't help it but he could still wrap her around his little finger with his sad eyes.
He didn't say a word as he led her out of the crowded room and into the hallway. Still silently he searched for her coat on the rack and wrapped it around her shoulders. He took her hand and pulled her towards the back door.
As they stepped out onto the porch Faith noticed the lights were off.
"Why is it dark?"
"Just step to the end of the porch and I'll turn the lights on." She turned questioningly at him, trying to figure out what all this was about, but since he didn't offer her another clue, she carefully treaded over the thin cover of new snow on the wooden porch.
As soon as she stopped, the colorful lights turned on and at first she didn't know what she was supposed to see.
Bosco joined her at her side and when he saw her confusion he pointed with a finger to the snow on the ground. She furrowed her brow before she finally saw what he was pointing at.
There, in the pristine whiteness she noticed a strange pattern. She needed another moment before she recognized letters in it. And finally it dawned on her what it was – a message. She looked Bosco in his eyes and his expectant gaze confirmed that it was his message.
It read 'I Miss Us' in big awkward letters but what she saw through her tears was the sweetest love letter she had ever gotten.
A shaky "Oh, Bos" was her only response when she covered her mouth with her hand. She fell to his arms and he pulled her as close as he could without hurting her. He hid his teary eyes in her hair and breathed in the air that surrounded them. It smelled of winter, snow, Faith and love.
Instinctively his fingers reached to his cheek and touched the fading scar there. Maybe now his scars would finally be able to heal.
Faith pulled away to look at him. She wiped her cheeks and she could swear she heard him sniff.
"I miss us, too," she whispered after a silent moment between them.
He smiled softly and she continued with a voice that still showed all her emotions, "Why now? I mean, it's almost two years and not once you said anything or called …"
Bosco closed his eyes, not wanting to remember all the bad things from the past. He needed a second to gather his thoughts before he spoke.
"I know, I just thought you didn't want to see me ever again. And maybe I was trying to forget you, to move on." The look he gave her was apologizing. She wanted to say something but he continued, not giving her a chance to speak until he had said what he intended to say. Otherwise, he was afraid, he'd lose the courage again. "But there's something I need you to know."
Faith needed time to grasp everything Bosco was telling and showing her this night. It was unexpected, it was unlike Bosco and most of all it was overwhelming.
"When you were gone from my life I did a lot of thinking and I realized something." He pushed his fidgety fingers into his pockets before he continued, "No matter how afraid I was of letting you close, I was more afraid of losing you. So … I needed to tell you that. I ... can't lose you."
Faith didn't know what to say to that. Instead she looked again at the vanishing words. She was certain that no matter how much snow fell that night or the next day it could never cover the words, not for her anyway. She'd see and treasure them forever.
Now Bosco returned his attention to his message, too. He cleared his throat embarrassed and Faith looked at him surprised.
He pointed at an unrecognizable shape next to the second 's'.
When her attention was called to that she began to wonder what it was supposed to be.
"That … er … I tripped over my feet. Sorry. I wanted it to be perfect and I failed."
"Ow, it is perfect, Bos," she took hold of his cold hand, she wanted to wipe that sad look off of his face. She wanted to see him happy again after all this time and she wanted to forget the guilt that she still felt for causing him all the pain. She knew they'd have to work really hard to achieve that but she was confident that if they really wanted it they could achieve anything.
He gave her a shy smile. "You think?"
"If the new year will be half as perfect as this than I won't ask for anything else in life."
"So … do I deserve a kiss?" he asked with a hopeful expression.
She grinned. "Yes, you deserve so much more."
"I don't know about that. Right now I know I just want a kiss."
She smiled sweetly and her lips gently touched his. He felt the soft pressure of her mouth and he responded ardently. He hadn't tasted anything better in his whole life. He devoured her lips with a need he hadn't known he had kept inside for so long.
When she leaned her forehead against his he breathed deeply. He hadn't felt so whole in a long while. In fact, he felt like he had returned home after being in involuntary exile.
"I thought back then that it was worth it, going to Swersky and telling on you. I believed with all my heart that the most important thing was to keep you alive even if that meant that we couldn't be friends anymore. But I've realized over the past two years that not having you as a friend is something I can't live with. It was killing me," Faith whispered when she just brushed his lips with hers again. She wondered what he had been drinking that night since he tasted so sweet.
For a while he didn't say anything he just gave a soft nod as a sign he had understood.
"You know, it'll be midnight soon."
"You think we should go back in there?" she asked almost fearfully.
"Not yet, I'm not willing to share you yet."
She grinned up at his face. "You look beautiful when you're happy."
He smiled embarrassed. "No I don't. But you do." He pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear and watched her face in the colorful light from the lanterns and Christmas tree lights. The spangles she had on her temples reflected the various colors and gave a special glow to her fair skin. He was totally enthralled.
"I love you." He didn't mean to say the words but once they were out he realized they were meant to be said. It was the only right thing to do.
"I love you, too," Faith whispered with teary eyes. The night was so emotional she just couldn't hold back her tears.
"Is that so bad you have to cry?" he joked as he wiped her tears away. She laughed amid the tears and placed her head on his chest. He leaned his chin on the top of her head. He grabbed his coat and wrapped it around both of them to keep them warm. Bosco watched the snowflakes that kept raining down from the sky. They were changing color just like the spangles on Faith's skin. This was the best New Year ever and it hadn't even started yet.
When she lifted her head, her nose brushed against his neck and he felt it was cold.
"Should we go inside if you're cold?" he asked worriedly.
"Just one more minute. I wanna watch the snow. It's beautiful."
She leaned to his chest with her back and pulled his arms around her. She noticed there was a smile constantly plastered on his lips. "You look like the Cheshire cat," she smirked. "You better wipe that grin off of your face or everyone will know you have a secret."
"You think?"
Faith turned and looked incredulously at him. "Trust me, the difference between before and now is crying to heaven."
"Well, it's only natural, since that's where I am now. Heaven." He gazed into the distance with a dreamy look in his eyes.
She kissed his cheek. "Let's go inside."
He took hold of her hand and led her back in the same way he had led her out half an hour ago, and yet so differently.
They managed to enter the room without attracting too much attention.
They counted together the last ten seconds till midnight and then cheers erupted. Everyone held their own glass of champagne and numerous toasts could be heard throughout the room.
Bosco wordlessly leaned to Faith and kissed her passionately. He didn't think any words could express better than a kiss what he wanted to tell her. When she pulled away she whispered to his ear, "You know what I want for my New Year present?"
"Me?" he offered with an innocent look as they clinked their glasses together and toasted to New Year.
"Of course I want you," she giggled, perfectly relaxed for what seemed the first time that year, and then she added, "But there's something I want more."
"Watch it, I might get offended," he joked.
"No reason for that."
"I know. Tell me what, I'll give you anything you want."
"I know that, Bos." He shivered at the familiar nickname. "But what I really want … is to make you happy."
He froze in front of her, watching her incredulously. It was so like her, always wanting to make others happy, never putting herself first. And then he thought that was quite alright now that he'd be the one to put her first.
She watched him as he tried to form a coherent sentence. She noticed his bright watery eyes but didn't want to comment. She knew he still had to learn to trust her enough again to let her see all of his emotions. Admitting his love for her was already a huge step, one she had never imagined possible.
FIN